Blog Archives

Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

2/23/2017

Through it's emphasis on deep listening to ourselves as well as to others, it fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy. It engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart on a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are seeking.

Compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of NVC.

Can you imagine talking to your partner or even someone on the internet, using language that is respectful and raises your chances of getting what you want?

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Compliments and Stereotypes

2/17/2017

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Stereotypes and Compliments

Men have their own way of complimenting and letting people know they like something: “the fact that I am still here means I am okay” is a phrase I hear over and over. It is meant to reassure the woman in his life that he loves her. If he didn't love her, he would not stay. (For the sake of clarity, when the reader sees the word "woman," think feminine.)

"If I choose to complain this time, which I rarely do, it is really bad! I will not tell you when it is good. No news is good news."
Men are prone to under- complimenting. They would do well to remember that men and women have, traditionally, communicated compliments differently. I have repeatedly heard women express the wish that men communicated differently and men express the wish that women communicated differently. In my experience, that wish makes sense and is rarely followed. What would happen if both sides communicated in the way the audience would hear it best? What would happen if we reprogrammed our mind to hear what the person is saying rather than ask a whole gender to change? Each way works. Find the way that works in your relationship.

There is also a catch in praise (there is an article with that title if you want to google it- highly recommend it), in that by complimenting someone, the person complimenting has a demonstrated power over the other. If you accept my praise, absent but implicit is that when I criticize, you will be open to that.

Stereotypically, the female receiver of this communication style is not sure where she stands.

She may prefer knowing ( in her style) that she is doing well and prefer knowing she is not doing well. Ask, rather than assuming she/he likes the style you're using.

Women have their own way of doing this.

A woman supervisor is more likely to tell a subordinate that their work was acceptable- communicating both negative and positive. This style of communication tends to have a different impact on the receiver if it is a man. Some men responded to such a style with confusion. “Why is she telling me this? Obviously, I am doing okay, I don't need to be coddled!”

If you want to read more about this, I will direct you to Deb Tannen, PhD- Talking 9 to 5

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Do You Take Responsibility For Your Feelings?

2/9/2017

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Responsible communication about feelings

"He made me feel unimportant"

You let another person's behavior or words change how you feel about yourself?
The event is not the cause of feelings. The cause of feelings is the meaning you give an event.( Thank you RET and CBT)

No other human being is responsible for your feelings or your reaction. That's on you.

Feelings don't happen to you. If you believe that they happen to you, you're likely giving up more control than you have to.

When you believe that the outside (external ) world is the cause of your emotions, we call that perspective "External locus of control ." This perspective tends to be found in people who had been victimized and may be depressed. The ability to see life from this perspective and then try on the internal locus, can be very helpful. Imagine getting stuck in a mindset wherein you always see yourself as victim, no matter the reality of the situation. Now imagine that you are in control of how you look at your world.

It's like having a new tool, a tool that gets the job done faster and better.

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Bashing Demonstrates Contempt

2/2/2017

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Bashing as contempt
Saying the sentence "Male bashing is not acceptable" started a firestorm. As the conversation continued, it became clear that she defined "bashing " as someone acknowledging that men, in general, do such and such. My definition has a different perspective. I see bashing, shaming, blaming and contempt as corrosive to conversation.

When you say "Women are better than men," you reignite an age old fight. When you indicate that either gender, any race, creed, color is inferior, you run afoul of helpful communication. When you tell me, a man, that all men suck, it doesn't feel good. Superior, smug, better than- are synonyms of contempt. When you said, “I’m just being direct,” you misspoke. That is called “antagonistic,” not direct. Direct would have been you talking about the impact of specific behavior from the person who wronged you. That would have been direct communication.

Acknowledging that the stereotype is that more women than men do x behavior and you don't like that behavior is a different conversation entirely.

How do people show contempt? Criticism is demonstrated contempt. You thinking that you have the right to criticize means, on some level, that you think you are right/better than and that I am wrong. Criticizing someone and then "correcting " them is usually left to bosses, parents and teachers; the people in charge. When you criticize or correct a peer, you stepped over a boundary unless that person asked for it. Unsolicited feedback is never welcome! Your message is likely to be lost because your way of delivering it was not welcome.

Antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. Get in the space where you are looking for the positive and pointing out how you appreciate the person.

For more on this topic, check out John Gottman (in YouTube) Four Horsemen (Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce) Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a book that I appreciate and I have since found a few YouTube videos of his work. There are also a few presentations on SlideShare. Helps us communicate on higher levels and reminds us that we all need to keep practicing to reach higher levels...

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Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Compliments and Stereotypes

Do You Take Responsibility For Your Feelings?

Bashing Demonstrates Contempt

Don Boice
Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.

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Categories

Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Compliments and Stereotypes

Do You Take Responsibility For Your Feelings?

Bashing Demonstrates Contempt

Don BoiceDon Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.

Archives

Categories

Don Boice
Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.