​Do I want you to know the real me?

The inner struggle is between getting to know me, me getting to know myself, and what do I project into the outside world? 

Do I exile parts of myself that I do not like? For example, imagine as a young child she felt very vulnerable. Someone told her that she was too needy. That probably happens in peoples’ lives more than once. By the third time that someone said that she was too needy, she made the decision to not have needs. 

At that point in her life, not having needs seemed like a good idea. When someone judges her for who she really is, she learns that who she is is not acceptable. 

So she exiles a part of her that has needs. She learns not to rely on other people. She learns to not ask for her needs to be met. 

Later in life, when she decides that she should ask to get her needs met, someone chooses not to meet those needs or tells her that she’s too needy again. 

It reaffirms that she should not have needs. Now someone says, “be vulnerable with me. You can share your needs with me. “

There is no way that she’s going to trust that. She has learned to have a tough exterior, to be a tough person, to show her tough side, not her warm and fuzzy side or vulnerability. 

That is a part of her that is acceptable and that people like, she has been telling herself.

That’s what she’s going to show the world. She’s not gonna show the soft, warm and tender side of herself. She might show glimpses of it. But it frightens her and makes her think that she will be rejected or taken advantage of. 

Why would she willingly show somebody a part of her that would create rejection?

​“I want you to know me and I want to know you”

Everyone says the above. Everyone would like to believe that they mean it and it’s accurate. 

Imagine that your significant other is psychic. Do you want them to know you all of you, all your thoughts, inside and out? Literally , all of you? Or does intimidate you a little bit?

Can we tone down the statement or make it more accurate or use a dimmer switch? “I want you to know the parts of me that I want you to know. “

That would probably be a more accurate statement.

“ I want you to know me the parts that I like about me and I want you to like the parts that I like. I don’t want you to know if the parts of me that I do not like. I do not like them and I judge myself harshly. My guess is that you’ll judge me harshly for the same things that I judge myself harshly about. Therefore I would like you to know me and I would like you to know those bad things at a later date, and still love me. “

“The thought of you knowing that now is overwhelming. When you know me, well enough, then you can know the bad side of me. I feel comfortable that my good sides will outweigh the bad. Just not yet. “

So really, do I want to know me? 
That is the better question. 

Can I accept all of me? 
Can I be OK with you liking me even when I have these bad sides?
Can I like myself if I am not perfect? 
Will I allow you to love me if I am imperfect? Do I need to hide who I am and in order for you to like me? 
Do I need to hide who I am, from my own self, in order to like myself?

​Any thoughts?

Can we acknowledge that there is something concerning happening in the divorce mediation field? Can we also agree that there is enough work for all mediators if we all do our part to grow the pie?

Whoever it is that is pitting mediators against one another, please stop doing that.

Stop pretending that there is one right way to do mediation or one correct degree or philosophy.

It hurts our field, confuses our clients, our sources of referral and creates unnecessary conflict, which has a degree of irony.

There is a way to market yourself and your background ethically and I encourage differentiating yourself as part of that strategy. Prospective clients should know the pros of your background and your particular bias.

For example, when I market my services, I highlight my many years working with couples going through conflict without resorting to hostility, struggling with the question of divorce and how to tell the children. I highlight my ability to be impartial and show empathy.

​Any thoughts?

Emotional Availability

​Think about how good it feels to connect with people you love. It could be family or friends or a romantic partner…

When someone is going through a struggle, they are simply not available emotionally. Heck, even at our best, we are emotionally available roughly 50% of the time according to Gottman. That might be optimistic.

Now, the person who is available might not have all the necessary skills polished and the other person might not be available at that same time. Or maybe not physically available…

Yet, we all want to connect and feel disappointed when we don’t connect. It can be so frustrating to not get what we want when we want it.

The Takeaway: Don’t set yourself up by expecting more than what is possible. 

I want you closer. Not that close. A little further back. Now closer, now further away. Now I am busy, so don’t bother me. Now I want deep emotional sharing, now I need space.

Leave me alone, but don’t leave the house or go out with friends. Spend time with me, but I am going to be on my phone, and computer, and texting and checking Facebook and Instagram etc.

Did I mention this all happened within a 24 hour period of time? As someone’s feelings shift and as they go to bed, or to work or out for a walk, their needs change. We generally want different things at different times. We are not consistent from day to day, hour to hour and we all give mixed messages. We all do. We do…

This is why it is important to clarify and to ask for your needs to be met. What are my needs for intimacy right now?

How close do I want to be?
Can I meet my needs without trampling on your needs?
Can I be okay with the fact that I am going to be inconsistent?

When we were thinking about people's words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people-we're not with them.
 
The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholy present with the other party and what they're experiencing. 

​Put your attention on what's going on with them and increase the likelihood of your not taking the message personally. 
 
What is he needing that he's not getting?
 
Focus on what he needs, not what he's thinking. You'll find people to be less threatening if you hear what they need rather than what they're thinking about you. 
 
Focus on what they're needing and ask "are you unhappy because you need…"
 
When paraphrasing, ask for the speakers reality, not simply for information. 
Thank you once again, Marshall Rosenberg PhD and NonViolent Communication

​Chaung- tzu 
"True empathy requires listening with the whole being. The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind.
 
Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.” 
 
"It  demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you." Martin Buber 
 
Simone Weil "The capacity to give attention to one who suffers is a very weird and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle. Nearly all those who think they have the capacity do not possess it. "
 
"Instead of offering empathy, we tend to instead give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, on the other hand requires us to focus for attention on the other person's message." P 92

​To continue with Marshal Rosenberg’s NonViolent Communication: Our requests are received as a demand when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. 
 
When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission and rebellion. 
 
If seen as coercive, then the listener's capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished. 
 
To tell if it's a demand or request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with -it is a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
 
The more we interpret non-compliance as rejection, the more likely a request will be heard as a demand. 
 
This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, for the more people hear demands, the less they enjoy being around us. 
 
"Would you be willing to set the table? " rather than " I would like you to set the table."
 
However, the most powerful way to communicate that we are making a general request is to empathize with people when they don't agree to the request. 
 
We demonstrate that we are making a request rather than a demand by how we respond when they do not comply. Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we do not engage in persuasion until after we have empathized with what is preventing the other person from saying yes.

Asking for reflection or clarification page 74  
NonViolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg PhD

Gottman talks about the need for clarification and how important it is to reducing conflict. Rosenberg gives the words that might really facilitate this process.

"I am grateful to you for telling me what you heard. I can see that I did not make myself as clear as I would've liked, so let me try again. "

When I emphasize the importance of our ability to ask for reflections, people often express reservations -they're worried about reactions like "What , do you think I am Deaf?" Or "Quit playing your psychological games. "

We can explain to people ahead of time why we may sometimes ask them to reflect back our words. 
 
We have the option to focus on the listeners feelings and needs and ask them either out loud or silently to ourselves "Are you saying you're feeling annoyed because you want respect for your ability to understand things? "
 
After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know what the listener is feeling ; what the listener is thinking or whether the Listener would be willing to take a particular action.

"I would like you to tell me what you think about what I just said."

 "I would like you to tell me how you feel about what I just said, and your reasons for feeling as you do. "
 
NVC requires that we be conscious of the specific form of honesty we would like to receive, and to make that request for honesty in concrete language.