Boice Counseling
  • Home
  • Retreats and Books
    • Books and Audio
    • Helpful Resources
    • Insurance/Costs
  • Services
  • News/Blog
  • Contact Us

Clear Requests

5/24/2017

0 Comments

 
​Think how hard it will be for others to respond to our request if we are not even clear what it is. Think about your needs and preferences and then think about how you can request for that need to be met. Be clear about it and express yourself.

"I suppose I want you to guess what I want before I am even aware of it. And then I want you to always do it." 
My response (Marshall Rosenberg) "I hope you can see how you were not likely to find someone who can for fill your need for love if that is what it takes. "
 
Very often, Marshall Rosenberg's clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustration and depression.
 
We may express our discomfort and incorrectly assume the listener has understood the underlying request. 
 
We are simply not conscious of what we are requesting when we speak, at times. We talk to others or at them without knowing how to engage in a dialogue with them.
 
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker's feelings and needs.
 
The wife heard the husband's frustration but was clueless as to what he was asking for. 

Equally problematic is the reverse situation -when people state the request without first communicating the feelings and needs behind them. This is especially true when the request takes the form of a question. Someone might hear it as a demand or attack unless the person remembers to first reveal their own feelings and needs. 
 
Whenever we say something to another person, my belief is that we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection, verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment, that our words have been understood or we may be requesting honesty. We wished to know the listeners honest reaction to our words. 
 
We may be requesting an action that we would fulfill our needs. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

Thank you Dr. Rosenberg for helping me be a better communicator and showing me practical applications. There will always be room for growth. 

Marshall Rosenberg was a great mediator- helping people marshal resources to meet needs. That really is what mediation is all about.

I am excited to start my Divorce Mediation practice. If you know someone who is going through a separation and divorce and can wait until July to start mediation, please consider using me 585 802-1273. I have been reading and preparing website, articles, paperwork and do my next Mediation training in a few weeks.

0 Comments

Are You Expressing Yourself In a Way Likely to Draw a Positive Response?

5/18/2017

0 Comments

 
 Are you expressing yourself in a way likely to draw a positive response?

Piece by piece, I want people to be exposed to Marshall Rosenberg's book NonViolent Communication. Personally and professionally, it has helped me and I have witnessed it helping many people. Please buy the book!

 
"Her plaintive request elicits resistance rather than compassion from her listeners ; they have difficulty hearing and valuing the needs behind her pleas."
 
"I was angry with your father for not meeting my needs, and now I realize that I never once clearly told him what I needed." She had grown to fear that asking for what she needed would only need to disapproval and judgment.  This story reveals how painful it can be when people do not openly acknowledge their own needs!
 
There are three stages in the way we relate to others: 
1 emotional slavery
 
We believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others. We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don't appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens. ( this response is common among those who experience love as a denial of one's own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved. )
 
If I were a partner who is conscious of doing this, I might acknowledge the situation by explaining, "I can't bear it when I lose myself in relationships. When I see my partner's pain, I lose me, and then I just have to break free."
 I might say "my partner is so needy and dependent it is really stressing out our relationship. " If you were the receiver of these two messages, which would you prefer?
 
Can you respond "so you find yourself in a panic. It's very hard for you to hold onto the deep caring and love we have had without turning it into responsibility, duty, obligation... you sense your freedom closing down because you think you have to constantly take care of me. "
 
2 We become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for other peoples' feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. We feel angry and no longer want to be responsible for other people's feelings. We are clear we are not responsible for -we have not yet learned how to be responsible to others in a way that is not emotionally enslaving.
 
To encourage her to sort out what she wanted, I asked, "Do you want to do something else even if that conflicts with my needs? "

She had yet to grasp that emotional liberation entails more than simply our starting our own needs. 

You do not have to deny your own needs to comply with the wishes of others. You do not have to worry about disappointing people 

 
"Your honesty would be a gift more precious to others than accommodating them to prevent their upset. I also clarified ways she could empathize with people when they were upset without taking responsibility for their feelings.
She was learning to express her needs and risk dealing with the displeasure of others she had yet to assert her needs comfortably and in the way the respect of the needs of others, I trusted this what occurred in time. "
 
Stage 3
At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame. At this stage, we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others. Emotional liberation involves stating clearly what we need , in a way that communicates we are equally concerned that the needs of others be fulfilled.
 
She expressed herself in non-violent communication and used all four parts of the process: observation, feeling, needy, request. 

"You know, when you first said that we should bring back the stigma of illegitimacy, I got really scared, because it really matters to me that all of us here share a deep caring for people needing help. Some of the people coming here for food are teenage parents, and I want to make sure they feel welcome. Would you mind telling me how you feel when you see your clients and the boyfriend, walking in?"
0 Comments

Need Versus Complaint

5/11/2017

0 Comments

 
​"If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
 
We are accustomed to thinking about what's wrong with others than that our needs are not being fulfilled... it has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what's wrong with another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody's needs is greatly increased." (Pp. 53-54 Nonviolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg. )
0 Comments

Speech That Masks Accountability For Feelings

5/1/2017

0 Comments

 
Per Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
"​Common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our feelings:
1 use of impersonal pronouns such as "it" and that "it really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures" Versus "I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in a public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image."
 
2 The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion), because ..." followed by a person or personal pronoun other than the word I: "I feel hurt because you said you don't love me."" I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise."
Better is "I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother."
 
3 Statements to mention only the actions of others: "When you don't call me on my birthday, I feel hurt."
"Mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."
Versus "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy."
In each of these instances, we deepen our awareness of our own responsibility when we use the phrase, " I feel..., because I... ."
 
Be careful not to motivate by guilt -we do this by attributing the responsibility of my own feelings to other people.
"It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades at school."
I'm implying the child's actions are the cause of my happiness or unhappiness. That's not me taking responsibility. 
 
If the children who assumed this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they're not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
 
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
 
Why not say "my need for intimacy is not being met" versus "you have been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me?"
 
​
I am doing quite a bit of reading on Mediation (45 books, then stopped counting) to start a Divorce Mediation business this summer (2017). Just finished a 25 hour training, couple day conference and in June I am completing a 40 hour training. Helping people deal with conflict has been a mainstay since I started counseling 29 years ago (I am officially old), so it feels like a natural extension of who I am.
0 Comments

    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

    _

    Archives

    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012

    Categories

    All
    Building Relationships Improving Communication
    Communication
    Counseling
    Counselor
    Couples
    Couples Counseling
    Dating
    Emotional Intelligence
    Gender
    Gender Communication
    Goleman
    Jealousy
    Love
    Marital Counseling
    Relationships
    Resolutions
    Romance
    Soft Skills
    Time Magazine
    Training
    Valentine's Day

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.