​Responsible Healthy Adults
Do you take responsibility for your life or do you play the victim sometimes?
As an adult, if you want something- ask. Tell your partner why you want it (give context for your request). If you still don’t get it, you can ask again. If it is dealbreaker, or if the culmination leads to a dealbreaker, break the deal.
Do not put up with less than you deserve (after you have talked about it and made your point) and don’t disrespect yourself. No power plays or ultimatums. No unilateral decisions or taking issues in the relationship off the table.
I am not responsible for getting you in the mood. I can contribute or influence, but it really is your job. Step up and assume your responsibility- both of you.
If you want your relationship to work, you also have to do some of the work. If you are never in the mood, talk about it. Ask for help from me or from a professional. Get yourself in the mood. No blaming other people for what is your responsibility.
Take responsibility for your sexuality, as other healthy responsible adults do. Don’t just show up and expect to be entertained. “I let him have sex with me,” is insulting. “Sex is his job,” is not showing up as an adult.
Show interest and enthusiasm and if you find that you cannot do that, talk about it with your partner and your therapist.
If you never have arousal or desire, there are likely emotional issues that block you. How are you blocking your desire or arousal?
Don’t blame the other person, please, that is playing the victim. How are you doing it?
How are you building desire and arousal internally? It is your job, as is your orgasm. Help your partner figure it out. Talk about it, don’t assume they know and are withholding it from you. Don’t assume they can read your mind. Ask yourself how well your partner has read your mind in the last few months. What is their track record?
Some people fake an orgasm, which is pure silliness. That is training them to do things that don’t work for you. If your partner believes you like something, chances are really go they will do it again. If you’re faking, you are going to get a lot of things that do not lead to orgasm.
Orgasm is not the point, building energy is. Relaxing and connecting with your partner… However, if you never have an orgasm, that is something to talk about with a specialist. Don’t deprive yourself, please.
From the Art of Sexual Ecstasy By M. Anand
 “The Tantric tradition of ecstatic sexuality stresses the importance of skillful preparation so that when you come to lovemaking, you feel whole, unified and healed.” Are you willing to go through the preparation or will you give up? Do you follow through or go with instant gratification? There’s something here that will be a huge reward if you stick with it.
“Tantric masters had always said; Your true nature is blissful. If you close your eyes and go inside, if you give yourself a chance to go deep enough, past the chatter of everyday consciousness and outside distractions, you can discover that you already have ecstasy within you, 24 hours a day.”
EXERCISE: Ask yourself the following questions and listen to that inner voice. How much ecstasy can you handle? Does it interest you to quiet your mind, tame it and not be distracted? Do you want to go deep into it and find the ecstasy? Are you willing to do the work to get there?
EXERCISE Have you ever tried kegels? Look them up and try them

​Peace, Satisfaction, Contentment, Gratitude, Equanimity

If you feel like a separate and finite individual, you are unlikely to feel equanimity, contentment and happiness. Remember, your feelings are not facts. Just because you feel it, does not make it true. We want connection and when we are unaware of the connection already there, we don't like how it feels.

Get to know yourself, deeply (know you and you know the universe- remember you are of the same essence) and you unite with the universe- you are already one with all, you don’t become one with all just because you just realized you already are. There is nothing to be done, just be aware of it.

Nothing is achieved or reached, you just become aware of it.

Selfless love of others helps you wake up to that reality.

EXERCISE: Do something today that is kind and don’t get caught doing it. Do it without reward. Pay it forward.

Sexual intercourse, done mindfully, with awareness of the divinity in the self and the other,  helps with spiritual attainment, heightens ecstatic feelings and helps people wake up to their true nature. It can be an overwhelming process, so there are breathing exercises, physical exercises and purification to prepare people.

EXERCISE: Ask yourself if you are ready for sacred sexuality. Are you comfortable talking about deeper topics or are you superficial (no value judgment, just be honest)? Are you more into pop culture or quantum physics or the metaphysical or spiritual or animals? Can you see the connection to the above?

Are you interesting? Are you sometimes interesting? How can you tell?

