State of the Union
Rationale: Gottman recommends every single week to ask- “What is going well and what is not going well. How can I love you better this week than last week?”
 
Why?
You clear the air repeatedly and regularly. Any fights or arguments or resentments are addressed quickly.
We underestimate the work necessary to have a healthy, enjoyable long term relationship. Taking inventory and confronting early and with love builds on your appreciation and fondness for your partner. You and they know they matter and can rely on each other to put this relationship first.
 
What types of things do couples talk about?
You are in a phase of a separate, distinct and new relationship- moving from family of origin to a relationship with this person. You are making sure you understand what they want and need and you are doing a feedback loop. I have included common areas for couples to review (at least monthly walk through these topics). Weekly, just ask what is going well and what is not.
 
Our needs (the we) outrank previous needs, previous relationships. “We comes before me.”
 
Imagine being put in the position that you must choose between mom and girlfriend/wife- don’t you dare put mom’s needs in front of hers.
 
That is a relationship killer.
 
The fact that you’re even questioning that is cause for concern.
 
Worth it and also true that it is a lot of work!
 
Sometimes we need more prompting because of blind spots or frequently overlooked topics. Please consider adding questions or topics or categories etc. The idea is to look through these at a glance to prompt discussion that we might not realize we are avoiding.
 
*Follow up weekly and monthly on things we have argued about or addressed:
Last week, we talked about this and I am wondering how we are doing this week?
“Please assume positive intent. I would not knowingly hurt you.”
“Please come to me quickly, directly and get my attention if you are hurt by something I did. Being silent hurts me if I don’t know why you are being silent.”
“Please consider the impact of that behavior on me.”
“Please tell me context of why you are doing what you are doing. I need transition time and I need time to understand what I am walking into.”
“Before taking a position, please consider asking if I am clarifying your statement. I will do the same when I notice it.”
“Talking about any other people when naked.”
“Feeling distance between us (and no time to talk about it in person).”
“What is getting in between us?”
“Making decisions together on things that affect both of us, starting the discussion from scratch.”
 
Would you be up for “Review these each month individually and determine if they need to be brought up in the weekly State of the Union”?
For each topic below, determine if you think it needs to the attention of State of the Union and if so, bring it up and initiate the discussion.
Arranging romantic dates
Planning of quiet evening at home
Planning the weekend
Planning a special meal
Keeping up general conversation
Planning a romantic evening
Initiating lovemaking
Planning dinner out
Financial planning
Talking about the relationship itself
Arranging get-togethers with friends
Talk about exercise and fitness needs
Arranging time with friends- only one of us
Arranging recreational outings
 
Doing “the work” in a relationship (Gottman) and ongoing assessment of it each month:
The magic 6 hours a week
Down regulating negative conflict (not escalating during it, but working actively to reduce our high emotions)
Keeping positive even during a conflict (5:1 ratio of good to bad)
Looking for ways to appreciate the partner
Cutting slack for each other
Talking about values and goals and staying in sync
I statements
Clarifying and validating
Stating needs instead of complaints
Negotiating our needs in a way that reinforces we are a team
Nurturing the emotional connection
Understanding one another’s point of view
During conflict, not using the four Horsemen
Talking about how to move from gridlock to dialogue when things cannot be solved
Starting softly instead of harshly
Accepting influence from each other
 
Repairing conflict during the conflict
Owning and accepting responsibility for the role each of us played in the conflict
Identifying what escalated the conflict
Compromising when it doesn’t involve core values
Keeping stress that is outside the relationship on the outside of the relationship not inside
Soothing myself and my partner during the conflict
Turning toward each other instead of away or against
Being able to work as a team or partnership, not adversaries or enemies
 
Building romance, passion, and good sex
Creating and maintaining rituals of connection
Talking about goals, narratives, and mission and seeing if they are shared or held in common
Remembering the positive and pointing it out
 
Talking about time together and time apart for introvert time
 
Planning the holidays
Planning vacation together and separate
Planning time with our own family/children
Talking about how we handle illness, and operation
Talking about birthdays
 

 
How are we doing with chores? Specifically (if no kids in house):
Meal planning
Food prep
Groceries (and who pays when, why)
Cooking dinner
Clean up after dinner
How are we doing with dishes?
Keeping counters clean
 
Tidying up
Taking out the garbage and recycling
 
How are we doing with laundry?
Making the bed?
 
