Don, You Don’t Know What it is Like to be a Woman

Hard to disagree with that statement. She was telling me how catty women can be to one another, how mean, nasty and judgmental. Personally, that has not been my experience with women, though I have heard countless women say that about other women.

I think women act differently when there is a guy around, so I don’t get the same experience a woman would. I also think not all women are catty and that it is not an all or nothing issue.

Can you help me understand the whole catty thing?

What am I missing?

What is it? What motivates that behavior in the situations they described?

How can I, as a counselor, help women have better relationships with one another?

I think it is important for women to support one another, just as I think it is important for men to support one another. We all need more support and understanding.

If you would rather e-mail me than post here, my e-mail is donboice@boicecounseling.com

Thanks, in advance, for your suggestions on this,

Don

Has This Ever Happened to You?

“So, there I was on a tour of a foreign place. It was cool to see how they do things there. I got really absorbed in something and when I went to get back on the transport, I realized they had left me behind. There were only a few of us they left behind. The problem, man, is that it was a different planet and my transport was a spaceship. I am on the wrong planet and these, these people you see here, they are not my people,” he said, trying to explain his sense of loneliness, his sense of isolation.

He went on to say how he simply did not belong here and he cannot figure out how to get back to his planet of origin. (I will spare you the story of how I thought the woman in Florida was using figurative language when she told me the same story and then I realized she was being literal.)

Have you ever felt that way? Like you are out of synch or you do not belong, that maybe just maybe you were not from here and “your people” left you behind? It can be really painful to experience and it leads to more isolation when they try to articulate it and cannot do so adequately. No one “gets” them and they feel like they are better off alone. They stop even trying to fit in because it seems futile.

Many of us start with the belief that everyone thinks like we think. Of course you wouldn’t race the school bus down the street and then cut in front of it simply to turn right at the stop sign. That would make sense, but…

All the traffic is stopped on the highway, and on the shoulder comes some BMW with the driver talking on his cellphone and he goes fast and hard and forces his way in, near the front of the line of course. He went on to tell me- On my planet, there are consequences for that sort of behavior. Here? It seems to be rewarded.

I tend to accommodate people if it seems reasonable. On my planet, when someone does something nice for someone else, it is acknowledged and reciprocated, not taken advantage of or assumed that because you sacrificed yourself this one time, it would happen every time. I miss my planet, he told me.

Can you think of a time you felt like this?

What did you do to cope?

When Pope Francis said, "Who am I to judge?" it hit me really hard. If the Pope cannot judge, what right do we have to judge? We are not God, we do not clearly see the whole picture. It really takes the pressure off.

We may have an opinion based on what little we know or what little we hear/see, but we are not in a position to judge anyone. I love it.

It might be months or even years from now that you understand the benefit of things happening the way they did.

Challenge for today:
When you find yourself tempted to play God and judge someone, remind yourself "I do not see this situation clearly. I do not know what is happening behind the scenes."

A few months ago, a few men in my practice suggested it is time to run a men's group and open it up to the public as well.

They talked about how we have struggles in our lives and sometimes need the support of other men. Since men and women are so different, having a group of just men is a different experience and in the past people have loved it.

I have worked with men for about 26 years and done a good deal of personal work myself in different men's groups. I totally value the time and the work done, it can be transformational. We will talk about how frequently to meet and what topics the group would like to discuss- popular ones are money, sex and power.

Please let me know if you are interested and I will give you more information. donboice@boicecounseling.com is the best way to reach me.

The group will meet Friday, June 5, 2015 at 8 pm