​Preparing Yourself For Divorce Mediation
My suggestion is that you review your expectations for divorce mediation to make sure they are conscious, reasonable and realistic.

Sometimes we have expectations we didn’t even realize we had.

For example, someone said after the meeting, “I realized I wanted you to agree with me, not my partner. I wanted my partner to recognize how right I was and then apologize to me. Can you believe I expected that?”  and there’s this:
“I was listening to persuade and convince my partner, not to understand him. I wanted reconciliation and to be back in the relationship. Instead, I got a different kind of closure. It surprised me and hurt worse than I thought it would.”

How?
People prepare differently. Make sure you prepare the best way for your particular style. My style is to read as many books as possible until I feel comfortable making a decision. I’ll read articles and delve deeply into it. I put myself emotionally into a situation via visualization, as well. Then, when I experience the situation, it is as if I can be more present. I don’t have to overthink, I can just be. Everyone does it differently.

Prepare yourself emotionally for mediation. It has some similarities to counseling except the goal is different. You are not trying to work things out to get back together, in mediation. You are preparing for your new life, new ways of relating to one another.

The forum of mediation helps you have a level playing field. If you had a hard time communicating, the mediator will help you move toward the mutually described goal- usually with the children’s best interests as the guiding light.
By this time, many people are “done” with their partner.

Emotionally exhausted, seeing the light at the tunnel, they let down… Some people stop fighting and just want to be done, just want to walk away and not have to deal with the other person. The danger in doing this is emotional reasoning, the giving up and not making great decisions. The decisions you make now are going to affect you for a long time. Give them the time they warrant. Don’t walk away from large amounts of money or things without really considering it. Five months from now and five years from now, you will look at the situation very differently than you look at it now.

Maybe bounce it off a trusted friend who has the benefit of emotional distance from your situation. Make sure your lawyer thoroughly reviews what you have agreed to in mediation, in order to make sure you are not giving away too much.

These meetings can be emotional. Tissues, crying, bargaining are common. Often the ambivalence comes back at the beginning. Almost no one wants a divorce. They wanted a happy marriage, more appreciation and satisfaction, but not a divorce. They are painful, messy and affect everyone involved.

No one wants to be married and trapped in a situation that is awful, either.

Prepare yourself for second guessing your decision. Your friends and family might be second guessing you.

Prepare yourself for guilt about hurting your children by separating, hurting your spouse, for not being able to see your children as often as you do now.

Prepare for possible anger at your spouse “for doing this to me.”  Letting go is one of the hardest things on the planet. You got this. You can do this.

Emotional self-care is vital right now. Many people struggle with sleep, losing weight and depression at this stage.

Please exercise, eat right, socialize with people who love you, get counseling and talk to yourself with love and respect. How balanced is your life- social, emotional, physical, spiritual, work, hobbies, family, mental etc.

Think about preparing for a marathon and then double the distance- that is what this process can be like. It is a slow, long process, this separation and divorce thing. You must take care of yourself if you want to be successful.

Think about children’s needs for consistency. Consistent rules and expectations, bedtimes, routines etc…

Think about your needs. Unmet needs are likely what got you here.

Think about your needs because they matter to you and ultimately you want your needs met and you are modelling this for your children. Ask for your needs to be met, not at the expense of the needs of others.

You are going to talk quite a bit about what works best for all involved regarding the children and when they stay with you, how you drop them off etc.

Put yourself in your children’s shoes. They are likely going to forget homework, sports equipment, toys, books etc. at your ex’s place. They’re likely going to, at some point, wake up not remembering what day it is or whose house they’re in. Some kids talk about this and some avoid talking about it like the plague. Put yourself in their shoes- they had absolutely no say in this, yet they are affected by it. It feels unfair to many kids, as if their needs do not matter.

Think about what is best for them in terms of spending time with each parent, communicating with each parent. Talk to friends who have been through this and ask them to walk you through how it affected the kids and the adults.

What strategies did they use to cope with their own pain and the pain of their children?

What schedule would work best for your children?

What options do you have?

What have other people done that worked?
 
Money is the next thing to consider, to emotionally prepare. Fill out the “Statement of Net Worth” a fillable PDF. It is loaded with info you have to provide and starting the process now is helpful.

One of the best things you can do in this process is listen. Believe it or not, this is hard during the mediation process and if you can practice it here, it will help in the future with co-parenting decisions. If you want to learn more about listening on your own-Ury- listening YouTube
 
Thoughts that are not helpful during this process:
“She made me angry.”
“He made me sad.”
Reason: You giving away responsibility for your emotions.

Remember-you are responsible for how you feel. The other person may influence you. If you feel a certain way, it is your responsibility for getting to that feeling. It is also your responsibility for dealing with your feelings. If you are angry, it does not justify bad behavior on your part. It does not justify punishing your partner. If you are angry, chances are that your needs were not met. Your needs, like your feelings, are your responsibility. Meet as many needs as you can and ask others to help you meet the others.
 
