Most humans want more connection and deeper connection. How do we block this natural process?

Pay attention to yourself as you are reading this blog. Do you want to connect? What stops you?

Lack of disclosure erects a wall between the partners. This is a very common block. How can I get to know someone who has a wall up? It feels very lonely to be on the other side of a great big wall. Loneliness and social isolation are epidemic in our society.

Disclosure can be a quick answer to “How was your day?” or it can be a heart to heart talk.

So why do people block? Often the wall is set up to protect a secret rather than to protect the couple.

The wall should be around the partners. Let’s keep the outside world outside. Let’s protect one another.

The wall creates emotional distance which does not make the secret keeper feel better. The wall or defense is meant to make me feel better and I end up more lonely instead. Blocking connection makes me feel worse.

Your challenge this week is, to quote AT&T, "reach out and touch someone." Pay attention to how people respond to you when you attempt to connect.

Have a wonderful week!

  According to John Gottman PhD, in his book -What Makes Love Last?

“Trust is the specific state that exists when you are both willing to change your own behavior to benefit your partner. The more trust that exists, the more you look out for one another. You feel pleasure when they succeed and troubled when they are upset. You just can’t be happy if achieving your payoffs would hurt your significant other. Their happiness is interconnected. They will each change their own behavior to increase the other’s payoffs.”

I call this “having someone’s back.” It means we are in it together. We are equal partners, connected and what she does affects me and what I do affects her.

In his book, which I highly recommend, he talks about betrayals, not just affairs. He talks about the loss of trust and how to get it back, if possible. He goes into Game Theory and maximizing payoffs, perhaps not as romantic as some writers, it is very effective in making love last.

May your love last a long time and may you continue to commit to doing what it takes. It is worth it.

All the best,
Don

I get so relaxed when I am getting acupuncture. Yes, I literally fall asleep while the needles are doing their work. Repeatedly.

They really relax me and this is from someone who doesn’t really care for needles. Does it hurt? Yeah, I guess you could say they do. Kinda pinch is more accurate.

If you knew the type of pain I used to have due to Migraines, you would understand. I would gladly trade an almost painless pinch for that. Plus after acupuncture, I am a nicer person, more relaxed and optimistic.

I love the fact that my Acupuncturist is also an MD and a great guy to boot. He answers my 500 questions patiently. Yes, I look forward to getting acupuncture and the Chinese herbs do wonders for different ailments. He also teaches Qi Gong classes.

No, I can’t really say I fully understand how it works, I just know I feel better and am out of pain. Now that you mention it, I am not really sure how electricity works, either. I don’t have to understand it, though, to know that when I flip the switch, my lights turn on.

If anyone is looking for a great acupuncture experience, I would suggest Dr. Don Londorf (585) 234-0302

www.qihealer.org

How does this relate to Couples? Well, self-care and getting your needs met- really helps with relationships.

Did you know that we have better recall for events that we have not completed than for those we have?

Ever stay awake at night, trying desperately to get to sleep? You can tell your brain is working overtime but you cannot seem to do much about it. Your brain is trying to close the loop.

If a hurt is not properly addressed, it is said to remain accessible in our active memory. When you obsess or ruminate, you are simply trying to close the loop and put it in the “addressed and resolved” pile.

This frequently happens in relationships and it happens at work. We keep going over our process until it makes sense to us, then we can let it go very easily. Until we have reconciled, that same problem haunts us.

Letting go before we have resolved it can be quite a challenge. In a relationship, when this happens, we ask the people if they fully understand the other person’s perspective. If they do, they may need to agree to disagree if they cannot seem to reach resolution or reconciliation.