Your brain is so incredibly powerful. You can program your brain for success, if you know how. Try these suggestions, when you are relaxed, and pay attention to what happens.
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Having a day where your gratitude is low?
"Notice every little thing that goes well today. When you walk out of my office- focus your attention on that. "
 
Having a conflict and need to be a better version of yourself for it to resolve?
"Have you ever had the experience of transformation, empathy, compassion? Call that to mind right now."
 
Feeling lonely or just low?
"Call to mind a time when you felt understood and felt loved, connect, cared for, helped, and felt understood , bounced back after a let down or negative emotion."

When you recall these, pay attention to what happens with your mood. We can enhance your mood by focusing your attention on certain things. This is one of the reasons why just complaining and not changing the focus, doesn't help your situation.

​Many couples have at least one partner who shoves emotions down. They learned to do emotions that way or maybe no one taught them, they picked it up from TV and the movies.
 
When people don’t share emotions, it is not like they go away, they just come out sideways.
They might not speak up or not do nice things or say nice things. Sometimes, they might not even want to talk to you.
 
Different people express their love, and receive their love, in different ways. It might be through a back rub or a foot rub. Or if they are hurt, they won’t tell you.
 
Not every partner is looking for deep conversation or even deep connection. You might be desperately attempting to connect and they feel satisfied at the current level of connection. Talking about these differences is vital.
 
Some people prefer to have fun and skip the heavy conversation. For others, the deep conversation is the connection they long for. So “don’t take life too seriously, but have some depth to your conversations” might be one way to compromise on this.
 
Gottman talks about the bidding process. You are asking someone to acknowledge that you spoke, that you exist, that you are not invisible. When people acknowledge these bids, it feels good and increases the odds of staying in relationship.
 
What would you guess happens when someone has repeatedly attempted to connect and their partner doesn’t accept the attempts?

​Are you emotionally connected to yourself? To your partner?
Are you depressed?
Are you angry?

Be self aware- what is it that you need for yourself right now?

Ask your partner what they need.

Sometimes it is as simple as being understood. Maybe it is sitting in silence on the couch watching a movie until the mood passes.

You cannot be emotionally connected without emotions, so tune in there
Tune in to your attitude and how it matches your partner.
Do you match your partner's breathing and other non verbals?
Tune into how you are matching one another with behavior and use of words.

Do you want your partner to contact you and are unwilling to ask for it?

Go into full empathy mode repeatedly in your time together.
 
This is the “work “ people talk about when they say relationships are hard work.
 
Do this process over and over and you stay attached and attuned. Tune out and you lose the connection.
 
Pay attention to this and when you realize you’re day dreaming, tune back in to their feelings, attitude and body language again. Over and over again...

Integrity

She asked him what he meant, when he told her that he questioned her integrity.

"If I say I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. If I say that I like you and I have your back, that's what I mean.

I follow through.

If I tell you something, it is true. I have really high standards and I expect you to keep your word, to be honest and have integrity even when it is difficult. If your emotions get strong, I still expect you to do what you promised. I expect you to grow and push your limits.

You are simply not my caliber and I will not tolerate that."

​In my office, I hear couples talk to one another and most are respectful most of the time. Most try to persuade ethically and some have blind spots about their logic. Blind spots in this case means they don’t see that what they are doing isn’t working.
     Consider also social media and fuzzy logic you might see there. I find it better to be able to name the fallacy so then you can help the person make their point better rather than be rude or attacking. We can disagree without being disagreeable. If you have a good point, a point that is better than mine, and you make your point with logic, I would prefer to hear it and go from there.
     I think it is time to go back to teaching logic so the next generation can reason through the issues they will face and not fall for the logical fallacies. I challenge people reading this to look at problems with logic and make sure we don’t add to the overall problem. Learn what is logical and what appears to be logical.
     False cause fallacy- You weaken your case when you come to a conclusion without having enough evidence to do so.
     You do it too- Ever hear/read someone make the case that you cannot believe the other person because “they do it too,” pretending that simply because one is a hypocrite, they cannot tell the truth. Be careful when you hear this argument, many get fooled by it.
     Don’t fall for getting distracted in an argument with some sentiment that seems to be relevant but isn’t really on-topic. That’s called a red herring logical fallacy.
   The “Hasty Generalization” fallacy is when someone sees one example and pretends that the one example applies to every situation. Cannot support their claim.
    There is a fallacy when a statement appeals to emotion and distracts from the real issue, urging the person to blindly follow without thinking clearly.
When we teach logic, people are able to think for themselves. We still want that.
     Breaking the speed limit law is not equivalent to killing someone. Likewise, not all lies are exactly the same as the false equivalency fallacy would have you believe.
     When the argument the person is making is strong, weak people attack the person - the ad hominem fallacy.
   The straw man fallacy is when someone pretends the opposing side is making a point that is ridiculous and attacks the pretend point making themselves look better- unless people see through you.
     You made up an argument the other side doesn’t really make and attacked that. You lost integrity when you did that.
     Reasoning fails when limiting options to two - there are more options to choose from. “You’re either for us or you are against us.”
    Unlikely or ridiculous outcomes are likely - there’s just not enough evidence to think so. It takes away your credibility when you use the Slippery slope fallacy.
    Your point is just repeating what they already assumed. You are confirming their bias without any evidence or support. The conclusion is where you started. Circular reasoning
    People will stop believing you when you use logical fallacies. If you can point these out to friends and see through false arguments, then we have a better chance of civil discourse.

