​Imagine asking your partner for something you consider reasonable. They tell you they will do their best and cannot seem to do it. You realize it will never happen the way you want and you have to decide whether or not it is a deal breaker. They try to talk you into staying, saying they will change. After all, they just told you they were all in. Deep inside, you don’t believe they will but you don’t want to be alone or you think they have so many redeeming qualities that it is worth it to overlook.
 
A month passes and that simple thing grows into a deal breaker. The “all in” was what they wanted to do, not what they actually did. You know it is not going to change and you don’t want to be a complainer, harping on things that cannot change. What do you do?
 
If it is a deal breaker, you break the deal. It really is that straightforward. Stop overthinking it, please.
 
If it is not a deal breaker, you get yourself together and focus on things that put you in a good mood. When you are in a good mood, you have more emotional resources at your disposal and, you’re in a good mood! Oh, and when you’re in a good mood, have you noticed that the mood of others around you seems to be impacted? Not sure there’s a downside to focusing on the positive, after you’ve acknowledged the negative or neutral and realized what is in your control.

“I know I need time to debrief myself after a hellish day at work. I’m an introvert, but you ask me to rush home to be with you. I want to be with you and cuddle and talk. I rush home to be with you and you are exhausted by the time I get there (20 minutes). I was disappointed that I didn’t get what I needed and you got what you needed (me home) and I want you to have my back when you say to rush home to you."
 
If you had to guess, the next time she asks him to sacrifice his needs for hers, what is going to go through his mind?
 
Will he sell himself out repeatedly and over accommodate or will he make sure his needs are met?

Go ahead and have the courage to address the situation.
Practice being brave and saying what you need to say in a good way.

To get even more from it, try this from Ken Cloke, “Clarify and reinforce what was learned from the conflict, and use it to improve and evolve to higher levels of conflict and resolution.  Move the conversation toward forgiveness and reconciliation.” 

What you are looking for is a change, a need to be met. How you ask for it is important. Would you be willing to...is a great way to start that conversation, asking for what you need.

​Here’s another one I hear quite a bit, in my words to protect the speaker,
“I get that life happens and it is also true that there is a penalty imposed for getting close to you. I am wary of getting close to you because you don’t seem to like it. You talk about how much you’re looking forward to seeing me at night and cuddling etc.
 
You repeat that you can’t wait -a couple times (which I understand to mean something different than you mean). Those words have begun to push me away because I have associated them with what invariably happens next. Nothing. You seem bored that I am there. You barely talk to me and you interrupt when I talk. What exactly were you looking forward to? I got my hopes up that we could have a good conversation, kiss, cuddle etc and it is frustrating to not be able to trust that what you say is going to happen, will happen. I’d like to talk about our cycle of doing this.”
 
Please ask yourself, do your words and actions match?
When you say something, do you follow through?
If you change your mind about what you said or promised, how do you communicate that to your partner?
If you are now tired, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, how do you let them know?
 
Along those lines, people are always asking about the dating world and how it works. First, keep your word. If people find out that your word is not good, the rest is not going to help.
​
Two keys to dating are agreeableness and conscientiousness.
Are you aggressive or agreeable?
Are you conscientious and considerate of the other person, anticipating needs they will have and tuned in or is it too much to ask?
Are you so busy with what is going on in your world, that you have become self-absorbed and have no time for your loved one?

​Here’s another one I hear quite a bit, in my words to protect the speaker,
“I get that life happens and it is also true that there is a penalty imposed for getting close to you. I am wary of getting close to you because you don’t seem to like it. You talk about how much you’re looking forward to seeing me at night and cuddling etc.
 
You repeat that you can’t wait a couple times (which I understand to mean something different than you mean). Those words have begun to push me away because I have associated them with what invariably happens next. Nothing. You seem bored that I am there. You barely talk to me and you interrupt when I talk. What exactly were you looking forward to? I got my hopes up that we could have a good conversation, kiss, cuddle etc and it is frustrating to not be able to trust that what you say is going to happen, will happen. I’d like to talk about our cycle of doing this.”
 
Please ask yourself, do your words and actions match?
When you say something, do you follow through?
If you change your mind about what you said or promised, how do you communicate that to your partner?
If you are now tired, but it seemed like a good idea at the time, how do you let them know?
 
