What is a good husband?

Imagine if you will, a man tells you that he is confused. He continues, saying that he is a good father to his children, a high priority in his life. He communicates really well. He is a good provider in a job that he finds meaningful and does his share around the house, house projects, cooking and cleaning. He has several good close friends and would do anything for them. He goes to church each week, has high moral standards, gives to charity, keeps up on the news, watches a couple hours of sports on TV each week and is an overall nice person. He is intelligent enough and not clueless emotionally.

Sounds like a pretty good guy, doesn’t he? So what is the problem here?

The problem is that he is being told that he is not a good husband. Not being married to him, I have no way of objectively knowing if he is or is not a good husband. He tells me he knows from his wife that he is not a good husband, but cannot answer, “What is a good husband?”

We attempt to tackle the question and answer it objectively and we both realize that there is not a single answer to that question. The answer for the same wife likely will change as they both grow and develop. He has a different answer to that question than she does.

He returns with more answers from her and he is visibly upset. He tells me that there is no man on the planet who is a good husband, given her perspective. As soon as the criteria are met, the bar is raised, the expectations hiked up. At this point he is demoralized, way beyond discouraged. There were so many unwritten expectations that he felt set up by her. That is when it hit him. It is subjective and he himself had many unwritten expectations of himself and her, as well. By the way, we could just as easily have asked the question and substituted "wife" for husband.

Sometimes it can be helpful to review out loud or in writing what you expect. Are your expectations a bit much for any mortal? Are they consistent, attainable, measurable etc? You can set yourself up with your expectations so that everyone you encounter will disappoint you. Watch how and when your expectations shift, as well. Some perfectionists, rather than enjoy their accomplishments, ratchet up the pressure as if to prove that they are not acceptable.

Think about your criticism of your spouse/partner. Is your criticism reality based? Is it truly attainable and can any human maintain it? Do you change expectations when they meet the challenge?

No one, no one enjoys being criticized. Some are more sensitive than others. It is rare that criticism helps the situation, especially if the one being criticized has not asked for it directly.

  Use the following to guide you before you get into a conflict, once you get into a conflict and for help getting out of conflict.

1. Demonstrate that you can see the other person’s reality and you do not think they are stupid for their perspective.
2. You do not have to change who you are in order to be acceptable. Neither do they.
3. Remember that I do not always see reality clearly, please help me.
4. Is what I have to say helpful, nice, accurate and is this the right time for me to say it?
5. Explain your experience using an “I statement.” Try doing it with loving kindness. Otherwise, it feels like an attack and your partner will likely not hear you.
6. Let your partner know what you need from them in a way that they can accomplish it versus telling them what is wrong with their personality or what you do not want.
7. Trouble communicating? Try this: When you hear your partner speak, really listen. Make sure you understand what they are saying, clarify if you need to. Walk a mile in their shoes and then validate it. You often become allies when you understand what each other needs. Then and only then is it your turn to be the speaker.
8. When you feel your heart approaching 100 beats per minute, take a time out to cool down and think clearly. Let your partner know that you need a break and will come back and talk about it.
9. It is okay to feel anger and to tell your partner that you are angry. Just know that anger is the second emotion and that hurt, fear or vulnerability is likely the underlying emotion. Try expressing that one instead. It is much, much easier to hear and increases your odds of being heard.
10. When you feel defensive, say so and ask for a moment to get perspective and cool down.
11. Do you want to increase your odds of being listened to? Try talking more calmly, using I statements and without accusing your partner. Compassion, respect and being nice really help.
12. Ask yourself-How can we make this conversation better the next time we talk?
13. Tell your partner, “Honey, I need to talk for about five minutes. You do not need to fix anything, just listen and validate my feelings please.” When they know what to do and how to please you, they have a better chance of being successful.
14. When someone is pulling back because they feel attacked, it is best to let them pull back. If you go in after them, you frequently will frighten them away.

Statements to try:

1. "This would be a good time to validate that I have a right to a different opinion, even if you do not agree with that opinion. And that you still love me even when we have differences."
2. "I am not sure you fully get what I am saying. It could be that I am not explaining myself well. Could you please paraphrase/clarify what you hear me saying?"
3. "I am having a hard time hearing what you have to say right now. Could I ask you to lower your voice or check the tone and use an “I statement” and fully own your experience?"

