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Fighting Well As a Couple

1/31/2023

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​Wired for Love Tatkin
Chapter 8
 
Fighting well
 
Couples need to learn how to fight well – this means that you and your partner will be happier together, and your relationship will feel more secure. 
 
Fighting well actually strengthens your couple bubble. This is probably the most key to your survival as a couple.**
 
Wave the flag of friendliness at the appropriate time, stay in the play zone, read your partner, don’t sweep anything under the table and fight smart.
 
Before you speak, be aware of your tone and volume of your voice. 
 
Understand where your partner is coming from and open the door to a friendly discussion about your respective points of view. 
 
Let your partner know that your love has not been lost in the scuffle. 
 
Use facial expressions that can soothe your partner’s distress. 
 
A smile can communicate more goodwill than words.
 
Help shift your partner away from threat into friendliness. 
 
Staying in the play zone -all mammals use rough and tumble play, especially when very young.
 
No one is a loser in play. The fight is not allowed to get ugly. 
 
There is a tone of playfulness and friendliness. 
 
You know when to retreat, and when to pursue, you know, when to take a time out, and that that is not a loss. 
 
You are in this relationship for the long-haul, you can keep your guard down, even while fighting -because you fight fair.
 
One of the key elements to fighting well is being able to reach your partner, to know in any given moment what year she is feeling, thinking, and intending. 
 
Look at their eyes and how moist they are, are they flinching, is there a smile, or curling of the lips? 
Are you looking at each other? 
Are you moving away from each other into a state of high alert by avoiding eye contact? 
Or you able to accurately read one another?
 
If the only available way to communicate is by text, please understand the importance of immediately sending a strong message of friendliness.
 
Your amygdala is not concerned with maintaining relationships. Just about staying alive. 
 
Amygdalae do not aim for a win-win. 
 
Your higher self says that we both have to feel good about this. I will be happy only if you were happy. We are in this together. We are OK, but what happened is not.
 
This expectation you have of your partner, where did this expectation come from? 
Is it from a previous relationship or have the two of you talked it through? Both agreed to do it?
 
Is your partner expressing self-interest under the guise of what should be good for the relationship?
Are you bullying and blaming?
 
Are you reading and looking for cues of happiness and unhappiness or are you dismissing, disregarding those cues?
 
Giving up is not allowed 
 
Let me be clear that smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. 
 
Engage without hesitation or avoidance, and be willing to relax your own position. 
 
You can go back-and-forth until the two of you come up with something that’s good for both of you. For example, Bayes rule, and Nash equilibrium are very helpful in this. Create something that provides mutual relief and satisfaction.
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Can Addiction be a "Third"?

1/30/2023

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Many couples treat their compulsive behaviors or addictions as third.  
Sex and pornography, flirting, gambling, food, social networking, shopping and spending, cleaning or hoarding, compulsive need for a alone time, compulsive need to socialize, and many more.
 
Always make your partner number one. See and do things to remind your partner that they are number one. **
 
If your partner feels confident that he or she is number one in your eyes, it is much harder for thirds to pose a threat.**
 
We assume the partner knows they are number one and doesn’t need reminders. 
 
Do not shy away from thirds. Our friends and other activities enrich our lives. Don’t avoid or minimize contact, find healthy ways to bring them into your twosome. 
 
If you and your partner are unified and secure with one another, your children, extended family, guests, and even pets will naturally attune to you. How you are with each other will rub off on them. 
 
it is the two of you who set the tone when you’re all together. 
 
Everyone benefits from a couple who are secure in their bubble.
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Attachment "Thirds"

1/27/2023

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Tatkin
Wired for Love
Chapter 7
 
“Outsiders” means anything beyond the two of us.
 
Can we agree on how to include people who are not in this relationship, outsiders? 
 
Think about the relationship with you and your mom. Your father gets home from work, and he is the third. You and mom are the relationship until dad gets home. The instant he is home, there are three of us. Will you scooch over and incorporate the third person?
 
