​I have a pet peeve with guesswork, based on my personal and professional experience. People tend to be poor mind readers, so we rely on direct and honest communication.
 
You can’t not communicate, even in silence. You are making a point, whether or not the person understands your point correctly. I loved this, ask the person “How would you like me to interpret your statement?” (Or behavior, for that matter) That takes away guesswork.
 
You take 6 hours to reply to a text when I know you are free and not doing anything. You are communicating something and it is unclear to me. Perhaps there is a reason that escapes me. I have an idea, but I have been wrong before when mind reading. I don’t want to overthink it and I want to read between the lines for those among us who are indirect.
 
There’s guesswork even when I attempt to clarify. At what point is there responsibility on your side to also communicate?
 
“Hey, I’d like to take you out for coffee.”
If it takes you two days to respond, then I don’t have any further interest in coffee or conversation.
 
Why?
You are telling me how you will communicate with me. You are giving me information and I can now make some choices with that information. I will check it out with you first and I will make sure I understand and then I have the option to keep playing this game or not.
 
If I am leading the conversation and doing the heavy lifting and you’re barely responding, what is in it for me? There’s no payoff that is worth it, in my experience.
 
Then you’re curious why I stepped back from communicating? Are you unsure, really?
 
Just put yourself in my shoes and remove the uncertainty. Don’t pretend that you are interested when your behavior is clear. Be honest and direct and when asked a direct question, don’t lie. It is hard to bounce back from the cynical perspective, when the person finds out it was a lie. It is hard not to apply that to the next person when the behavior is identical.
 
I ask a question and you don’t answer. It is your turn. I’m not texting again until you respond. You seem to be playing by a completely different set of rules and I don’t have the patience or willingness to learn the game you’re playing.
 
It is not worth it in my opinion. You have to be offering a ton in order to keep my attention. You want me to convince you to date me? I have seen that work twice in 31 years of counseling. That strategy has a low success rate and the amount of work is usually not worth what you get.
 
You have a ton to offer, you’re just not offering it.
 
Walk me through who is willing to do the amount of work necessary to reach you and why they do the work.

​Why are people excluding potential mates from different political parties?
 
The definition of “Moderate” has changed dramatically in recent years. The label actually confuses rather than helps. It appears to mean what “Far right” meant a few years back.
 
“Libertarians” don’t seem to acknowledge the views of its founders during a public health crisis. What does it mean to that person? The label was chosen for a reason, ask them.
 
“Fiscal conservative” used to mean something completely different and seems like code for something else that people don’t want to say out loud. When pressed about what it means to them across the board, it seems to mean that these expenses are fine but those ones aren’t, which are rarely aligned with the originators.
 
People call other people “communists” or “socialists” not using any definition that the people in those groups would recognize.
 
“Liberal” used to mean “left of center” on the political compass (internationally) and now people who call themselves liberal are more apt to want the status quo and corporate influence, which is not even on the left of the compass.
 
There are more, but you get the point. The words have ceased to help us.
 
We label because it is easier than describing, yet it confuses us all, as our definitions of said labels are not the same.
 
In dating, I hear:
 
“I want a partner, someone who always leads.”
Did you want a leader that you follow or do you want an equal partner? You do have to choose. Egalitarian or authoritarian or somewhere in between? What would that look like?
 
“I want a military guy, because he sacrifices, loves his country and will be able to protect me.” Is he able to both take directions in the military and when he comes out, able to critically think and question things? That is asking a lot!! I have rarely seen a man able to do that successfully.
 
Is he able to think flexibly and see possible options or just one way? How capable is he of seeing your point of view, in addition to his own? Did he figure out what to do with the anger that seems common with this type of guy?
The words seem to mean something different to him than to her. Do they talk about it and explore meaning? Then she is complaining about his lack of emotion, his anger problems and his drinking and lack of respect for her when they talk. There are tradeoffs for each person you select.
 
“I want to be connected to a strong stoic man.”
Did you want him to be emotionally strong and capable or emotionally unavailable? You do have to choose and those tend to be the extremes. Rare that someone has everything you are looking for.
 
“I want a man who respects women and supports me.”
Then you have to weed out the guys who don’t do that, after you define the word, “respect.”
 
Did you know there are over 140 ways you can either line up or mismatch your partner. A good marriage that lasts has about 30% alignment of those. So which ones do we prioritize, trade off and which ones are deal breakers?
 
Are you looking for a person who is healthy, emotionally, spiritually and physically or are you looking for someone who is unaware, unconscious and cannot live in the present moment? Somewhere in the middle? Do you know what you are looking for and how to find it?
 
These are choices and you have to decide. Your group, growing up, reinforces what is perceived as valuable and you may or may not have had the courage to challenge your assumptions.
 
Welcome to the great sorting process in dating.
 
We’re trying to figure out if we can have it all and where the trade offs are. We learn that for ourselves and then we refine our choices as we grow. That’s the healthy path…
 
Different people want different things, for different reasons. You may not recognize the patterns in communication that each political group favors. Or how each political group has a slightly different view of an ideal man and an ideal woman. You might only see conservative and liberal and make the assumption that people fit neatly into those two boxes. Or you might be someone who acknowledges the complexity and the implications and is curious enough to delve deeper.
 