How are we doing with Cleaning?
Sweeping?
Vacuuming and mopping ?
 
Caring for the house plants
 
Straightening and rearranging closets
 
Getting the house ready for guests
Preparing for a party
What else?
 
Projects:
Things that benefit both of us or things that we help the other one with- snow shoveling, leaf, raking, doing the lawn
Other house projects as discussed
 
Do we need to have any discussion about money?
Are we splitting the meals equitably?
Are we eating out and taking turns in way that is equalizing?
How about rge and water?
Joint gifts for people?
Bringing a dish to pass?
Are you thinking that I’m eating all your food? Can we talk about that level of detail?
 
Do you feel like you need more time alone?
 
Talking about sex life and feedback loop do you like?
  How can I let you know what I like?
  Are we on track for each of us like and want?
 
What are we avoiding?
 
Planning travel
Buying items for the home
Running errands
 
Are we indicating to each other that we value the relationship?

 
Possible Negatives and moving them into positive:
Are we talking over each other?
Are we fighting over money or chores?
Are we talking about feelings and thoughts in a way that is vulnerable with one another?
Are we deepening the emotional connection?
Are we yelling at one another?
Are we holding the floor longer than we need to?
Are we defining each other’s reality or asking?
Are we owning our inconsistency and hypocrisy?
Are we telling each other what we need for feedback?
Are we putting pressure on each other to get together more or less?
Are we working on our attachment issues, individually and together?
​

I am writing a workbook to help people heal from affairs.

I have found that there are misconceptions about affairs. I have found that people are not protecting their relationship or "Couple Bubble" (thank you to Stan Tatkin)

In a couple sentences, let me describe the main points.
If you put another relationship in front of your romantic relationship, you are at high risk. If you prioritize your relationship with a coworker or friend and defend them instead of having your priority be your partner, that is high risk. If you are making "We" decisions (decisions that affect the couple) without consulting your partner, that is high risk behavior. When you talk about your partner to your friends or coworkers, if it is negative about them, that is high risk behavior. You are betraying your loyalty (absent but implicit social contract with partner) and putting their needs ahead of what your partner needs and expects from the relationship. If your partner would not want you talking about that issue with your coworkers and you do it anyway, you are not protecting the "couple bubble."

High risk behavior does not mean you will have an affair. I might ask you why you would continue doing things that risk the relationship.

​If you value the relationship, you protect it.

I currently have 175 pages written that need some editing and organizing. Stay tuned

I'm on page 40 of writing a workbook about affairs that will help the reader go through exercises and thoughts and coping mechanisms.

I keep running into blindspots. People seem to not understand how affairs start, which means they are missing clues. People are putting themselves into dangerous situations without realizing it, then getting defensive when asked to be more protective of the relationship.

There are a million myths about affairs as well. Sure everyone has an opinion, but not all opinions carry the same weight. Some are harmful and damaging. Others are simply not informed and wild guesses. You are entitled to your opinion, but please be careful of thinking that you are right.

One myth I hear too often is, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." The person then uses poor logic to prove their point and their logic is easily proven wrong, but facts do not get in the way of their thinking. This is not true. It is a myth.

Let's look at the nuances, too. Imagine understanding that a certain innocuous behavior is actually threatening to a relationship at a certain point and taking precautions.

​Imagine that instead of getting defensive, the person said, "Wait, that behavior is dangerous? Rather than protect my ego by defending myself, I will defend my relationship. I will do whatever it takes to protect this relationship. What would make it safer right now?"

Many times, simply acknowledging that the behavior can be risky or a situation has risk, is enough. Being aware of risk makes you more likely to act better. If you do not perceive the risk, you are less likely to prepare for the risk.

If your partner says that they are uncomfortable with your relationship at work, how do you have that conversation? Do you then hide the texts and emails or talk openly about the concerns? Are you more loyal to your partner or to your friend? Which relationship do you prioritize? If the person is being controlling, are they truly protecting or are they over reacting? How do you know when you have reached the threshold?

At what point is a friendship more than a friendship? Talk about that with your partner. It is an awkward conversation and yet so is talking about an affair. Your choice...

Do you know how to assess the risk accurately? Are you just guessing or going with your gut (notoriously poor at predicting affairs)?

