​As the guy, I see it as my role to keep asking. As the sacred feminine, you are either receptive or not receptive. If you can’t go out, after asking a few times, ask yourself what is going on.
 
If you’re not interested, no harm, no foul. Own it, though.
 
If you are interested but can’t seem to find the time… there’s something else at play. If I keep asking and you keep saying no, logic dictates that I’ll stop asking and move on.
 
Sue Johnson talks about the “withdrawal waltz”- you pull back, so he pulls back because it feels eerily like rejection. He doesn’t want to be creepy, so he picks up the obvious clues that you’re not interested. If you are sending obvious clues and he is responding to the obvious clues, you don’t have the right to play innocent victim or martyr. That is not fair. Own your input into the situation.
 
The guys who pursue you, after you’ve pulled back, are guys who either don’t notice social cues or don’t care what you want. You know how those relationships end.
 
There’s also the concept of failure to thrive and the level of touch needed as a human being.
 
Just to sustain oneself how much touch is needed and then how much is needed to thrive?
 
Are you someone who believes in the concept of cuddling and holding hands and touching?
 
Are you someone who believes in the concept and can do it on a regular basis?
 
Some people are touch averse, and that doesn’t work for me.
 
Similar to trying to cuddle by phone or by text. Very difficult to do that.
 
So, that’s my approach to the first few weeks of dating.
 
In my opinion, then you see if you are compatible with interests. But the interests are irrelevant if you don’t spend time together.
 
Those are my preferences, and in my mind, if this is your level of enthusiasm and willingness to do work, at the beginning, then perhaps we’re not going to do well.
 
Let’s set it up for success, and tell the other person what our preferences are and allow them to make an informed decision based on that.
 
Friendship might be a different approach and be better suited for starting relationships.
 
You slowly get to know each other, with the emotional safety that comes with distance.
 
You don’t have to risk as much intimacy and vulnerability until it feels more like a sure thing. Please-Let me know if you’re doing the friend thing instead.

​Dating and Attracting the Correct People
 
What do I do to fix my vibe?
Run your energy up through the crown chakra repeatedly. Focus on what’s really important to you.
 
Align your hara and watch how you attract different people.
 
You still have to narrow down who you attract versus who you choose. Who you choose comes from who you attract. You can opt out that round if there are no good options.
 
You can just choose not to date someone unless they meet certain criteria and date less frequently but more successfully.
 
Love, prosperity, enlightenment, pleasure are all words that improve your vibe. Think about them or say them out loud and see if you are sensitive enough to feel the difference of before and after.
 
HARA Alignment- do this every day be in true alignment with yourself and you don’t have to worry about who you attract anymore

​There are feelings lists on line. Here is the one I suggest:
The following are words we use when we want to express a combination of emotional states and physical sensations. This list is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.

There are two parts to this list: feelings we may have when our needs are being met and feelings we may have when our needs are not being met.

We also have a list of needs.
Feelings when your needs are satisfiedAFFECTIONATE
compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm
ENGAGED
absorbed
alert
curious
engrossed
enchanted
entranced
fascinated
interested
intrigued
involved
spellbound
stimulated
HOPEFUL
expectant
encouraged
optimistic
CONFIDENT
empowered
open
proud
safe
secure
EXCITED
amazed
animated
ardent
aroused
astonished
dazzled
eager
energetic
enthusiastic
giddy
invigorated
lively
passionate
surprised
vibrant
GRATEFUL
appreciative
moved
thankful
touched
INSPIRED
amazed
awed
wonder
JOYFUL
amused
delighted
glad
happy
jubilant
pleased
tickled
EXHILARATED
blissful
ecstatic
elated
enthralled
exuberant
radiant
rapturous
thrilled
PEACEFUL
calm
clear headed
comfortable
centered
content
equanimous
fulfilled
mellow
quiet
relaxed
relieved
satisfied
serene
still
tranquil
trusting
REFRESHED
enlivened
rejuvenated
renewed
rested
restored
revived
Feelings when your needs are not satisfiedAFRAID
apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried
ANNOYED
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked
ANGRY
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful
AVERSION
animosity
appalled
contempt
disgusted
dislike
hate
horrified
hostile
repulsed
CONFUSED
ambivalent
baffled
bewildered
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn
DISCONNECTED
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn
DISQUIET
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unnerved
unsettled
upset
EMBARRASSED
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious
FATIGUE
beat
burnt out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out
PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful
SAD
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched
TENSE
anxious
cranky
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out
VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky
YEARNING
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful

 
The contents of this page can be downloaded and copied by anyone so long as they credit CNVC as follows:
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505.244.4041

Gillette Attachment Workbook for Couples
Healing disorganized attachment
 
You might want to work with a therapist who has training and experience with trauma and attachment. 
 
The therapist can help provide a safe and appropriately boundaried relationship. 
 
Your early relationships may not have given you the opportunity to relax, and to thrive.
 
When your early relationships feel unstable or unsafe - you don’t always develop a sense of self-worth, especially within a relationship. 
 
When relationships are healthy and balanced, we receive feedback and messages from others that we are worthy of love and connection.
 
Part of the healing process will be learning how to communicate your experiences and sharing them openly with warm people caring people. 
 
This reduces shame and you get support to reclaim your personal power. 
 
we want you to understand the impact of difficult early relationships on your self-worth. You will focus on updating the narrative of your life experiences. 
 
You may not have felt loved or safe in the past, but you can feel that in the present and in the future. 
 
Orient yourself to the current experience, and this creates clarity. You will recognize your inherent worth and ability to heal when you are oriented to the current experience.
 
Pay attention to what brings you back to a state of calm and regulation. 
 
Some people find that it’s a warm cup of tea, the scent of the leaves in the air, the sounds of a song, some reminder of a safe and comfortable experience for the presence of a particular person.
 
What are some beliefs that you have about yourself that were developed when you were younger, but are not applicable now? 
What is true now? 
Practice replacing the old thought With something that feels true to you now. 
 
*There’s no need to rush or do it all at once. Some people feel flooded or overwhelmed. You may need to take a step back from the practice and Relax yourself or soothe.
 


Part 2

The goal is to be intentional with your communication. **
 
When you’re sharing with your partner, can you share what’s happening for you or what you want your partner to d?
that way they can understand you much more easily. 
 
Some people start sharing when they feel emotionally activated, and you’re unlikely to feel understood by your partner at this point. 
 
As you develop your skills to sooth yourself, and to communicate effectively, you will feel less frustrated and you will miscommunicate less, and there will be less communication that goes poorly. 
 
You’ll feel more emotionally regulated and less overwhelmed.
 
Your stance, posture, eye contact and facial expressions, impact how you are perceived by your partner. 
 
Many people are unaware of their nonverbal cues. 
 
You may feel more comfortable with your arms crossed over your chest, or turned away from your partner, you may prefer sitting very close and making direct eye contact. 
 
You have an opportunity to explore what feels best for you and what feels best for them. Tell your partner what you like and what they like. 
 
Please notice and regulate your own emotions so that you can understand and respond appropriately to the emotions of your partner. This is called emotional intelligence. 
 
This helps form a solid connection with other people.*
 
You can choose your responses better and be mindful about how you proceed in an interaction with others if you can tune in. 
 
When your partner is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you can realize that this is probably not the best time to have a conversation about the status of the relationship. 
 
If your partner needs more emotional connection, You can work to meet those needs rather than spend time out with friends. 
 
You can talk about what you need and what your partner needs. You can learn more and have more emotional intelligence as time goes on. 
 
This is not changing who you are or changing the other person, it is getting more information and learning about yourself.
 
Sometimes our feelings tell us that we have to act immediately instead of sitting with the feelings and thinking through how our behavior will affect another person. 
Do you want to foster a sense of trust and safety and flexibility in your relationship?***
That’s the ultimate goal. 
 
When you’re doing something that’s not working, how can your shift your behavior to be more in alignment with what you want? 
 