When I stop listening and begin preparing my response, I stop listening well. I make it about me instead of making it about you. I want to make sure you understand me, more than I want to make sure I understand you.

That is not great listening.

When I am reactive to what I think I heard you say, that is not great listening. Common, but not great.

When I set aside my ego, my perspective and opinion and truly, sincerely listen to you, then I can begin to say I am a great listener. When I can listen, be engaged, keep you talking until I really get what it is you are saying, then I am on the right track. It is best if I also clarify what you said, just to be sure I got it.

When we fully listen, we eliminate many miscommunications. Let's face it, many of the problems within communication have to do with listening rather than talking.

Can I hear what is not being said and clarify that as well?

I do this presentation for Businesses because many of the rules of relationships are the same whether we have them with co-workers or family or friends and it all starts with words. Business is just a different set of relationships.

When I listen to a customer, I am giving of myself. I am showing them that I have their back, that I am trustworthy in that I can put my needs behind their needs.

Extreme listening is by definition an act of love.

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I want things the way I want them. I have strong preferences and I assume that my way is what is best for me. When I let go of the control, there is no telling how things will work out.

Being out of control can be scary to people, very scary. This often depends on what happened in their past when they were not in control.

Please look at your life and when it is easiest to let go of control and when it is hardest. Do you believe that life works out and things are going to be okay? If you do, you allow them to unfold, to happen organically. If you have had the experience that sometimes life really hurts you, you are more likely to push or pull or somehow manipulate to get your way.

Do a quick inventory of what is challenging in terms of letting go for you.


Of what do I need to let go?

Here are some of the ones I hear the most. I have put them in the masculine form, though I hear the same trends from women:

Closure-issues from my past, hers, ours

Am I still hung up on what’s her name, my first girlfriend?
Am I comparing my wife with ________?
Am I still thinking about you-know-who at inopportune times?
Does my wife know I still have contact with what’s her name?

Can I let go of the difficulty we had when we were first dating, or the miscarriage, the affair, that porn thing, the thing she said about me to her family/friends?

Do I need closure about that guy she was dating before we met, or the time I thought she was having an affair and she denied it, or that time she was traveling and when she got back, she talked in her sleep.

Everyone lets go or else sleep could not happen. We have plenty of practice at letting go. Exercise your letting go muscle and be mindful of what it feels like each time you let go. There can be a freeing quality to it or a sweet surrender.

Here is to a week of experimenting with letting go.

All the best,
Don

I ran across this article from a few years back that seems to have the same relevance today that it had back then.

"Neither do we know why the self-esteem of girls drops markedly at ages 12 or 13 or why girls are more cooperative and involved in relationships (Gilligan, Lyons & Hanmer, 1990). Actually, interesting recent research indicates that the drop in math and science grades only occurs in girls from traditional families in which gender roles are emphasized and the mothers are assigned the child-rearing role. Girls in egalitarian families also spent seven more hours per week with their fathers than girls in traditional families. These findings are reported in Psychology Today, August, 1996, and based on Kimberly A. Updegraff's research as a graduate student at Penn State. Good fathering is important.

Men and women operate in two very different social worlds. Men are in an ongoing contest, competing with everyone by displaying their competence and skill. Why don't men ask for directions when lost? Because it puts them in a you-know-more-than-I-do position. Women are cautious but persistently seek intimacy; they want emotional support, cooperation, and praise. Given these different orientations, it is no wonder the sexes have trouble communicating!

Many men relish getting into lively arguments about politics, sports, or a professional issue. Like boys at play, men are establishing their place in the pecking order."

While we point out the differences in gender, I would also like to say that I am finding more and more sameness between genders as I do this counseling work. There are more style differences than gender differences. The idea is not to highlight the differences, it is to point out potential hurdles so that we can adequately prepare.

While watching the video Celestine Prophecy, I was reminded about sending energy. Both men and women thrive on energy and attention and appreciation. Imagine a society in which everyone got their fill of energy. We can do this for our partners. I can send my wife energy and she instantly feels better. She does the same for me and then I have more to send her. We can expand this and expand this. The movie highlights this at the end and the ironic part is that my wife does energy healing in which she sends energy to people. It is a great complement to the counseling practice and we are working on ways to bring this gift to more people.

