​Part 5 Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem within Sound Relationship House
 
Making life dreams come true- you have to accept influence and work towards compromise to make your life dreams come true- if you’re in a partnership.
 
The conflict discussions offer the opportunity for understanding your values and dreams work on ways to honor you and your partner and make both of your dreams come true.
 
Creating shared meaning is a legacy statement for your life what are you trying to accomplish, what is your dream? What legacy would you like to leave this world with?
 
Building of Maps is level one- ask open ended questions.
Level two sharing fondness and admiration- expressed appreciation and respect.
Level three is turning towards- state your needs and be aware of bids and turn toward them.
 
If not friend building- no romance passion sex
 
If not friend building, we attack differently and may perceive everything as an attack.
 
Building emotional bank accounts- when stuff goes bad, you have a buffer- not a big deal. There’s plenty of good will.
 
Review perpetual problems with your partner.
 
69% of time and couples were asked to talk when area of continuing disagreement, what they discussed was a perpetual issue. There are issues with the resolution that you’ve been dealing with for many years. The discussion is an attempt to establish a dialogue with the problem which will never go away it’ll be fully resolved.
 
Most relational conflict is not resolvable. Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.
 
Problems would be a part of any relationship and that particular person would have some sort of problems - no matter who that person married.
 
There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, and realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years according to Dan Wile.
 
You will not be solving a perpetual problem -you’ll be learning how to dialogue well about your different subjective realities.
 
There’s an acceptance that problems are inevitable and they are able to simultaneously communicate acceptance of the partner’s desire to improve the problem, often with amusement, respect, and affection.
 
There’s a fundamental acceptance of their partners as they also ask them to change.
 
Love Maps
The masters of relationship have developed a map of the world of their partners, a cognitive map of their relationship and its history, and of their partner’s history, concerns, preferences, and the current world of their partner.
 
Love Maps are created by asking open-ended questions.
 
An open-ended question is a question that can’t be answered by a simple yes or no.
 
Spend more time on love Maps and fondness and admiration if the couple is struggling with conflict.
 
Build the emotional bank account before you fight -so if there’s goodwill generated before a fight.
 
Also you’re teaching them to scan the relationship to look for things that they like about each other.
 
There are handouts on love maps as well as fondness and admiration.
 
Rituals of connection and turning towards are both building the emotional bank account.
 
Want more romance, passion and sex in your relationship?
 
Responding positively to your partners bids for attention is the major way.
 
Turning towards leads to more turning towards.
 
Point out and share with your partner how appreciative you are when they turn towards you. There’s an exercise called “turning towards during everyday events” checklist.
 
 

​Part 4
Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem within Sound Relationship House
 
 
Gottman has the Sound Relationship House and starts with Building Love Maps.
 
Building Love Maps send a meta message that you are interested in knowing your partner.
 
Ask questions and invite them to get to know you and try to get to know your partner. If you don’t wanna get to know your partner, ask yourself why.
 
Scan your environment for things to admire, appreciate and be proud of, in your partner and see them -catch them doing something right. Say it out loud or in a message, directly.
 
When you’re hanging out- you’re always stating your needs verbally or non-verbally, you’re making bids for emotional connection.
 
This is a fundamental unit of connection, to form an emotional bank account that gets larger or depleted over time.
 
Understanding must appreciate advice. Make sure you understand the problem and make sure that they want advice before you give advice.
 
This is our problem. We will face it together.
 
If you agree with the adversary, opponent, or enemy of your partner, expect bad results.
 
Increase your own awareness and mindfulness about how your partner tries to connect with you and asks for connection. See how asking to connect might be withdrawal waltz or protest polka.
 
Once you have these levels of the sound relationship house in order, you have a lot more humor, affection and patience in the relationship, even when there’s a difficulty you can be constructive in a creative way.
 
This is the emotional bank account.
 
Do you want to have access to positive emotions during the times of disagreements? Build the emotional bank account.
 
These three levels of the sound relationship house are the basis for romance, passion, and good sex.
 
Now we move into managing conflict instead of trying to persuade your partner of your reality. It is your job to find out your partner subjective reality.
 
You cannot be powerful in a relationship unless you were capable of being influenced.
 
Bayes Rule and the Nash Equilibrium come in important here. See these in archive.org under my name or link on my website.
 
Solvable problems do not have a deeper meaning behind the position.
 
A solution can be found and maintained and get solved.
 
Perpetual problems are fundamental differences in your personality or differences in your lifestyle needs. Every single couple has a perpetual problem or series thereof. You’re going to return to these over and over again.
 
What makes them different from gridlocked is that a gridlock problem is uncomfortable. You’re spinning your wheels and you start having difficulty with one another.There’s no possibility of compromise at that point. People become more entrenched and polarized and extreme. The conversations themselves lead to frustration and hurt.
 
