Do you take responsibility for your life or do you play the victim sometimes?
As an adult, if you want something- ask. Tell your partner why you want it (give context for your request). If you still don’t get it, you can ask again. If it is dealbreaker, or if the culmination leads to a dealbreaker, break the deal.
Do not put up with less than you deserve (after you have talked about it and made your point) and don’t disrespect yourself. No power plays or ultimatums. No unilateral decisions or taking issues in the relationship off the table.
I am not responsible for getting you in the mood. I can contribute or influence, but it really is your job. Step up and assume your responsibility- both of you.
If you want your relationship to work, you also have to do some of the work. If you are never in the mood, talk about it. Ask for help from me or from a professional. Get yourself in the mood. No blaming other people for what is your responsibility.
Take responsibility for your sexuality, as other healthy responsible adults do. Don’t just show up and expect to be entertained. “I let him have sex with me,” is insulting. “Sex is his job,” is not showing up as an adult.
Show interest and enthusiasm and if you find that you cannot do that, talk about it with your partner and your therapist.
If you never have arousal or desire, there are likely emotional issues that block you. How are you blocking your desire or arousal?
Don’t blame the other person, please, that is playing the victim. How are you doing it?
How are you building desire and arousal internally? It is your job, as is your orgasm. Help your partner figure it out. Talk about it, don’t assume they know and are withholding it from you. Don’t assume they can read your mind. Ask yourself how well your partner has read your mind in the last few months. What is their track record?
Some people fake an orgasm, which is pure silliness. That is training them to do things that don’t work for you. If your partner believes you like something, chances are really go they will do it again. If you’re faking, you are going to get a lot of things that do not lead to orgasm.
Orgasm is not the point, building energy is. Relaxing and connecting with your partner… However, if you never have an orgasm, that is something to talk about with a specialist. Don’t deprive yourself, please.
From the Art of Sexual Ecstasy By M. Anand
“The Tantric tradition of ecstatic sexuality stresses the importance of skillful preparation so that when you come to lovemaking, you feel whole, unified and healed.” Are you willing to go through the preparation or will you give up? Do you follow through or go with instant gratification? There’s something here that will be a huge reward if you stick with it.
“Tantric masters had always said; Your true nature is blissful. If you close your eyes and go inside, if you give yourself a chance to go deep enough, past the chatter of everyday consciousness and outside distractions, you can discover that you already have ecstasy within you, 24 hours a day.”
EXERCISE: Ask yourself the following questions and listen to that inner voice. How much ecstasy can you handle? Does it interest you to quiet your mind, tame it and not be distracted? Do you want to go deep into it and find the ecstasy? Are you willing to do the work to get there?
EXERCISE Have you ever tried kegels? Look them up and try them