Levine and Heller

​Why is it so hard to leave?
Severing an attachment bond is excruciating, more painful than being mistreated by the partner for most people. 
 
You may understand rationally that you should leave, but your emotional brain might not yet be ready to make that move. 
 
The emotional circuits that make up our attachment system evolved to discourage us from being alone. 
 
The same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we break a leg are activated when we split with our mate. 
 
Our brain experiences the departure of this person in a similar way to that which it registers physical pain. Thought processes are also hijacked in the process. 
 
You get overwhelmed by positive memories of the few good times you had together, and you forget the multitude of bad experiences. 
 
When we break up with someone, our attachment system goes into overdrive, and we can think of nothing but getting back together with the loved one. 
 
The fact that one person can take away all our discomfort in a split second makes it very hard to resist the temptation to see them again. 
 
Just being in the same room is enough to entirely relieve the anxiety in a way that no other single friend or family member can. 
 
Many individuals find it hard to follow through on their wish to break up, even after they’ve tried more than once to do it.
 
People with anxious attachment take longer to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it takes. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there’s no chance that their partner will change - Will they be able to let go and deactivate.
 
You may have to remind yourself that the person is not able to change. You may have to stop concentrating on the occasional positive experiences you had.
 

1. Ask yourself what life is like for you in the inner circle of your previous partner. Am I treated like royalty or the enemy? 
2. build a support Netwerk ahead of time. Start to open up about what your relationship is really like -rekindle friendships
3. Find a comforting, supportive place to stay for the first few nights. You will need all the support that you can get. The temptation to rebound is very strong get people to help you resist the urge.
4. Get your attachment needs met in other ways. Plenty of exercise, diversions, like a massage, comforting, healthy food. Quiet down your attachment system so the painful separation will be less painful.
5. Don’t be ashamed if you slip up and go back to the scene of the crime. Obviously, you were not better off reestablishing contact with your ex, if you end up doing so, don’t beat yourself up. It is important that you be compassionate with yourself. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship you were in.
6. If you’re having a hard time, don’t feel guilty. Remember, the pain is real. The pain you’re feeling is real, so don’t deny it. Be kind to yourself and find ways to pamper your body and soul -just like he would if you had a broken leg. 
7. When you get flooded with positive memories, ask a close friend for reality check. Your attachment system is distorting your perspective on the relationship. Ask a friend to remind you how things really were. Even if you sometimes miss or idealize your acts, reality will slowly sink in. 
8. Deactivate: write down all the reasons you wanted to leave. Your objective here is to deactivate your attachment system. Recall the bad moments and the best way to keep them fresh is to write them down. When the invasive positive memories creep in- take a peek at the list.

Know that no matter how much pain you’re going through now, it will pass. Most people recover very well from a broken heart and eventually move on to greener pastures.

 Levine and Heller
 
Page 195 when abnormal becomes the norm: an attachment guide to breaking up
 
There seems to be a gravitational pull between anxious and avoidant individuals, and once they become attached, it is very hard for them to let go.
 
Side note: How people look at sex is different too. 
 
Being avoidant does not mean that they will cheat on their partner although studies have shown that they are more likely to do so than other attachment types.
 
They might put rules into place like no kissing in order to make sex feel less intimate. 
 
Often avoidant men and women had sex less with their partners than people with other attachment styles. They were more likely to engage in less sex if their partner had an anxious attachment style.
 
The anxious partner seems to want a great deal of physical closeness -which causes the avoidant partner to withdraw further. The anxious partner uses sex which has a sense of affirmation as a barometer of attractiveness in the eyes of their mate. 
 
The avoidant person is avoiding intimacy -by reducing sex to a bare minimum.
 
She was in the inner circle and got too close for his comfort. The closer she tried to get, the more he tried to push her away.

Levine
Attached
 
Knowing about the thought patterns that deny you the ability to get close to someone is only step one. 
 
The harder step requires you to start to identify instances in which you employ these attitudes and behaviors, and then you can embark on the voyage of change. 
 
Learn to identify your deactivating strategies:
 
When you tell yourself “she is not right for me”, stop yourself and think. 
Ask yourself “is this actually a deactivating strategy right now?”
 
Are the small imperfections you’re starting to notice really your attachment system’s way of making you step back? 
 
If you thought she was great to begin with, you do have a lot to lose by pushing her away.
 
Focus on mutual supports, and deemphasize self-reliance. 
 
When your partner feels she has a secure base to fall back on, and when you don’t feel the need to distance yourself, you can then look outward, and do your own thing. 
 
You’ll become more independent, and your partner will become less needy. 
 
(People whose basic needs are met aren’t desperately trying to get their needs met. They are therefore more independent. See the dependency paradox in chapter 2.)
 
