​Think how hard it will be for others to respond to our request if we are not even clear what it is. Think about your needs and preferences and then think about how you can request for that need to be met. Be clear about it and express yourself.

"I suppose I want you to guess what I want before I am even aware of it. And then I want you to always do it." 
My response (Marshall Rosenberg) "I hope you can see how you were not likely to find someone who can for fill your need for love if that is what it takes. "
 
Very often, Marshall Rosenberg's clients were able to see how the lack of awareness of what they wanted from others had contributed significantly to their frustration and depression.
 
We may express our discomfort and incorrectly assume the listener has understood the underlying request. 
 
We are simply not conscious of what we are requesting when we speak, at times. We talk to others or at them without knowing how to engage in a dialogue with them.
 
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker's feelings and needs.
 
The wife heard the husband's frustration but was clueless as to what he was asking for. 

Equally problematic is the reverse situation -when people state the request without first communicating the feelings and needs behind them. This is especially true when the request takes the form of a question. Someone might hear it as a demand or attack unless the person remembers to first reveal their own feelings and needs. 
 
Whenever we say something to another person, my belief is that we are requesting something in return. It may simply be an empathic connection, verbal or nonverbal acknowledgment, that our words have been understood or we may be requesting honesty. We wished to know the listeners honest reaction to our words. 
 
We may be requesting an action that we would fulfill our needs. The clearer we are on what we want back from the other person, the more likely it is that our needs will be met.

Thank you Dr. Rosenberg for helping me be a better communicator and showing me practical applications. There will always be room for growth. 

Marshall Rosenberg was a great mediator- helping people marshal resources to meet needs. That really is what mediation is all about.

I am excited to start my Divorce Mediation practice. If you know someone who is going through a separation and divorce and can wait until July to start mediation, please consider using me 585 802-1273. I have been reading and preparing website, articles, paperwork and do my next Mediation training in a few weeks.

​"If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
 
We are accustomed to thinking about what's wrong with others than that our needs are not being fulfilled... it has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what's wrong with another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody's needs is greatly increased." (Pp. 53-54 Nonviolent Communication by Marshal Rosenberg. )

Per Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
"​Common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our feelings:
1 use of impersonal pronouns such as "it" and that "it really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures" Versus "I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in a public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image."
 
2 The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion), because ..." followed by a person or personal pronoun other than the word I: "I feel hurt because you said you don't love me."" I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise."
Better is "I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother."
 
3 Statements to mention only the actions of others: "When you don't call me on my birthday, I feel hurt."
"Mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."
Versus "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy."
In each of these instances, we deepen our awareness of our own responsibility when we use the phrase, " I feel..., because I... ."
 
Be careful not to motivate by guilt -we do this by attributing the responsibility of my own feelings to other people.
"It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades at school."
I'm implying the child's actions are the cause of my happiness or unhappiness. That's not me taking responsibility. 
 
If the children who assumed this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they're not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
 
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
 
Why not say "my need for intimacy is not being met" versus "you have been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me?"
 
​
I am doing quite a bit of reading on Mediation (45 books, then stopped counting) to start a Divorce Mediation business this summer (2017). Just finished a 25 hour training, couple day conference and in June I am completing a 40 hour training. Helping people deal with conflict has been a mainstay since I started counseling 29 years ago (I am officially old), so it feels like a natural extension of who I am.