​Part 3 Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem
 
If you can accept some influence, you might be able to compromise. Nash Equilibrium is not possible in every situation. Sometimes you must compromise or break the deal altogether. We are working hard to not make it a win-lose in either direction.
 
Is there an area where you might be able to reach a temporary compromise after you fully understood them?
 
In order to move to compromise, we have to feel safe and decide what we cannot compromise on. Are you communicating in such a way that your partner feels safe?
 
What are core needs that we cannot be flexible about?
 
You can only be influential if you accept influence.
 
As we become more conscious and aware, we look at what are we trying to accomplish. What is our dream, what is our life mission?
 
How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone?
 
How is your relationship supporting your life‘s mission?
 
What changes will you make in your relationship to accomplish your dreams, your life mission?
 
The couples who are happy in their relationships have a five to one ratio of positive to negative during conflict discussions. A 21 positive to negative ratio when just hanging out.
 
Little things done often, lots of kindness, attention, interest in one another, affection, humor, good sex, and so on…
 
When looking at defensiveness, look at righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. “I am free of blame, guilty and any responsibility. It is all on you.”
 
It looks like you are competing for the victim of the day award to avoid making any changes.
 
Can you accept responsibility even for a small part of the problem?
 
What are you responsible for in this relationship?
 
Scan for things to take responsibility for instead of criticizing your partner. Catch your partner doing something right and give praise for that.
 
As a couple, how successful are you being able to talk about it without getting back into negativity? Making the next conversation on that topic better?
 
When you have a chip on your shoulder, you take it personally if someone is irritable or says something crappy.
 
Do you feel like your partner is your ally, teammate, partner?
 
Do you feel respected, understood and that your partner is really on your side?
 
Do you feel like your partner is interested in you?
 
Is there affection coming your way?
 
Is there a romance or passion or good sex in the relationship?
 
If not, you’re likely to have a negative perspective and your negative sentiment will override your positive feelings and you’re likely to have a chip on your shoulder.
 
If you can talk about a problem that is continual due to personality or lifestyle differences, we call that a perpetual problem.
 
You don’t feel rejected when it’s perpetual problem.
 
In gridlock, you do feel rejected and the main issue is how to move from gridlock to dialogue on these perpetual problems.
 
 
 
 

This is where the “dream within a problem” exercise comes in. Ask your counselor to explain it to you and give you the Gottman approved handout.
 
Imagine being in a romantic relationship where you always win every argument, but you crush your partner’s dreams in the process. (I am guessing you know that crushing your partner’s dreams does not serve you.)
 
Now imagine that you’re in a kind of relationship in which you support each other‘s dreams.
 
Which one do you think both of you would prefer?
 
When people feel empowered they do not stand for bad relationships. (Some people know this and make sure that their partner is not empowered, so that they stay in this relationship, despite the yuck.)
 
Men who have the emotional intelligence to accept influence from women are way ahead of the game in the world of relationships and parenting.
 
It’s also a wonderful way to get your kids ahead of the game in emotional, social development but also in terms of cognitive development.
 
Fathers have great potential for doing good and also great potential for doing harm.
 
There needs to be give and take on both sides.
 
The sharing of power needs to be a two-way street.
 
What matters here is respecting both points of view. Historically, one group tends to accept influence and one group tends not to. There are individual differences, obviously, but as a group, one accepts influence at far higher rates.
 
Relationships fare much better when a man accepts influence from his female partner.
 
Developmental psychologists have observed that little girls accept influence in their play from both boys and girls, but boys almost never accept influence from girls.
 
In preschool, 35% of best friends are boy girl friendships, the percentage drops to 0% by age 7. The guy who can accept influence is a pretty smart guy.
 
By adolescence, when boys and girls turn toward another with emotional ups and downs of relationships, it is a girl who is likely to be more expert about navigating emotional waters.
 
Do you want to win this battle to lose the war?
 
Both people need to feel respected and consulted in the process of deciding things.
 
It’s you and me versus the problem not you versus me or me versus you. Both of us are working together against the problem.
 
When your children are troubled, do they feel comfortable turning toward you?
 
How about your spouse?
 
When your children are joyous do they look forward to sharing it with you?
 
Same thing for your spouse?
 
