Don’t Impose Logic on Feelings

Feelings get in the way. It is not matter of fact. It hurts and we regress, we go back into past feelings and it kicks up stuff all the time. It takes us back to our childhood sometimes. Regression happens. Feelings are by definition, not rational or logical. Stop thinking that a decision based on feelings is logical. It is not. This might help you let go of making sense of it.

Just earlier today I was able to be an adult and when the feelings come up, I somehow lost those skills. Think about separation and loss and how you responded then and now. Forget about separating from your spouse- there are separations from friends, family, children, neighborhood etc. Your lifestyle, home, some values and roles are gone or forever altered. Now add the division of money and things and all that entails. “I am losing the world as I know it.

The unknown terrifies me. Yeah, other than that, everything is okay.”

 “Share with your sibling,” writes Howard Yahm in an article about regression. That concept always went over well, right? Now share with the person you are divorcing and deal with the emotions of it and do it quickly to get it over with.

You have to deal with the feelings if you want to be successful with the divorcing couple.

5 Common Retirement Mistakes People Make in Divorce Mediation

1. Unless you are a financial specialist, you want to get some help organizing your money, getting advice and a plan. It gets very complicated quickly, and while you are allowed to deviate, make sure it is done in a planful manner.
2. Walking away from too much money. Some people just want to “be done” and they are willing to walk away from money just to get it over with. Will you kick yourself for doing this when it comes time to retire?
3. Negotiating in poor faith. Make sure you keep it clean and your motivation/intention is good.
4. Hiding money…at some point, you will have to prove your numbers. Do not hide money or accounts. Remember that if this is discovered later on, it could have serious implications.
5. Not being able to retire. Remember, be creative in your settlements.

Your mediator will help you walk through some decisions, help you in getting good questions and refer you but ultimately, you make the decision.

10 things couples overlook in preparing for mediation

Primarily- you should prepare yourself before you see your mediator and again before you send your paperwork to be approved. Quick thoughts:

1. Yes, you can have a lawyer look at your paperwork before it gets sent to the judge. You are protected. Likewise, the mediator will even the playing field, so that no one bullies.
2. Yes, consult with a financial person to see what your menu of options might be. At some point in the process, you will need to prove that the numbers you are using are real and not fictional.
3. Mediation is not litigation. You can create something new and better than what the law says you need to do.
4. Emotions- You will second guess yourself and you will feel hurt, pretty much guaranteed. How will you choose to handle it when it happens? The ostrich approach, while popular, does not work. Many people contemplate suicide at this time. Be aware of that and build your support network now.
5. How do we tell the children?
6. When can I date?
7. You may be tempted to walk away from your children because it is so painful.
8. You may be tempted to walk away from the house, retirement etc because it is so painful to face.
9. Each state has its own laws, so looking at what happens in a different state may be entirely irrelevant.
10. When you litigate, you hand over a ton of power to the judge, who does not know your children or what is best for your situation. Mediation allows you to create something that fits you and works best for your family. You retain control.

The more I work with couples, no matter if they are deciding to stay together or separate, the more I realize how important their ability to “do emotions” is. Acknowledge the feeling. Feel the feeling. Do not interfere with letting the feeling move on, by clinging to it or pushing it away.

People are really anxious at the beginning of relationships.

When a relationship struggles, there are usually feelings of anxiety or distress.

When a couple decides that it is not “worth it,” very often what they mean is that they cannot handle their emotions and the work involved in coping with their personal demons is not worth the payoff.

​Frequently, after this happens, one of the two comes to me and we work through distress tolerance exercises. To be in relationship is to deal with stress and insecurity. To be in successful relationship is to give and receive reassurance.

I am a hopeless (hopeful) optimist and I believe that love is absolutely worth it, when communication is good.

Perhaps another blog will highlight just how much we over value talking rather than listening. Listening for understanding is the key to communication. It is very reassuring and helps to know one another on deeper levels.

​6 ways to prepare to glide through mediation

1. Inform yourself about mediation
2. Read about your mediator
3. Inform yourself about retirement issues, with a financial person
4. Read about child custody, the impact on children and on you
5. Read about child support and what to expect, so that your emotions are in check
6. Read about spousal support

​4 points to “get it over with” faster:

There are phases that people go through when separating and divorcing. Some can be really rough and some can be really slow. There’s no rushing in some areas. Let’s focus on what is in my control.