You are creating new ways of relating to yourself and others. *
 
Consider listening to Mark Groves Podcast, where he explores the themes of developing connection, being radically honest in your healing, thriving in relationships. 

​Attachment theory, workbook for couples by Elizabeth Gillett (exercises to strengthen and grow your relationship)
 
She writes about all the different possible combinations for relationships, and I highly recommend reading the book.
 
P161
Healing anxious attachment
People with anxious attachment will benefit most from learning how to notice and tolerate feelings that arise in relationships, communicate those feelings effectively, and develop skills to feel more confident in calming the nervous system and feeling safe in relationships with others. 
 
Self-soothing techniques are particularly helpful for this style. 
 
People with this style do not have to learn to manage all their feelings on their own, but confidence in being able to tolerate the more challenging ones will allow the anxious partner to experience a deeper sense of trust in themselves and their relational connection. 
 
in the past emotions have been strong signals that there’s something wrong in the relationship and they’ve learned that they need to act to be sure that their needs are met. 
 
Healing involves sitting with those feelings and witnessing them passing instead of acting. 
 
Self-soothing can help move from depending solely on the partner to regulate their emotions, to feeling more capable of doing so by their self with feeling balanced. 
 
It includes pausing, moving slowly, and developing awareness about immediate reactions and practicing responsiveness instead of reaction. 
 
Notice the sensations in the body and the thoughts that arise. You can observe before you choose to respond. Meditation, deep, breathing, and body scans are especially effective.
 
Notice a desire, or tendency to want to bring challenging emotions to your partner as soon as they arise.*
 
Observe your feelings, be present with them and ground yourself. Notice your internal experience. Read it slowly and identify the sensations and emotions that arise. What do you notice if you slow down instead of reacting immediately?*
 
Allow yourself some time to identify what you may need on a deeper level instead of engaging in your old pattern.
—/--
 
Healing avoidant attachment
Begin to develop a sense of safe interdependence with and reliance on others. 
 
The avoidant style learned that relationships were not a safe place to express emotions. 
 
It takes time and patience for the avoidant person and their partner to learn this. 
 
How they experience relationships will likely change their worldview dramatically. 
 
Identify the ways that you feel safer when you’re emotionally disconnected. How might being more emotionally connected shift your relationships and your experience of the world? 
 
Why is it worth becoming more comfortable with connection? 
 
What would you have in your life that you don’t have right now? 
 
Now that you have more knowledge about this style, you’ll be better able to explore the possibilities for your life and relationships. Become more present and aware of your own emotions and emotions of others. 
 
Tap in to the subtle sensations in your body. 
 
Learn more about how you experience emotion, and stay present rather than pushing them down or pushing them away. 
 
It’s not going to always feel good and you might have some grief or mourning. You might feel sad about not having experienced your emotional world at an earlier point in your life. 
 
Once you are more connected and attuned, you can realize how many of your experiences have been shaped by your old pattern of checking out or shutting down.
 
If you have a feelings list, notice and practice spending time, just a little bit more time, with each of the more challenging feelings when they arise. Don’t have a list? 
You can Google “feelings list”
 
You protect yourself from the negative feelings which also keeps you from experiencing positive, connected emotions and experiences. 
 
How do you keep yourself from being loved and feeling love yourself? 
Do you push away opportunities to feel loved? 

Gillett, Attachment Theory Workbook for Couples

​​Disorganized attachment characteristics
 
Also known as fearful avoidant can experience both high anxiety and high avoidance. 
 
There’s an approach-avoid dynamic 
 
they have a deep longing to connect with others, but their experience of relationships has been lacking safety and security, so they’re terrified of vulnerability, abandonment, or harm by those closest to them. 
 
They may shift in the states a panic, anger, overwhelm quickly, and may or may not be aware of the trigger that caused the shift. 
 
They may have controlling behavior is in order to manage their own stress. 
 
The communication could be unclear or conflicting, constantly activated, nervous system, challenges, maintaining relationships, exaggerated, startle response.
 
in early childhood, relationships were often no-win situations. 
 