“He won’t meet my needs.”
Reason: You can request that someone else meet your needs, but ultimately your needs are yours. If your needs were not met, do something different to meet them, rather than blame someone else for not meeting your needs.
 
“She did that because …”
Reason: As soon as you start assuming something or guessing someone else’s motivation, you are on shaky ground, unless you are psychic. You probably knew I was going to say that. If you have a guess, take full responsibility for your communication, “My guess is that you did that because…” and then ask the person if you are correct in your assumption. That way you are owning it as a guess and calibrating your ability to mind read.

Being with your children
Let your interests, your purpose, your vision of being co-parents for the benefit of your children guide you.

This helps you create a new solution or choose a good option. Think of what needs your children have in this whole process and how out of the loop they were.

The divorce decisions are often made without their input at all.

Their needs do supersede yours. That said, your needs matter, as do the needs of your ex.
In co-parenting decisions, we take into account the needs of the children, parent 1 and parent 2. Ideally, we look for a solution that is win-win-win. Make your decision with the highest good of all as your goal. This is the best possible win-win (google “Nash Equilibrium” for more info on this concept).

If someone “loses” it affects everyone in this long-term relationship. Invest the time in negotiating to get the best possible long term co-parenting relationship. Above all, avoid the win-lose mentality.

Consider a transition time with the kids. They will usually resist going with the other parent. This does not mean they hate that parent or that anything bad is happening. Does not mean the parent is poisoning the children’s mind or turning them against you. Transition time in some families is going out to eat. “Every time I pick you up from mom’s place, we will have a sit down dinner together at a local diner. We will reacquaint ourselves and have no TV distractions. It is just time to catch back up. By the time we get back home, people are feeling okay.” “We never used to have transition time and when the kids got to my place, they were like animals. Their emotions were out of control, they were acting out and my patience ran thin within minutes. I knew they were testing their limits and my limits. I knew they were suffering and just needed reassurance and connection. Once I was able to listen for their needs, I was able to reduce the chaos immediately.”

1. Discipline is consistent between the two houses. We predict what ways they will break rules and why and work with them to meet their needs. Breaking rules just means they used a strategy that was unsuccessful in meeting their needs. We have similar expectations to limit their confusion. Kids benefit most from consistency of philosophy and carrying through. One parent is almost always harder and the other is almost always, by definition, softer. Kids will test boundaries more, making life a challenge, if you are not consistent. They thrive on consistency.

Why Choose Mediation?
Mediation is a businesslike, future-oriented, sensible and thoughtful way to settle disputes. It is all about having a good process, a system that has worked for thousands of people each year.

Mediation almost always hurts less, takes less time, focuses on the best interests of the children, increases the odds of getting along when the dust settles, and it tends to cost less, as well.

With a mediator, you are both in the same room, using one person who helps you communicate respectfully. You both work toward a solution and can use outside resources, as needed. You tend to do better when you realize you can achieve solutions together, even when feelings come up.
 
Less Expensive:

• Since the process takes less time, it is cheaper.
• Since you are using one person instead of two, it is cheaper.
• Since you are encouraged to work together for the benefit of your children, it is cheaper and less antagonistic, and you retain control of the outcome.
• $250 per couple per hour, not $250 per person per hour

 
How do I protect myself?
At the end of this process, you have the opportunity to have an attorney review your agreement, should you have any misgivings whatsoever. Come back to mediation, if needed.

At any time, you may consult with an expert – tax, legal or other and bring that information to the table for discussion.

When both parties agree, the agreement then gets sent to the judge who reviews it and you get notified when you are divorced.
 
Let’s be honest and direct with each other:
It is difficult if you separate and divorce; it is likewise difficult to stay together.

It is painful to take it to court and it is painful to do it yourself. Each option has a tradeoff- a benefit and a drawback.

Mediation tends to be the cheapest, least acrimonious option.

Mediation is a competent, protected process where parties are still protected legally.

From: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/divorce-mediation-basics-36180.html
 
Mediation is a multi-stage process designed to get results.

It is less formal than a trial or arbitration, but there are distinct stages to the mediation process.

Mediation is one of the most frequently used methods of negotiating a divorce settlement. In divorce mediation, you and your spouse -- or, in some cases, the two of you and your respective lawyers -- hire a neutral third party, called a mediator, to meet with you in an effort to discuss and resolve the issues in your divorce.

The mediator doesn't make decisions for you, but serves as a facilitator to help you and your spouse figure out what's best

The couple communicates to each other, in the same room, instead of through an attorney, increasing the likelihood of clear communication and a better relationship after the divorce. The role of the mediator is to guide the process and ensure an even playing field, which greatly reduces stress.

