​Retirement and Divorce
In my office, I have a mini legal library- books to help you look at your situation, see what self-help options exist and then you decide whether to use an expert or do it yourself.
 
You can always have an expert come to the mediation session so that both of you hear the same info at the same time.
 
Often, people simply do not have the basic knowledge to do this on their own and it can quickly get complicated.
 
Your mediator will help you have the discussion about it, will likely have more information than you have, but they are not a “retirement expert.”
 
This area is simply too important to let feelings get in the way. I have heard people say that they are just walking away from retirement because they want to be done with their ex. While I understand the emotions, I also caution you. In a few years, that money you gave up might come in handy. When you realize their pension was worth over a million dollars and you might not be able to retire… my guess is that you will have second thoughts and not be able to do anything about it.

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In going through separation and divorce, co-parenting and mediation, there are some very straightforward things you can do to improve communication. Try these:

Listener Job Description

• Listen to what the Talker is saying. Pretend you are a tape recorder. Ideally they are talking about a vulnerable feeling and you are making it safe for them to connect with you.
• Listen without judgment, rebuttal or any other editorial comment.
• Contain your emotions, this is not about you right now, it is about the Talker.
• If the Talker is being destructive or if you simply cannot listen, ask for a short time out. The person calling the time out assumes responsibility for re-engaging the conversation within 24 hours.
• Paraphrase what you heard them say, being as objective as possible. Do not put your spin on what they are saying- you are only trying to understand their perspective.
• Ask them, “Is that accurate or close? Do you think I got it?”
• If you have really understood them, and they agree- Ask them, “Is there more?”
• If there is more, keep listening.
• If they are saying something that is hard to hear, or they are really loud or if the manner in which they are saying it is objectionable (they are being mean/overly critical) you have the right to ask for a time out or to ask for what you need. For example, “It is really hard for me to hear you when your voice is that loud. Could you please lower your voice?” or “I struggle listening to you when I feel attacked or when I think you are mad at me. Can you get your point across differently?”
• Attempt to validate them after you have clarified. That means allowing them to have a different opinion (point of view or perspective ) than you have, acknowledging their perspective has merit and that you can see where they are coming from. This defuses many, many disagreements.

Talker
Job Description:

• As the talker, your job is to make sure you speak in short sentences and ask the listener to clarify what you said.
• After about 4 sentences, many listeners will tune you out. Stop and let them clarify what you said.
• If you want to be understood, speak in a manner that they can hear you.
• Speak respectfully.
• Try to keep to one and only one topic.
• No name calling, and avoid blame. This is not time to complain or punish them or show them their faults/criticize.
• It is time to connect.
• Tell them what you need from them.
• Avoid telling them what they need to change.

·       Tell them your perspective and label it as your own perspective, realizing that there are multiple perspectives that are acceptable and valid in almost every situation. If you struggle with this concept, all your communication will be difficult.
·       Do not attempt to convince them that your way is right and theirs is wrong.

Triggers
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Name it. What is the trigger? What triggered you and what did it trigger you to say to yourself? Where did you feel it in your body? What did you do when you felt the pain?


Let it go Meditation- can you acknowledge it and release it?

Can you Tap the EFT points? (YouTube has a few million videos about EFT tapping)

Reconciliation of thought- how do I reconcile this thought with what happened?

Disputed thought- is this true? It is an automatic thought, which does not mean it is real.

Radical acceptance- maybe the strategy is to simply go with, “It is what it is.”

Avoid it- there are some triggers that can be avoided without making them stronger.

Bilateral stim- use the thinking and the feeling parts of your brain by tapping alternately on the left and right sides of your body

Predicting relapse- anticipate, predict and prepare for it

Reassure- what could you say to yourself to reassure yourself about this issue?

​When you are triggered, you are temporarily unable to process well. Try the above and share with friends...

Trigger
Ever find yourself triggered by what someone said? All of the sudden, in the middle of a decent conversation, something they said hit you the wrong way… It brought you back to something that happened years or months ago that was painful. It was not conscious or intentional and you found yourself struggling to stay in the present moment…

Usually, when this happens, the person has no idea that what they said hit a nerve. Some people talk about them as landmines and mine fields.

Someone rings your doorbell, pushes the button and it registers as “ding dong.” If you remove one of the wires, the next time they press your button, it doesn’t make a sound. You would prefer they not push your buttons and yet you now have freedom from a response.

A trigger is a conditioned response. It is not logical or rational or present based. You can condition a different response if you are conscious of your trigger.

The next time you find yourself out of control or having a reaction that is too strong for the situation, consider whether you’ve been triggered. Look at the over reaction and what got triggered. What did this current situation remind you of from your past? What would it take for you to heal this, now that you are aware that you are still hurting from your past?

Play it through in your head:
Do I need to take this personally?
Does it matter?
Is my perspective the only perspective available to me?
Who cares?
Can I get some distance from this?
What would it take for me to soothe myself, calm myself right now?
Do I have a chip on my shoulder about this?
What would it take for me to reassure, or validate, myself?
 
A common trigger for people is when someone they love is angry at them. That is hard to tolerate because in the past when someone was angry with me….. (fill in the thought).

Now, play it through in your head a few times without you reacting strongly. Train your brain to respond rather than over react to this stimulus. Condition your brain to take it at face value rather than read into it or take it personally.