A third can be a child, in-laws, friends, teammates, coworkers,
 
Couples who handle thirds poorly, typically do so before they even enter into the relationship.
 
How well does this couple incorporate their primary partner?
 
Do they marginalize their primary partner? Do you take your sister’s side over your partner’s side? Do you call your father for help when your partner just offered the same help?
 
Are you more together with your family of origin than your partner?
 
Are you more wedded to your alcohol than to your spouse?
 
Is it you and the children against your partner?
 
Are you the “go to” for the other person?
 
Are you dedicated to your partner’s safety and security? Physical and emotional
 
Do you have a true “couple bubble”? 
 
If you broke it, how did you learn to break the couple bubble? Was that from your parents? Did they model it or are they currently trying to get in between you two?
 
“Time spent with my books, work, a hobby, or an addiction, feels safer and more relaxing than time with a partner, if I am not feeling secure.” Does that statement resonate with you?
 
In your primary relationship, do you feel left out, lonely, insecure, or threatened?
 
Do you feel like your children dethrone you at a moment’s notice? “The kids come first,” leads to more divorces than people realize. You can still help your kids meet their needs and be a couple first. They are not mutually exclusive. Putting your partner first does not mean your kids are neglected. It means you recognize the power of the “couple bubble” to be better partners, parents, protectors and providers.
 
Having a third is not a problem.
The problem is when one partner gets marginalized or takes on the role of third wheel.  They become sidelined or put on the bench.
 
Am I (as part of the couple) demoted or downgraded as a result of the third? Then I will hate that person or thing, is common.
 
“It kills me that you’d rather have your dad here than me.”
“It is painful that you do anything for the kids and it feels like you ignore me.”
 
At this point could you imagine if this couple reassured one another instead of escalated the aggression.
 
“How do we successfully include your father in our relationship? I let my father in and chased you out.”
 
Is it you and me versus the world? 
 
When you were at a party or a family get together do you use the seating to split yourselves up? Do you do the same at the dinner table?
 
Do you ask what the other person needs from you and meet their needs?
 
Do you congratulate each other for a job well done when it is over?
 
Are you truly together as a couple and the person’s go to?
 
Are we a team?
Do we have one another’s back?
Are we unified?
Are the children calling the shots, pitting the parents against each other, making both mom and dad into third wheels?
 
At no time does either partner make the other a third wheel, demote, or devalue the other person’s position of authority, or forget to provide soothing and support. The children pick up on this and feel warmly included.
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The "Couple Bubble"

1/26/2023

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Wired for Love
Tatkin
The “couple bubble”
 
Different styles look at the couple bubble differently. Can you agree to your partner to be available 24/7?  
 
Is that something that appeals to you and your partner?
 
Do you feel more loved and secure when that’s available?
 
We would not ask that of anyone else, and nobody else would want to do it for us.
 
The availability works both ways. It can feel burdensome at times, but the effort is well worth the trouble.
 
People who expect one another to be available 24 seven are high maintenance and should be considered high maintenance.
 
What I mean here is that each person is willing to go the extra mile for the other.
 
They’re willing to put in the highest level of effort possible, for the mutual benefit. They’re willing to give freely, knowing they will receive the same in return. 
 
Partners who create and maintain a tether to one another experience more personal safety and security, have more energy, take more risks, and experience overall less stress than couples who do not.
 
You are able to operate together in ways that are greater than if you each lived as essentially separate individuals. 
 
I am always here for you. You can talk to me about anything anytime.
 
Signal to each other that you need the other person‘s attention and the signals do not have to be verbal.
 
You can take your partner’s hands in yours. You can give a certain look or gesture to communicate that I need your full attention or I have your full attention.
 
Please recognize your need to be tethered to another human being.
 
It may seem too threatening at first blush. Don’t be fooled, if you have a lot of people you can rally to your support you do feel secure, but you don’t have the same expectations as a go to person.
 
What do you actually want and need from your primary go to person?
 
Are you able to share and discuss all the feelings, worries, concerns, doubts, as well as the joys and emotional highs?
 
Can you share old secrets and memories?
 