​Topics covered in a Divorce Mediation- Separation/Divorce Agreement: parenting responsibilities, time and money arrangements, tax concerns, property, retirement money, budgeting

​Retirement and Divorce
In my office, I have a mini legal library- books to help you look at your situation, see what self-help options exist and then you decide whether to use an expert or do it yourself.
 
You can always have an expert come to the mediation session so that both of you hear the same info at the same time.
 
Often, people simply do not have the basic knowledge to do this on their own and it can quickly get complicated.
 
Your mediator will help you have the discussion about it, will likely have more information than you have, but they are not a “retirement expert.”
 
This area is simply too important to let feelings get in the way. I have heard people say that they are just walking away from retirement because they want to be done with their ex. While I understand the emotions, I also caution you. In a few years, that money you gave up might come in handy. When you realize their pension was worth over a million dollars and you might not be able to retire… my guess is that you will have second thoughts and not be able to do anything about it.

​
In going through separation and divorce, co-parenting and mediation, there are some very straightforward things you can do to improve communication. Try these:

Listener Job Description

• Listen to what the Talker is saying. Pretend you are a tape recorder. Ideally they are talking about a vulnerable feeling and you are making it safe for them to connect with you.
• Listen without judgment, rebuttal or any other editorial comment.
• Contain your emotions, this is not about you right now, it is about the Talker.
• If the Talker is being destructive or if you simply cannot listen, ask for a short time out. The person calling the time out assumes responsibility for re-engaging the conversation within 24 hours.
• Paraphrase what you heard them say, being as objective as possible. Do not put your spin on what they are saying- you are only trying to understand their perspective.
• Ask them, “Is that accurate or close? Do you think I got it?”
• If you have really understood them, and they agree- Ask them, “Is there more?”
• If there is more, keep listening.
• If they are saying something that is hard to hear, or they are really loud or if the manner in which they are saying it is objectionable (they are being mean/overly critical) you have the right to ask for a time out or to ask for what you need. For example, “It is really hard for me to hear you when your voice is that loud. Could you please lower your voice?” or “I struggle listening to you when I feel attacked or when I think you are mad at me. Can you get your point across differently?”
• Attempt to validate them after you have clarified. That means allowing them to have a different opinion (point of view or perspective ) than you have, acknowledging their perspective has merit and that you can see where they are coming from. This defuses many, many disagreements.

Talker
Job Description:

• As the talker, your job is to make sure you speak in short sentences and ask the listener to clarify what you said.
• After about 4 sentences, many listeners will tune you out. Stop and let them clarify what you said.
• If you want to be understood, speak in a manner that they can hear you.
• Speak respectfully.
• Try to keep to one and only one topic.
• No name calling, and avoid blame. This is not time to complain or punish them or show them their faults/criticize.
• It is time to connect.
• Tell them what you need from them.
• Avoid telling them what they need to change.

·       Tell them your perspective and label it as your own perspective, realizing that there are multiple perspectives that are acceptable and valid in almost every situation. If you struggle with this concept, all your communication will be difficult.
·       Do not attempt to convince them that your way is right and theirs is wrong.

Triggers
​
Name it. What is the trigger? What triggered you and what did it trigger you to say to yourself? Where did you feel it in your body? What did you do when you felt the pain?


Let it go Meditation- can you acknowledge it and release it?

Can you Tap the EFT points? (YouTube has a few million videos about EFT tapping)

Reconciliation of thought- how do I reconcile this thought with what happened?

Disputed thought- is this true? It is an automatic thought, which does not mean it is real.

Radical acceptance- maybe the strategy is to simply go with, “It is what it is.”

Avoid it- there are some triggers that can be avoided without making them stronger.

Bilateral stim- use the thinking and the feeling parts of your brain by tapping alternately on the left and right sides of your body

Predicting relapse- anticipate, predict and prepare for it

Reassure- what could you say to yourself to reassure yourself about this issue?

​When you are triggered, you are temporarily unable to process well. Try the above and share with friends...

Trigger
Ever find yourself triggered by what someone said? All of the sudden, in the middle of a decent conversation, something they said hit you the wrong way… It brought you back to something that happened years or months ago that was painful. It was not conscious or intentional and you found yourself struggling to stay in the present moment…

Usually, when this happens, the person has no idea that what they said hit a nerve. Some people talk about them as landmines and mine fields.

Someone rings your doorbell, pushes the button and it registers as “ding dong.” If you remove one of the wires, the next time they press your button, it doesn’t make a sound. You would prefer they not push your buttons and yet you now have freedom from a response.

A trigger is a conditioned response. It is not logical or rational or present based. You can condition a different response if you are conscious of your trigger.

The next time you find yourself out of control or having a reaction that is too strong for the situation, consider whether you’ve been triggered. Look at the over reaction and what got triggered. What did this current situation remind you of from your past? What would it take for you to heal this, now that you are aware that you are still hurting from your past?

