​First component:
Separate observation from evaluation.
 
The Indian philosopher KrishnaMurti once remarked, "observing, without evaluating, is the highest form of human intelligence."
 
It is difficult to make observations, especially of people and their behavior, that are free of judgment, criticism, or other forms of analysis. 
 
What is this person doing the conflicts with your needs? (that is observation.)
 
Inferring (guessing, assuming, mind reading) what another person is thinking is not the same as observing behavior. 
 
When you have an issue try this: create a list identifying specific behaviors that bother you and make sure that the list is free of evaluation and judgment and criticism -that it was just observation. 
 
Here are some hints for knowing when you are evaluating: 

1. Use of the verb "to be" without indicating that the evaluator takes responsibility for the evaluation. 
2. Use of a verb with evaluative connotation (Doug procrastinates). 
3. Implication that one's inferences about another person's thoughts, feelings, intentions or desires are the only ones possible.
4. Confusion of prediction (guess, hypothesis) with certainty.
5. Failure to be specific about that to whom you were referring to ("immigrants don't take care of their property" vs. "I have not seen the immigrant family in that house shovel snow from their front walk").
6. Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made ("he's a poor Soccer player" vs "he hasn't scored a goal in 20 games"). 
7. Use of adverbs and adjectives in ways that do not indicate an evaluation has been made ("Jim is ugly" vs "Jim's looks don't appeal to me"). 

 
In other words not taking responsibility for what you just said.
 
See pp 34-35 for exercise training to distinguish between observation and evaluation 
 
I so thoroughly enjoy and appreciate his perspective. It is simply transformative in counseling sessions with couples who are struggling!

​I am going to introduce a concept that many of you have already heard of.
Other forms of Life -Alienating communication:

1. Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language of that blocks compassion. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply.
2. The concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment is also associated with life -alienating communication. 

This thinking is expressed by the word "deserve" as in "he deserves to be punished for what he did."
It assumes badness on the part of people who behave in certain ways, and it calls for punishment to make them repent and change their behavior.  
 
"I believe it is in everyone's interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves." MR
 
"Life -alienating communication both stems from, and supports, hierarchical or "domination societies," where large populations are controlled by a small number of individuals to those individuals own benefit. 
     It would be in the interest of Kings, czars, nobles, and so forth that the masses be educated in a way that renders them slave -like in mentality. 
     The language of wrongness, "should," and "have to" is perfectly suited for this purpose: the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves, to outside authorities, for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings." Marshall Rosenberg

Life Alienating Communication (by Marshall Rosenberg, within NonViolent Communication)
 
Making a comparison
Another form of judgment is the use of comparisons. Dan Greenberg in the book "How to Make Yourself Miserable" suggested that if readers have a sincere desire to make life miserable for themselves, they might learn to compare themselves to other people. He provides a few exercises: compare yourself to person whose body is the ideal physical beauty by contemporary media standards. Compare yourself to Mozart's accomplishments at age 12. 
 
Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility. 
 
Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The use of the common expression "have to" as in "there are some things you have to do whether you like it or not," illustrates how personal responsibility for our actions can be obscured in speech.
 
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:

1. Vague, impersonal forces -for example "I cleaned my room because I had to. "
2. Our condition, diagnosis, or personal or psychological history -I drink because I'm an alcoholic. 
3. The actions of others -I hit my child because he ran into the street. 
4. The dictates of authority- I lied to the client because the boss told me too. 
5. Group pressure -I started smoking because all my friends did. 
6. Institutional policies, rules and regulations -I have to suspend you for this infraction because it's the school policy. 
7. Gender roles, social rules, or age roles -I hate going to work, but I do it because I'm a husband and a father. 
8. Uncontrollable impulses -I was overcome by my urge to eat the candy bar.

 
We can replace language that implies lack of choice for language that acknowledges choice. Why do people do that? Here's a clue, "but I don't like saying it that way. It makes me feel so responsible for what I am doing."

​Four Options
According to Rosenberg, there are four options when we receive a negative message: 
 
1 We can blame ourselves 
2 We can blame others 
3 We can sense our own feelings and needs 
4 We can sense the other person's feelings and needs.
 
Accept your responsibility for your feelings by acknowledging the thought behind it -"a blaming way of thinking generated my irritation" I can go a step further by identifying what I want; the more we are able to connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately. 

Precise Language
Someone was asking me why I was so incredibly enthusiastic about NVC. NVC opens up possibility with the precision of language. It makes people consider their word choices, their messages, before they speak. We are asked to be responsible for our words because they matter! I have seen couples in sessions here transform their conversations simply by taking responsibility for their side of the communication. It is touching!

"What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively?" Marshal Rosenberg
 
"And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?"
 
NvC is founded on language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions. 
 
Guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. 
 
Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. 
 
We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.