Imagine a caregiver telling them to come here , but you know you’re going to get a beating. They’re looking intimidating, violent and angry, but if they don’t listen, they have a negative consequence as well.
 
When someone is triggered, their communication might not make sense to you. It might feel disorganized, not grounded contradictory, and they might not even have a full system of relating to the partner.
 
They might say some thing and look for a reaction from the partner, attempting to determine if it’s safe. Their tone might have stress, desperation, fear, or intense anger.
 
They may experience strong waves of emotion they may attempt to end the relationship without warning.
 
Coping with conflict is incredibly difficult for this group. They deeply fear their partner leaving them are no longer wanting to tolerate their approach. Avoid the dynamic. They constantly feel like they’re in a bind they want connection and fear it at the same time they may be on the offensive during conflict, pushing the partner way, saying hurtful things, or taking steps to try to end the relationship. They may also shut down completely, checking out of the conflict, and even ghosting their partner for a period of time, because the threat of disconnection is too intense to tolerate.
 
They may experience intense states of rage or anxiety that don’t feel congruent with the context. It’s like their emotions are hijacking them and they have to protect themselves even though it no longer is beneficial or supportive to do those behaviors.
 
They are likely to vacillate between wanting closeness and needing space. They may feel panic when they’re apart from their partner, or feel relief, and knowing that they have space from the partner. It’s not safe to be with others. It’s not safe to be alone and they feel like they have to be on all the time.
 
They feel like they’re on their own with no one to trust or depend on. They may cling to somebody who seems trustworthy in an effort to maintain their sense of safety. It may be difficult to build trust with others, and people with this style may push others away when intimacy begins building.
 
Empathy works well with all the styles. 
 
Hope to manage the threat response to create a healthier partnership when your brain is always on the hypervigilance and there’s a heightened threat response. You remember that you can’t just force yourself to calm down. 
It’s incredibly challenging to soothe the nervous system. At this point I need to have an environment in which I have a felt sense of safety and protection. Believe your partner, respect their experience, be willing to support them in creative ways to foster healing and connection.
 
Your brain is amazing, it will do whatever it takes to keep you alive and safe. Can you appreciate your body for all the ways it has adapted to the different environments you’ve lived in. Your body and your nervous system are deserving of love, affection and care.
 
Place a hand on your chest, take some deep breaths, be present in the moment, and notice what happens when you are mindful of your body and give yourself gratitude.
 
Are you able to see the child that still lives inside your partner? How can you let them know that they are safe and cared for in your relationship? The need for safety does not disappear when we’re adults. I needed safety when I was a child. I need safety as an adult. How can I create more safety in my relationship?
 
I tend to trust when somebody sacrifices their need for my need. I tend to trust when somebody says they will do some thing and then follows through. I want to give them the opportunity to demonstrate that they are trustworthy and safe to me. For this style you want maximum amount of calm, transparency, and directness. Please focus on your word, choice, tone, and delivery.
 
Control what you can but you can’t control how your partner receives your communication just how you say things. be specific, direct, and compassionate, and notice how it feels.
 
Explore the times when you have felt the safest together. How can you re-create that? Can you wear your favorite pajamas, make popcorn, and snuggle up on the couch? Can you build a fort together with pillows and blankets? Can you cook a meal together and dance in the kitchen? What other ideas do you have?

Disorganized attachment characteristics
 
Also known as fearful avoidant =can experience both high anxiety and high avoidance. 
 
There’s an approach-avoid dynamic 
 
They have a deep longing to connect with others, but their experience of relationships has been lacking safety and security, so they’re terrified of vulnerability, abandonment, or harm by those closest to them. 
 
They may shift in the states a panic, anger, overwhelm quickly, and may or may not be aware of the trigger that caused the shift. 
 
They may have controlling behavior is in order to manage their own stress. 
 
The communication could be unclear or conflicting, constantly activated, nervous system, challenges, maintaining relationships, exaggerated, startle response.
 
In early childhood, relationships were often no-win situations. 
 
