Do You Want to Be Successful?

​Channel your energy. When you wake up and you have too much energy, how do you manage or channel the extra? Have you ever felt anxious or even hyper? How did you channel that energy? That channeling really helps when it comes to tantra.

EX: Ask yourself the following, and answer honestly: Are you in control or are your desires? (When you find a higher good, you keep that.) That sounds like answering no is addiction, doesn’t it?
 
“One who is dominated by passion and sexual desire cannot aspire to great accomplishments in the relative world and is caught in the mire of nature’s Temptations and the pursuit of worldly pleasures -channel your sexual energy. The above leads to immaturity and weakness. We tenaciously and actively go after and hold onto whatever we perceive will bring the most pleasure and satisfaction -that’s why people don’t give up their vices. …it’s a very important secret-when the human mind discovers a higher form of satisfaction or happiness- it begins to leave the lower one behind, in favor of the higher one. ” Ashby
 
Tantra offers you a higher form of satisfaction with life and with sex. If you want to have a more satisfying experience, you will learn how to channel energy and make sure you are capable of generating sexual energy and excitement safely. 

​The Soul is Androgynous
 
Souls are not gendered, silly. Atoms have no gender, but they have the capacity to express gender depending on how they are arranged. What if we looked at ourselves as having everything within- male and female and give ourselves permission to just be who we are at any given time. Stop the focus on whether this is more masculine or feminine and “just be.” Less self focus and more caring and freedom, please.
 
“When consciousness tends toward femaleness or maleness there’s never peace because the soul is innately androgynous…most people do not even want to consider these questions : is there nothing more? what is the nature of human existence? is this all there is? When the desire for personal Satisfaction is foremost in a relationship, one’s own gratification is paramount. When there is selflessness in a relationship, there can be true caring, peace and freedom.” Ashby
 
Exercise: Can you think beyond your body? First you have to develop your body and your mind, the discipline required to transcend…
Have you gotten to the point of 10 kegels a day a couple to three times a day on a regular basis? This exercise will strengthen your pelvic floor, which helps during sex. Remember to keep breathing (no holding your breath) and no pushing with thighs, buttocks or even your stomach. If you dribble after urination or are sometimes incontinent, this can really help.

​“I Could Not Help Myself,” And Other Lies We Tell Ourselves
 
You always have a choice. Please take responsibility and avoid the victim role. It is not becoming. There is nature and nurture. You are not a slave to your impulses, you have choice. Tame your mind or it will be overpowered at times. Resist urges that you do not really want to follow. Otherwise you are giving in to your lower self.
 
When you have challenges in your life, are you able to stand up to the challenges and even if you get knocked down, can you get back up?
 
“A weak willed person is controlled by their ego, their desires, feelings and emotions rather than being in control of them and managing them …Nature has implanted an innate need to unite, to procreate. All things seek their mates in nature -it is in the polarity of males and females that the attractive force can be seen most prominently. For the person who has not understood this teaching, there’s no escaping the force of nature. Transcend your Impulses, expand your consciousness- that is the source of rich human spirituality, arts and social advancement of humanity. You must understand that sexual attraction is based on mental delusion due to the mind’s being overpowered by the desires of the body and ignorance of the greater truth…the force of passion compels us to want to search for ways to fulfill desires and the weakened mind which arises from living a life of distractions, due to giving way to emotions and feelings…human being incapable of resisting the urge is of the lower nature, the lower self and controls a human being.” Ashby
 
EX: Do you want to be at peace and stop searching and grasping so much?
Are you looking for your own satisfaction and instant gratification?
Do you want more than that? 

​Do You Really Understand the Purpose of Sex?
 
Are you someone who thinks for themselves and asks questions?
Are you someone who just believes, without independently verifying what people say?
 
EX: Consider a different view of sexuality and include complementarity within and between people. Each atom is asexual. Think about the implications of that. In tantra, we use everything to transcend and go beyond our limited understanding…
 
“Please understand the oneness of all- it is this understanding of the oneness of the androgynous nature which underlies male and female human bodies which is at the heart of Tantric philosophy. When this understanding is reached, and integrated in the human heart, it constitutes an expansion from limited consciousness based on a sexual understanding to an awareness of the non-duality, which is the ultimate reality. Sexuality exists as a practical reality of life.” Ashby
 
Go ahead and re read that. Seriously, that was profound.
 
“The practitioner of tantra discovers the asexuality of existence as well, thereby expanding in consciousness to encompass all sexuality and androgyny, duality and non-duality. The true identity of the human being is not sexual, not the body, mind, senses or anything which is in the realm of time and space because the realm of time and space is the realm of duality and illusion.” Ashby
 
Consider re-reading that, please. It was dense as fudge. I re read it line by line and took a few minutes between sentences so that my head would not explode.
 
If you would like your life to change, to be different, consider what you read and contemplate as a way to help you change.

​Balance Your Relationship With Socialization

Many men have one or two friends and may be put in a position in which they rely too much on their girlfriend or wife.

Exercise: Make friends and hang out with them as a couple and as an individual.

When the relationship is challenging and the only friend you have is her, it sucks! When she feels the burden of being your only friend, she wonders about your ability to keep a strong connection. Life is about connecting to others (strength), not isolating and work and TV/video games (weakness).

Make new friends wherever you go by being the person people want to hang out with- good stories, care about making them feel good etc. Be playful and not take yourself so darn seriously. Adventure is around every corner.

Are you open to the adventures life hands you? Demonstrate that! Initiate an adventure and be spontaneous.

Do you go for routine and systems and predictability?

