A client of mine told me he binge watched John Wayne movies while he had covid. He understands that John Wayne is a fictional character. He realizes that John Wayne was invented to create a narrative about the “ideal man” who would be easier to exploit by business. He appears strong and independent and the business world wants people independent, because when people band together, it is harder to exploit them.

What does this have to do with marriage?

If the man in the  marriage grew up on John Wayne, he behaves a certain way. He idealizes independence. When his wife expects interdependence instead, he thinks she is devaluing men. He doesn’t realize that he was fed the John Wayne fictional character and that he bought it without thinking it through. He did not come up with that himself. It is not real and it is not healthy in a relationship. It definitely appeals to a certain swath of men, though.
It appeals to the person who wants to be independent and not share his power. Always in control (as if that is possible in reality) and rarely shows emotion (talk to women about emotional connection).

So, TV is often about creating reality. They created “the ideal man” who really is a stunted human and they offered him as a role model for how men should be. Then they wonder why men don’t continue growing. They think they have achieved the pinnacle of what it means to be a healthy man and see no reason to keep growing. Kinda pathetic what we do to each other in this society. Don’t get me started on Disney Princesses and what that teaches girls and young women about waiting for a prince to rescue them!

​Some people can see beyond the fictional character but some people just are not able to think it all the way through to the logical conclusion.

​Athletes and scholars could benefit from mental toughness.

If you want to skip the reading and go right into the exercises, someone took the effort and time to read the books, record the imagination exercises for free...

You might like this site- good sports psychology stuff for high school aged athletes- for free.
https://archive.org/details/@mental_toughness_guy

I just finished uploading a series of audios to www.archive.org  Search "Don Boice"

Highly recommend this one if you need a quick booster:
 https://archive.org/details/must-you-respond-poorly-to-bad-behavior-bad-communication-in-a-relationship


If you only have a few minutes, though, https://archive.org/details/empathy-meditation-and-how-to-do-feelings-for-couples

If you know someone who would benefit from listening, please feel free to share.
https://archive.org/details/empathy-compassion-forgiveness-gratitude-and-criticism-for-couples

https://archive.org/details/dfficult-emotions-gratitude-im-right-youre-wrong-you-do-it-too-taking-responsibility

https://archive.org/details/interrupting-hard-to-listen-talker-good-listening-couples

https://archive.org/details/prepare-for-the-negative-and-the-argument-so-that-you-are-ready-emotionally-cont

https://archive.org/details/communication-traps-direct-and-indirect-couples

​Flow
Consider that you want to go into flow and you would like to stay in flow as long as you can.

How do you increase the likelihood of quickly going into flow?
What can you do to stay there as long as possible?
Be practical with this- what would you like to accomplish?

Make sure that you have clear goals and that you are working toward those goals.

When you have good, clear feedback, it is easier to adapt and get back on track. Push yourself to the point that you expand your comfort zone. Challenge yourself but do not overwhelm yourself. Likewise, don’t make it so easy that anyone can do it.

I like to have a say in what I am doing and how I am doing it. I like to initiate and have full control over it (autonomy).

What makes you curious and how do you pursue that? That can lead to passion and purpose and then concentrate.

Laser focus to the point of being absorbed in it. Nothing else matters when you are absorbed. The above are what we call Internal Triggers.

​Want to get there? Motivate yourself or look for the ability to manipulate your environment- external triggers. Make sure there is risk involved and you increase your odds of going into flow. Physical risk will do it, for sure, but any risk can work. Social, emotional, financial etc all have consequences that will prime your system for flow. With that much on the line, you are challenged to be at your best. You pay more attention when there is something to lose as well as when it is new or novel. It stands out and challenges us to be more present and in our body than usual, as does complexity and unpredictability. “This is worth your attention and energy,” is the brain’s message. When you are challenged to be in your body, some people merge with their environment. “I am one with all.”

​He said to her, “I know I owe you. I am willing to do anything to save this marriage.”

