​Wired for Love Tatkin
Chapter 8
 
Fighting well
 
Couples need to learn how to fight well – this means that you and your partner will be happier together, and your relationship will feel more secure. 
 
Fighting well actually strengthens your couple bubble. This is probably the most key to your survival as a couple.**
 
Wave the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, stay in the play zone, read your partner, don’t sweep anything under the table and fight smart.
 
Before you speak, be aware of your tone and volume of your voice. 
 
Understand where your partner is coming from and open the door to a friendly discussion about your respective points of view. 
 
Let your partner know that your love has not been lost in the scuffle. 
 
Use facial expressions that can soothe your partner’s distress. 
 
A smile can communicate more goodwill than words.
 
Help shift your partner away from threat into friendliness. 
 
Staying in the play zone -all mammals use rough and tumble play, especially when very young.
 
No one is a loser in play. The fight is not allowed to get ugly. 
 
There is a tone of playfulness and friendliness. 
 
You know when to retreat, and when to pursue, you know, when to take a time out, and that that is not a loss. 
 
You are in this relationship for the long-haul, you can keep your guard down, even while fighting -because you fight fair.
 
One of the key elements to fighting well is being able to reach your partner, to know in any given moment what year she is feeling, thinking, and intending. 
 
Look at their eyes and how moist they are, are they flinching, is there a smile, or curling of the lips? 
Are you looking at each other? 
Are you moving away from each other into a state of high alert by avoiding eye contact? 
Or you able to accurately read one another?
 
If the only available way to communicate is by text, please understand the importance of immediately sending a strong message of friendliness.
 
Your amygdala is not concerned with maintaining relationships. Just about staying alive. 
 
Amygdalae do not aim for a win-win. 
 
Your higher self says that we both have to feel good about this. I will be happy only if you were happy. We are in this together. We are OK, but what happened is not.
 
This expectation you have of your partner, where did this expectation come from? 
Is it from a previous relationship or have the two of you talked it through? Both agreed to do it?
 
Is your partner expressing self-interest under the guise of what should be good for the relationship?
Are you bullying and blaming?
 
Are you reading and looking for cues of happiness and unhappiness or are you dismissing, disregarding those cues?
 
Giving up is not allowed 
 
Let me be clear that smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. 
 
Engage without hesitation or avoidance, and be willing to relax your own position. 
 
You can go back-and-forth until the two of you come up with something that’s good for both of you. For example, Bayes rule, and Nash equilibrium are very helpful in this. Create something that provides mutual relief and satisfaction.

Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin PsyD
​

​Attached by Amir Levine, MD
​
How do we find someone who can become a secure base? 
 
How can I become that kind of person myself and how can I help my existing partner take on this life altering the rule? 
(That’s what this book deals with.)
 
What are some protest behaviors? 
   Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: calling, texting, emailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by their workplace, 
   Withdrawing, sitting silently engrossed in the newspaper, turning your back literally on your partner, not speaking, ignoring them 
   Keeping score: paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting, just as long to return theirs; 
   Waiting for them to make the first make up, move and acting distant until then.    
   Acting hostile: rolling their eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking, 
   Threatening to leave: making threats “we’re not getting along. I don’t think I can do this anymore.” “I knew we weren’t right for each other.” “I’ll be better off without you” -all the while hoping that they will stop you from leaving 
   Manipulation: acting busy or unapproachable, ignoring phone calls, saying that you have plans when you don’t. 
   Making him or her feel jealous: making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out to a singles bar, telling your partner about somebody who hit on you today. 
 
What can I do about my protest behavior?
Be aware!
    You’re doing protest behavior to try to reestablish contact with your partner, and get their attention. These strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. 
     Recognize them when they happen
   Anxious attachment styles are particularly susceptible to falling into chronically activated attachment system situation. 
    The brains of people with an anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and under recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions. 
    It’s harder to turn off an anxious attachment.
    The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows, and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. 
    Those butterflies mean that you were anxiety-ridden that is not the same as love. 
    Do not let emotional unavailability turn you on. If you were anxious, your ideal person to date would be someone secure -but you’re gonna feel a little bit bored at first because there’s not drama, and that’s good for you.
 
 
You, given your anxious attachment style, have certain clear needs in a relationship. 
 
   If those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. Find a mate who can fulfill those needs. 
    *You need to fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship.*
    You need to know that your needs are legitimate. They’re not good or bad. They’re simply your needs. 
    *Start assessing people you date on the basis of their ability to meet those needs.*
 
                 Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy? 
Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects very early on : 
Are they sending mixed messages about their feelings towards you or their commitment to you?
Do they want an ideal relationship but suggest that it won’t be with you?
Do they want to meet the one, but always find fault in the other person? 
Do they disregard your emotional well-being? 
Do they suggest that you are too needy, sensitive or overreacting or otherwise invalidate you and make you second-guess yourself? 
Ignores things that inconvenience them?
Address your concerns responding to facts, not taking into account your feelings? 
Your messages don’t get across despite your best efforts. 
Are they ambiguous about a relationship and telling you that your emotional needs are not too important to them? 
Be your authentic self and express your needs.
 
Some people are simply incapable of meeting your needs. 
Don’t have any guesswork and if direct with him, he would know exactly what was expected of him.
 
If you have an anxious attachment, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction. 
   You can’t get the person out of your mind. 
   Once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other persons closeness, and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know them and decide whether or not you like that person. 
 
If you’re dating one person at a time, the result is that at a very early stage, you lose your ability to judge whether he or she is really right for you. 
 
If you date multiple people at once, knowing that multiple different people could be a good match for you, You maintain your ability to evaluate potential partners more objectively. 
 