Repeat this a few times until it no longer has an emotional component. Be free of this trigger, take the wire off the button, remove the landmine from the minefield…

​What thoughts do you have?

Tomorrow starts the annual conference for Divorce Mediation in NY.

I really appreciate all that people have done to prepare for it and I like telling people about mediation. If you know anyone who has gone through divorce, it is really a painful process.

Mediation is the least painful option to manage the situation. It takes into account the feelings of the participants and makes more likely a good parenting situation post-divorce. I am biased because I have seen couples who get chewed up and spit out by the court system.

I know lawyers and judges dislike how awful litigation is.

​Most couples don't have enough money to make it to court and the ones who make it to court regret going to court. It's just ugly.

Why not get a Divorce, avoid a ton of unnecessary pain in the process and save money by doing it. That's why I am doing so much training and reading and helping to make people aware of mediation.

​Do I want you to know the real me?

The inner struggle is between getting to know me, me getting to know myself, and what do I project into the outside world? 

Do I exile parts of myself that I do not like? For example, imagine as a young child she felt very vulnerable. Someone told her that she was too needy. That probably happens in peoples’ lives more than once. By the third time that someone said that she was too needy, she made the decision to not have needs. 

At that point in her life, not having needs seemed like a good idea. When someone judges her for who she really is, she learns that who she is is not acceptable. 

So she exiles a part of her that has needs. She learns not to rely on other people. She learns to not ask for her needs to be met. 

Later in life, when she decides that she should ask to get her needs met, someone chooses not to meet those needs or tells her that she’s too needy again. 

It reaffirms that she should not have needs. Now someone says, “be vulnerable with me. You can share your needs with me. “

There is no way that she’s going to trust that. She has learned to have a tough exterior, to be a tough person, to show her tough side, not her warm and fuzzy side or vulnerability. 

That is a part of her that is acceptable and that people like, she has been telling herself.

That’s what she’s going to show the world. She’s not gonna show the soft, warm and tender side of herself. She might show glimpses of it. But it frightens her and makes her think that she will be rejected or taken advantage of. 

Why would she willingly show somebody a part of her that would create rejection?

​“I want you to know me and I want to know you”

Everyone says the above. Everyone would like to believe that they mean it and it’s accurate. 

Imagine that your significant other is psychic. Do you want them to know you all of you, all your thoughts, inside and out? Literally , all of you? Or does intimidate you a little bit?

Can we tone down the statement or make it more accurate or use a dimmer switch? “I want you to know the parts of me that I want you to know. “

That would probably be a more accurate statement.

“ I want you to know me the parts that I like about me and I want you to like the parts that I like. I don’t want you to know if the parts of me that I do not like. I do not like them and I judge myself harshly. My guess is that you’ll judge me harshly for the same things that I judge myself harshly about. Therefore I would like you to know me and I would like you to know those bad things at a later date, and still love me. “

“The thought of you knowing that now is overwhelming. When you know me, well enough, then you can know the bad side of me. I feel comfortable that my good sides will outweigh the bad. Just not yet. “

So really, do I want to know me? 
That is the better question. 

Can I accept all of me? 
Can I be OK with you liking me even when I have these bad sides?
Can I like myself if I am not perfect? 
Will I allow you to love me if I am imperfect? Do I need to hide who I am and in order for you to like me? 
Do I need to hide who I am, from my own self, in order to like myself?

​Any thoughts?

Can we acknowledge that there is something concerning happening in the divorce mediation field? Can we also agree that there is enough work for all mediators if we all do our part to grow the pie?

Whoever it is that is pitting mediators against one another, please stop doing that.

Stop pretending that there is one right way to do mediation or one correct degree or philosophy.

It hurts our field, confuses our clients, our sources of referral and creates unnecessary conflict, which has a degree of irony.

There is a way to market yourself and your background ethically and I encourage differentiating yourself as part of that strategy. Prospective clients should know the pros of your background and your particular bias.

For example, when I market my services, I highlight my many years working with couples going through conflict without resorting to hostility, struggling with the question of divorce and how to tell the children. I highlight my ability to be impartial and show empathy.

​Any thoughts?

Emotional Availability

​Think about how good it feels to connect with people you love. It could be family or friends or a romantic partner…

When someone is going through a struggle, they are simply not available emotionally. Heck, even at our best, we are emotionally available roughly 50% of the time according to Gottman. That might be optimistic.

Now, the person who is available might not have all the necessary skills polished and the other person might not be available at that same time. Or maybe not physically available…

Yet, we all want to connect and feel disappointed when we don’t connect. It can be so frustrating to not get what we want when we want it.

The Takeaway: Don’t set yourself up by expecting more than what is possible. 

I want you closer. Not that close. A little further back. Now closer, now further away. Now I am busy, so don’t bother me. Now I want deep emotional sharing, now I need space.

Leave me alone, but don’t leave the house or go out with friends. Spend time with me, but I am going to be on my phone, and computer, and texting and checking Facebook and Instagram etc.

Did I mention this all happened within a 24 hour period of time? As someone’s feelings shift and as they go to bed, or to work or out for a walk, their needs change. We generally want different things at different times. We are not consistent from day to day, hour to hour and we all give mixed messages. We all do. We do…

This is why it is important to clarify and to ask for your needs to be met. What are my needs for intimacy right now?

How close do I want to be?
Can I meet my needs without trampling on your needs?
Can I be okay with the fact that I am going to be inconsistent?