She called him on his bluff. She had just read the book, “The Art of the Impossible.” She knew about the daily and weekly tasks necessary to accomplish the previously thought impossible. She would challenge him to put his money where his mouth is.
 
From that book, she said, "Okay, I need from you, every day- 90 to 120 minutes of uninterrupted concentration spend this time on your most important task of our marriage.  The one that will produce the biggest victory and leave you feeling like you won your day. While doing this, try to apply one strength you have, but apply it in a new way. While inside of this block, be sure to push yourself during that activity so you’re a little outside your comfort zone and always sitting inside the challenge -skills sweet spot (where you are pushing yourself but not creating the impossible). Challenging yourself repeatedly will help you stretch, not snap. Constantly pushing yourself and your skills will result in an astounding amount of grit and the habit of ferocity. Can’t seem to find 90-120 minutes a day? Think about when you were first courting her, wooing her. How much time did you spend daily and then it dropped off. Think about hearing that you could make the team or get the promotion if you spent a little more time each day practicing and honing your skills. We do what is important to us. We sacrifice. Maybe 120 minutes is not where you start, but 40 minutes daily. If you can’t find 40 minutes daily, I am going to predict it is something that you have chosen to not value. This is about sacrifice, embracing the uncomfortable, not doing the bare minimum. “I would do anything for us,” he had said. Do his words and his actions match?
 
5 minutes a day for daily gratitude practice. Preferably, think of something that will make you think about us differently. Are you grateful for me and our relationship? The kids? The life we have made or could make? Put yourself in a frame of mind where you appreciate “us.”
 
20 minutes for mindfulness. Pay attention to your five senses and be mindful of what you are doing. Really be present and look up a mindfulness meditation to practice and master. If you can be in the present, anxiety goes down and life satisfaction goes way up. People tend to enjoy being alive when they practice mindfulness.
 
25 minutes of reading. Do you want to learn how to do relationships better? Read books by qualified and knowledgeable authors who have done actual research. Try John Gottman and Susan Johnson. Books are the best way to go - aiming for is about 25 pages a day. If you have small kids or have a life that you have goofed up on with how you structured it, 5-10 pages a day is fine. Remember that this is a goal that is important to you.
 
Make sure you get 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night to put yourself in the best possible mood. Set it up for success.
 
 
 Every week 
One day or two a week, if you can, spend between 2 to 6 hours with your highest flow activity ( skiing, dancing, singing, whatever do what you really love to get yourself into flow). The more flow you get, the more flow you get. It helps you focus, feel better and become a better version of you.  Always push the challenge -skills sweet spot. Be creative, take risks, seek out novelty, complexity, unpredictability. If you don’t have 6 hours a week to do this, start with 2 hours. If you don’t honestly, honestly have 2 hours a week to dedicate to something that is a passion or increases life satisfaction by this much, please re evaluate how you have chosen to structure your life. Even if you don’t do it for the relationship, two hours a week to have joy in your life is the bare minimum and enjoy being here.
 
60 minutes, 3 times a week get regular exercise and push yourself during the sessions. exercise is a great way to cross train grit and reset the nervous system. 
Aim for exercises that are more cognitively challenging, not a treadmill,  instead run outdoors on a trail.
 
20 to 40 minutes 3 times a week -active recovery sauna, massage, mindfulness, light yoga and so on. 
 
30 to 60 minutes once a week train a weakness.    
Train “being your best at your worst” or practice taking risks. You know what you need improvement doing, start there.
 
30 to 60 minutes, one time a week get feedback on the work you’ve been doing during the 90 to 120 minute periods of uninterrupted concentration. Have a feedback buddy. 
 
 Social support
That’s  2 hours a week -make time for other people, especially if you’re an introvert. It helps keep us calm and happy and psychologically prepared to attack the challenge -skills Sweet spot. It gives us a place to practice our emotional intelligence skills. Most women in counseling talk about the fact that their man has very few friends and this makes them rely too much on the romantic relationship.
 
