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In going through separation and divorce, co-parenting and mediation, there are some very straightforward things you can do to improve communication. Try these:

Listener Job Description

• Listen to what the Talker is saying. Pretend you are a tape recorder. Ideally they are talking about a vulnerable feeling and you are making it safe for them to connect with you.
• Listen without judgment, rebuttal or any other editorial comment.
• Contain your emotions, this is not about you right now, it is about the Talker.
• If the Talker is being destructive or if you simply cannot listen, ask for a short time out. The person calling the time out assumes responsibility for re-engaging the conversation within 24 hours.
• Paraphrase what you heard them say, being as objective as possible. Do not put your spin on what they are saying- you are only trying to understand their perspective.
• Ask them, “Is that accurate or close? Do you think I got it?”
• If you have really understood them, and they agree- Ask them, “Is there more?”
• If there is more, keep listening.
• If they are saying something that is hard to hear, or they are really loud or if the manner in which they are saying it is objectionable (they are being mean/overly critical) you have the right to ask for a time out or to ask for what you need. For example, “It is really hard for me to hear you when your voice is that loud. Could you please lower your voice?” or “I struggle listening to you when I feel attacked or when I think you are mad at me. Can you get your point across differently?”
• Attempt to validate them after you have clarified. That means allowing them to have a different opinion (point of view or perspective ) than you have, acknowledging their perspective has merit and that you can see where they are coming from. This defuses many, many disagreements.

Talker
Job Description:

• As the talker, your job is to make sure you speak in short sentences and ask the listener to clarify what you said.
• After about 4 sentences, many listeners will tune you out. Stop and let them clarify what you said.
• If you want to be understood, speak in a manner that they can hear you.
• Speak respectfully.
• Try to keep to one and only one topic.
• No name calling, and avoid blame. This is not time to complain or punish them or show them their faults/criticize.
• It is time to connect.
• Tell them what you need from them.
• Avoid telling them what they need to change.

·       Tell them your perspective and label it as your own perspective, realizing that there are multiple perspectives that are acceptable and valid in almost every situation. If you struggle with this concept, all your communication will be difficult.
·       Do not attempt to convince them that your way is right and theirs is wrong.

Triggers
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Name it. What is the trigger? What triggered you and what did it trigger you to say to yourself? Where did you feel it in your body? What did you do when you felt the pain?


Let it go Meditation- can you acknowledge it and release it?

Can you Tap the EFT points? (YouTube has a few million videos about EFT tapping)

Reconciliation of thought- how do I reconcile this thought with what happened?

Disputed thought- is this true? It is an automatic thought, which does not mean it is real.

Radical acceptance- maybe the strategy is to simply go with, “It is what it is.”

Avoid it- there are some triggers that can be avoided without making them stronger.

Bilateral stim- use the thinking and the feeling parts of your brain by tapping alternately on the left and right sides of your body

Predicting relapse- anticipate, predict and prepare for it

Reassure- what could you say to yourself to reassure yourself about this issue?

​When you are triggered, you are temporarily unable to process well. Try the above and share with friends...

Trigger
Ever find yourself triggered by what someone said? All of the sudden, in the middle of a decent conversation, something they said hit you the wrong way… It brought you back to something that happened years or months ago that was painful. It was not conscious or intentional and you found yourself struggling to stay in the present moment…

Usually, when this happens, the person has no idea that what they said hit a nerve. Some people talk about them as landmines and mine fields.

Someone rings your doorbell, pushes the button and it registers as “ding dong.” If you remove one of the wires, the next time they press your button, it doesn’t make a sound. You would prefer they not push your buttons and yet you now have freedom from a response.

A trigger is a conditioned response. It is not logical or rational or present based. You can condition a different response if you are conscious of your trigger.

The next time you find yourself out of control or having a reaction that is too strong for the situation, consider whether you’ve been triggered. Look at the over reaction and what got triggered. What did this current situation remind you of from your past? What would it take for you to heal this, now that you are aware that you are still hurting from your past?

Play it through in your head:
Do I need to take this personally?
Does it matter?
Is my perspective the only perspective available to me?
Who cares?
Can I get some distance from this?
What would it take for me to soothe myself, calm myself right now?
Do I have a chip on my shoulder about this?
What would it take for me to reassure, or validate, myself?
 
A common trigger for people is when someone they love is angry at them. That is hard to tolerate because in the past when someone was angry with me….. (fill in the thought).

Now, play it through in your head a few times without you reacting strongly. Train your brain to respond rather than over react to this stimulus. Condition your brain to take it at face value rather than read into it or take it personally.

Repeat this a few times until it no longer has an emotional component. Be free of this trigger, take the wire off the button, remove the landmine from the minefield…

​What thoughts do you have?

Tomorrow starts the annual conference for Divorce Mediation in NY.

I really appreciate all that people have done to prepare for it and I like telling people about mediation. If you know anyone who has gone through divorce, it is really a painful process.

Mediation is the least painful option to manage the situation. It takes into account the feelings of the participants and makes more likely a good parenting situation post-divorce. I am biased because I have seen couples who get chewed up and spit out by the court system.

I know lawyers and judges dislike how awful litigation is.

​Most couples don't have enough money to make it to court and the ones who make it to court regret going to court. It's just ugly.

Why not get a Divorce, avoid a ton of unnecessary pain in the process and save money by doing it. That's why I am doing so much training and reading and helping to make people aware of mediation.