You’re desensitizing your attachment system, and tricking it into being easier on you. 
 
Instead, you will be busy evaluating the availability of a lot of different people and you won’t be as likely to obsess about anyone in particular. 
 
You can easily rule out people that make you feel insecure inadequate, because you have not built all your hopes on them. 
 
You wouldn’t waste your time with someone who is unkind to you when you have several other potential partners lined up. 
 
You’re not afraid of chasing away a rare prospect. You don’t have to tiptoe around or hide your true feelings. 
 
You can see whether they are able to meet your needs before you reach the point of no return.
 
You change your anxious, thought patterns or your working model for relationships. Many people will find me attractive even if they’re not a perfect match. 
 
Unsuccessful dates are not proof that there’s something wrong with me. 
 
When someone acts disengaged or avoidant, it’s easier to move on without losing precious time. 
 
This person is not right for me, the next person might be..
 
**Here’s the caveat -recognize a keeper when you find one. 
 
*Do not make impulsive decisions about whether they’re right for you. 
 
*You might feel bored at first because there’s less drama when your attachment system is not activated.  You might automatically interpret calmness as a lack of attraction. You may appreciate a calm attachment system, and all the advantages that it has to offer.

​Attached Amir Levine, MD
(Page 21) 
People are only as needy as their unmet needs. 
 
When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.** The Paradox of Dependency
 
Our culture seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exulting independence. 
 
We tend to accept this attitude as truth. 
 
The erroneous belief that all people should be emotionally self-sufficient is not new.*
 
Bowlby’s contribution was - infants who had all of their nutritional needs taken care of, but lacked an attachment figure failed to develop normally. They showed stunted, physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development. The connection between infant and caretaker was as essential for the child’s survival as food and water.***
 
Attachment is an integral part of human behavior throughout the entire lifespan.
 
Is it possible that we as couples are looking at dependency from a bad perspective? 
 
Our partner regulates:
our blood pressure, 
our heart rate, 
our breathing, 
and the levels of hormones in our blood. 
 
The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; not a choice or preference.**
 
Dr. James Coan from the affective neuroscience laboratory at the University of Virginia-“When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a higher level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners, if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent? If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend upon, and travel down it with that person.”*
 
That is the essence of attachment theory.
 
If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, a romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we will find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.* 
 
*When our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.*
 
Or partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in the world. 
 
There’s no way around that. They influence: 
how we feel about ourselves, 
the degree to which we believe in ourselves, whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. 
 
Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. *
 
Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive, can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health. 

Attached by Amir Levine, MD
 
(Page 245)
Five secure principles for resolving conflict

1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
4. Be willing to engage.
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs

 
“Your well-being is as important to you as mine is to me. Your well-being is super important to me. Your needs matter to me.” …are the sentiments you want them to hear, if true. 
 
Try assuming the best instead of assuming the worst about your partner during conflict. *
 
A single fight is not a relationship breaker. 
 
Express your fears -if you’re afraid that they want to reject you, say so. 
 
Do not assume that you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. 
 
Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and express your needs. 
 
Do not expect your partner to know what you’re thinking before you tell them. 
 
Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means, ask.

​Attached by Amir Levine, MD
 
If you’re anxiously attached:
   you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotion and think in extremes. 
   You do not expect your partner to respond positively. 
   You perceive the relationship is fragile and unstable, and can collapse at any moment. 
   These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively. 
   When you finally talk to your partner, you often do it in a way that is explosive, accusatory, critical, or threatening. 
   Rather than giving you the assurance you’re seeking, your partner may withdraw.
   After expressing your needs in a way that pushes your partner away you then protest that they moved away, expressing your need for closeness and reassurance by acting out. By doing so, you miss out on all the benefits of this powerful tool 
 
Protest behavior doesn’t give you the opportunity to address your concerns. 
 
Your partner may respond negatively, so you don’t know if they’re responding to your need or to your protest behavior.
 
Often effective communication brings about huge relief by showing you just how strongly your partner feels about you, and by strengthening the bond between you. 
 
**Try not to do the protest behavior.***
(That is the biggest take away for people whose style is anxious attachment.)
 
In some instances, the response may not be what you hoped for and you might be convinced that you ruined everything. It is still worth raising an important issue. 
 
Effective communication helps you to discover that more often than not, the reasons why people behave unkindly towards you have nothing to do with your attractiveness or desirability. 
 
--
If you have a avoidant style, the first step is to acknowledge your need for space, whether emotional or physical, when things get too close, and learn how to communicate that particular need. 
 
**Explain to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting too mushy, and that it’s not a problem with him or her rather than your own need an any relationship, make sure you mention any relationship.**
(This is the biggest takeaway for someone who sees themselves doing avoidant style attachment.) 
 
This should quell their worries and somewhat calm their attachment system. 
They are then less likely to intensify their efforts to draw closer to you which is what makes you uncomfortable. 
 
Thus, there is a better chance yyou will avoid a full-blown pursue-withdrawal dynamic with your partner.
 
With effective communication, you win either way. *
 
If you ignore my request and change the subject, I learn something very important. 
 
I might get a red flag, but it’s based on reality. 
 
This person might not be able to respond to my needs and sensitivities. 
 
Or they will be able to meet my needs and sensitivities. 
 
Either way I get important information.
 
When should you use effective communication? 
   *If you’re anxious, you might need a day or two to calm down before you can respond without overreacting. 
   Make sure that you address the little things because stuffing them down will not work for you if you’re anxiously attached. 
 
   *If you are avoidant, the sure-fire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt. 
   Use your communication to explain that you need some space. 
   “I’d like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to both of us.”
  Make sure that the other person’s needs are also taken care of. By doing so, you’re more likely to get the breathing space that you need.