People start vilifying one another and feel rejected by their partner. They feel like their partner doesn’t even like them when they’re talking about that issue. Go to dreams within conflict and move from gridlock to dialogue.
 
Within every complaint there’s a longing it might have a deep symbolic and philosophical meaning to that person.
 
If your heart rate is above 100 beats a minute, or if an athlete- make that 80 beats a minute, you’re probably in diffuse physiological arousal which sometimes accompanies flooding.
 
Your body has started secreting adrenaline, and lots of systems are firing.
 
You’ll get tunnel vision, so you can’t process information very well, you can’t be a creative problem solver, you want to withdraw become more aggressive, to shut down the negativity. during this time do not rehearse thoughts that maintain distress. For example, thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victim hood. Do something that soothes you.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

​Part 3 Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem
 
If you can accept some influence, you might be able to compromise. Nash Equilibrium is not possible in every situation. Sometimes you must compromise or break the deal altogether. We are working hard to not make it a win-lose in either direction.
 
Is there an area where you might be able to reach a temporary compromise after you fully understood them?
 
In order to move to compromise, we have to feel safe and decide what we cannot compromise on. Are you communicating in such a way that your partner feels safe?
 
What are core needs that we cannot be flexible about?
 
You can only be influential if you accept influence.
 
As we become more conscious and aware, we look at what are we trying to accomplish. What is our dream, what is our life mission?
 
How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone?
 
How is your relationship supporting your life‘s mission?
 
What changes will you make in your relationship to accomplish your dreams, your life mission?
 
The couples who are happy in their relationships have a five to one ratio of positive to negative during conflict discussions. A 21 positive to negative ratio when just hanging out.
 
Little things done often, lots of kindness, attention, interest in one another, affection, humor, good sex, and so on…
 
When looking at defensiveness, look at righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. “I am free of blame, guilty and any responsibility. It is all on you.”
 
It looks like you are competing for the victim of the day award to avoid making any changes.
 
Can you accept responsibility even for a small part of the problem?
 
What are you responsible for in this relationship?
 
Scan for things to take responsibility for instead of criticizing your partner. Catch your partner doing something right and give praise for that.
 
As a couple, how successful are you being able to talk about it without getting back into negativity? Making the next conversation on that topic better?
 
When you have a chip on your shoulder, you take it personally if someone is irritable or says something crappy.
 
Do you feel like your partner is your ally, teammate, partner?
 
Do you feel respected, understood and that your partner is really on your side?
 
Do you feel like your partner is interested in you?
 
Is there affection coming your way?
 
Is there a romance or passion or good sex in the relationship?
 
If not, you’re likely to have a negative perspective and your negative sentiment will override your positive feelings and you’re likely to have a chip on your shoulder.
 
If you can talk about a problem that is continual due to personality or lifestyle differences, we call that a perpetual problem.
 
You don’t feel rejected when it’s perpetual problem.
 
In gridlock, you do feel rejected and the main issue is how to move from gridlock to dialogue on these perpetual problems.
 
 
 
 

This is where the “dream within a problem” exercise comes in. Ask your counselor to explain it to you and give you the Gottman approved handout.
 
Imagine being in a romantic relationship where you always win every argument, but you crush your partner’s dreams in the process. (I am guessing you know that crushing your partner’s dreams does not serve you.)
 
Now imagine that you’re in a kind of relationship in which you support each other‘s dreams.
 
Which one do you think both of you would prefer?
 
When people feel empowered they do not stand for bad relationships. (Some people know this and make sure that their partner is not empowered, so that they stay in this relationship, despite the yuck.)
 
Men who have the emotional intelligence to accept influence from women are way ahead of the game in the world of relationships and parenting.
 
It’s also a wonderful way to get your kids ahead of the game in emotional, social development but also in terms of cognitive development.
 
Fathers have great potential for doing good and also great potential for doing harm.
 
There needs to be give and take on both sides.
 
The sharing of power needs to be a two-way street.
 
What matters here is respecting both points of view. Historically, one group tends to accept influence and one group tends not to. There are individual differences, obviously, but as a group, one accepts influence at far higher rates.
 
Relationships fare much better when a man accepts influence from his female partner.
 
Developmental psychologists have observed that little girls accept influence in their play from both boys and girls, but boys almost never accept influence from girls.
 
In preschool, 35% of best friends are boy girl friendships, the percentage drops to 0% by age 7. The guy who can accept influence is a pretty smart guy.
 
By adolescence, when boys and girls turn toward another with emotional ups and downs of relationships, it is a girl who is likely to be more expert about navigating emotional waters.
 
Do you want to win this battle to lose the war?
 
Both people need to feel respected and consulted in the process of deciding things.
 
It’s you and me versus the problem not you versus me or me versus you. Both of us are working together against the problem.
 
When your children are troubled, do they feel comfortable turning toward you?
 