Navigating those differences requires high levels of empathy and validation, without contempt. Frankly, most people don’t have the skills necessary to do it.
 
Additionally, it is hard work and requires mental flexibility and decent self esteem.
 
People also struggle with the nuance involved and it is easier to just say the other person is wrong because of the differences.
 
That cluster is a big reason people are not as successful dating outside their group.

You like me, want the best for yourself and your partner. I want you to feel wonderful that you stepped up and made it happen.
​
Go to my website www.boicecounseling.com and download the Sacred Sexuality Workbooks for a self-directed retreat. You can make it happen.

Who wouldn’t want their sex life to be amazing?

Remember a time in the future when you just achieved your goal. Go there. How does it feel, what sights are there and what sounds do you notice? Step into that version of you and experience that success first hand. Hear them clapping for you, maybe, yes it is a standing ovation for all your hard work and insights and the changes you will contribute to society. You see a big crowd wishing you well and proud of you. You feel confident, relieved, energized and excited to be there. Feel it.

Do you have the picture? Good

You have many good options available to you and right now your unconscious is working on ways to bring the best options to your awareness. You are open to new ideas, because anything is possible. The only limiting beliefs you have are able to change, so that whatever you want, is plausible and possible. You are in your personal power because you know that you are responsible for making the changes you want to make. You cause change and get results.

Remember, you have the ability to amend and adapt your communication style

Stop taking such good care of the old bad memories you have. You don’t have to save them or be gentle with them.

​It is okay if those memories get lost. Take that unwanted old picture from the past and put it off to the side. Let me know when you’ve done that by raising your right pointer finger…….. Good. Let the past be done.

​Making Changes
Here are some phrases from the field of NLP that you can use when you are considering changes. Each phrase is stand-alone:
 
You can make the changes now or when you are done with the class. Pay attention to what you are hearing and assuming on a deeper level. Listen to what you are saying, deeper. Only you can stop yourself from developing and making this a fantastic relationship. Who is going to stop me?

If you are finding yourself getting stuck, consider all the good options available to you. Ask your subconscious to give you more options.

What was it you did at that time in the past that compelled you such that you felt you had a problem?

I’d like you to now stop and do things differently.

Now, as you go out in time to the future and you look back into the past now, as you think of think of that old situation in the past now, how do you feel?

I know you are changing and change is good. If you decided to change now, then you’ll easily achieve your goals because you are an amazing human being

Remember a time when you have been successful. Go back to a time when you felt successful. Feel it and see it and hear the sounds of success.

Have you been able yet to see yourself as successful? You are successful, and you will be able to see the success, unless you see it now. Hear the words of success and feel the feeling of achieving your goal. See it from the perspective of a good friend of yours, too.

Imagine that you float down into your body after you achieve your goal and through your own eyes, see what you see, hear what you hear and feel what you feel. 

Here's to making the changes you know you need to make!

​Any good traits that you see in your partner, are likely personality characteristics that you see in yourself.

We perceive things and we project things.

We often will project our good qualities on to others and see our good qualities in them. That’s very common. Have you noticed that when you’re happier, everyone else seems happier to you? And when you’re in a bad mood other people seem to be in a bad mood as well. That’s not always 100% accurate, but there are some tendencies here towards projection.
 
We were taught in school that 70% of what someone says to you is their projection onto you.
 
With that means is that all the wonderful things that you see in the other person, are also in you. As you improve your relationship with yourself and see more beautiful and wonderful things in yourself, you’ll also see them and other people with more regularity.

Is that something that you value?
  

Intimacy is letting the person get to know you and knowing them.

​How couples deal with differences is incredibly important. Similarities are easy and our differences sometimes feel threatening or annoying instead of inspiring curiosity. "I am curious, why do you do it that way?"

Is one of you more touchy, caressing, and like to kiss? What do you do with this difference?
Is each person’s need respected?
 
Is one of you more likely to want to cuddle on the couch, or want to spoon?

New to the blog?
Go back through the past month or so and consider answering these questions with your partner. What is the downside of getting to know one another?

Let's keep looking at similarities and differences.

​Is one person more of a thinker and more analytical than the other person?
How does this affect each of you?
 
Which one of you tends to have more empathy?
How does that impact the relationship?

What do you need?
 
What is your level of considerateness?
Do you match each other well on the thoughtful scale?

​Are you both at the same level in terms of romance?
 
How does that impact how you get along?

After chores, sex and money, this is one of the biggest issues in couples counseling in my office:

Does one of you watch TV more than the other person does? On their phone more…
 
Is one person or an early bird or a night owl?

How do you accommodate the other person?
 
Is one of you more physically active in general?
 
Does one of you have more energy than the other person?

​Differences are not the problem. Differences make for opportunities to learn something new about oneself and their partner. You can expand your repertoire by having differences. Thinking the differences are bad is the problem. Thinking that the difference is pathological or wrong, because their style is different- that contempt is the problem.