Are you talking about the emotional affairs as well as physical ones? Did you agree on terms and definitions and rules/expectations? Do you know how friendships move toward emotional affairs so that you can stop yourself from crossing the threshold? For example, you do not talk to your friend about your partner in unflattering terms. As soon as you talk about your partner in a way that throws them under the bus, be very careful. That is a tipping point in moving toward an emotional affair. You start justifying treating them poorly and what happens after that is not pretty.

My suggestion is to acknowledge that affairs do happen quite frequently in our society.

Because of that, we need to look at our relationship for weak points. We should regularly assess our relationship, what is going well and what is not going well?

We should talk about our insecurities and what reassurance we need.

If you find yourself over reacting or being controlling, maybe talk to a professional about the root cause. Did you know that there is a relationship OCD? Fascinating read- the person obsesses about the partner cheating. It defies logic and can be treated. Very painful for all parties involved.

​Instead of stonewalling (the silent treatment), try these statements.
Consider putting them in your “notes” in your phone and copy/paste when you find yourself getting quiet after a difficult conversation. Convey to your partner what is happening, what you are feeling, what you might need and the story in your head. Check your assumptions instead of jumping to conclusions and blowing things out of proportion.
Think about when you are most likely to shut down. What happened immediately before you shut down. If you can predict, you can prepare for next time. You can’t always prevent it from happening, but if you know you are likely to shut down and this annoys your partner, practice letting your partner know what is happening.
 
Try on the following and then write your own, in your own words, that fit you and your situation. These are simply prompts.
“That didn’t land well.”
“My feelings are really hurt right now. I need to sit with the feelings before I respond. I don’t want to lash out. I think that would make it worse. Can you give me a bit of time to sit with my feelings and then get back with you and talk it through?”
“Are you okay? You just said something that touched a nerve and that is unlike you.”
“Did something I shared touch something deep inside you that you said what you did? Maybe it brought back memories or something?”
 
“When you said (fill in the blank with what was said) ________
Here is how it landed:
I heard that I need to change to be acceptable. It felt a bit condescending and patronizing and I recoiled. I don’t think that is what you intended and yet it landed that way. Can you tell me more about what you said and why?”
Or
“Are you telling me that I am not good enough for you? That is what it sounded like to my ears. I want to make sure I heard what you said accurately.”
Or
“I am having some strong feelings about what you just said. It didn’t land well. It hurt my feelings. I need space to lick my wounds.”
“What I heard is that you are better than me and that I should do life the way that you do. That does not sound like you, though. Is that what you intended for me to hear from your statement?”
Or
“Are you communicating that you’re better than me because of the way you do this? It felt like you were correcting me or evaluating/judging me. I might be wrong, that’s how I heard it. Can you let me know if I am close in my understanding of what you meant?”
Or
“Could I ask you to just listen to understand, not to share a similar story? If you have a similar story, I would like to hear it, but the timing wasn’t right for me right then. It made me question if my feelings matter to you.”
Or
“I promise you, I will be incredibly clear and direct when I want feedback or advice, or ways to improve myself.”
Or
“When you help me before I ask, it doesn’t feel like help to me, regardless of your intention.”
Or
“You have expressed a preference that I do not have. It feels like you might be insinuating that there is right and wrong and that you are right and I am wrong. Possibly that- because you do it your way, that you are better than I am. Nevertheless, I hear, and I might be wrong in my hearing of it, that disagreeing on this issue is a big deal. I expressed my preference which doesn’t match yours. I hear that you would very much like me to abandon my preference and choose yours. If I don’t do that, I understand that there will be consequences. Am I understanding that correctly?”
 
Can you hear how these are different but share a pattern? Use your own language to express yourself. You are letting your partner know that something hurt and you are checking your assumptions. You are letting them know that you might need time to process your feelings. This is much better than feeling hurt and going into silent mode with no warning. That is similar to changing lanes without signalling. It can cause a problem. Being quiet and processing your feelings is perfectly acceptable, as long as you communicate and are not sulking or withholding love or punishing them.

Empathy and Intimacy Part 2

At heightened levels of empathy, partners could help one another to delve deeply, and express feelings beyond what each was initially capable of on their own; there is power and staying presence and engage with another during moments of deep self exploration. This level of empathy enhanced couples’ intimacy, promoted respect and consideration towards one another, help them to establish a safe, comfortable and trusting environment to venture further, and ultimately facilitated the process of learning, development, and exploration together.

