I had two experiences this week that were disorienting for me.

Here’s what I heard and clarified, “ I want to throw grenades when I want to and I don’t want you to have feelings when I do that.” Then I asked if I heard them correctly and they brought me closer.

“I don’t want you to call me out on throwing grenades- just take it no questions asked. Stop telling me that you hurt when the grenades explode because it doesn’t feel good for me to hear that. I feel guilty and I don’t want to feel guilty when I do that stuff. Why can’t you just stay quiet when I do that?” When I reflected it back to the person, they said it sounded differently when they said it out loud than when it was in their head.

​Can you imagine the reaction of someone hearing this statement?

Try this:
“I feel guilty that I said something that hurt you. I was defensive and didn’t want to take responsibility for hurting you. I wanted to blame you and protect myself and then I realized that my needs were trumping your needs, in my head and I don’t like that. I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry my words hurt you. I am sorry I keep saying things that hurt you and I really am not trying to hurt you. I will work on this and check what I say and filter a little bit more. I am angry at you, but the way I say it can be really offensive and disrespectful. I have a right to tell you that I am angry, I do not have the right to abuse you.”

​They have been talking about the fact that they don’t read each other well. Her signals and his signals are not the same.

They tried this: What signals do I interpret as you care?

Clarifying- “it is never about the surface issue and I need you to keep going, follow up questions tell me you heard me well enough and we’re tuned in enough to dig deeper- you want to know me and about me and my thoughts -signal me that you really want to know me for real”

“I feel cared for when-We have back and forth conversations (instead of data dumping)”

“You tell me anything about you that is friend level or deeper- not something that everyone knows. We’re in a special relationship and I want to know you.”

Let’s just say that the above was heard by the listener as an attack. The conversation went south, until more clarification and validation. This took an hour. They decided to try this on their own:

-What signals do I read as you telling me that you don’t care?

“When you Interrupt me, especially if I am talking about something from the heart.”

“When you change the topic of conversation when I’m hurting and reaching out for emotional support.”

“When I talk and you listen without commenting/acknowledging or demonstrating that you heard me or saw me. I feel invisible sometimes.”

“When you fix me by offering me a solution that indicates you didn’t fully get my point”

“That Matter of fact style to things that aren’t matter of fact in my world- it keeps feeling dismissive to me. Like you’d rather not deal with me. That I am an inconvenience in your life.”

I am a big fan of continuing to talk about the communication style, is it working for all involved? Are there ways to improve it?

I work with people going through divorce, not just marriage counseling. Either way, couples or individuals can talk to Lou and create a strategy for their financial goals:

Lou Falvo provides financial planning services to individuals and families. The overall goal of financial planning is to integrate tax, insurance, and investment planning into a comprehensive plan that helps individuals and families alike strategically maximize their assets to reach their financial goals. He also specializes in divorce financial planning and offers creative options, financial analysis and strategies necessary to help you pursue the most financially advantageous settlement possible.
 
If you are interested:
 
Louis A. Falvo, CIMA®, CDFA®
CEO and Founder
Cross Roads Divorce Advisors, LLC
1159 Pittsford-Victor Road, Suite 140, Pittsford, NY 14534
(585) 542-2382 (Direct)

“You hear me say that there is something wrong and then, the next step -solve it? But if you “solve” it now, before you clarify, that meets your needs (make it go away) not mine. I am me, not you. Please, listen all the way through, then my preference would be to solve it together with my input.”
“Huh?”

“Well, otherwise, you not only don’t solve the actual problem, you’re signaling not listening, signaling not valuing working with me and you’re imposing your solution on me- from my perspective. That signals that you want the problem to go away, not that you want me to be comforted. Is that your intent?”
“No”

“Oftentimes your solution is distance and separation from you. Your first option is to say we should spend time apart. Is that what you need from me when you’re having a rough time? What inspires you to consistently offer that option first?”
crickets
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Do you get the sense that this conversation is going to end well?

Happy Thanksgiving
Imagine living a life of gratitude. Just saying thank you over and over changes your mood. It might not do more than that, but if your mood can improve, isn’t that worth it?

