If not, chances are you had difficulty with either sending or receiving expectations.

TRY THIS:

“I would like to spend some time just you and I tonight, without the kids. I would like to cuddle/spoon on the couch and watch Big Bang Theory and then maybe turn off the TV and just cuddle. How about you?” You clearly know if you have done the above. You have taken the initiative of knowing your needs, communicating them directly and not demanding that they get met. You are open to your partner’s influence and negotiating a different outcome if that is preferable.

“I would really like to connect with you” is not a clear expectation. We cannot easily measure whether “connection” happened or not. “Let’s spend some time together.” One partner often thinks they meet the other’s need and did not. Let’s try again.

Frustrated needs are the usual cause for a fight/disagreement and hurt feelings.

Here are commonly stated needs

I would like:

1. To Emotionally Connect (This is not nearly specific enough. I have spent countless hours with guys helping them understand how to meet this need for their spouse. Please be specific.)
2. Alone time (How much space and time is enough? “If you won’t leave me alone, I will find someone who will” is the refrain of a country song, I am told.)
3. To cuddle (How long? All night, an hour, five minutes? Where? Which type of cuddle? Cuddle, leading to intimacy or not?)
4. To be physically intimate (Not specific enough for some people. You have the right to ask for what you want. Please be specific.)

To watch TV with you, sitting on the couch, without reading your FaceBook during the show (Yes, that darn smartphone takes attention away from your partner. Being physically present in the same building is not the same thing as “connecting.” The time does not even count as together time for most couples.)

PS Don't wait for next Valentine's Day to try this

Whatever you do, do not be romantic.

Do things that show her that you love her, that you have thought of her, have considered what she likes and does not like.

Do things that demonstrate you "get" her and are willing to follow her love language.

Listen to her.

Tell her or write to her what you appreciate about her, what you would miss if she were not in your life.

Be nice to her.

Consider doing a favor for her.

Consider finishing that project you started. Help around the house without being asked. Get a babysitter for your next date.

Let her influence you on something you both deem important.

Buy her a nice outfit and take her out, showing her off, being proud that she is with you.

Kiss her and rub her back without expecting further intimacy (no strings attached).

But please do not be romantic!