Who is interesting in your life and what makes them interesting? Who finds you interesting? Why? Ask them.
What holds you back (fear?) from your full expression? If it is fear, what will you do to face your fear?

Name the fear and come up with an action plan.

Stop reading and do something. If you are simply reading this and not doing anything new, you are guaranteeing no change in your life. Go back and do the exercises and watch how your life starts changing in subtle ways.

Emotional Connection confuses people

​Okay, usually confuses men, has been my experience. Talk about emotional connection and what you want and what it means. Define terms… Define what you want and what level and how you get there.

As you connect emotionally and become more intimate, you are becoming more open and vulnerable. It won’t be comfortable and soothing at times. You will need to validate and soothe yourself, not wait for them to do it for you.

This level of intimacy sets the tone for sexual conversations, preferences and the ability to come back from conflict and difficulty. Not every orgasm includes satisfaction or even high arousal. Those with intimacy do…

By the way, as both genders mature and age, men tend to be more interested in emotional connection. Women tend to enjoy sex for their own pleasure rather than for their partner’s pleasure as the age. Connection is more important than technique if you want the best sex. (Schnarch)

Exercise: Introduce yourself to 3 people today (strangers) and face one of your fears with them. (Fear kills intimacy and facing your fear helps you tolerate the difficulty of vulnerability required for a healthy adult relationship.) They don’t have to know what your fear is. It could be talking to strangers. It could be admitting something about yourself.

You have succeeded when you have talked to that third person and have faced a fear. Build your courage muscles…

How did it go?
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What do you need to do differently for next time to be more successful?
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Did you compliment them on something they are wearing? Did you just listen? Did you have a rehearsed line to start the conversation?

​Tantra and sacred sexuality
 
Tantra leads to personal development and filling yourself, taking responsibility, for your life. There’s something missing in your life. You feel a hole or a void. Something is just plain off.

Everyone has inner conflict and a sense of something missing. What is missing? (Be absolutely honest with yourself)

What is the nature of your inner conflict? (spend some time this week contemplating this one question and come up with a good answer if you are interested in growth)

Can we bridge the opposites? Can we reunite the male and female principles, the yin and yang?

Some people are just looking for sex techniques here and don’t quite get the philosophy of using everything that arises as an opportunity for uniting with the sacred. It is not about good sex, it is about taking the goodness of sex and transcending the body, after having experienced the body. If all you have is great sex, you missed about 80% of the lesson!

Healthy sexuality is the urge for unity and self-discovery. Get to know yourself well enough to experience what is and is not missing.

Maybe that was part of the design, to keep you seeking… Maybe there is nothing missing at all and you struggle to accept that. Maybe what is missing is hidden but not missing.

Maybe there are parts of you that you do not accept and you have disowned or exiled. You feel separation and a lack of internal unity. You don’t fully experience yourself or your place in the universe.

You don’t get who you really are until you engage in self-discovery. Know your source and be aware of complementarity in your life. Again, watch what happens to your sense of wholeness. Ask yourself yet again, what is missing?

Merge the masculine and feminine energies within if you want unity. Stay in the unity for awhile

Welcoming all the parts of you back (they were never really gone) makes you feel more content and whole. You pretending that you do not have a shadow (hidden) side, that you don’t have flaws is delusional. They’re there, own them and move on. For example, I know people who say that they are not selfish. As if, all humans are selfish, they were skipped for that character trait. We are inherently selfish. We are self centered, self referencing and self absorbed in many of our daily actions. Fight it or accept it and watch which path give you more growth.

Exercise- What parts of your personality do you pretend you don’t have? For example, I am a nice guy, so I pretend I am not also rude, obnoxious, mean etc Very few people see that side and I used to tell people that I am not mean, rather than own that every human being has that aspect. I am no exception. If I own that I can be mean and do mean things at times, then I am less likely to be mean.

​Sometimes, I need to know that I can handle myself and use that gear. There are times I must stand up to someone very powerfully. Not be a jerk or awful, but bordering on mean. Imagine the stray dog that attacked me. I was not nice and I did not have to be abusive or hurtful, but I definitely was not going to let it bite me or go after my kids.

