​Making Changes
Here are some phrases from the field of NLP that you can use when you are considering changes. Each phrase is stand-alone:
 
You can make the changes now or when you are done with the class. Pay attention to what you are hearing and assuming on a deeper level. Listen to what you are saying, deeper. Only you can stop yourself from developing and making this a fantastic relationship. Who is going to stop me?

If you are finding yourself getting stuck, consider all the good options available to you. Ask your subconscious to give you more options.

What was it you did at that time in the past that compelled you such that you felt you had a problem?

I’d like you to now stop and do things differently.

Now, as you go out in time to the future and you look back into the past now, as you think of think of that old situation in the past now, how do you feel?

I know you are changing and change is good. If you decided to change now, then you’ll easily achieve your goals because you are an amazing human being

Remember a time when you have been successful. Go back to a time when you felt successful. Feel it and see it and hear the sounds of success.

Have you been able yet to see yourself as successful? You are successful, and you will be able to see the success, unless you see it now. Hear the words of success and feel the feeling of achieving your goal. See it from the perspective of a good friend of yours, too.

Imagine that you float down into your body after you achieve your goal and through your own eyes, see what you see, hear what you hear and feel what you feel. 

Here's to making the changes you know you need to make!

​Any good traits that you see in your partner, are likely personality characteristics that you see in yourself.

We perceive things and we project things.

We often will project our good qualities on to others and see our good qualities in them. That’s very common. Have you noticed that when you’re happier, everyone else seems happier to you? And when you’re in a bad mood other people seem to be in a bad mood as well. That’s not always 100% accurate, but there are some tendencies here towards projection.
 
We were taught in school that 70% of what someone says to you is their projection onto you.
 
With that means is that all the wonderful things that you see in the other person, are also in you. As you improve your relationship with yourself and see more beautiful and wonderful things in yourself, you’ll also see them and other people with more regularity.

Is that something that you value?
  

Intimacy is letting the person get to know you and knowing them.

​How couples deal with differences is incredibly important. Similarities are easy and our differences sometimes feel threatening or annoying instead of inspiring curiosity. "I am curious, why do you do it that way?"

Is one of you more touchy, caressing, and like to kiss? What do you do with this difference?
Is each person’s need respected?
 
Is one of you more likely to want to cuddle on the couch, or want to spoon?

New to the blog?
Go back through the past month or so and consider answering these questions with your partner. What is the downside of getting to know one another?

Let's keep looking at similarities and differences.

​Is one person more of a thinker and more analytical than the other person?
How does this affect each of you?
 
Which one of you tends to have more empathy?
How does that impact the relationship?

What do you need?
 
What is your level of considerateness?
Do you match each other well on the thoughtful scale?

​Are you both at the same level in terms of romance?
 
How does that impact how you get along?

After chores, sex and money, this is one of the biggest issues in couples counseling in my office:

Does one of you watch TV more than the other person does? On their phone more…
 
Is one person or an early bird or a night owl?

How do you accommodate the other person?
 
Is one of you more physically active in general?
 
Does one of you have more energy than the other person?

​Differences are not the problem. Differences make for opportunities to learn something new about oneself and their partner. You can expand your repertoire by having differences. Thinking the differences are bad is the problem. Thinking that the difference is pathological or wrong, because their style is different- that contempt is the problem.

​These blogs are dealing with differences and sameness. We do well when someone behaves and thinks like we do. The struggles generally come when we are not sure why someone is doing what they are doing.
 
Look at the differences in your relationship and work with clarification and validation first. If you need intermediate or advanced skills, let me know and we can walk you through those.
 
When you get into arguments are they loud are they quiet?
 
Are they dangerous? People yell or do they walk away from each other?
 
Talk about how those impact you and your relationship.
 
Who tends to be the person with more feelings?
How does that impact the relationship?

Is someone more artistic any other person more musical?
What impact does that have?
 
 
Is one person more fun and the other person more serious?
What do you do differently to accommodate the needs of both partners?
 
Does one person apologize more than the other?
Does one person struggle to say “I’m sorry?”
I wish you would 100% of the time acknowledge when you make a mistake. It would mean a great deal to me.
 
The two January Sacred Sexuality retreats have already sold out. Thank you to those of you who signed up and those who have expressed interest in future offerings.
If you are interested in a self-directed, self-paced retreat, you may download the workbooks on the website. Do that today because it is a limited time offer.
 
If you are interested in being on my email list for future offerings, please email me at donboice@boicecounseling.com 

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The idea is to know your partner and appreciate what they bring to the table and then how to manage the differences in such a way that you each learn from the other, instead of judging them as wrong for doing something different.
 
They likely have strengths you lack and vice versa. Let’s celebrate your partner.
 
Let’s also be realistic about how those differences can be used poorly.
In each of the following, implied is that I am asking both of you for an answer to every question. This is for the both of you.
 
Take inventory and talk about what to do with this info to improve your relationships:
 
Who is more of an introvert?
What impact does it have on your relationship?
What do they need from you?
Do the same with the extrovert.
 
Who is more likely to write a paragraph versus two words in a text or email response?
How does that impact your daily communication via email or texting?
How does each one of those land?
 
Who talks more in person? How do you deal with that? (In counselor language we might ask how does that make you feel?)
 
The next bunch of blogs will look at differences you have and ask you to use them to build your repertoire. Learn from your partner. Why do they do it that way? In what ways does my partner do it better than I do?

No one likes to miss out. The first 3 hour Sacred Sexuality Workshop in January is already filled. And there is one opening left for the 6 hour Sacred Sexuality Retreat January 23. 
 
Thank you for letting me share this information and these techniques. Thank you for investing in your relationship and making good things happen. Go to the “Retreat” tab on my website to get more information and download the workbooks to do a self-directed retreat.
 

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