If you have a solid emotional base you can create and work effectively with your partner. You can lead a rich and meaningful life.
 
People who matter will care about you when you are alive and will be warm to you when you are dying.
 
This still relates to gridlock versus perpetual problems. Can you see the paradox that the person who accepts influence has influence? In our society, there is a gender gap and it might be helpful to understand it than just change behaviorally.
 
Women have been conditioned with a much lower sense of entitlement about having and developing their own dreams unless those dreams pertain to relationships.
 
They are all too willing to give up their dreams for the sake of the relationship.
 
But no one wants a close relationship with a woman who is defeated, beaten, and depressed. Everyone (making the assumption of non pathology) wants a woman who is a partner and true teammate, someone who is alive loves their life, who feels loved honored and respected.
 
In our history, unfortunately, it’s typical where it has been the woman’s dreams that have not been taken seriously by both.
 
We are not suggesting that the man’s dreams are not to be honored, but that usually gets taken for granted and is absent but implicit.
 
Honoring their own dreams- and women feel bad for having these dreams, unless they’re about being a daughter, mother, sister, wife, honoring their own dreams- will help their relationship.
 
When you notice that you’re in gridlock, the goal is simply dialogue not to fix the problem.
 
Let me say this again the goal is not to fix the problem. Yet…
 
Work more deeply to understand one another.
 
What are the feelings, beliefs, and dreams behind the issue?
Next blog will continue with perpetual problem explanation and gridlock resolution.

​Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem

Warning: LONG ARTICLE- I broke it up into 4-5 parts.
 
I will explain this concept, within the context of the Sound Relational House based solely on the work of John and Julie Gottman, PhD. It will be a few blogs long and is well worth it. Gottman also has multiple YouTube videos that explain this and other concepts or go straight to their Gottman Institute website. Great research and well explained…
                        
In your relationship you have problems that keep coming back up. Some are painful and harmful to the relationship (gridlock) and some are just recurring problems (perpetual) based on the fact that we are different and living with someone who is different can be hard.
 
The “gridlock” problems are the ones where you feel betrayed and you feel like you can’t get anywhere in the problem. You cannot even talk about it without problems.
 
Because nothing works, you avoid talking and you end up feeling like non-romantic roommates or friends and you feel rejected by your partner.
 
You can clearly see your side and you think that if they could see your side they would think the same way.
 
Or you get into a power-play or a power struggle and you both dig in.
 
But, as soon as you start talking about it, things go sideways and the dialogue is jammed or gridlocked.
 
You eventually find that you don’t want to accept influence or admit any correctness on the other person side and you start using the four Horsemen. (That is gridlock and it can be different. You can find your way out of gridlock with this prompt.)
 
As a result, there’s no headway.
 
Each person digs in. They stake their position instead of working with the concept of mutual interests. (To avoid gridlock, consider this perspective, “We are not enemies, it is us against the problem. We have a mutual interest in solving this problem.”)
 
They start losing their friendship. They don’t express admiration and appreciation and they tend to make the other person the villain. (Repair: When you notice that you are having a disagreement that should be a conversation, ask yourself if you appreciate your partner. Ask yourself if you are vilifying them in the story in your head? Are you comparing them to someone else or being overly critical?)
 
Have you ever noticed that in your own stories you’re the hero and the other person is the villain?
 
As you dig into your position, you reinforce it. You don’t compromise. You get more extreme and polarized and then you just stop talking to each other. (What topics are taboo in your relationship with your romantic partner? When you talk about a taboo topic, are you able to have a conversation or is it an immediate disagreement or conflict with questionable boundaries or something else?)
 
You might notice a similar thing with politics.
 
This is where you don’t want to even have the conversation because your dreams are crushed and you feel alienated. (Ask yourself if you are fully understanding their perspective. If you get their point of view, without judging them, then ask if there is a dream that they have that might be partially in the way. Ask yourself if you are acting honorably toward their dream.)
 
If you can relate to those, that simply means you are in a situation that is gridlocked. The goal is to move towards having decent dialogue (honorable communication, not blame and judgment and fixing and controlling and persuading) and conversation about it, not solve it at this point.
 
So what’s the dream that’s in there?
 
What has a deeply symbolic meaning?
 