Imagine a caregiver telling them "come here," but they know they’re going to get a beating. They’re looking intimidating, violent and angry, but if they don’t listen, they have a negative consequence as well.
 
When someone is triggered, their communication might not make sense to you. It might feel disorganized, not grounded contradictory, and they might not even have a full system of relating to the partner.
 
They might say some thing and look for a reaction from the partner, attempting to determine if it’s safe. Their tone might have stress, desperation, fear, or intense anger.
 
They may experience strong waves of emotion they may attempt to end the relationship without warning.
 
Coping with conflict is incredibly difficult for this group. They deeply fear their partner leaving them are no longer wanting to tolerate their approach. Avoid the dynamic. They constantly feel like they’re in a bind they want connection and fear it at the same time they may be on the offensive during conflict, pushing the partner way, saying hurtful things, or taking steps to try to end the relationship. They may also shut down completely, checking out of the conflict, and even ghosting their partner for a period of time, because the threat of disconnection is too intense to tolerate.
 
They may experience intense states of rage or anxiety that don’t feel congruent with the context. It’s like their emotions are hijacking them and they have to protect themselves even though it no longer is beneficial or supportive to do those behaviors.
 
They are likely to vacillate between wanting closeness and needing space. They may feel panic when they’re apart from their partner, or feel relief, and knowing that they have space from the partner. It’s not safe to be with others. It’s not safe to be alone and they feel like they have to be on all the time.
 
They feel like they’re on their own with no one to trust or depend on. They may cling to somebody who seems trustworthy in an effort to maintain their sense of safety. It may be difficult to build trust with others, and people with this style may push others away when intimacy begins building.
 
Empathy works well with all the styles. 
 
Hope to manage the threat response to create a healthier partnership when your brain is always on the hypervigilance and there’s a heightened threat response. You remember that you can’t just force yourself to calm down. 

It’s incredibly challenging to soothe the nervous system. At this point I need to have an environment in which I have a felt sense of safety and protection. Believe your partner, respect their experience, be willing to support them in creative ways to foster healing and connection.
 
Your brain is amazing, it will do whatever it takes to keep you alive and safe. Can you appreciate your body for all the ways it has adapted to the different environments you’ve lived in. Your body and your nervous system are deserving of love, affection and care.
 
Place a hand on your chest, take some deep breaths, be present in the moment, and notice what happens when you are mindful of your body and give yourself gratitude.
 
Are you able to see the child that still lives inside your partner? How can you let them know that they are safe and cared for in your relationship? The need for safety does not disappear when we’re adults. I needed safety when I was a child. I need safety as an adult. How can I create more safety in my relationship?
 
I tend to trust when somebody sacrifices their need for my need. I tend to trust when somebody says they will do some thing and then follows through. I want to give them the opportunity to demonstrate that they are trustworthy and safe to me. For this style you want maximum amount of calm, transparency, and directness. Please focus on your word, choice, tone, and delivery.
 
Control what you can but you can’t control how your partner receives your communication just how you say things. be specific, direct, and compassionate, and notice how it feels.
 
Explore the times when you have felt the safest together. How can you re-create that? Can you wear your favorite pajamas, make popcorn, and snuggle up on the couch? Can you build a fort together with pillows and blankets? Can you cook a meal together and dance in the kitchen? What other ideas do you have?

​Gillette- Attachment Workbook for Couples

Gilette
 
Attachment workbook
 
Avoidant attachment characteristics 
 
This is the second most common of the four and is often criticized. 
 
Secure is the most common of the attachments. 
 
There’s a deep misunderstanding in our culture about this particular style. This person is not intentionally dismissing or hurting their partners. 
 
What are some traits? Using criticism to push other people away. Creating extremely high expectations for relationships, and determining that the relationship is not working if they’re not met. 

Having a strong focus on achieving and doing, accomplishing their goals, and investing activities outside relationships. Experiencing a desire to remain independent, because early relationships felt unfulfilling, hostile, or even painful. 

They push down the anxiety and appear calm on the surface. 

