To change, you need to, well, change. Change how you act when you are afraid, for example. Do not avoid, go into, the fear. Do the thing you fear, especially when your brain is trying to trick you into thinking something horrible will happen.

My job is to hold your hand while you go through it, not take away the fear. My job is to point out the hard truths and hold you accountable for your part.

Think about that next great thing in your life. Got it?

How do make it happen? If it is a dream, not just a p
5 Things You Need to Do

1.       FOCUS- Ask the question you need to ask, listen to the answers, align with the flow. Then ask yourself, "Will it be good for me and for others?"

2.       ALLOW-It is Spring so think about the garden- let it develop and blossom. Don’t forget to be good to yourself while waiting for it to develop and blossom-in the meantime get yourself strong enough to do the next stages. Make sure that you get out of your own way by facing your fears directly. When the times comes, you will be ready.

3.       PLAN- Set specific SMART goals Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely Do this for each goal you have and they are simply easier to meet.

4.       EXECUTE the plan. You have listened to the answer, made sure it fits. You have spent some time with it allowing it to become what it is and you have engineered a plan. You are ready. Now, with laser-like precision, no excuses, no blaming -go out and do it and take responsibility for it.

5.       MONITOR Celebrate and appreciate what you have done, grow stronger for the next round and learn from your mistakes with a solid feedback loop

Sex is really important in marriage. As a couples counselor, it is naturally a common topic. Technique rarely comes up because Cosmopolitan Magazine has that covered, I guess. Check out the TED lecture by Brene Brown PhD on Vulnerability to learn more about revealing yourself.


Here are a few thoughts on Sex inspired by the work of John Gottman, PhD

Sex drive
Three years after the baby’s arrival, men report a desire for sex about three times a week and women once every two weeks -a ratio of 6 to 1. Making time to stay connected emotionally led to more sex between new parents- that means a high frequency of cuddling and other nonsexual displays of physical affection. Want even more sex? Commit to make sex a priority and have close friendships. (Just to clarify, the sex is not with those close friendships.) Do not get all your needs in life met by one person. That is an awesome and terrifying responsibility. Oh, and unrealistic.

Sexual Satisfaction
Women who discussed their sexual feelings with their husbands were five times more likely to be very satisfied than those who did not. I am shocked by how little couples know about one another and what they like/dislike. If you cannot talk about sex and what you like/want or prefer, get help. The assumptions we make about one another are often outlandish. Not sure? Ask.

Sexual Affairs
Affairs are usually not about sex. Am I still interesting to someone? Does someone like me? Can I connect?

No Sex
15% of heterosexual couples over the age of forty-five simply stop having sex. Usually it is the man who loses interest. (This could be its own separate blog entry.) Address this in an honest and loving way. Withdrawal of sexual intimacy is usually wounding. Not talking about it is even more wounding.

  Relationship Killers
Deception (for example, not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection that seems unavailable from the partner

We have all heard of an affair. We have all had a friend who wasn't quite "loyal."

Within a marriage, it is debateable what is "loyalty."
I see it as someone is looking out for my needs versus their own needs. Is my spouse's need more important than my need? Well, yes, sometimes it is and sometimes it is not. If her needs are always more important or very often more important, than we do not have a "we." This can get sticky with entitlement thinking. I am entitled to my spouse's ___________. That doesn't work well. Instead, we express our needs and preferences. The spouse takes those into consideration and prioritizes. If my preferences always lose, then we have some conversations.

Many of my clients say they do not feel like a priority to their spouse. The job is first or the kids come before the spouse. Rounding out the top items are Bowling and Golf, and the in-laws.

How else does someone show that they are not loyal?
Being unfair, lying, cheating, being cold and simply looking out for themselves. Remember, we are partners.

Someone accused me of being unromantic (not my wife) about this. "Don, why would anyone ever get married if it is this tough and this fraught with turmoil?"

Here are several benefits of a "good enough" marriage:
Mutual trust allows for greater partnership
Deeper love allows friendship to blossom and intimacy as well.
Reduces stress
Companionship
Someone with whom to share the duties
Someone who listens

There are more. Anyone want to list a few?