​Look at power and how you share power in a relationship- father daughter, wife-husband, siblings, coworkers- do you share power at work but not at home?

Do you act like a dictator and expect them to submit?
What is your relationship to authoritarianism?

This will play out in your intimate relationships and you won’t like how it ends.

Let’s strive for sharing power with your partner, that’s what healthy partners do.

They make decisions together, using Bayes Rule to achieve a Nash Equilibrium.

Let’s be honest, not everyone wants a partner.
Some people want to dominate the significant other and they want someone to do the yuck chores, the bad jobs, the undesirable and they want to reap the rewards.

Look at how someone is a boss at work and if they ask their people to do the undesirable work or if they help out.

This person will be a better partner, more egalitarian, if that is what you are looking for.

We are remarkably consistent in our outlook at work and at home. The authoritarian boss is likely to be an authoritarian parent and authoritarian partner. “Do as I say, not as I do,” is one of their mottos.

They do not share power because they like their position of power over you, and others.

​Play it all the way to the end. When you get in a disagreement. When you really want something and they don’t…how does that play out?

​“Discomfort is not the enemy”
When you get feedback that your body is not comfortable, get more information. Does that mean to stop immediately or there will be an injury? Does that feedback mean that your body prefers comfort and that you can push through it without consequences? Does it mean a minor adjustment? Can you dismiss the discomfort Are you willing to have some discomfort in your life to achieve your goals? What are you willing to sacrifice to get where you want to go? Again, do not push through if that means you injure yourself!
Keep pushing your comfort zone and you will realize that you have more options in life. Distress is part of being alive and learning to live with it makes us stronger. We can bounce back better when we realize it will not harm us.
 
So discomfort wants to come along for the ride? If you feel like you have to avoid or escape it, you will focus too much on it and not on the task at hand. That type of pain is a distraction that you can practice dismissing out of hand. Or you can give it power over you and stop whenever you are not comfortable. I am not convinced that strategy will get you where you want to go.
 
It doesn’t feel comfortable to push yourself, but is comfort your goal?
 
When you feel fatigued, what are you going to say to yourself to continue going?
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Practice doing this during practice, every day. This is your main obstacle.
 
I have control over my breathing and my stride right now. I am focusing where I need to focus.
 I’m noticing and acknowledging discomfort and can let it go now. It is not worth changing anything.
I’ve practiced all season for this. I know what I want.
If I am tired, then so are they. This is the time to push it. I have more in my tank.
What is up ahead?
So that is today’s challenge, huh? I am prepared for this.
The finish line is right there.
We practice specifically for this moment. I’ve got this.
Effort and practice is what will get me there
Discomfort is inconvenient, not a reason to stop.
I can push hard even when I don’t feel like it
It doesn’t matter that I feel tired, my body can do this
I have practiced so hard for this, I know how to push through
I am focusing on the game, the race, performance, event
I do not need to judge this sensation
Let it be until after the race
I can handle this, just keep pushing, I am almost there
I know how to deal with this, because I push it during practice
I got this, I just have to finish now
I’m almost done and I can rest when I am done
One more lap to go
I’m almost there
Focus on what matters, finishing this race
This is just one race, one game, it does not define me
 
Consider picturing yourself during the game, race or event and feeling sensations of fatigue.
 
They will come if you push yourself. Right now, say this “Fatigue is okay to have, it is natural and it is not a signal to stop. It is a reminder to check in and adjust. I am safe, this is okay. Fatigue means that I am pushing myself, as planned and having a good race. The pace is sustainable and hard. That’s a good sign and I know what to do when I feel fatigue. I got this.” Pay attention to how your body responded to that. Adjust the wording to fit you and reassure yourself. Remind yourself in your own words that it is possible and your body will respond.
 
Let’s face it, if you are really pushing it, you are likely to get self-absorbed with pain and then focus internally, when you would do better to focus on something outside of your body (aches and pains), which is a challenge. Create a strategy for when this happens and practice it. Get in a bunch of repetitions so that you don’t become preoccupied with how your body feels.
 
How do you pay more attention to good self talk? You practice it. Any time you notice negative voices, you challenge them. Never let them have free reign.
 

