Your partner is feeling stressed and you want them to feel less stressed. How do you help them?

​Quietly- relax yourself. Get yourself mellow by breathing more deeply and slowly. (Mirror neurons help the other person feel relaxed when you are relaxed.)
Remind yourself, “It does not matter” several hundred times
Tap your left then right hand on your leg- several times (activating left and right brain for balancing thoughts and emotions)
Hum to yourself, then count to five, then hum again (use different parts of your brain to bump the thought out)
Find joy or gratitude for yourself in the situation
 
Actively-
Validate what your partner is feeling “I get why you would feel that way. Tell me more about it.”
“I see your point”
Help them laugh, if they are receptive- do not force them or dismiss their emotions
Do not talk someone out of their emotions or tell them to calm down- not helpful
Ask if they want you to distract them for a few minutes- if yes- have them count backwards or say a phone number backwards, then exhale deeply
Take a walk together
Talk about a walk on the beach when you were visiting Hawaii
Ask them if they want to feel less stressed and ask them to tell the stress to leave, then watch it blow away or evaporate like rain after a storm. Notice how when it evaporates, it is gone, there’s no trace of it. There’s a different feeling in the body where it once was. Ask them to bring back the stress- try really hard and point out they cannot because it is gone.

UPCOMING EVENTS: ​Location is 572 Titus Avenue unless otherwise noted. Space is limited, sign up today-  text Don Boice 585 802-1273 and tell him which offerings you want.
 
-July 10 (Sunday 2-3:30 group one; 4-5:30 group two- both groups learn same topic. Need a babysitter? Have one of you come to group one and the partner come to group two)
Passion Series Intro-First 4 couples who sign up are free ($50 per person value)
Experience the felt sense of being in love and explore how you may be blocking passion in your personal life and in the life of the couple. Ask for what you need directly and honestly, without blaming and without complaining and watch the sparks fly! Recommended reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, Vulnerability YouTube by Brene Brown
 
-July 13 (Weds 6:30-8pm)
Fanning the Flames: Keep the Passion in Your Relationship
at the Brainery- have to sign up through their website- $15 per person
Want to reduce the likelihood of feeling lonely, out of love, like roommates? Learn tried and true ways to build and sustain emotional connection, to regularly kindle warm feelings, get the spark and keep it, deepen emotional intimacy, romantic feelings and physical intimacy. Take home exercises that increase passion and desire for your loved one, using the latest in neuroscience and marriage counseling.
Sign up required through the Brainery website Rochesterbrainery.com

​Oh, one more thing. Confidence
You cannot possibly be confident in everything you do. If you are self-assured, you dance better (or don’t care what anyone thinks about your dancing) engage in conversations, make friends and speak your mind. When you second guess yourself, doubt your choices, you are signaling that you are uptight and unsure of yourself, basically an anxious person. If you are anxious, she will feel that and it doesn’t really feel very good to be around someone who is really anxious- the vibe is uncomfortable. Many women want you to be bold and be the leader (not all women want this) and this is defined by each human being differently. Be yourself. Don’t fake it and don’t be afraid to talk and make suggestions without crossing the line into being controlling.

FEEL GOOD
Flow- My son plays sports and before one game, the teammates were messing around, not taking warmups seriously. Down by two goals very early on, we knew they were not in the zone. They had no flow. They were too relaxed. Normally, I prefer them to be relaxed, but this was below the optimal window. Too stressed and too relaxed are not good for peak performance. After the second goal, they got really angry and nervous and scored 6 straight goals- they entered flow.

What helps get you psyched up for a sport or a performance? These are intended to energize, not relax, you.
Play list of music- for a specific feeling state
Listening to slam poetry
Gary Raser- I am LIMU speech on YouTube
Exercise- until I break a sweat
Good food
Being in the moment
Picturing myself performing really well or winning or both
Self hypnosis
Beating my chest
Dancing energetically with no one watching
Singing
Kicking the soccer ball as hard as I can
Punching bag workout
Drinking a little caffeine
Three fast breaths and a quick exhalation- then return to normal breathing
Telling myself a story about the situation that pumps me up
Repeating a phrase over and over to myself
 
Now think about the above and being on a date.
​How do you get yourself energized? No one wants to be intimate with Eeyore!

How do you want to live your life?
Do you want to be conscious and aware or go through it on auto-pilot?

I want to grab the brass ring, to go for it!

Want to date that woman you’ve been interested in for awhile now? Ask for it directly, without apology. Put the ball in her court. Stop pretending you do not know what it is you want!

I want to be alive until I am dead.
How do I do that?
Live in the moment. Be aware and conscious of your feelings and let them help guide your decisions. You want more out of life? Go out and get it. Stop being so darn passive and go get what you want. Allow yourself to know what you want and take action. If she declines, she declines. It is not yours to ask only when you know the answer to the question- stop playing it so safe, stop being so darn cautious. You are not really protecting yourself because you are not acting in your own best interests.

Be more of you and watch how courage appears!

​Go a little deeper- I can either intellectually figure out what I want (risk over thinking it again- anyone relate to that one?) or I can tune in to my body which is telling me what I want. My body figured it out in a few milliseconds. Allow myself to follow what my body is suggesting. Allow my behavior to match my intention or else risk working at cross purposes!