When listening to your partner, ask yourself, what are their hopes, dreams, fears, wishes, aspirations? Approach this process as a way to learn more about your partner, to get to know them better. Approach it with intellectual curiosity.
 
Gottman notes that the gridlock is the result of dreams in opposition and the fears that we have about accepting influence on the problem at hand.
 
The problem is not the problem necessarily, what does the problem mean to me personally?
 
For example, a money discussion is not about money. It’s about power or security or competence or independence and freedom, Gottman suggests.
 
Can you see why someone might not yield unless they feel understood and honored?
 
If it’s not safe enough to hear and be seen and understood then they will not talk about it.
 
This is another area where talker and listener comes in very handy.
 
You are listening to understand.
 
Not to use the information against the person, convert them you didn’t use it as ammo.
 
Talk about what the problem means to your deepest self why does it carry this much meaning for you?
 
Why is it so core to your sense of self? Ask in a way that is intellectually curious, not judgmental.
 
There is always healing before resolution. You have to reconcile the inner conflict before you can resolve the outer conflict.
 
Can I speak safely with this person?
 
Do my feelings matter to this person?
 
Does my preference matter to them?
 
Can I rely on them?
 
Am I able to have a discussion and feel honored and respected even when there are differences?
 
If you answer “no” then you are likely in gridlock.
 
 
The goal is to listen to understand, not judge, not solve, not find judgment, not change the person’s mind.
 
Do not argue for your own point of view, just listen and let them feel understood because you are listening only to understand.
 

“Tell her what you need,” the therapist says to the husband in his office. He winces, feeling vulnerable but not knowing how to express it. He intellectualizes his feelings, programmed by society to not express feelings. Punished as a child for having feelings and being tender. He imagines himself back in kindergarten and feels resentful for having to do this. He does not like exposing his weakness to his wife, in front of a stranger, and a man no less.

Counseling is not always very friendly to the man and he often bails from couples counseling unless, unless…

What if we helped him feel successful and gave him the knowledge he lacks? What if we encouraged him to practice the skills to the point of mastery before asking him to use them in a game situation? When the couple is in counseling, the stakes are very high. People do not come in quickly when they see a problem. The woman usually asks the man and he stalls. He says, “Let’s try to fix it ourselves.” Any surprise there? Men do the same for fixing the house, the car, medical issues. Men were taught that to admit not knowing how to fix it is tantamount to being a loser. Not true, but that is what they were taught. “Unless you know how to fix your house, you are not a real man.” As if, at birth, all that information is downloaded into his brain and that is what it means to be a man. Again, not true, but we hear these messages and they warp us if we don’t challenge them and think for ourselves.

“Tell her what you need,” repeats the therapist, as if the man understands the directive.

Hey counselors, try this:
“We all have basic needs in life. For example, in counseling, many people say they want to feel seen, feel heard, be understood. They may want reassurance of some sort. I have a list of needs right here for you to reference. We don’t expect you to come in with all the answers, so here is the list right here. So, take a peak at this list and see if you can identify a few needs right now and let her know what you need. Then request what you need and the two of you determine if that is a need you get met within the relationship or if it is a need you meet yourself or with your family or friends. You will get the need met; it is just a matter of timing and setting and people involved. So you feel confident knowing that your needs will be met. There is less desperation, less urgency, fewer demands on the relationship itself. When you are confident that your needs will be met, then the relationship is less likely to suffer the weight of your needs. Okay, so from that list, or your own ideas, what do you need right now?” For the man who is new to counseling, does not have this vocabulary or life experience, you have reassured him that you will not embarrass him, that he can count on you to have his back and he will not experience being trapped. He is less likely to resist counseling when he knows that you will set him up for success. He gets the felt sense that he can rely on you and that his feelings, his needs, his preferences are important to you. That is the meta message in preparing him to be successful. Imagine sending him and her an article on that, or better yet, an audio since the percentage of men who read those types of articles is not very high. Again, set them up for success.

What are some common needs? Everything that follows on this particular blog posting is not my original material and I have cited the source.

The following list of needs is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.

We have another nonviolent communication list that might also be of interest to you: a list of feelings.

​CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
CONNECTION continued
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water
HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence
PLAY
joy
humor
PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

 
The contents of this page can be downloaded and copied by anyone so long as they credit CNVC as follows:

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505-244-4041
You can also find a PDF of feelings and needs here: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/learn-nonviolent-communication/feelings/
​

Due to technical difficulties, I have been unable to get to my website to blog in over a month.

Here's my first blog since resttoring the website:

I live very close to the zoo, and one night when I got home from work it was really dark. As I was approaching the front steps to come inside, I noticed a very long snake. Very long for this area and I didn't recognize it. It was dark, so I could not quite tell what type of snake it was.

I waited for the snake to move and it didn’t move.

I threw some things, like pebbles, at it. I debated jumping over it but then wondered if it would strike at me as I jumped over it.

I waited for it to move it again.

As I contemplated staying outside for a lot longer, I realized I could just go back to my car and turn on the headlights to identify what kind of snake it is to see if it’s poisonous or not poisonous.

When I turn on the headlights, I realize that my son had left out the jump rope.

How often, in our life, is it a jump rope -not a snake?

How often do we make it something that it is not, and act as if?

Imagine getting out into the online dating world and finding someone who matches you really well, but they are busy. Shoot, everyone is busy. We all have our own lives and schedules and trips and hobbies and families and jobs that interfere with a romantic relationship. You just met someone and next week you can see them again? That is often how it works!

How do you communicate when things don't go as you would prefer?

"I feel sad when you reach out and I reach back to you and all of a sudden, you stop. Do you want me to reach out a second time or leave you alone?"

"When we’ve been texting and you abruptly stop, I feel put off, ignored etc. are you sending me a message to give you space? How do you want me to interpret your behavior?"

"When we’ve gone out once or twice and I turn into your pen pal, I feel a little hurt. Are we just friends or withdrawal waltzing? Why won’t you come out to play? What message are you sending, because I’m hearing, "back off."
I’m not going to keep asking, if I don’t get a “yes” from time to time. Do you want to spend time or not? Do you not have the time to date? (Don't say this out loud- Are you interested in the "one hour a week" model of dating?)"

"I think about relationships and possibilities and enjoy being in person, not phone or texting. There are too many incorrect assumptions that people make over the phone and by text, that are not made in person due to body language cues. But if we settle for texting and all day goes by… that’s not an equal energetic exchange. I will take 50% responsibility and let you own your side."

"If you want some space, ask for it directly and specifically. If you hint, I’ll misread it. If it is unclear, please don’t expect me to guess correctly. My preference would be to have more verbal precision and less guesswork. Especially if we’re not communicating in person."

"I like to get excited about the possibility and the what if etc. I let myself go there and endure the discomfort as well as the enjoyment. But dating has quite a bit of pain for me. It feels like an awful lot of not matching and neglect. People are rushing into weird stuff, assuming familiarity and skipping the work necessary to build a foundation, such as getting to know the person. That takes time and effort and negotiation skills."

Let them know what you prefer and what makes you tick. Ask for what you want in a respectful way, minimizing the sarcasm and snarkiness, when possible. Cut them slack because you never know what they are going through.

​For those of you negotiating, consider looking on my website for Bayes Rule and for Nash Equilibrium. There are more ways to apply this than during mediation, however, that is what I wrote this article for. The 5 E’s are part of that process. If you are negotiating your divorce, use those two techniques and then evaluate your process using the 5 Es:
 
Process Standard 5 E’s
 
How well do the final agreements accomplish the clients goals?
 
Educated
The parties have a much better chance at achieving an optimal agreement if both have all the information relevant to their agreements.
By being educated regarding the objective and subjective goals of both parties, each of the parties can contemplate an offer, solutions or proposals, that are optimal for each of them.
 
Equitable
People have a fundamental belief that a strategic relationship should be equitable.
 
In social science research, this is called “the principle of reciprocity.”
 
When a situation is not equitable, people feel coerced and are fundamentally unhappy with the outcome.
People do not mind making compromises, for example, if they feel the other person has also made compromises of a similar cost.
 
Equitable does not mean “ equal” it means “fair.” When we look at the issue of fairness, include the subjective meaning of the outcome as well as the object of meaning.
 
Each individual agreement might not be equitable, but the total package of agreements, Incorporated into the settlement agreement, should be equitable.
 