Are you enjoying your life and welcoming her into it or do you not have a life and therefore rely on her to give you a life (weakness)? Do you sweep her off her feet and make her wonder? Does she feel good around you? Does she look forward to seeing you and do you look forward to seeing her? Are you just together because you don’t want to be alone? If that is true, deal with that by making more friends and by being a better friend to yourself.

​Challenge: Be spontaneous at least once a day this week.

​Who is In Control of You?
 
EXERCISE: Ask yourself -Are you in control of your desires?
How do you manage your emotions and your preferences and over attachments?
Are you giving away your power?
How can you be in control?
 
“The inability to control one’s desires and to see the world objectively is a factor of one’s dependency upon forms as sources a pleasure. The best way to control desire is your discipline, restraint in control of the sexual urge while at the same time getting insight into the nature of sexuality and nature of your true identity.” Ashby
 
EX: Consider your sexual preferences, likes and dislikes. They are not static and unchangeable. They are in your control.
 
“A person should ask -why is it a mom or sister, father or son is not seen with sexual arousal even if they are attractive? Sexuality is a mental concept and it can be unlearned or sublimated according to your will.” Ashby
 
Have you practiced taming your mind so that you return to power over your body instead of giving power away?

​I have a body; I am not my body
 
Have you developed yourself to the point that you realize you are not your body, that you have a body? Or are you over identifying with your physical body?
 
It is similar to saying, “I am angry,” instead of “I am experiencing anger.”
 
Who is this “I” ?
 
Relationships are there to help us grow, to move beyond the selfish or self absorbed existence. To transcend our body and to see ourselves more fully, with raw vulnerability.
 
“If you remember that, in reality, you are not a body, you’ll be able to rise above the pettiness of your own ego -you can rise above the pettiness of the mistakes of your partner -you’ll be able to forgive all… Learn from your mistake and discover that you were seeking something which you cannot find in an ordinary relationship…if you do not expand your horizons and let go of your ego desires, you will suffer the endless miseries of human existence.” Ashby
 
Our ego confuses us and tricks us into thinking we will be happy if (fill in the blank) as if it is some external development or circumstance. We create happiness or misery with our thinking, with our behavior. Imagine not having the limitations you think you have. Imagine a world in which your happiness was dependent on your thoughts. This is yours for the asking.
 
“At a deeper level there’s no need to forgive because you’ll see everything as yourself -as connected -you will grow beyond the relationship itself and live on a higher plane” Ashby

​What is Your Vision?
 
Set a goal for the relationship and make sure it is realistic. What is the highest good of this relationship for the other person and the couple? Think about unity and uniting with the divine as part of the goal.
 
“Stop running endlessly on the treadmill and going absolutely nowhere-do not expend your energy in the pursuit of pleasure and fulfillment when there’s no chance of getting it where you’re looking …can you let go of your ego and look for the higher purpose of relationship? Can you discipline yourself to live according to your higher ideal instead of the ideal of your ego and of your culture? “ Ashby
 
EXERCISE: Sit with this concept of uniting with the divine. What does it mean to you?
 
“Uniting with the divine represents the innermost desire of the soul in every human being -we also want to unite with nature” Ashby
 
Exercise: Talk about your job and your day without complaining, without criticizing or focusing just on yourself. No one bonds with a Debbie Downer. They may listen and give feedback or validation a few times, but it gets old fast. If your job or day is a problem, take the initiative and do something about it. This shows what you are about. Fail to take initiative and you are seen as weak!  They want someone with ambition and initiative, not someone who will be a project for them (if they are healthy).

Failure to talk about your day often signals that you are not interested in her, that you do not want to connect. Figure out how to talk about your day in a way that makes her feel connected emotionally (hint, talk about emotions), that has interesting stories.

Our work seems to have patterns or themes. What are two stories from this week that you can tell her about work and how you responded?
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Did those stories convey the qualities to her that you want to convey?

​What is the Point of Relationships?
 
I have heard many people say they are not meant for relationships, that they are just too complicated and they don’t get why people go through the pain.
 
What if relationships are simply tools for growth? What if being happy is the side effect of helping another person grow and growth is the actual point?
 
Are you helping your partner discover their true nature?
 
Are you forgiving them for being human?
 
Are you letting them be who they are?
 
“This is the true purpose of maleness and femaleness- to help the soul discover its true nature, which is beyond gender, through interactions and relationships of gender. Working to help each other grow toward enlightenment. Don’t scrutinize each other’s actions and accuse them of being egoistic -don’t deny your own misgivings and limitations. Make sure that you are understanding the other person and yourself and make sure that you forgive. Understand that your partner is a struggling soul who is, in reality, striving for the same goal as you –enlightenment” Ashby
 
Exercise: Take an inventory of what you do that demonstrates a fundamental understanding of who you are and what relationships are about. Look at your own side and attempt to improve rather than asking your partner to improve.
 
Exercise: Want to be happy in a relationship? Keep appreciating yourself and your partner. Keep looking for beauty and opportunities to serve others. These are keys to happiness and they are in your control.

​ Can you let them walk away when they need the space?
 
Don’t force things, allow them to take their course. Stop fighting what is and use the energy of allowing and watch how your own equanimity is affected. Don't be overly attached to the results.
 
“If you fight back (with your partner) at the time when the person is irrational and caught up in ego energy, it is more difficult to restore harmony. If there’s understanding- for example silence, giving space to the other person and you allow the energy to flow, instead of pushing, accusing recriminating-During times of anger, the reconciliation process is easier.” Ashby
 
As Americans, we tend to force things and push through, instead of allowing them to be what they are. Sometimes no action is the best option.
 
“The deeper aspiration of every human being is to discover inner peace and contentment -this is why people engage in relationships, pursue careers etc.” Ashby
 
What are you doing today that helps you with inner peace and contentment? Are you focusing on the external or the internal conflicts?