If you’re not interested, no harm, no foul. Own it, though.
If you are interested but can’t seem to find the time… there’s something else at play. If I keep asking and you keep saying no, logic dictates that I’ll stop asking and move on.
Sue Johnson talks about the “withdrawal waltz”- you pull back, so he pulls back because it feels eerily like rejection. He doesn’t want to be creepy, so he picks up the obvious clues that you’re not interested. If you are sending obvious clues and he is responding to the obvious clues, you don’t have the right to play innocent victim or martyr. That is not fair. Own your input into the situation.
The guys who pursue you, after you’ve pulled back, are guys who either don’t notice social cues or don’t care what you want. You know how those relationships end.
There’s also the concept of failure to thrive and the level of touch needed as a human being.
Just to sustain oneself how much touch is needed and then how much is needed to thrive?
Are you someone who believes in the concept of cuddling and holding hands and touching?
Are you someone who believes in the concept and can do it on a regular basis?
Some people are touch averse, and that doesn’t work for me.
Similar to trying to cuddle by phone or by text. Very difficult to do that.
So, that’s my approach to the first few weeks of dating.
In my opinion, then you see if you are compatible with interests. But the interests are irrelevant if you don’t spend time together.
Those are my preferences, and in my mind, if this is your level of enthusiasm and willingness to do work, at the beginning, then perhaps we’re not going to do well.
Let’s set it up for success, and tell the other person what our preferences are and allow them to make an informed decision based on that.
Friendship might be a different approach and be better suited for starting relationships.
You slowly get to know each other, with the emotional safety that comes with distance.
You don’t have to risk as much intimacy and vulnerability until it feels more like a sure thing. Please-Let me know if you’re doing the friend thing instead.