INTIMACY

I have heard people say they are not deep or do not want intimacy or do not talk about these with their partner, but they do talk about these with their friends. This strikes me as indirect.

Tell your partner what you want and how what they do affects you. Let them get to know you. It might make you feel vulnerable.

Ask them to hold off on any judgment or rejection. If your partner is going to reject you because you have a preference, perhaps there is another problem in the relationship.

As people age, they seem to care less what others think of them. They care, just not as much as previously. Ask for what you want and you increase the likelihood of getting what you want.

Imagine hitting levels of energy and excitement and pleasure that leave you tingling and open your heart. Imagine your body feeling amazing and knowing your partner wants you to feel that way over and over.

Now imagine that it does not end with ejaculation or sleeping/exhaustion for the man. He decides not to ejaculate, but just to enjoy the ride. You cuddle up and bond emotionally, not just physically.

That’s not to say that ejaculation is a bad thing or undesirable. If it is the only goal every single time, perhaps you missed the point of high sex or sacred sex. It is not about just personal gratification, it is about bonding and transcending and personal development.

Don’t miss out of the good stuff because you got selfish.

Exercise: The next two times you have sex, try not ejaculating. Talk about it with your partner ahead of time and just experiment with it. The goal isn’t to exhaust yourself, it is to feel pleasure and enjoyment and go along for a ride. It is about the journey, not the destination.

​Second EXERCISE: Mix it up. Practice not being the nice guy and not following all the rules today.
Note: Neutered men do not make good partners. Don’t break laws or get yourself fired or deserving of a breakup.

​List 3 rules you need to challenge today:
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How did it go?
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What do you need to do differently?
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​We Got Our Signals Crossed
Have you ever really wanted your partner to desire you? Like they can’t keep their hands off you- that level of desire? They say they are really into you and the actions (in your head) don’t match the words…

That doesn’t feel good. We all want to be wanted (when we want to be wanted).

John and Julie Gottman PhD talk about making sure you each know the other’s signals.

When she shaves her legs, for example, chances improve… or when her bra and panties match, that is often a really strong tell. Pay attention to patterns, realizing they are not set in stone. Anticipate when the odds are in the favor of being intimate. That is  part one.

Part two includes having the conversation(s) about preferences and the conversation about signals. Do you light the candle to let her know you are in the mood if she is? And then do you tell her that that is your signal?

 Do you have that favorite playlist going as she gets ready for bed? Do you mention that maybe tonight she might get lucky if she plays her cards right? Do you put your arms around her for a hug from behind? Do you offer a back rub? Do you get flowers and arrange a babysitter and go out to eat first?

What are your signals? Tell your partner what they are instead of making them guess.

My pet peeve is really indirect signals that you have not told your partner about. If you are sending a signal and it was not received and understood, your signal is not direct enough. Are you someone who was taught that it was impolite to talk about sex and preferences? Did your parents or friends or society tell you that sex was dirty and don’t think about it? Are you in touch with what you like and are you courageous enough to own your preferences?

Part three is about warm up- have the conversation about how much time each of you need for warm up. Some people have told me that they need their partner to be nice for at least a couple days (which seems like a super low threshold) and others say that when their partner shows an inability to listen to them, they feel devalued and nothing will get them in the mood if they don’t feel valued.

That warm up time includes clearing your mind from the thoughts of the day and changing gears mentally to being a couple instead of mommy/daddy or letting go of the events of the day.

​What do you need for yourself for this and what do you need from your partner for this? Include this in your ritual of connection for sex and making love. Imagine being this direct, “I would love to connect sexually with you tonight and I am also feeling tired. How would you feel if we just made love but limited it to 30 minutes or less and then cuddled to sleep?”

Tantric Massage by Ellen Green and Mike Sanders
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 “Women tend to think of the G spot orgasms as deeper and the clitoral orgasm as distinctly sharper.
 