Can you reveal crushes, infatuations and fantasies?
 
Are you available 24/7 even if it seems trivial?
 
Do you bid for one another’s attention and respond?
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Your "Go To" Person

1/25/2023

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Stan Tatkin Wired for Love
Ch 6 
The most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who is interested, and who cares.**
 
This is our go to person, the one individual we can always count on to be there for you. This is perhaps the most valuable gift you can give your partner. In early childhood, our go to person, hopefully was our primary caregiver.
 
In adulthood, the go to person should be our primary partner. 
 
It is equal and mutual and symmetric. The idea of tethering is problematic for people who have an anxious attachment or avoidant attachment. If you are an island, you probably don’t believe much in tethering. 
 
You’re good by yourself, and others can be a bother.
 
“Island” is avoidant attachment.
 
“Wave” is anxious attachment.
 
if you are a wave, anxious attachment, you believe in tethering, but it might be rather childish, or one way. I want to be tethered, but I don’t expect it in return or can’t give it in return.
 
Couples who make it beyond the courtship phase and into a more secure, settled phase, have a more active Rafeh nucleus, where serotonin is produced. 
 
This phase is easily reached by people who have a secure attachment. They were able to readily calm down and relax with one another.
 
People with anxious or avoidant attachment have a harder time calming down and relaxing with other people. They struggle with how to tether to their partner. Did not easily and willingly serve as go to people for one another. There is an imbalance in the give and take. Yes, this is rooted in childhood experiences and is changeable with new experiences that challenge what we learned growing up.
 
“As an adult, I get to choose which relationships I am in.”
 
At least that’s the case for most of us in the western world. We get to choose our partners and how our relationships will function. We can demand that these relationships are fair, that they be just, and that partners be sensitive to our needs. We can also expect that our partners will want to know who we are and everything about us. 
 
Do we actually want someone to know everything about us? 
 
If you’re an island, you probably want some things to be private.
 
In a secure relationship, maintaining private compartments is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter whether it’s money, sexuality, shameful events, or even any conceivable threat to one’s partner. They agree that they will feel safer and more secure if they fully know one another.
 
Their goal is for both to be themselves within the relationship.
 
That might not be possible in the outside world, but they are that way with each other. 
 
Islands and waves often spread themselves among many different people. No one person knows everything about them. Elevating someone to primary attachment status makes that person dangerous. They want to avoid their amygdala running wild.
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Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin PsyD

1/24/2023

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Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin PsyD
​
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How to Find Someone with Secure Attachment

1/23/2023

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​Attached by Amir Levine, MD
​
How do we find someone who can become a secure base? 
 
How can I become that kind of person myself and how can I help my existing partner take on this life altering the rule? 
(That’s what this book deals with.)
 
What are some protest behaviors? 
   Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: calling, texting, emailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by their workplace, 
   Withdrawing, sitting silently engrossed in the newspaper, turning your back literally on your partner, not speaking, ignoring them 
   Keeping score: paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting, just as long to return theirs; 
   Waiting for them to make the first make up, move and acting distant until then.    
   Acting hostile: rolling their eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking, 
   Threatening to leave: making threats “we’re not getting along. I don’t think I can do this anymore.” “I knew we weren’t right for each other.” “I’ll be better off without you” -all the while hoping that they will stop you from leaving 
   Manipulation: acting busy or unapproachable, ignoring phone calls, saying that you have plans when you don’t. 
   Making him or her feel jealous: making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out to a singles bar, telling your partner about somebody who hit on you today. 
 
What can I do about my protest behavior?
Be aware!
    You’re doing protest behavior to try to reestablish contact with your partner, and get their attention. These strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. 
     Recognize them when they happen
   Anxious attachment styles are particularly susceptible to falling into chronically activated attachment system situation. 
    The brains of people with an anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and under recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions. 
    It’s harder to turn off an anxious attachment.
    The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows, and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. 
    Those butterflies mean that you were anxiety-ridden that is not the same as love. 
    Do not let emotional unavailability turn you on. If you were anxious, your ideal person to date would be someone secure -but you’re gonna feel a little bit bored at first because there’s not drama, and that’s good for you.
 