​Empathy is the linchpin of relational qualities.

From the book Magnificent Sex

​Extraordinary lovers tend not to describe sex in a compartmentalized, linear way, but describe a more free-flowing approach that involves a mix of connecting with one another, playing and communicating.

When you are intentionally together, I see that as lovemaking.

It can be great if we have intercourse or just making out or just being together -playing and communicating.

Every point of pleasure on the circle is an end in itself.

Optimal sexual experiences involve setting aside time and preparing the environment. It needs to be congruent with the needs and interests of those involved.

How do you view sex?
(From the book Magnificent Sex)

Optimal sexual experiences are deeply personal and individual, and require high levels of honesty, which certainly may be challenging and perhaps uncomfortable. Not acknowledging true desires, and enduring unrewarding sex is also uncomfortable and unlikely to be associated with long-term growth.

Extraordinary lovers see themselves as sexual beings and sexuality is inseparable from the rest of who they are.

How one feels about their sexuality permeates through every bit of their life.

They were not compartmentalized, but were well- integrated aspects of their personality.

The pursuit of optimal sexual experiences was not treated as substantially different from the pursuit of excellence in other areas.

It is acceptable to acknowledge the pursuit of sexual pleasure or to claim enjoyment of certain types of sexual activity.

Good sex has to be a priority because, otherwise, all the other chores that have to be done get in the way.

If sex is not seen as important, it’ll quit being excellent. Many people wait for it -instead of making it happen.
Extraordinary lovers did not hesitate to dedicate significant effort and commitment to the pursuit of optimal sexual experiences, as well as learning more about themselves, their partners and sex.

​Magnificent sexual experiences may require a conscious decision to pursue, develop and cultivate them.
 
Is this something you want to pursue in earnest and are prepared to devote the necessary time and energy to bring about?

From the book Magnificent Sex ( continued)

Expressive and receptive verbal communication, as well as the power of giving and receiving touch in ways that communicate that one is now virtually living in the other’s world, we’re feeling into the other’s space. Penetrate (metaphorically) the person within.

It is the willingness to let oneself be touched -so as to be felt.

Understand someone else’s perspective all the way to self-transcendence and total immersion in the others experience.

The level of empathy we encountered among those we interviewed went far beyond the way this term is usually defined in couples therapy literature. 
 
What does that mean?
Be able to listen, to respond, to organize information, to recognize, even if you’re not told, that one kind of touch elicits a certain response in your partner, and another does not.

Being on the same wavelength, getting inside the other Person’s Being or sharing headspace.
 
Extraordinary lovers prioritize and cherish their relational bonds.

Want better empathy and magnificent sex? Ask yourself, "How much does my partner matter to me?"

Intimacy and Empathy

From the book Magnificent Sex
Allow yourself to be felt and known deeply, and penetrated metaphorically, as individuals and erotic beings.

Empathy was not only a component of optimal sexual experiences, but it was the overarching and underlying factor that created magnificent sex. It helped facilitate virtually every other relationship quality.

Empathy was crucial for improving the quality of sexual experiences directly; it also helped foster trust, communication and safety that were, in their turn, helpful and bringing about magnificent sex.

Talking during sex
From the Book- Magnificent Sex

Some of the following is obvious and yet people forget to do it or make the conscious decision not to connect on those deeper levels.

Do you talk during sex?
Do you “relate” during “sexual relations”?
Do you talk to yourself in those silent character balloons over your head? Or are you truly together?

​Frame of mind during sex:
Can you be calm, so fully engaged with one another not only at the level of physical stimulation, but encouraging them to continue exploring one another -emotionally and erotically, such that sex cannot help but be exciting?
Can you be utterly embodied, absorbed and present within, while simultaneously being fully in sync with and connected with another person?
 
What does it take?
Those who have attained extraordinary sexuality set out to do so and devoted substantial time, energy and development of interpersonal skills to make it happen.
 
Extraordinary lovers practice the required skills, even though this entailed making mistakes within view of their partners.

They taught themselves to become more open, attentive and sensitive, so that they could be absorbed with their partners in the moment.

Are you able to read your partner’s verbal and nonverbal communication, respond to subtle cues, and make ongoing modification to enhance your sexual encounter? If you can do this in the bedroom, you are likely doing it in other areas of your life.

Touch can be used as a vehicle for communication.