“Keep massaging going on through one peak and then to another.” You can keep stimulating and mixing it up. After an orgasm, the clitoris is potentially overstimulated so move away for up to 30 seconds (or more if she tells you longer) but still touch her and massage and the female body has the capacity for multiple orgasms, so go ahead and keep massaging her sexually. Try alternating from clitoral to Gspot and then consider the cervical orgasm (not often referenced- I’d ask you to look that up- not covered here) and talk about that.
 
“Communication is key about expectations before, during and after. Some people refrain from sexual activity after massage so that they can just receive or just give and then later they make love.
 
Specifics: “Usually, women prefer having their entire vulva stimulated by rubbing gently, followed up with clitoral stimulation and finally having their G spot stimulated. Neither clitoral nor vaginal stimulation tends to feel good unless the woman happens to be in a high state of arousal.” Consider touching different zones of her body, the primary, secondary and tertiary sexual zones, so that her whole body is alive and feeling stimulation and the waves come. Women tend to prefer less variety in stroke when approaching orgasm itself. Variety is good during the massage, but when she is near climax, slow down and gentle, less stimulation- ask her about this, in case her preference is different.
 
“Ask her what she likes best when it comes to each of the above. Each part of her body is sacred and to be respected and honored, just as yours is.
 
“It is quite helpful to include verbal as well as non-verbal encouragement while massaging your partner. Tell the receiver something sexy about their body that you enjoy seeing them in a vulnerable position and that you like the way their body reacts to your body. Some women report that they’re worried that perhaps her partner is getting tired of pleasuring them with a woman might feel pressure of having an orgasm to please you.” Women talk about not wanting to put the male out by having to do too much work or maybe trying too hard to have an orgasm. Orgasm is not the goal, pleasure is the goal and then channeling the energy. If you are intent on giving her an orgasm, consider the perspective that it might be your issue not hers. Don’t make her feel like she is letting you down by not orgasming or then she might fake it. Talk about faking it with her. Ask her to never fake it so that she does not train you to do stuff that does not lead to orgasm. Tell her what you like about her body. Both men and women are sensitive about their bodies and this is not the right time to mention weight, scars, birthmarks etc. anything that might be sensitive to them. Make them feel good about themselves by pointing out what you appreciate about them.
 
Exercise: Make a list of things you like about your partner to share during this phase.

Be Present and Responsive to Your Partner During Tantric Massage
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  “When massaging the male you’ll need to change, slow down or stop what you were doing before he reaches the point of no return. Repeated peaking can at times help men have multiple orgasms without actually ejaculating.
 
“Repeated peaking helps in delaying the orgasm and when it does come, that orgasm would be like no other. The main objective of the massage is to provide maximum pleasure.” Ejaculating is not the goal, because there is no goal, other than to enjoy the journey. Faster, slower, listen to the breath and tune in to one another...
 
Make sure you are using lubrication and that you have trimmed your finger nails, no sharp edges (and the callouses on your hands are generously lubed at all times, so that it does not feel like sandpaper).
 
“It isn’t necessary that the man needs to have an erection throughout the duration of the massage. Some massage strokes feel better when a penis is soft.  Men, you don’t need to worry about whether or not your penis is erect.
 
“It is a safe bet to assume that firm and consistent stroking feels good for the man.” Again, the man is not performing, but receiving. Focus on your whole body, not just your penis. Be where you are and be present, eyes open so that your consciousness is focused on the massage, not on fantasy land."
All quotes are from Tantric Massage by Ellen Green and Mike Sanders
 
 
In the book there are actual techniques: healing stroke, anvil stroke, climbing the mountain. Check out the book for the techniques.
 
The main points are to make sure that you pay attention to the entire body and when you’re doing general massage make sure that you’re having variety in your stroke and continue to stroke, even after his orgasm, or stop if your lover asked you to stop stroking. Variety is a huge deal. Talk about the timing of the orgasm, if you are choosing to have one. One complaint is that the woman stops too soon because she misreads when he is ready to be done.
 
Exercise: Talk about what you might like to receive and how. Talk about how you see this encounter going and compare notes with your partner. Talk about expectations for just receiving versus penetration and ejaculation.