​Can you imagine being taught this in the earlier grades?
Obviously, it applies to music and academics, not just sports. Great DVD by GreatCourses.com called “The Superstar Student” gets into the specifics. We watched in for the beginning of 7th grade.
 
Your pre-season thinking determines your success before the season begins. Your commitment to practice, mental, nutrition, emotional and the physical…
 
Many “work hard” and don’t see great results. “Working hard” is necessary and not sufficient for the type of results you want. How you practice makes a major difference. Your mindset makes a difference.
 
Here are a few hacks from sports psychology and the ultra marathon world Addie Bracy is a great author- Mental Training for Ultra Running-for you to experience and experiment with-to make into mental habits:
 
Noakes talked about “accepting finishing second” and what happens when your brain chooses to challenge for a higher finish. Your brain pushes your body, physiology does not determine the winner. Your brain does.
 
Fatigue symptoms are generated by your brain to convince you to slow down, when you don’t really need to slow down. Your brain is suggesting it, not mandating it, but you might interpret those signals as a “Stop!” If you do, you sacrifice some performance that you did not have to sacrifice.
 
**This is perhaps the most important thing you can practice.
 
Reassess your strategy and make a new one that works for you.
 
Again, if your body is going to get harmed or injured, the smart athlete stops.

​You can predict what will get in your way, right? Come up with a plan for dealing with it. If you cannot control it, come up with a plan for letting it go. That is how you prepare to win, if you value winning.
 
Save your mental energy by making these things habit and they go on auto pilot. That means you have to practice them until they become habit, which usually takes awhile. Start practicing now. Challenge your limiting beliefs now and when they come up during the event, game or race, you know how to deal.
 
 
Can you see how proper practice creates champions? Same thing for work, school, relationships, not just sports.
 
The elite athletes are preparing their minds for this all year round.
 
They practice hard and they push themselves to get used to having discomfort.
 
They know when to stop and they listen to their bodies to avoid injuring themselves.
 
 
Here are ideas of how they challenge their mischievous brain:
They ask -is this a catastrophe or inconvenience? 
How likely is this to happen?
How can I better handle this?
What fear is this bringing up and how can I directly face that specific fear?
What would it take to be brave in the face of this fear?
 
Fear holds us back. It pretends that the limits are lower than they really are.
 
Focus on bravery, confidence, self-love and it influences your feelings.
 
Elite athletes also show themselves a lot of love, which helps them feel good.
That is definitely in your control and not easy to do.
 
Focus on what is in your control if you want to feel more confident.
 
Face your fears directly.
What are you most afraid of in the sport and then this event in this game or race? (Ask the same for school, work, relationships)
 
How is fear holding you back from reaching your potential? 
 
How can you begin to replace your fear with courage?
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Your brain tries to trick you sometimes.
 
Challenge those thoughts:
 
For example, your brain might tell you, “I can’t do this. I’m too far behind. “
Can you challenge your brain by saying, “I got this. I’m going to focus on the things in my control and do my best.”
 
What about when your brain is mischievous and tells you, “I can’t handle it. It is too much.”
Try this line and see if it does the trick. If not, keep challenging it. Do not let that type of message from your brain go without a challenge. “Pain and discomfort are part of life. This is inconvenient and will go away. This is not the type of pain that means stop.”
 
If you were working with a sports psychologist, they might ask you to talk to your unconscious mind and tell it, “Show me all the times I was successful.”
 
Your unconscious mind will go through every memory you have that you do not remember (it is the unconscious) and show you an image or tell you a phrase of that memory.
 
You will have plenty of good feelings from looking at all your successes.
 
To add to the experience, they might tell you to anchor those good feelings.
 
Anchor them to your pinky finger- pinch your pinky finger every time you have a good memory about your successes.
 
During the game or event, if you were to then touch your pinky, you release good feelings immediately. It is unconscious, so it happens fast.
 
Your future you appreciates you putting in the work now, even if you don’t go professional in your sport.

​Put yourself in flow
You know “flow” where you lose time, you are absolutely in the moment and you are absorbed. Set the conditions for it.
 
Set yourself up for success.
 
Manage the physical sensations and thoughts before, during and after practice- and watch how managing it becomes automatic. During a game, it is already a habit. Make it a habit by practicing during practice.
 