Find a secure partner, not someone with an anxious attachment style who will exacerbate your avoidance in a vicious cycle -often perpetually. 
 
We recommend you choose the secure route. 
Why?
You will be less defensive. There will be less fighting and less anguish.
 
Be aware of your tendency to misinterpret behavior. 
 
Negative views of your partner’s behaviors and intentions infuse bad vibes into the relationship. 
 
Recognize this tendency, notice when it happens, look for a more plausible perspective. 
Maybe they do have your best interest at heart.
 
Make a relationship gratitude list. Remind yourself on a daily basis that you tend to think negatively of your partner. 
 
It is simply part of your makeup if you have an avoidant attachment style. 
 
Change your objective to notice the positive in your partner’s actions. Take time every day to think back on the events of the day. 
List at least one way your partner contributed, even in a minor way, to your well-being, and why you’re grateful they’re in your life.
 
Stop idealizing that one special ex. Stop and acknowledge that they never were a viable option and they’re not a viable option now. 
 
Remember how critical you were of that relationship with that ex and how leery you were of committing. 
 
Stop using them as a deactivating strategy -focus on someone new
 
Forget about “the one” -that is all a story you made up in your head. 
 
You have to be an active party in a process. 
Do not wait until “the one” (who fits your checklist) shows up, and then you expect everything to fall into place. 
 
You can make them into your soulmate by choosing them out of the crowd, allowing them to get close, and making them a special part of you.
 
Adopt the distraction strategy. 
It is easier to get close to your partner if there’s a distraction -focusing on other things like a hike, sailing, preparing a meal together -will let your guard down and make it easier to access loving feelings. 
 
(See chapter 8 for additional avoidance, busting tips.*)
 
*Securely attached people keep even emotions in the face of threats, and it comes effortlessly for someone who is secure. 
 
They simply are not as sensitive to the negative cues of the world.*
 
Sue Johnson  - the clinical work and writings that creating true security in the relationship and recognizing that you are emotionally dependent on your partner on every level is the best way to improve your romantic bond. 
 
Dr. Dan Siegel helps people become more secure. He teaches people with insecure attachment how to narrate their past history in a secure fashion.
I have enjoyed sharing with you a few of the ten books I recently read about attachment. I go in spurts with different topics that catch my interest. Every few years I read a little more on attachment and the same information lands differently depending on who I am working with and what is going on in my personal life, as well.

Feel free to use the information to buy some books and do a deeper dive, or have a better conversation about improving the relationship.

​

​Amir Levine
Attached
 
They score lowest on every measure of closeness and personal relationships. 
   Less willing to engage in self disclosure, 
   less comfortable with intimacy, 
   less likely to seek help from others. 
 
A strong belief in self reliance can be more of a burden than an asset. 
 
In romantic relationships, it reduces your ability to be close, 
  to share intimate information, 
   and to be in tune with your partner. 
 
Many avoidants confuse self-reliance with independence. 
 
It’s one thing to stand on your own 2 feet, it’s another thing to diminish the importance of getting support from other people, and we cut ourselves off from an important lifeline.
(Think about politics for a moment. That person who thinks everyone should just be able to be self sufficient, forgetting that we live in a society that is interdependent. )
 
Self-reliance forces you to ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your own needs, short-changing you of one of the most rewarding human experiences. 
 
It prevents you, and the person you love, from the joy of feeling part of something bigger than yourself.
 
Avoidants have a generally dismissive attitude toward being connected. 
When something occurs that contradicts this perspective, they are prone to ignoring it, or diminishing its value.
 
People with an avoidant attachment style don’t always translate the many verbal and nonverbal signals that they receive and can’t read the cues. They appear to lack empathy. 
 
You train yourself to not care about how the person closest to you is feeling. 
 
You figure that this is not your task; they need to take care of their own well-being.
 
Instead of looking out for one’s own needs, you can shift to a more secure mindset if you open up and allow yourself to see the needs of the people around you.
 
“The person that I’m with is the problem -everything is fine with me.”
 
It creates distance between me and my current partner and confuses them. 
 
It makes them think that you’re truly craving closeness -when in fact, you are driving it away.
 
Even though you’ll probably never get back together with your phantom ex, just the knowledge that they’re out there is enough to make any new partners seem insignificant by comparison.
 
Not wanting to look inward, while believing that we all have the same capacity for intimacy, you conclude that you’re just not “in love” enough and so you pull away. Again 
 
Your partner protests and feels hurt, which strengthens your conviction that she is not “the one.”
 
You believe that once you connect with “the one” you will effortlessly connect on a totally different level. No work is necessary; it will magically work out. 
 
The belief is - I can’t find happiness because of other people -when in reality it is me that is getting in the way. 
 
They rarely seek inside of themselves for the reason for the dissatisfaction, they more rarely seek help or even agree to get help when their partner suggests it (couples counseling).
 