They engage in distancing behaviors to reduce the internal experience of stress. 
 
Conflict is so intensely experienced that they often experience relief from their space. They’ve learned how to cope with stress on their own. 
 
This person is most likely to ghost or fall off the radar for several days at a time. They want connection in relationships, as a relationship deepens, the risk becomes greater and vulnerability can feel too much. 
 
This person was not met with compassion when they were vulnerable as a child. As a result, they don’t trust adult relationships. 
 
Their communication is not congruent with their internal experience. There might even be a preference for communicating by text instead of in person. 
 
They may take time to respond because they’re focused on other activities or they want space. 
 
it might feel like the relationship is too much, too fast, and they pull away without explaining. 
 
As they learn and grow, they’re more capable of communicating their experience without isolating, or avoiding the partner.
 
This person learned how to auto regulate their emotions. They were not in a space where they could co regulate with a trusted adult. 
 
Becoming defensive quickly or deflecting is most common when there’s conflict with a partner and they all avoid it , if possible. 
 
They may dismiss your emotions
 
Intense emotions make this person very uncomfortable 
 
They feel that the deeper conversations about feelings are out of their depth.
 
They become extremely rational not emotional in moments of disconnection. They focus on thoughts instead of feelings “emotions are not important because they’re not rational “-to this person. 
 
The sense of safety and control increases by being the person to pull away from or initiate connection.
 
This person tends to prefer lots of autonomy and space. The partnership is very important to them, and it needs to be balanced by other activities and social experiences. 
 
There is not a good model in this person’s life for interacting in a caring and loving way, so they might not know how to facilitate a closer connection, like reaching out to their partner, unprompted, or expressing gratitude or appreciation. 
 
They need to maintain a sense of independence while in a relationship. If it begins to feel stifling, they take steps to increase safety by distancing. 
 
They’re not aware that they’re doing this -it is not intentional. They might tell themselves that people are too clingy and that they’re not made for relationships because they can’t find anyone who can keep that sense of independence that they feel comfortable with.
 
“Things are going so fast I need it to slow down.”
 
Even if you think you’re moving slowly, there are opportunities to hit the brakes and gain awareness around what’s arising in each partner during moments of connection and disconnection. 
 
This person is not trying to make your connection more difficult.
 
Slowly moving closer to each other, physically and emotionally, will give you the best opportunity to develop awareness of safety for each other, and increase the chances that you can reconnect without experiencing strong, emotional triggers.
 
“I want relationship with you, but I feel shut out or dismissed when you just pull away,” says the partner of the avoidant. 
 
Pushing, forcing, creating ultimatums, or trying to control a person with avoidant style will not work. 
 
Accept where they are and their behaviors are not about you. 
 
You do not have to stay with them, but see if you can sit with your own feelings when this happens. 
 
There are advantages to this style as there are to other styles.
 
Look at your own style more deeply. What are some of the positive, adaptive traits of this style? How has the style been beneficial to you during tough moments?
 
The person with avoidant style needs to focus, slowly learning how to tune into their emotional needs and sharing them with their partner, and a gentle, kind way. They might feel safer via text at first.
 
Allow for flexibility, and how emotions are communicated, lean in to the discomfort because it’s going to feel uncomfortable or different than what they’re used to.
 
Sometimes people will preface things with, “ I have something to share with you, and it’s a little bit vulnerable.”
 
This can support the partner in feeling prepared to receive the communication in an open way.
 
Bring compassion and understanding to the relationship so you create more space for connection.
 
Is there a better way to tell your partner that you don’t like when they disappear and they don’t tell you?
Why can’t you let me know what’s going on with you? Seems like a legitimate question, but that will push the person away. 
 
“You always do This” might be an accurate statement, but you’re gonna push the person away.
 
Consider different ways to communicate your message -in ways that invite them to come out of the castle rather than just storming the castle.
 
Take a few moments to jot down some of the qualities that you appreciate about your partner. Make sure you tell them. Changing your primary attachment style doesn’t happen overnight. Take small steps regularly to work toward a different way relating.