​Beware the Bare Minimum Mediator
 
Think about a mediator who is involved in professional mediation organizations, reads mediation books, mediation articles, mediation blogs and gets regular training in mediation. That is someone who “Gets” mediation, values it highly and unlocks the potential of mediation. That’s not a slacker or someone who wants the bare minimum.
 
Compare that to someone who claims to be a “certified mediator” (This is fiction. It does not exist.) and has the bare minimum 40 hours introduction to mediation training and is still doing things in a one-size-fits-all mentality. No matter the person’s professional background, the mindset it vital; that’s where mediation is more valuable than litigation.
 
When is a mediator not really a mediator?
Are they practicing mediation, from a legal perspective, and doing what is referred to as the unauthorized practice of law and pretending it is mediation? You don’t want a frustrated litigator who doesn’t understand that mediation is a completely different mindset. There’s no value in that.
 
I feel badly for attorneys who are new to mediation and try to be a lawyer during the mediation. They don’t get it. They can’t practice law during mediation (it is called the unauthorized practice of law UPL) and they have to override the lawyer mindset. Mediation is outside of the legal system and has more options than the legal system has. Sometimes a new lawyer who is practicing as a mediator has to work extra hard to be a good mediator because of this.
 
My guess is that you are choosing mediation because you want a better service, a service that allows you to do what makes sense to you and your partner that achieves the life goals of your family. You are not looking for legal outcomes that are in direct opposition to your goals. You opted for mediation because it is based on common sense and believing that partners can make better decisions than a judge can make. You opted for mediation because you can cooperate and act in the best interests of your family and you don’t want someone creating a dispute where there was no dispute.

What Are The Emotional Benefits of Mediation?
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Peace of mind that you have done your best for your situation and children
Less likely to argue about petty things
More likely to have an intact long term relationship, which impacts co-parenting
Less animosity post-divorce
Equal playing field during the process
No one has the upper hand in mediation.
Money is saved and conserved for your children, rather than spent on legal fees.
 
How does mediation affect the children?
From the mouths of children:
“Our needs are the focus of the mediation”
“Parents are less likely to use us as pawns”
Parents are less angry at the other parent because no one has the upper hand in mediation
“Less awkward when our parents communicate, so we don’t have to be the parents, we can just be kids”
Parents have had some cooling down time and are more grounded in their decisions
“Parents feel empowered, which they then pass down to us”
“We didn’t really have a say in the whole separation and divorce and both parents are looking out for our best interests in mediation.’

It sets the tone for the future.

Parents are less likely to fight dysfunctionally after mediation.
“We know they don’t always agree and they learn better strategies to get their needs met.”
There is less wounding from the mediation process than from litigation.
Future encounters do not require healing before moving forward
Arguments have a forum wherein they can be discussed.
“My parents know and trust that they can go back to mediation, if needed, to talk through challenging situations. They have confidence that they can resolve pretty much anything, so they feel less desperate.”
Parents are less likely to be preoccupied and thinking about only themselves. Mediation helps them get on with their lives, and our lives, more quickly.
Less money spent usually means less blaming and less guilt for them
“Our parents are less wounded by this process so they can be more loving to us rather than using their energy to heal (more time for us, more money and love for us)”
 
At Boice Mediation, we offer peace of mind, resolution, closure, solutions and hope.

THE MEDIATION PROCESS
General Process
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· Initial intake – Lasts about an hour. Informational, no commitment. All the information is already on my website about the process, how it works and what to expect. (There is no need to do this step if you already know you want mediation and want it with me.)
· Divorce/Separation Mediation is generally, 3-4 sessions, 1 ½ - 2 hours each (can be more or less depending on individual circumstances)
Three main areas to resolve for Divorce and Separation Mediation:

1. Parenting: (if you have Children) Legal custody, physical residency, weekly schedule, holidays, vacations
2. Division of property: Assets and liabilities NYS requires you disclose all facts (income from all sources, assets including; real estate, businesses, retirement, etc. and all debt; mortgages, student loans, co-signed loans, personal loans, credit cards, etc.) NYS standard is Equitable (many couples trade off assets/liabilities) Tax implications
3. Support: Child (NYS Child Support Standards) Spousal (Temporary and Post-Divorce)

 · Writing of Memorandum of Understanding, MoU, is billed between 3-4 hours. NYS requires an agreement in writing for a separation or divorce.
· Review of MoU or other agreement- approximately 1 hour
 · MoU is given to each party and you take it to your attorney.
Note: The attorneys then work together to complete the filings with the court and the judge will ensure it meets the legal requirements to grant a divorce.
Payment requirements
· Payment is per session. Payment is due at each session.
Communication/ Neutrality
 · Communication must be known to all parties to avoid implication of non-impartiality. Emails must be copied to all parties involved.
· Substantially fair agreements
· Confidentiality
· Informed choices and decision making