​Just because some people can do something with little or no training, it does not mean that others cannot do it with training and sometimes they do it even better with training.
 
We praise students for their effort "wow you got it right that's a really good score. You must have worked really hard." They were not made to feel that they had some special gift; you praise for doing what it takes to succeed. 
 
After the praise, they began to differ. The "ability praise" pushed students into the fixed mindset and they showed all the signs of it. When we give them a choice, they rejected a challenging new test they could learn from. 
 
They did not want to do anything that could expose their flaws. When students were praised for efforts, 90% of them want to do a challenging new task from which they could learn.
 
The effort kids simply thought that the difficulty or challenge meant applying more effort; they did not see it as a failure and they did not think it reflected on their intellect.

I can see how this would apply to school, also to relationships, work etc.
​

Mindset by ​Carol Dweck PhD

The low -effort syndrome is part of the fixed mindset If you have to "Try" you are not a natural, they think. In reality, the highest achievers are usually the ones who have some natural talent, but have worked the hardest, in a smart manner.
 
If you are in education, she mentions students " Adolescence is one big test: Am I smart or dumb? Am I good -looking or ugly? Am I cool or nerdy?  Am I a winner or a loser? And in the fixed mindset, a loser is forever. " This puts them into a tough situation, rather than trying, they are attempting to simply prove they are a natural, a winner.
 
"They mobilize resources to protect their egos. One of the main ways they do this is by not trying."
 
"The students with growth mindset completely took charge of their learning and motivation. Instead of plunging into memorization of the course material they said, "I looked for themes and underlying principles across lectures, and I went over mistakes until I was certain I understood them."  This is why they got higher grades -not because they were smarter, they had a better background." She goes on to describe a situation in which the instructors told the students they were smart. After being told they were smart, they stopped trying so hard. When asked, the students essentially said that smart kids don't have to try, because they are smart. They were also more likely to hide their mistakes because in their own minds, smart people do not make mistakes.
 
"On the first day of class, she approached Freddy, a second-grader who was left back and wanted no part of school. "Come on, we have work to do. You can't just sit in the seat and grow smart. I promise, you're going to do and you were going to produce. I am not gonna let you fail."
 
"The fixed mindset limits achievement. It fills  peoples minds with interfering thoughts, it makes effort disagreeable, and it leads to inferior learning strategies. What's more, it makes other people into judges instead of allies. 
 
Whether we're talking to Darwin or college students, important achievement requires clear focus, all out effort, and a bottomless trunk full of strategies. 
 
This is what the growth mindset gives people, and that's why it helps their abilities grow and bear fruit."

This stuff fascinates me- how do we help motivate people?

​This really works like a charm!

​Someone turned me on to this great book and I devoured it, quickly realizing the implications for, well, for anyone who interacts with people. Coaches, teachers, people in romantic relationships, co-workers, managers, politicians, parents etc.
 
I strongly suggest you read it and apply it!
 
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck PhD
 
“The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Everyone can change and grow through application and experience.
 
When we put people in a fixed mindset, with its focus on permanent traits, they quickly fear challenge and devalue effort.
 
People greatly misestimate their performance and their ability. 
 
It was those with the fixed mindset who accounted for almost all the inaccuracy. The people with the growth mindset were amazingly accurate.
 
If you believe you can develop yourself, then you're open to accurate information about your current abilities, even if it is unflattering. What's more, if you're oriented toward learning, you need accurate information about your current abilities in order to learn effectively. 
 
However, if everything is either good news or bad news about your precious traits -distortion almost inevitably enters the picture.
 
In the fixed mindset, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means that you are not smart or talented. If you were, you would not need effort. 
 
In the other world of the growth mindset, effort is what makes you smart or talented. And you have a choice.
 
Children with the fixed mindset want to make sure they succeed. Smart people should always succeed.

For children with the growth mindset, success is about stretching themselves. It's about becoming smarter.
 
Believing that success is about learning, students with the growth mindset seize the chance to learn. 
 
Those with the fixed mindset did not want to expose deficiencies. Instead, to feel smart in the short run, they were willing to put everything at risk. This is how the fixed mindset makes people into non-learners.
 
In relationships, people with the growth mindset hope for a different kind of partner. Their ideal mate was someone who would see their faults and help them to work on them. Challenge them to become a better person. Encourage them to learn new things. Didn't want people who would pick on them or undermine esteem , they did want  people who would foster their development. They did not assume they were fully -evolved, flawless beings with  nothing more to learn.
 
We have the ability to put others in either mindset. You have the ability to put yourself into either mindset, at least for the moment.”
 
There are so many implications for this. I’ll give you time to read and digest and tune in to this blog to learn more from the author.

This is not a common occurrence in my office.

It has started happening a little bit more frequently in the past year or so. It happened all the time in my counseling office, when I lived in Jacksonville, Florida 11 ish years ago. Ask me about the 51% rule from the Bible that says when husband and wife are in an argument, the man wins 51% o the time. (I cannot find it in the Bible and I can't find a guy who was willing to win only 51% of the arguments.)

The husband and wife get into an argument and they come to me with ideas of how I could help them negotiate better. We talk about negotiating in good faith. They attempt to solve what we call a perpetual problem. This is a problem that cannot be resolved by compromise, only by one person over accommodating (Win-lose) or the couple agreeing to disagree. So resolution is not truly the goal since it is a perpetual problem. The goal becomes how to talk about it in a manner that is civil and respectful, not trying to change the other person's perspective. Listening so that you understand one another, not so you have ammunition to use against them. People have a right to see the world through their own eyes. It is similar to religion. You have the freedom to practice your religion, as do I mine. When you attempt to convert me or I attempt to tell you that your religion is wrong, that is a clear breach. From a practical standpoint, you are unlikely to be successful with this.

So we get to a certain point in the discussion where they clearly disagree- get new cats, have another baby and they can't fully compromise and there is no nash equilibrium (highest and best good of all involved) available. You can't agree to have half a baby, for example.

The man says, "It's not going to happen." He has unilaterally decided for the couple how it is going to be and declares himself the head of the household, forgetting that while that title comes with some rights, there are some responsibilities he is forgetting. One of which is to negotiate in good faith.

Saying, essentially, "because I said so" is not a good strategy and the mindset behind it can kill a relationship. If it were a one-time thing, then perhaps they could repair it with a good apology and a sign of good faith- sacrificing for the other. In the few situations I am referencing above, the husbands, when they don't see resolution, declare themselves the winner of the argument and impose their will. They have won that battle and the strategy will ensure they lose the war.

As a male counselor, I have yet to see a woman say this and remain unyielding. Fascinating to watch and more than a bit horrifying. 

We can do better than this.