Imagine opening your heart on a regular basis to your partner and feeling full of energy. It is a wonderful place from which to operate. It has great implications for relationships as well.

School starts up soon, so I look forward to more regular blog posting.

All the best,
Don

Honey,

Thank you for another friendly year. You are a good person and I respect you as the mother of my children.

As far as our marriage goes, this was a year I prefer to forget. You see, I want an active spouse, not just someone to mother my children. I would like an active relationship with some romance, someone who is invested in us. While I am grateful that you have invested so much in the children, I often feel like an outsider.

There are days at a time that when I try to emotionally connect with you, you dismiss me. You don't make time for us even when I do all the things you ask me to do.

It feels like you just don’t want to connect. I am thinking that with enough repetitions of this, I won’t want to be close to you either. You see, it hurts to be rejected repeatedly, even if I am a guy and we are supposed to be used to it.

This marriage is probably not going to work unless you engage in it and yet I am afraid to say it again because whenever I mention something I would like or prefer you get so doggone defensive. Walking on eggshells is not good for a marriage.

Again, I have been shot down 90% of the times that I try to get close to you emotionally (I won’t even begin to talk about the physical aspect of our relationship) so I am not sure it is going to work.

I am at the point of asking “Why do people get married?”

Happy Anniversary

By the way, if this sounds like your relationship, give me a call. There are definitely ways we can improve

Dear Couples Counselor,

So I realize I am getting out of work early. My wife and I have not connected in awhile. We kinda did yesterday for a bit, so we are on the right track, mostly. I would like to connect with her tonight as it is our normal night for one another. It is our unwritten rule that we hang together and if we get intimate, this is one of our best opportunities and here I am early out of work.

I am looking forward to seeing her, so I let her know that I am on my way. She replies favorably and I get my hopes up. Is this a mistake or is this just trying to let the past be in the past? Is this me being naïve or in denial or is it me cutting slack?

So she knows I am coming home but she is in the middle of a project (late night project) and says she will finish soon, but I can talk with her while she is working on her project. I try talking with her and find that she is just too preoccupied with that and answering texts. I go and do the dishes she made, to lighten the load, do my part etc. Rather than say, “thanks,” she becomes defensive and says, “you don’t have to do that, you know.”

I realize that while she invited me to talk to her and connect while she is doing the project, that is simply not realistic right now. No matter, I go and busy myself. She gets done with her project and gets on the computer to do some work (paid) stuff.

Now, 90 minutes after I came home, she is ready to be done with her stuff. Mind you, it is late night. I am in the shower, still hoping to get lucky, but a bit sweaty. I am trying to make the situation as good as possible.

She falls asleep while I am rubbing her back.

So, I feel like she is selfish, putting her needs and her interests in front of the relationship. Then she falls asleep after postponing physical intimacy yet again. But wait, she wakes up and wants to be intimate. I attempt not feeling insulted and ignored. I pleasure her and she tells me she might not be able to reciprocate in the same way. After what appears to be a good bit of pleasure just on her part, she says she is spent for the night and cannot pleasure me at all.

I try to release expectations. I try to not be resentful.

Perhaps we will connect in the morning.

The next morning she extends her walk by 30 minutes, then comes home and waters the plants. This is often time that we connect. Then she says she is going to jump in the shower. She is making sure she gets everything done while I am there so she can spend as much time with the kids as possible.

I look at things differently. I am doing my best to get those things done so she and I can spend time together.

So she is a wonderful person, no doubt. I think she is awfully insensitive as a wife. I have repeatedly brought these issues to her, she works on them with her counselor. She likes how I bring them up to her, respectfully. I am just about done with trying.

Is this a relationship worth saving?

Dear reader- please let me know your thoughts. I am sometimes overly optimistic about saving a relationship and what is worth saving. What do you think about this? Can you see yourself in this?

  "My wife makes me angry!"

Dear reader: I am risking you having a strong reaction to this, so please cut me some slack as I walk through the logic. Try to not take it too personally. If emotions come up, go ahead and deal with them, let them evaporate and come back to the words here.