What if you really meant it, though? Focus your attention on what is good in your world and keep your focus there. Tell people what you appreciate about them. You feel better and people around you tend to appreciate being appreciated and being around someone in a good mood. What’s the downside? I don’t think there is one. Yes, the negative exists and you are aware of that. Don’t pretend the negative isn’t there. Acknowledge it and get on with your life. Can you shift the negative? If so, do so. Dwelling on the negative doesn’t help anything. If the problem can be fixed, fix it. Move on.

Christmas is around the corner and I keep hearing people wondering what they can buy for their loved ones. Why not a gift of service, tailored to that person. How well do you really know that person? Can you spend time with them and get to know them better, working on your connection, telling them what you appreciate about them?

Could you volunteer together at a homeless shelter? That benefits your relationship and the people you serve. Volunteering and serving makes us happier, so there’s that. Would you donate to their favorite charity? For example, “the gift of clean water” is an option from www.Heifer.org and it keeps on giving to the village. You feel better for improving the planet, the lives of people who have limited access to clean drinking water and you are sharing the merit of that action with your loved one.

How about working with them on a Habitat for Humanity house? Great charity, good time spent together helping others, being physically active and bonding…

Do you have any traditions in  your family that help you celebrate your appreciation and gratitude?

​Imagine going to a counselor before there’s a problem...to create a better future for you and your partner. .. to increase the odds of it working out successfully.
 
Personally, I would rather anticipate and then prevent a problem. It is easier, less painful and causes less stress than repair and recovery once you discover the problem. If you know yourself, you know what your issues are and you can make a good guess as to the fact that this particular issue is going to surface in your next relationship. What if you took care of it before it affected the relationship? What if you know what the issues will be in your relationship and you went as a couple to a couples counselor before the issues affected you, not to play clean up the mess.
 
Imagine in the first year of dating, regularly going to a counselor to improve your communication skills and stack the deck in your favor. The downside? Even if you break up, you walk away with valuable relationship/communication skills for use with a future partner.
 
Or think about this: Your relationship with yourself dictates how well your relationship with others is going to be. If you can improve your relationship with yourself, you create your future. If you can resolve issues, you are less likely to affect your future relationships.
 
Many people don’t choose counseling until the problem is almost insurmountable.
 
Imagine doing good self-care and self-love so that in the new relationship you’re able to love that other person more deeply and more fully. When you are self critical, you are more likely to be critical of others. When you are compassionate to yourself, you increase your odds of being compassionate to your partner. Imagine being as healthy as you can be!

Specific suggestions for your communication process:
How to have a better fight/argument: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AH9YvDiOz2o
Nonviolent communication is so powerful as a connector, please consider using it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBjKvvHEvlk
How to tell the children: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RW7mwsx1yI
How feelings work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBrUzXM64NU
Can you clarify to improve your communication: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ-FDA3jCOI
Validating your partner for effective communication: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8AiO1t7VEA
Getting your needs met: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KKgdneFrkQ
 
 Topics From Game Theory That Apply to Mediation:
Don’t get tricked into fighting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opmNL35zKio
Nash Equilibrium is the highest win-win: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl6Yb5Kd4bY
Bayes Rule for conflict: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4hmm0BYKjA
Don’t make it into win-lose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVLe1Z2lRgs
Process Standards- do we both have buy-in: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIhy_cUYcZg
 
Topic Areas Within Mediation
College Expenses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUgLxTqfynA
Equitable Distribution of Assets in mediation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQv_wR9EB9w
Child support concepts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgUUiuvysD4
The Parenting Plan (formerly called custody) and schedule: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-zEQCY9uHU
Talking about your ex: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ivbkVmjFec
Talking about money: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NhUtu7y798
Talking about taxes and implications during the process of divorce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt24Si1kMog
Ideas for your Budget during mediation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbOQpaCxJe4
Step kids and kids; how to have the conversations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwZG_ZOmYOw
Talking about the chores: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kg2xWRWofi0
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