Effective
Attorneys are usually very proficient regarding the standard, especially with regard to financial issues. An effective agreement might also include procedures for the parties to modify certain financial agreements, if that is appropriate in the case.
 
Equilibrant
The final deal is as good as it can be for both parties. If an agreement can be improved, as long as the other party does not lose, and it is not yet equilibrant.
 
Only when the agreement can no longer be improved for at least one party, without hurting the position of the other party, does an agreement meet the standard.
 
Envy- free divorce
The parties usually understand that they will leave the marriage with losses. If, however, at the end of the settlement process, neither of them would trade their package for the package of the other party therefore envy free, then the standard has been met.

Breathwork
Overview
https://youtu.be/f6yAY1oZUOA
 
Breathing For Healing
https://youtu.be/4Lb5L-VEm34
https://youtu.be/bczm0RsIZUM
https://youtu.be/aIfwbEvXtwo
The above are Ted Talks
https://youtu.be/BKsw1abYwdg
 
Breathing For Sleep
https://youtu.be/j-1n3KJR1I8
https://youtu.be/MM5WG66bMS8
https://youtu.be/1G2he0jYOl0
https://youtu.be/p3WuOgM9d68
https://youtu.be/gJH-E0IjNII
https://youtu.be/bvteZtPrE90
 
Breathing For Energy
https://youtu.be/CKLXC7Kgn6I
 
Breathing For Trauma
https://youtu.be/OWWOdsnBIak
Consider Holotropic Breathing, a whole process of letting go of your body armor, your stuck energy and releasing it. Integrate the new insights from the non ordinary consciousness. Consider doing this with a professional to help you with the intense emotions that are likely to arise. Basic idea is that instead of numbing your anxiety, why not use the wisdom of the anxiety, the trigger -to identify the root cause and then pull it out by the roots. You can repeatedly reexperience the problem/trauma or you can do it strategically a couple times and process, then integrate.
https://youtu.be/Cr81Lnu8PmU
 
Ahh Breathing- Helps With Manifesting
https://youtu.be/3g2ShJ21k9E
 
Pranayama Breathing
https://youtu.be/18DQlzN3q9M
https://youtu.be/PmwnMUygaNg
https://youtu.be/l11qFpRqhIQ
https://youtu.be/QGN8I7Ydvwo
https://youtu.be/nSZ6cSYhrUo
https://youtu.be/395ZloN4Rr8
https://youtu.be/JoDKbXEUrvQ
 
Tummo
https://youtu.be/1LWi8oTZ8ew
 
Fire Breathing
https://youtu.be/4sCcif69xUw
 
Breathing For Anxiety
https://youtu.be/b0VKVlRI23I
https://youtu.be/pP2AxcD7gS0
 
Breathing For Depression
https://youtu.be/mJ81lHqYC1M
 
Circular Breathing
https://youtu.be/qcyY0tsGm6A
https://youtu.be/J-LMiZHWdbU
 
Tantra and Orgasmic Breathing
https://youtu.be/tO0mKTCnzeo
https://youtu.be/300e3EtKMxw
https://youtu.be/VCwYTjqjDTc
https://youtu.be/Wz7D625yZoY
https://youtu.be/4jGtjsSFGvk
https://youtu.be/ATqTiNyw1Bo
https://youtu.be/lxnOFL1tE-o
 
 
Pelvic Floor Work (related to tantric work more than breathing)
https://youtu.be/utCsrulCHpc
https://youtu.be/66E81I8-pFQ
https://youtu.be/sOQybifdoxs
https://youtu.be/xs9TdKuBocU
 
Apnea Exercises- Sleep in the same bed again and don’t worry about snoring
https://youtu.be/2nq8YjWIIUI
https://youtu.be/aSdc1pKnqDY
https://youtu.be/TH-vUvYJ5y4
​

Want to allow your partner to get to know you on a deeper level?
Want to know your partner on a deeper level, but don't know what questions to ask to get you there?

If I told you that, on this website, under the "services" Tab, about half way down, there was a free handout that did just that, would you be interested?

"Get to know your partner"- just click on that and voila, there are many pages of questions, almost all from Gottman (I changed the order of the questions, but they are his intellectual property and he gets the credit- here and on the form).

You will learn important things about yourself, your partner and it is readily apparent how these things apply to your relationship.