Let’s look at what he is really saying. “She is responsible for my feelings. I have no control over how I feel. She did something and the only option I have is to feel angry,” therefore, “she made me angry.”

Obviously, this is a logic trap and yet so many of us fall into it.

I can only be happy if my wife ____ (fill in the blank).

I choose to be happy only if my wife ____

Unless my wife does ____ I refuse to be happy

It is impossible for me to be happy if my wife _______

Why would I consciously create such a dilemma in my brain? I choose to be happy only if she _____ (fill in the blank).

Also, isn’t that a bit controlling? If she doesn’t ____(fill in blank) then she is responsible for my feelings.

That feels more like a guilt trip. Also, look at what is in your blank.

On a deeper level, I am saying “Unless she does what I want her to do, I will punish her by being angry or at least withholding my happiness from her.”

We all do this, right?

Can we stop and take responsibility for our behavior with this?

I am responsible for how I feel.

The events that happen influence me, ultimately I am responsible for how I respond. That makes sense.

I am not some helpless victim. I do not have only one response to no matter what happens. I have choices, options.

Again, “I refuse to allow myself to be happy if my wife does not do what I would like her to do.” We can justify this all day and yet, it rings false.

We create our own misery, happiness and sadness. Do not limit what you allow to make you happy!

With Peace,

Don

I keep getting comments that go along this line-
Why does my husband/wife not have time for me? Why did we even get married, if he has to "fit me in?"

My quick reply is this and it may not be popular- If you have to "fit in" your spouse, your priorities are suspect. Whatever you think is important, you may need to revisit. If all your spouse is getting is leftovers, you may soon be an ex-spouse. If that happens, your priorities change rather quickly and sometimes not in your control. Obviously, I am oversimplifying to make a point.

Clarify what your values are and then live according to those values. If family is important to you, and you know the single most important thing in keeping the family together is your marriage, it stands to reason that you would work on your marriage proactively, before there were problems.

Instead, our ego gets in the way. "I am too important (busy) to do that," he thinks to himself. Then he rationalizes that it is more important to work that many hours than it is to spend quality time with his wife. When his wife starts cheating on him, or starts the divorce proceedings, he realizes that his logic stopped at a certain point.
Good luck working that many hours AND doing all the single parenting required when divorcing, oh yeah and the distractions that go along with divorce. Realistically, it is easier to stay married, spend time with your partner and reap the rewards of a good marriage. The price? Spend time with your spouse.

Look at your ego. When you are too busy, you are saying how important you are. When you are too busy for your spouse, the message is clear, "I am important and you are not." Try being on the receiving end of that message from your spouse and see how you respond.

Dear Couples Counselor:
(reminder- this is a composite- not an actual case but several stories rolled into one- to protect confidentiality)

My wife basically promised me sex for a set amount of days as a gift. I did not take her literally. I understood that she wanted to be more sexual because I like it a lot. It is frustrating, though, to have her promise sex and an hour later be asleep on the couch, snoring.

I am not a heel, I do a ton of work around the house, am very involved with the kids, rub her back and feet and treat her well. Oh, yeah, I work outside the home and make a good living, too. I am attentive to  her and still she is not interested. She’s not even interested in talking about it to make it work better.

We have talked about not promising because I take her at her word. Instead, if she could say, “Hey honey, I’m feeling amorous. Maybe tonight if we both have energy…” it would go over really well. She says that is too tentative and her intent is to be amorous. But then she does not follow through, repeatedly.

I don’t trust her and I end up dismissing her words, as a result. It would be much better if she would stop promising.

While my problem is not that I take it personally, it is really frustrating. When someone says something to me, I take them at their word. I do not then expect her to fill her promise, that would be ugly, I simply don’t want her to promise something she is unable to deliver. Am I being unreasonable?

I know you have told me to stop wishing for the world to be different than it is, that that wish is causing me suffering. Well what about her behavior? Why does she have the right to keep doing this and I just have to take it?

Counselor note: This is fairly common. I am compiling answers to this and previous scenarios. Would love to hear from you, the reader.

Further note: Thanks for reading this. I have gotten quite a bit of feedback that people read this, like it and feel a little funny about commenting on the actual blog. Your comments help me to not have an extended monologue in cyberspace, though.

Thank you,
Don