​Be a Man!

I just witnessed this and wanted to share. The people involved thought they were acting reasonably, by the way.

She told her husband that she wanted him to be a real man, to man up, to be a confident man, as she was actively tearing him down. Then she told him she was sick of being in charge, while she took charge yet again. I tried to get her to release the reins and she refused, refusing also to see her role in our particular dynamic. She portrayed herself as a victimized woman, never in power, as she powerfully defended her victim position. It would have been funny…

“I want you to be in charge, to take charge. Here’s exactly how I want you to do it,” she said.

Believe it or not, it was dealing with a romantic relationship and the guy was a little gun shy. Each time he went in for a kiss, he was rebuffed, then he was told he didn’t flirt enough, wasn’t physical in the right way and quite frankly was not manly. She took 0% of the responsibility for her role in this dance and it was my job to help her see that she had a part to play. While I normally love my job, this was not something I was looking forward to doing.

I gently pointed out the difference between her words and actions and she went ballistic and left the office.

We later talked about mixed signals. She clearly (I made sure I was not just guessing on this) had a pre determined way she wanted him to come in for the kiss. She wanted him to read her mind, she said, and just come in the way she wanted, when she wanted, for as long as she wanted and not have to talk about it at all. He had to figure it out if he was to win her back. (She was the one who had the affair, by the way.)

When he withdrew, seeing absolutely no hope for saving this, she was livid that he did not fight for the relationship. I saw that one coming from a mile away. She then went off on him.

After this session, I asked a number of people the following questions: “Whose job is it to initiate a kiss? How do you know when the partner wants to be kissed or is open to it?”

​Before I reveal what they said, what are your views on this?

He said this to her and she insisted they talk about it. He refused.

“You do not have the right to force me to talk about something!” he yelled at her, trying to create distance.

She replied that he did not have the right to be silent about it. That it was her right to talk if she needed to talk just like it was his right to be silent if he needed to not talk about it. She said neither need trumped the other.

They turned to me to be the referee and I declined to be the referee.

I suggested they talk about not talking about it and they talk about talking about it. In the process of talking about it, it may become clear what path to follow next. There is no black and white on these things, as in most things in life.

If you’ve read my blog, you likely know that I suggested they use the skill called “validation.” This is how you
communicate to the other person that you get where they are coming from and you acknowledge their right to a different point of view. It beats demanding that the person do it just like you do it. Yes, you can validate when you do not agree with the person.

I have to ask myself the question, “why would you want to talk about something with someone who so clearly does not want to engage in conversation with you?” What would you gain from hearing yourself speak and having that person ignore you? If he is telling you that he doesn’t believe in your process, doesn’t want to do it and doesn’t see it doing any good, don’t you clearly see what is going to happen next? It is a lose-lose, the worst possible outcome. Postpone the conversation for another time or have the conversation with a counselor/mediator to help you with it if it is one of those conversations that cannot be avoided.

I’ve heard so many men say, “Talking about it only makes it worse.” Yes, this is true for some subjects for people who have not developed their communication skills. If both people have decent communication skills, talking about it can make things better, they can agree to disagree and sometimes they can resolve things. If one or both do not have the ability, then talking about it is not a great idea.

NOTE:
Thank you for the comments on the previous two blogs. Yes, it comes off as inauthentic or a strategy. It comes off as wimpy or ungrounded instead of nice and genuine. Most people said they felt uncomfortable with this type of interaction, even if they could not articulate why.

​I appreciate the comments!

Follow up
Someone asked me why people do not offer comments to the blog. Well, they do, they just do not offer those comments on the blog itself. Some feel self-conscious and others just email me at donboice@boicecounseling.com to give me feedback or ideas.

So the feedback for the previous blog was pretty consistent. “Nice guy” is truly a code. It means “wimp.” The guy above had not gotten out of the friend zone. He was - the type of guy who would be a good friend, but not a protector, maybe too passive, a pushover, and trying too hard. In other words, he was not attractive in the way she needed the attraction to work. Being “nice” is a perquisite, just not the only prerequisite. It is necessary, but not sufficient. It is only one of many qualities needed for a relationship to work. It was not a good fit for that person.

For another woman, this man might be a great fit.

He can try to change who he is to make it work a little longer, but eventually the poor fit will mean it does not work!

Think of someone you yourself know who is really a good person, just not a good match for you. If only you felt attracted to them, the relationship you could have…

That’s how it worked. So, yes, women want “nice guys” as long as they also have other attributes that add up to a good level of attraction. Yes, men also want the same thing from women. We want women to be nice and kind, and attractive, as we define.

​Next entry will deal with a woman telling a man how to be a man. This happens with a disturbing frequency in my sessions. Spoiler alert: Please stop trying to change your partner. If they are not acceptable as they are, you have hard decisions to make. You have the right to request a minor change. Request it and let it go, rather than repeatedly remind the person they are not good enough.

​Remember When Being Nice Was a Good Thing?

Imagine a client of mine telling me the following:

“I am getting old and realizing just how traditional my values are. Please give me feedback and help me to see if maybe this is a blindspot of mine.

Raised to be polite, considerate, pleasant and not complain too much, I try to live by those values. Recently, I have had two separate women tell me that I was “too nice” , expressed gratitude too much, complimented too much and furthermore, I was altogether too pleasant. I held the door to the car, to the restaurant. I brought flowers. I pushed in her chair and paid for our meals and our coffee. Personally, I see those things as good and intend to keep them and yet to have two people tell me the same thing within a couple weeks and judging how bothered they were by them, it concerns me. Surrounding myself with nice people, these are not jerks or insensitive folks. Wonder if they were being indirect and telling me more than I heard…

My personality is such that I attempt to be grateful for absolutely everything in my life. I point out positive all the time. My job helps me to see how underappreciated most humans feel and they feel taken for granted. When confronting, I can do it in a way that most people appreciate and hear. As a matter of fact, I teach how to confront, because I have struggled so much of my life with it that I needed to learn more and became a subject matter expert on it. It doesn’t feel like I am trying too hard, because I do this all the time.

When I asked them directly, they could not quite articulate what they meant.”                 

​What would you tell this client to help him understand the situation?