 
You, given your anxious attachment style, have certain clear needs in a relationship. 
 
   If those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. Find a mate who can fulfill those needs. 
    *You need to fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship.*
    You need to know that your needs are legitimate. They’re not good or bad. They’re simply your needs. 
    *Start assessing people you date on the basis of their ability to meet those needs.*
 
                 Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy? 
Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects very early on : 
Are they sending mixed messages about their feelings towards you or their commitment to you?
Do they want an ideal relationship but suggest that it won’t be with you?
Do they want to meet the one, but always find fault in the other person? 
Do they disregard your emotional well-being? 
Do they suggest that you are too needy, sensitive or overreacting or otherwise invalidate you and make you second-guess yourself? 
Ignores things that inconvenience them?
Address your concerns responding to facts, not taking into account your feelings? 
Your messages don’t get across despite your best efforts. 
Are they ambiguous about a relationship and telling you that your emotional needs are not too important to them? 
Be your authentic self and express your needs.
 
Some people are simply incapable of meeting your needs. 
Don’t have any guesswork and if direct with him, he would know exactly what was expected of him.
 
If you have an anxious attachment, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction. 
   You can’t get the person out of your mind. 
   Once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other persons closeness, and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know them and decide whether or not you like that person. 
 
If you’re dating one person at a time, the result is that at a very early stage, you lose your ability to judge whether he or she is really right for you. 
 
If you date multiple people at once, knowing that multiple different people could be a good match for you, You maintain your ability to evaluate potential partners more objectively. 
 
You’re desensitizing your attachment system, and tricking it into being easier on you. 
 
Instead, you will be busy evaluating the availability of a lot of different people and you won’t be as likely to obsess about anyone in particular. 
 
You can easily rule out people that make you feel insecure inadequate, because you have not built all your hopes on them. 
 
You wouldn’t waste your time with someone who is unkind to you when you have several other potential partners lined up. 
 
You’re not afraid of chasing away a rare prospect. You don’t have to tiptoe around or hide your true feelings. 
 
You can see whether they are able to meet your needs before you reach the point of no return.
 
You change your anxious, thought patterns or your working model for relationships. Many people will find me attractive even if they’re not a perfect match. 
 
Unsuccessful dates are not proof that there’s something wrong with me. 
 
When someone acts disengaged or avoidant, it’s easier to move on without losing precious time. 
 
This person is not right for me, the next person might be..
 
**Here’s the caveat -recognize a keeper when you find one. 
 
*Do not make impulsive decisions about whether they’re right for you. 
 
*You might feel bored at first because there’s less drama when your attachment system is not activated.  You might automatically interpret calmness as a lack of attraction. You may appreciate a calm attachment system, and all the advantages that it has to offer.
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Only as Needy as Our Unmet Needs

1/20/2023

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​Attached Amir Levine, MD
(Page 21) 
People are only as needy as their unmet needs. 
 
When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.** The Paradox of Dependency
 
Our culture seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency, while exulting independence. 
 
We tend to accept this attitude as truth. 
 
The erroneous belief that all people should be emotionally self-sufficient is not new.*
 
Bowlby’s contribution was - infants who had all of their nutritional needs taken care of, but lacked an attachment figure failed to develop normally. They showed stunted, physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development. The connection between infant and caretaker was as essential for the child’s survival as food and water.***
 
Attachment is an integral part of human behavior throughout the entire lifespan.
 
Is it possible that we as couples are looking at dependency from a bad perspective? 
 
Our partner regulates:
our blood pressure, 
our heart rate, 
our breathing, 
and the levels of hormones in our blood. 
 
The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; not a choice or preference.**
 
Dr. James Coan from the affective neuroscience laboratory at the University of Virginia-“When two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress response. How can we be expected to maintain a higher level of differentiation between ourselves and our partners, if our basic biology is influenced by them to such an extent? If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend upon, and travel down it with that person.”*
 
That is the essence of attachment theory.
 