How about your spouse?
 
When your children are joyous do they look forward to sharing it with you?
 
Same thing for your spouse?
 
If you have a solid emotional base you can create and work effectively with your partner. You can lead a rich and meaningful life.
 
People who matter will care about you when you are alive and will be warm to you when you are dying.
 
This still relates to gridlock versus perpetual problems. Can you see the paradox that the person who accepts influence has influence? In our society, there is a gender gap and it might be helpful to understand it than just change behaviorally.
 
Women have been conditioned with a much lower sense of entitlement about having and developing their own dreams unless those dreams pertain to relationships.
 
They are all too willing to give up their dreams for the sake of the relationship.
 
But no one wants a close relationship with a woman who is defeated, beaten, and depressed. Everyone (making the assumption of non pathology) wants a woman who is a partner and true teammate, someone who is alive loves their life, who feels loved honored and respected.
 
In our history, unfortunately, it’s typical where it has been the woman’s dreams that have not been taken seriously by both.
 
We are not suggesting that the man’s dreams are not to be honored, but that usually gets taken for granted and is absent but implicit.
 
Honoring their own dreams- and women feel bad for having these dreams, unless they’re about being a daughter, mother, sister, wife, honoring their own dreams- will help their relationship.
 
When you notice that you’re in gridlock, the goal is simply dialogue not to fix the problem.
 
Let me say this again the goal is not to fix the problem. Yet…
 
Work more deeply to understand one another.
 
What are the feelings, beliefs, and dreams behind the issue?
Next blog will continue with perpetual problem explanation and gridlock resolution.

​Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem

Warning: LONG ARTICLE- I broke it up into 4-5 parts.
 
I will explain this concept, within the context of the Sound Relational House based solely on the work of John and Julie Gottman, PhD. It will be a few blogs long and is well worth it. Gottman also has multiple YouTube videos that explain this and other concepts or go straight to their Gottman Institute website. Great research and well explained…
                        
In your relationship you have problems that keep coming back up. Some are painful and harmful to the relationship (gridlock) and some are just recurring problems (perpetual) based on the fact that we are different and living with someone who is different can be hard.
 
The “gridlock” problems are the ones where you feel betrayed and you feel like you can’t get anywhere in the problem. You cannot even talk about it without problems.
 
Because nothing works, you avoid talking and you end up feeling like non-romantic roommates or friends and you feel rejected by your partner.
 
You can clearly see your side and you think that if they could see your side they would think the same way.
 
Or you get into a power-play or a power struggle and you both dig in.
 
But, as soon as you start talking about it, things go sideways and the dialogue is jammed or gridlocked.
 
You eventually find that you don’t want to accept influence or admit any correctness on the other person side and you start using the four Horsemen. (That is gridlock and it can be different. You can find your way out of gridlock with this prompt.)
 
As a result, there’s no headway.
 
Each person digs in. They stake their position instead of working with the concept of mutual interests. (To avoid gridlock, consider this perspective, “We are not enemies, it is us against the problem. We have a mutual interest in solving this problem.”)
 
They start losing their friendship. They don’t express admiration and appreciation and they tend to make the other person the villain. (Repair: When you notice that you are having a disagreement that should be a conversation, ask yourself if you appreciate your partner. Ask yourself if you are vilifying them in the story in your head? Are you comparing them to someone else or being overly critical?)
 
Have you ever noticed that in your own stories you’re the hero and the other person is the villain?
 
As you dig into your position, you reinforce it. You don’t compromise. You get more extreme and polarized and then you just stop talking to each other. (What topics are taboo in your relationship with your romantic partner? When you talk about a taboo topic, are you able to have a conversation or is it an immediate disagreement or conflict with questionable boundaries or something else?)
 
You might notice a similar thing with politics.
 
This is where you don’t want to even have the conversation because your dreams are crushed and you feel alienated. (Ask yourself if you are fully understanding their perspective. If you get their point of view, without judging them, then ask if there is a dream that they have that might be partially in the way. Ask yourself if you are acting honorably toward their dream.)
 
If you can relate to those, that simply means you are in a situation that is gridlocked. The goal is to move towards having decent dialogue (honorable communication, not blame and judgment and fixing and controlling and persuading) and conversation about it, not solve it at this point.
 
So what’s the dream that’s in there?
 
What has a deeply symbolic meaning?
 
When listening to your partner, ask yourself, what are their hopes, dreams, fears, wishes, aspirations? Approach this process as a way to learn more about your partner, to get to know them better. Approach it with intellectual curiosity.
 
Gottman notes that the gridlock is the result of dreams in opposition and the fears that we have about accepting influence on the problem at hand.
 
The problem is not the problem necessarily, what does the problem mean to me personally?
 
For example, a money discussion is not about money. It’s about power or security or competence or independence and freedom, Gottman suggests.
 