Change is not likely to occur without a deeper experience of empathy and acceptance or looking within. 
 
Their life is about a life of struggle -involving the constant suppression of a powerful attachment system using the deactivating strategies that we talked about previously. (Suppression is actively and consciously pushing down the feelings. Repression is pushing down those feelings without realizing you’re doing it. )
 
It really is all about self-awareness, (but they’re gonna call it being “woke”.)

​Amir Levine
Attached
 
Avoidance chapter 
 
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you tend to be less happy and satisfied in your relationship. 
 
You do not have to be a slave to evolutionary forces. 
 
The style determines to a great extent what you expect in relationships, 
how you interpret romantic situations, 
and how you behave with your date or a partner. 
 
You are always maneuvering to keep people at a distance.
 
You see others as needy and dependent, and view those things as negative. 
You ignore your own needs and fears about relationship. 
 
You seemingly despise others for being needy and are yourselves immune to those needs. 
***Is that really the case though?
 
They seem to be free spirits, the studies show that they’re not as free as they would like to portray.*
 
The style does want to connect, but they always maintain some mental distance and perhaps an escape route. 
 
Feeling close and complete with someone else is a condition that they find difficult to maintain.
 
They are using “deactivating strategies” -any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy.
 
Imagine how much energy it takes to do a deactivating strategy. 
 
What are some common deactivating strategies? 
   Saying or thinking to oneself I am not ready to commit. But still staying together sometimes for years.
   Focusing on small imperfections in your partner, for example the way they talk, Dress, eat and allowing it to get in the way
   Flirting with other people, a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship
   Not saying, “I love you,” but still implying those feelings
   Pulling away when things are going well, not calling for several days after an intimate date.
  Forming relationships with an impossible future, someone who’s married
   Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you
   Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain the feeling of independence.
   Avoiding physical closeness, not wanting to have sex, walking ahead of your partner, not wanting to share the same bed.
   
 
Your mind is governed by overarching perceptions and beliefs about relationships that ensure a disconnect with your partner, and they get in the way of your happiness, -that’s what it means to have an avoidant attachment style. 
 
You’re blithely unaware of this unconstructive thought pattern.
 
For example, “you can only count on yourself. “
“Relationships who needs them? Why would I waste my time being with someone when I can only count on myself?”

​Wired for Love Tatkin
Chapter 8
 
Fighting well
 
Couples need to learn how to fight well – this means that you and your partner will be happier together, and your relationship will feel more secure. 
 
Fighting well actually strengthens your couple bubble. This is probably the most key to your survival as a couple.**
 
Wave the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, stay in the play zone, read your partner, don’t sweep anything under the table and fight smart.
 
Before you speak, be aware of your tone and volume of your voice. 
 
Understand where your partner is coming from and open the door to a friendly discussion about your respective points of view. 
 
Let your partner know that your love has not been lost in the scuffle. 
 
Use facial expressions that can soothe your partner’s distress. 
 
A smile can communicate more goodwill than words.
 
Help shift your partner away from threat into friendliness. 
 
Staying in the play zone -all mammals use rough and tumble play, especially when very young.
 
No one is a loser in play. The fight is not allowed to get ugly. 
 
There is a tone of playfulness and friendliness. 
 
You know when to retreat, and when to pursue, you know, when to take a time out, and that that is not a loss. 
 
You are in this relationship for the long-haul, you can keep your guard down, even while fighting -because you fight fair.
 
One of the key elements to fighting well is being able to reach your partner, to know in any given moment what year she is feeling, thinking, and intending. 
 
Look at their eyes and how moist they are, are they flinching, is there a smile, or curling of the lips? 
Are you looking at each other? 
Are you moving away from each other into a state of high alert by avoiding eye contact? 
Or you able to accurately read one another?
 
If the only available way to communicate is by text, please understand the importance of immediately sending a strong message of friendliness.
 
Your amygdala is not concerned with maintaining relationships. Just about staying alive. 
 
Amygdalae do not aim for a win-win. 
 
Your higher self says that we both have to feel good about this. I will be happy only if you were happy. We are in this together. We are OK, but what happened is not.
 
This expectation you have of your partner, where did this expectation come from? 
Is it from a previous relationship or have the two of you talked it through? Both agreed to do it?
 
Is your partner expressing self-interest under the guise of what should be good for the relationship?
Are you bullying and blaming?
 
Are you reading and looking for cues of happiness and unhappiness or are you dismissing, disregarding those cues?
 
Giving up is not allowed 
 
Let me be clear that smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. 
 
Engage without hesitation or avoidance, and be willing to relax your own position. 
 
You can go back-and-forth until the two of you come up with something that’s good for both of you. For example, Bayes rule, and Nash equilibrium are very helpful in this. Create something that provides mutual relief and satisfaction.