I’m feeling stressed right now, how do I cope?
Relaxation techniques that work fast for me include…
Can I use my NLP cue?
Can I use the picture in my head?
Can I tell myself a different story to calm me down?
How can I get my heart rate down 5-10 beats per minute?
 
Before practice or an event
During practice or an event
After practice or an event
 
I’m bored and not stimulated, how do I get myself up a little bit?
 
Can I use good self talk, can I run or exercise to get my heart rate up a tiny bit
 
Before an event or practice
During an event or practice
After an event or practice
 
 
Is what you’re doing working? Change it until it serves you – practice it during practice

​Deal With Triggers Proactively
 
We all get over reactions from time to time. Figure out where you overreact and analyze it. Establish a plan for dealing with emotions when you have time rather than in the heat of the moment. This is true in sports, school, work, relationships…
 
During practice, before practice, after practice
 
Same for a game or race or event…
 
What emotions come up for you that get in your way?
 
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What thoughts are going through your head that interfere with a better performance?
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Continue thinking about these distractions and what you would prefer to focus on (results, tasks, process) and figure it out.
 
How will you deal with these triggers?
 
Do you want your emotions to control you or do you want freedom?
 
You have control over that part of your performance and can instantly improve your performance, simply by doing that.
 
If something from outside of school or the sport is distracting you, consider talking with your parents or a profession or both to help you manage it.

Where do you get strength?
 
Practice, during practice, reminding yourself to get strength right now. Have a plan and literally practice it. These skills and strategies apply to sports, relationships and school, among other things. Try them out and practice them and figure out where else in your life they apply.
 
The reason I push myself in practice so hard is because….
The reason I am doing this sport is…

​Self talk
Imagine how many times in a day we talk to ourselves. Yes, we all do it.
 
Are you saying things to yourself that are respectful? Are you honoring and loving yourself as someone worthy of respect?
 
Keep your self talk positive because there is a correlation between that and high performance in sports, school and in relationships.
 
“I am pushing myself to tolerate distress during practice because it makes me a better athlete.”
“I can do more than I realize. I am convincing my brain.”
“I improve my performance with hard work, positive self-talk and healthy nutrition.”
“I am someone who wants results and knows how to get results and am doing what is necessary to get the results I want.”
“I am not defined by the outcome of this, or any, performance.”
“I am practicing so that I am getting better and stronger and faster and I like how that feels.” Remember that practice entails the emotions, not just the body and the mind.
“When something unexpected happens, I keep my composure and find a solution.”
“I listen to my body when it tells me that something is harmful or could injure me. I listen and evaluate and act accordingly.”
“I know when to push through minor inconveniencing pain.”
“I get back on track quickly, it is not a big deal.”
“This is nothing, I am used to doing hard things.”
“This is only one race, one event, one game- it does not define me.”
 
During the race, event, performance, game, you might start to question yourself. Make sure you have ingrained your motivation, your inspiration.
 

Sport Psychology

​Taking Inventory
We are our own worst enemies. Identify 5 things you do or say that create doubt in yourself.
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Go back and think about your thoughts and feelings right before you got in your own way. Pay attention to how thoughts and feelings impact you. That is within your control, so do something about it. This is written for sport psychology and it applies to school, to relationships as well.
 
 
When you know how you get in the way, identify ways to manage each of those.
 
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Knowing it and what to do is not enough. Make it a habit or it still gets in your way. How will you practice removing the obstacles from your path. The best athletes take inventory, know their weaknesses and strengths and get the weaknesses out of the equation.

Is it possible for me to acknowledge that I am multifaceted?

I jokingly call it “Team Don” and this older self, hopefully wiser and less ego driven, with lower defenses is the spokesperson.

Sometimes, 5 year old Donny comes out and I have to bench him.

I want the wisest and highest part of me to represent Team Don.

Imagine, mid- conversation, if someone said to you, “Hang on a second. I can feel myself getting defensive and my ego is getting in the way. I need a moment to check my ego at the door and lower my walls. I think our conversation will go better if I do that.”

My guess is that most people would see that as odd, perhaps, yet very helpful.

​Try it and let me know how it affected the conversation.