Two keys to dating are agreeableness and conscientiousness.
Are you aggressive or agreeable?
Are you conscientious and considerate of the other person, anticipating needs they will have and tuned in or is it too much to ask?
Are you so busy with what is going on in your world, that you have become self absorbed and have no time for your loved one?

“I want real connection to sustain me and my girlfriend says she wants that but... not really because she doesn’t follow through.”
 
There are many reasons someone might not follow through, so think through how you would ask about following through…
 

1. “I was really hoping we could connect tonight. Are you interested?”
2. “You didn’t answer when I asked and I wonder what you would like me to interpret from that”
3. “I didn’t hear back from you after I reached out and that landed badly. What did you intend for me to hear from that?”
4. Other

 
What’s it like for you when you don’t feel connected?
 
Ever feel rejected or abandoned?
Ever reject the other person before they reject you?
Ever abandon yourself, but blame it on your partner?
Ever push them away and wonder why they went away?
Do you feel emotionally disengaged or lonely? What do you do with that?
 
Gottman talks about bidding for connection. When you reach for your partner, do they accept your bid and turn toward you? Do they turn away when you try to connect? Do they turn against you and get angry when you ask to connect? Successful couples have a high percentage of connection and therefore bids. Some couples do not recognize bids without the bids being very direct.

​Having the skills to deal with this is in part having the courage to ask the tough questions. Emotional intelligence is necessary in reading the situation, as well.

​“I want to be in a romantic relationship and know my partner well. I want her to talk with me and get to know me. I want her to want to talk and listen and grow together.”
 
She replies that she is fine as it is.
 
Any predictions for what might happen next?
 
If they don’t clarify, can you spot at least one possible way to misunderstand what was said?

I just love this author and speaker-  He has an idea for how to proceed (6 of the 10)
From Kenneth Cloke’s “Ten Paths to Transcendence”
1. Engage in committed, open-hearted listening, as though your life depended on what you are about to hear.
2. Use a spotlight of narrow, focused attention and a floodlight of broad, sweeping awareness to clarify what is taking place beneath the surface.
3. Use dangerous empathy to search for the center of the conflict within yourself, then ask questions to discover whether the same might be true for others.
4. Use dangerous honesty to communicate your deepest understanding.
5. Use your heart to locate a heart-space in the conversation, then open and expand it.
6. Craft a question that asks people to speak and listen directly from their hearts.

Your brain is so incredibly powerful. You can program your brain for success, if you know how. Try these suggestions, when you are relaxed, and pay attention to what happens.
​
Having a day where your gratitude is low?
"Notice every little thing that goes well today. When you walk out of my office- focus your attention on that. "
 
Having a conflict and need to be a better version of yourself for it to resolve?
"Have you ever had the experience of transformation, empathy, compassion? Call that to mind right now."
 
Feeling lonely or just low?
"Call to mind a time when you felt understood and felt loved, connect, cared for, helped, and felt understood , bounced back after a let down or negative emotion."

When you recall these, pay attention to what happens with your mood. We can enhance your mood by focusing your attention on certain things. This is one of the reasons why just complaining and not changing the focus, doesn't help your situation.

​Many couples have at least one partner who shoves emotions down. They learned to do emotions that way or maybe no one taught them, they picked it up from TV and the movies.
 
When people don’t share emotions, it is not like they go away, they just come out sideways.
They might not speak up or not do nice things or say nice things. Sometimes, they might not even want to talk to you.
 
Different people express their love, and receive their love, in different ways. It might be through a back rub or a foot rub. Or if they are hurt, they won’t tell you.
 
Not every partner is looking for deep conversation or even deep connection. You might be desperately attempting to connect and they feel satisfied at the current level of connection. Talking about these differences is vital.
 
Some people prefer to have fun and skip the heavy conversation. For others, the deep conversation is the connection they long for. So “don’t take life too seriously, but have some depth to your conversations” might be one way to compromise on this.
 
Gottman talks about the bidding process. You are asking someone to acknowledge that you spoke, that you exist, that you are not invisible. When people acknowledge these bids, it feels good and increases the odds of staying in relationship.
 
What would you guess happens when someone has repeatedly attempted to connect and their partner doesn’t accept the attempts?