Making life dreams come true- you have to accept influence and work towards compromise to make your life dreams come true- if you’re in a partnership.
The conflict discussions offer the opportunity for understanding your values and dreams work on ways to honor you and your partner and make both of your dreams come true.
Creating shared meaning is a legacy statement for your life what are you trying to accomplish, what is your dream? What legacy would you like to leave this world with?
Building of Maps is level one- ask open ended questions.
Level two sharing fondness and admiration- expressed appreciation and respect.
Level three is turning towards- state your needs and be aware of bids and turn toward them.
If not friend building- no romance passion sex
If not friend building, we attack differently and may perceive everything as an attack.
Building emotional bank accounts- when stuff goes bad, you have a buffer- not a big deal. There’s plenty of good will.
Review perpetual problems with your partner.
69% of time and couples were asked to talk when area of continuing disagreement, what they discussed was a perpetual issue. There are issues with the resolution that you’ve been dealing with for many years. The discussion is an attempt to establish a dialogue with the problem which will never go away it’ll be fully resolved.
Most relational conflict is not resolvable. Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.
Problems would be a part of any relationship and that particular person would have some sort of problems - no matter who that person married.
There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, and realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years according to Dan Wile.
You will not be solving a perpetual problem -you’ll be learning how to dialogue well about your different subjective realities.
There’s an acceptance that problems are inevitable and they are able to simultaneously communicate acceptance of the partner’s desire to improve the problem, often with amusement, respect, and affection.
There’s a fundamental acceptance of their partners as they also ask them to change.
The masters of relationship have developed a map of the world of their partners, a cognitive map of their relationship and its history, and of their partner’s history, concerns, preferences, and the current world of their partner.
Love Maps are created by asking open-ended questions.
An open-ended question is a question that can’t be answered by a simple yes or no.
Spend more time on love Maps and fondness and admiration if the couple is struggling with conflict.
Build the emotional bank account before you fight -so if there’s goodwill generated before a fight.
Also you’re teaching them to scan the relationship to look for things that they like about each other.
There are handouts on love maps as well as fondness and admiration.
Rituals of connection and turning towards are both building the emotional bank account.
Want more romance, passion and sex in your relationship?
Responding positively to your partners bids for attention is the major way.
Turning towards leads to more turning towards.
Point out and share with your partner how appreciative you are when they turn towards you. There’s an exercise called “turning towards during everyday events” checklist.