What’s in my control is my attitude and my response, at least most of the time. What attitude do you want to have and to project as you are going through this part of your life? Think it through and choose behaviors that match.

Coping with pain is a must. Mostly emotional pain and while some of it is acute and intense, much of it is lasting pain, aching loneliness, withdrawal from touch and cuddling and feeling alone, along with missing the children and if your ex got the friends, missing them. You may or may not want to share this, so that determines who is available to support you. Reaching out for help from a wide variety of people is a winning strategy. Realizing that you have to meet your own needs (and the fact that your friends are not reaching out to you) and if your needs are not met, you have to switch strategies, means you have moved out of the victim role. Get into counseling individually. Go to yoga or meditation or something that allows you to sit with pain that will not go away right away. We call this “distress tolerance.” Getting a hobby, distracting yourself from the emotional pain, staying busy with work are helpful in the short run. In the long run, you need to be facing the pain directly and directly changing what you are doing so that your life is balanced. Many, many people start dating almost immediately because they think that will reduce their pain. In reality, dating has changed since you were last dating and it is confusing and painful to many people.

Serenity Prayer- popular in 12 step groups- Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

​Finally, remember who you are, your purpose; your reason for being here. When things get really tough, come back to this and it will get you through.

Being with your children
Let your interests, your purpose, your vision of being co-parents for the benefit of your children guide you.
This helps you create a new solution or choose a good option. Think of what needs your children have in this whole process and how out of the loop they were.

The divorce decisions are often made without their input at all.

Their needs do supersede yours. That said, your needs matter, as do the needs of your ex.

In co-parenting decisions, we take into account the needs of the children, parent 1 and parent 2. Ideally, we look for a solution that is win-win-win. Make your decision with the highest good of all as your goal. This is the best possible win-win (google “Nash Equilibrium” for more info on this concept).

If someone “loses” it affects everyone in this long-term relationship. Invest the time in negotiating to get the best possible long term co-parenting relationship. Above all, avoid the win-lose mentality.
 
EMPATHY-Consider looking at a typical week right now:
Where are the children every day, every hour? What are their needs? Put yourself in their shoes, in their mindsets. What emotional/psychological needs might they have? Let your decision meet their needs first, without trampling on anyone else’s needs.
 
How will you look back at this agreement in 6 months or 5 years? What needs to change as time goes on for this?

Teen years, college, move out, joining scouts, theatre, sports etc. The goal is to negotiate this once and stay out of court , so you retain full control.
 
Drop off or exchange of the children can be split 50/50; one person does the driving, one person never goes to the other person’s house, kids walk, bus, meet at the local grocery store to swap.
 
Consider a transition time with the kids. They will usually resist going with the other parent. This does not mean they hate that parent or that anything bad is happening. Does not mean the parent is poisoning the children’s mind or turning them against you. Transition time in some families is going out to eat. “Every time I pick you up from mom’s place, we will have a sit down dinner together at a local diner. We will reacquaint ourselves and have no TV distractions. It is just time to catch back up. By the time we get back home, people are feeling okay.” “We never used to have transition time and when the kids got to my place, they were like animals. Their emotions were out of control, they were acting out and my patience ran thin within minutes. I knew they were testing their limits and my limits. I knew they were suffering and just needed reassurance and connection. Once I was able to listen for their needs, I was able to reduce the chaos immediately.”
 

Discipline is consistent between the two houses. We predict what ways they will break rules and why and work with them to meet their needs. Breaking rules just means they used a strategy that was unsuccessful in meeting their needs. We have similar expectations to limit their confusion. Kids benefit most from consistency of philosophy and carrying through. One parent is almost always harder and the other is almost always, by definition, softer. Kids will test boundaries more, making life a challenge, if you are not consistent. They thrive on consistency.

​At a time when you may be nursing your own wounds, it is paramount to look out for their needs!

​How to Prepare for Mediation
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Hint: Consider writing down every penny you actually spend for 1-2 months. This often helps people realize that the numbers they came up with on their budget are fictional. You may wish you could only spend $100 a week at the grocery and realize that you actually spend quite a bit more.
 
One of the best things you can do in this process is listen. Believe it or not, this is hard during the mediation process and if you can practice it here, it will help in the future with co-parenting decisions. If you want to learn more about listening on your own check out “Ury Listening” YouTube
 
Thoughts that are not helpful during this process:
“She made me angry.”
“He made me sad.”
Reason: You giving away responsibility for your emotions.
Remember-you are responsible for how you feel. The other person may influence you. If you feel a certain way, it is your responsibility for getting to that feeling. It is also your responsibility for dealing with your feelings. If you are angry, it does not justify bad behavior on your part. It does not justify punishing your partner. If you are angry, chances are that your needs were not met. Your needs, like your feelings, are your responsibility. Meet as many needs as you can and ask others to help you meet the others.
 