Practice taking safe risks and repeat.
 
Now get out your calendar/schedule and write them in. Figure out what you will actually do and plan on doing it. Putting it in your schedule helps you commit to doing it. If you cannot do the full effort, work your way toward it. If you feel overwhelmed, that is not the signal to give up, it tells you that you need to chunk it down. Break it down into smaller bite sized pieces.
 
Be honest with yourself.

Most people at this point are discouraged at the amount of work necessary to do something with excellence. Did they start from a position of mastery and wisdom or did they work their way there? Did they commit to it all at once or did they take on a few at a time and add from there? Did they have a road map and a game plan, which sets them up for success or did they wing it and hope it worked out?  
 
What impossible challenges would you tackle if you knew you could be 500% more productive? 
If you could be 600% more creative? 
If you could cut learning times in half? 
 
She really pushed him to do what he would do if he were in pursuit of excellence, something important to him, “What you choose to do with this information is entirely up to you. I have just given you a tried and true system to get fantastic results, if you want them. How important did you say this was? “
 
To end, she said, “Are you shooting for an A on the report card or are you looking at the bare minimum to not have me leave you?”

Sport psychology 
 
What percentage of performance is mental?
 
Than why aren’t we training that aspect?
 
Let’s spend 10-15 minutes a week talking about it. 
 
Improve it 3-5% for an elite athlete and you have success!!


How does this apply to your relationship?

What is the link between Addiction and Trauma?
 
How many people with a mental illness or addiction have trauma?

You’re not sure? Almost 100%.
 
Can you relate to having trauma in your life?

Did you blame yourself for bringing it on you?

Did someone help you heal?

​Not everyone gets help or healing from their trauma.
 
The punishment for being someone who was traumatized is being judged by society. Rather than help them through their trauma, their mental illness or addiction, we throw them away. We call them unworthy and undeserving instead of having compassion for someone who was traumatized.
 
We judge instead of helping. It is easier to judge than it is to help someone.
 
I can relate to that, can you?

They lied to you
That feeling when a stranger lies to you. It doesn’t feel good. They used you and didn’t care. You might even blame yourself for trusting them, not holding them accountable for the lie. They knew it was a lie and they did it anyway. What is wrong with people? That is not the right way to live.
 
It is different when a friend or family member lies or spreads information they know to be false. They spread inaccurate information when they had the internet available to them- literally more information than we’ve ever had before and they were too lazy to look it up? Or worse, they deliberately ignored it or just plain lied.
 
You expect better of your friends and family and it hurts more when you trusted them. They knew the truth and did not tell you the truth. Hard to trust them after that.It was not a mistake, they did it on purpose. Why?
 
Because it was good for them personally, or their organization, to lie to you. They abused your trust, yet again, by lying. That is why you don’t trust them. They are not looking out for you, or your highest good. They are only looking out for themselves, their selfish agenda. When you find out that you were used by them, your faith in them goes down. If they were dishonest, sneaky or shady in this, about what else are they lying to you?
 
When the leaders of your religion repeatedly lie to you, when they know the truth, or should know the truth, it is discouraging, disappointing, and dis-illusions you. They have a position of power, a duty to look out after you and they abused that power.
 
You should be able to trust the leaders of your religion. And you cannot, when you repeatedly catch them being inaccurate, being shady, twisting the truth to fit their narrative, their agenda. Did they use you? Did they take advantage of your lack of knowledge? Should they have known the facts on something of this magnitude? Are they being honest about their agenda or are they lying to achieve a holy goal? You realize that God would be against that approach, right?
 
There is a crisis of faith, because if they lied about this, to push their own agenda, they have undeniably proven that they cannot be trusted. They did not have to lie, but they were afraid that if they told the truth, you would not have done it their way. Get all the facts and learn what there is to be learned.
 
Stop trusting authority when authority keeps letting you down. Have your own back. Do your own research. Can you see the connection of this to your relationship?