Can you see why someone might not yield unless they feel understood and honored?
 
If it’s not safe enough to hear and be seen and understood then they will not talk about it.
 
This is another area where talker and listener comes in very handy.
 
You are listening to understand.
 
Not to use the information against the person, convert them you didn’t use it as ammo.
 
Talk about what the problem means to your deepest self why does it carry this much meaning for you?
 
Why is it so core to your sense of self? Ask in a way that is intellectually curious, not judgmental.
 
There is always healing before resolution. You have to reconcile the inner conflict before you can resolve the outer conflict.
 
Can I speak safely with this person?
 
Do my feelings matter to this person?
 
Does my preference matter to them?
 
Can I rely on them?
 
Am I able to have a discussion and feel honored and respected even when there are differences?
 
If you answer “no” then you are likely in gridlock.
 
 
The goal is to listen to understand, not judge, not solve, not find judgment, not change the person’s mind.
 
Do not argue for your own point of view, just listen and let them feel understood because you are listening only to understand.
 

“Tell her what you need,” the therapist says to the husband in his office. He winces, feeling vulnerable but not knowing how to express it. He intellectualizes his feelings, programmed by society to not express feelings. Punished as a child for having feelings and being tender. He imagines himself back in kindergarten and feels resentful for having to do this. He does not like exposing his weakness to his wife, in front of a stranger, and a man no less.

Counseling is not always very friendly to the man and he often bails from couples counseling unless, unless…

What if we helped him feel successful and gave him the knowledge he lacks? What if we encouraged him to practice the skills to the point of mastery before asking him to use them in a game situation? When the couple is in counseling, the stakes are very high. People do not come in quickly when they see a problem. The woman usually asks the man and he stalls. He says, “Let’s try to fix it ourselves.” Any surprise there? Men do the same for fixing the house, the car, medical issues. Men were taught that to admit not knowing how to fix it is tantamount to being a loser. Not true, but that is what they were taught. “Unless you know how to fix your house, you are not a real man.” As if, at birth, all that information is downloaded into his brain and that is what it means to be a man. Again, not true, but we hear these messages and they warp us if we don’t challenge them and think for ourselves.

“Tell her what you need,” repeats the therapist, as if the man understands the directive.

Hey counselors, try this:
“We all have basic needs in life. For example, in counseling, many people say they want to feel seen, feel heard, be understood. They may want reassurance of some sort. I have a list of needs right here for you to reference. We don’t expect you to come in with all the answers, so here is the list right here. So, take a peak at this list and see if you can identify a few needs right now and let her know what you need. Then request what you need and the two of you determine if that is a need you get met within the relationship or if it is a need you meet yourself or with your family or friends. You will get the need met; it is just a matter of timing and setting and people involved. So you feel confident knowing that your needs will be met. There is less desperation, less urgency, fewer demands on the relationship itself. When you are confident that your needs will be met, then the relationship is less likely to suffer the weight of your needs. Okay, so from that list, or your own ideas, what do you need right now?” For the man who is new to counseling, does not have this vocabulary or life experience, you have reassured him that you will not embarrass him, that he can count on you to have his back and he will not experience being trapped. He is less likely to resist counseling when he knows that you will set him up for success. He gets the felt sense that he can rely on you and that his feelings, his needs, his preferences are important to you. That is the meta message in preparing him to be successful. Imagine sending him and her an article on that, or better yet, an audio since the percentage of men who read those types of articles is not very high. Again, set them up for success.

What are some common needs? Everything that follows on this particular blog posting is not my original material and I have cited the source.

The following list of needs is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.

We have another nonviolent communication list that might also be of interest to you: a list of feelings.

​CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
CONNECTION continued
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water
HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence
PLAY
joy
humor
PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

 
The contents of this page can be downloaded and copied by anyone so long as they credit CNVC as follows:

(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505-244-4041
You can also find a PDF of feelings and needs here: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/learn-nonviolent-communication/feelings/
​

Due to technical difficulties, I have been unable to get to my website to blog in over a month.

Here's my first blog since resttoring the website:

I live very close to the zoo, and one night when I got home from work it was really dark. As I was approaching the front steps to come inside, I noticed a very long snake. Very long for this area and I didn't recognize it. It was dark, so I could not quite tell what type of snake it was.

I waited for the snake to move and it didn’t move.

I threw some things, like pebbles, at it. I debated jumping over it but then wondered if it would strike at me as I jumped over it.

I waited for it to move it again.

As I contemplated staying outside for a lot longer, I realized I could just go back to my car and turn on the headlights to identify what kind of snake it is to see if it’s poisonous or not poisonous.

When I turn on the headlights, I realize that my son had left out the jump rope.

How often, in our life, is it a jump rope -not a snake?

How often do we make it something that it is not, and act as if?