“He won’t meet my needs.”
Reason: You can request that someone else meet your needs; ultimately your needs are yours. If your needs were not met, do something different to meet them, rather than blame someone else for not meeting your needs.
 
“She did that because …”
Reason: As soon as you start assuming something or guessing someone else’s motivation, you are on shaky ground, unless you are psychic. (You probably knew I was going to say that.) If you have a guess, take full responsibility for your communication, “My guess is that you did that because…” and then ask the person if you are correct in your assumption. That way you are owning it as a guess and calibrating your ability to mind read.

How to Prepare for The Emotional Aspects of Mediation

Emotional self-care is vital right now. Many people struggle with sleep, losing weight and depression at this stage.

Please exercise, eat right, socialize with people who love you, get counseling and talk to yourself with love and respect. How balanced is your life- social, emotional, physical, spiritual, work, hobbies, family, mental etc.?

Think about preparing for a marathon and then double the distance- that is what this process can be like. It is a slow, long process; this separation and divorce thing. You must take care of yourself if you want to be successful.

Think about children’s needs for consistency. Consistent rules and expectations, bedtimes, routines etc…

Think about your needs. Unmet needs are likely what got you here.

Think about your needs because they matter to you and ultimately you want your needs met and you are modelling this for your children. Ask for your needs to be met, not at the expense of the needs of others.

You are going to talk quite a bit about what works best for all involved regarding the children and when they stay with you, how you drop them off etc. Put yourself in your children’s shoes. They are likely going to forget homework, sports equipment, toys, books etc. at your ex’s place. They’re likely going to, at some point, wake up not remembering what day it is or whose house they’re in. Some kids talk about this and some avoid talking about it like the plague. Put yourself in their shoes- they had absolutely no say in this, yet they are affected by it. It feels unfair to many kids, as if their needs do not matter.

Think about what is best for them in terms of spending time with each parent, communicating with each parent. Talk to friends who have been through this and ask them to walk you through how it affected the kids and the adults.

What strategies did they use to cope with their own pain and the pain of their children?

What schedule would work best for your children?

What options do you have?

​What have other people done that worked?

​How to Prepare for Mediation
(Alternative Title: How to Minimize Time in Mediation and Therefore Cost)

People prepare differently. Make sure you prepare the best way for your particular style.

My style is to read as many books as possible until I feel comfortable making a decision. I’ll read articles and delve deeply into it. I put myself emotionally into a situation via visualization, as well. Then, when I experience the situation, it is as if I can be more present. I don’t have to overthink, I can just be.

Prepare yourself emotionally for mediation. It has some similarities to counseling except the goal is different. You are not trying to work things out to get back together, in mediation. You are preparing for your new life, new ways of relating to one another.

The forum of mediation helps you have a level playing field. If you had a hard time communicating, the mediator will help you move toward the mutually described goal- usually with the children’s best interests as the guiding light.
By this time, many people are “done” with their partner.
Emotionally exhausted, seeing the light at the tunnel, they let down…
Some people stop fighting and just want to be done, just want to walk away and not have to deal with the other person. The danger in doing this is emotional reasoning- giving up and not making great decisions. The decisions you make now are going to affect you for a long time. Give them the time they warrant.

Don’t walk away from large amounts of money or things without really considering it. Five months from now and five years from now, you will look at the situation very differently than you look at it now.

Maybe bounce it off a trusted friend who has the benefit of emotional distance from your situation. Make sure your lawyer thoroughly reviews what you have agreed to in mediation, in order to make sure you are not giving away too much.

These meetings can be emotional. Tissues, crying, bargaining are common. Often the ambivalence comes back at the beginning. Almost no one wants a divorce. They are painful, messy and affect everyone involved.

No one wants to be married and trapped in a situation that is awful, either.

Prepare yourself for second guessing your decision. Your friends and family might be second guessing you.

Prepare yourself for guilt about hurting your children by separating, hurting your spouse, for not being able to see your children as often as you do now.

​Prepare for possible anger at your spouse “for doing this to me.”  Letting go is one of the hardest things on the planet. You got this. You can do this.