Play it through in your head:
Do I need to take this personally?
Does it matter?
Is my perspective the only perspective available to me?
Who cares?
Can I get some distance from this?
What would it take for me to soothe myself, calm myself right now?
Do I have a chip on my shoulder about this?
What would it take for me to reassure, or validate, myself?
 
A common trigger for people is when someone they love is angry at them. That is hard to tolerate because in the past when someone was angry with me….. (fill in the thought).

Now, play it through in your head a few times without you reacting strongly. Train your brain to respond rather than over react to this stimulus. Condition your brain to take it at face value rather than read into it or take it personally.

Repeat this a few times until it no longer has an emotional component. Be free of this trigger, take the wire off the button, remove the landmine from the minefield…

​What thoughts do you have?

Tomorrow starts the annual conference for Divorce Mediation in NY.

I really appreciate all that people have done to prepare for it and I like telling people about mediation. If you know anyone who has gone through divorce, it is really a painful process.

Mediation is the least painful option to manage the situation. It takes into account the feelings of the participants and makes more likely a good parenting situation post-divorce. I am biased because I have seen couples who get chewed up and spit out by the court system.

I know lawyers and judges dislike how awful litigation is.

​Most couples don't have enough money to make it to court and the ones who make it to court regret going to court. It's just ugly.

Why not get a Divorce, avoid a ton of unnecessary pain in the process and save money by doing it. That's why I am doing so much training and reading and helping to make people aware of mediation.

​Do I want you to know the real me?

The inner struggle is between getting to know me, me getting to know myself, and what do I project into the outside world? 

Do I exile parts of myself that I do not like? For example, imagine as a young child she felt very vulnerable. Someone told her that she was too needy. That probably happens in peoples’ lives more than once. By the third time that someone said that she was too needy, she made the decision to not have needs. 

At that point in her life, not having needs seemed like a good idea. When someone judges her for who she really is, she learns that who she is is not acceptable. 

So she exiles a part of her that has needs. She learns not to rely on other people. She learns to not ask for her needs to be met. 

Later in life, when she decides that she should ask to get her needs met, someone chooses not to meet those needs or tells her that she’s too needy again. 

It reaffirms that she should not have needs. Now someone says, “be vulnerable with me. You can share your needs with me. “

There is no way that she’s going to trust that. She has learned to have a tough exterior, to be a tough person, to show her tough side, not her warm and fuzzy side or vulnerability. 

That is a part of her that is acceptable and that people like, she has been telling herself.

That’s what she’s going to show the world. She’s not gonna show the soft, warm and tender side of herself. She might show glimpses of it. But it frightens her and makes her think that she will be rejected or taken advantage of. 

Why would she willingly show somebody a part of her that would create rejection?

​“I want you to know me and I want to know you”

Everyone says the above. Everyone would like to believe that they mean it and it’s accurate. 

Imagine that your significant other is psychic. Do you want them to know you all of you, all your thoughts, inside and out? Literally , all of you? Or does intimidate you a little bit?

Can we tone down the statement or make it more accurate or use a dimmer switch? “I want you to know the parts of me that I want you to know. “

That would probably be a more accurate statement.

“ I want you to know me the parts that I like about me and I want you to like the parts that I like. I don’t want you to know if the parts of me that I do not like. I do not like them and I judge myself harshly. My guess is that you’ll judge me harshly for the same things that I judge myself harshly about. Therefore I would like you to know me and I would like you to know those bad things at a later date, and still love me. “

“The thought of you knowing that now is overwhelming. When you know me, well enough, then you can know the bad side of me. I feel comfortable that my good sides will outweigh the bad. Just not yet. “

So really, do I want to know me? 
That is the better question. 

Can I accept all of me? 
Can I be OK with you liking me even when I have these bad sides?
Can I like myself if I am not perfect? 
Will I allow you to love me if I am imperfect? Do I need to hide who I am and in order for you to like me? 
Do I need to hide who I am, from my own self, in order to like myself?

​Any thoughts?

Can we acknowledge that there is something concerning happening in the divorce mediation field? Can we also agree that there is enough work for all mediators if we all do our part to grow the pie?

Whoever it is that is pitting mediators against one another, please stop doing that.

Stop pretending that there is one right way to do mediation or one correct degree or philosophy.

It hurts our field, confuses our clients, our sources of referral and creates unnecessary conflict, which has a degree of irony.

There is a way to market yourself and your background ethically and I encourage differentiating yourself as part of that strategy. Prospective clients should know the pros of your background and your particular bias.

For example, when I market my services, I highlight my many years working with couples going through conflict without resorting to hostility, struggling with the question of divorce and how to tell the children. I highlight my ability to be impartial and show empathy.

​Any thoughts?