If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, a romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we will find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life.* 
 
*When our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.*
 
Or partners powerfully affect our ability to thrive in the world. 
 
There’s no way around that. They influence: 
how we feel about ourselves, 
the degree to which we believe in ourselves, whether we will attempt to achieve our hopes and dreams. 
 
Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer. *
 
Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive, can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health. 
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January 19th, 2023

1/19/2023

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Attached by Amir Levine, MD
 
(Page 245)
Five secure principles for resolving conflict
  1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being
  2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
  3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
  4. Be willing to engage.
  5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs
 
“Your well-being is as important to you as mine is to me. Your well-being is super important to me. Your needs matter to me.” …are the sentiments you want them to hear, if true. 
 
Try assuming the best instead of assuming the worst about your partner during conflict. *
 
A single fight is not a relationship breaker. 
 
Express your fears -if you’re afraid that they want to reject you, say so. 
 
Do not assume that you are to blame for your partner’s bad mood. 
 
Trust that your partner will be caring and responsive and express your needs. 
 
Do not expect your partner to know what you’re thinking before you tell them. 
 
Don’t assume that you understand what your partner means, ask.



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Avoidant and Anxious Attachment Styles- Quick Fixes

1/18/2023

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​Attached by Amir Levine, MD
 
If you’re anxiously attached:
   you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotion and think in extremes. 
   You do not expect your partner to respond positively. 
   You perceive the relationship is fragile and unstable, and can collapse at any moment. 
   These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively. 
   When you finally talk to your partner, you often do it in a way that is explosive, accusatory, critical, or threatening. 
   Rather than giving you the assurance you’re seeking, your partner may withdraw.
   After expressing your needs in a way that pushes your partner away you then protest that they moved away, expressing your need for closeness and reassurance by acting out. By doing so, you miss out on all the benefits of this powerful tool 
 
Protest behavior doesn’t give you the opportunity to address your concerns. 
 
Your partner may respond negatively, so you don’t know if they’re responding to your need or to your protest behavior.
 
Often effective communication brings about huge relief by showing you just how strongly your partner feels about you, and by strengthening the bond between you. 
 
**Try not to do the protest behavior.***
(That is the biggest take away for people whose style is anxious attachment.)
 
In some instances, the response may not be what you hoped for and you might be convinced that you ruined everything. It is still worth raising an important issue. 
 
Effective communication helps you to discover that more often than not, the reasons why people behave unkindly towards you have nothing to do with your attractiveness or desirability. 
 
--
If you have a avoidant style, the first step is to acknowledge your need for space, whether emotional or physical, when things get too close, and learn how to communicate that particular need. 
 
**Explain to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting too mushy, and that it’s not a problem with him or her rather than your own need an any relationship, make sure you mention any relationship.**
(This is the biggest takeaway for someone who sees themselves doing avoidant style attachment.) 
 
This should quell their worries and somewhat calm their attachment system. 
They are then less likely to intensify their efforts to draw closer to you which is what makes you uncomfortable. 
 
Thus, there is a better chance yyou will avoid a full-blown pursue-withdrawal dynamic with your partner.
 
With effective communication, you win either way. *
 
If you ignore my request and change the subject, I learn something very important. 
 
I might get a red flag, but it’s based on reality. 
 
This person might not be able to respond to my needs and sensitivities. 
 
Or they will be able to meet my needs and sensitivities. 
 
Either way I get important information.
 
When should you use effective communication? 
   *If you’re anxious, you might need a day or two to calm down before you can respond without overreacting. 
   Make sure that you address the little things because stuffing them down will not work for you if you’re anxiously attached. 
 
   *If you are avoidant, the sure-fire sign that you need to use effective communication is when you feel an irrepressible need to bolt. 
   Use your communication to explain that you need some space. 
   “I’d like to find a way of doing so that is acceptable to both of us.”
  Make sure that the other person’s needs are also taken care of. By doing so, you’re more likely to get the breathing space that you need.
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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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