The more I work with couples, no matter if they are deciding to stay together or separate, the more I realize how important their ability to “do emotions” is. Acknowledge the feeling. Feel the feeling. Do not interfere with letting the feeling move on, by clinging to it or pushing it away.

People are really anxious at the beginning of relationships.

When a relationship struggles, there are usually feelings of anxiety or distress.

When a couple decides that it is not “worth it,” very often what they mean is that they cannot handle their emotions and the work involved in coping with their personal demons is not worth the payoff.

​Frequently, after this happens, one of the two comes to me and we work through distress tolerance exercises. To be in relationship is to deal with stress and insecurity. To be in successful relationship is to give and receive reassurance.

I am a hopeless (hopeful) optimist and I believe that love is absolutely worth it, when communication is good.

Perhaps another blog will highlight just how much we over value talking rather than listening. Listening for understanding is the key to communication. It is very reassuring and helps to know one another on deeper levels.

​6 ways to prepare to glide through mediation

1. Inform yourself about mediation
2. Read about your mediator
3. Inform yourself about retirement issues, with a financial person
4. Read about child custody, the impact on children and on you
5. Read about child support and what to expect, so that your emotions are in check
6. Read about spousal support

​4 points to “get it over with” faster:

There are phases that people go through when separating and divorcing. Some can be really rough and some can be really slow. There’s no rushing in some areas. Let’s focus on what is in my control.

What’s in my control is my attitude and my response, at least most of the time. What attitude do you want to have and to project as you are going through this part of your life? Think it through and choose behaviors that match.

Coping with pain is a must. Mostly emotional pain and while some of it is acute and intense, much of it is lasting pain, aching loneliness, withdrawal from touch and cuddling and feeling alone, along with missing the children and if your ex got the friends, missing them. You may or may not want to share this, so that determines who is available to support you. Reaching out for help from a wide variety of people is a winning strategy. Realizing that you have to meet your own needs (and the fact that your friends are not reaching out to you) and if your needs are not met, you have to switch strategies, means you have moved out of the victim role. Get into counseling individually. Go to yoga or meditation or something that allows you to sit with pain that will not go away right away. We call this “distress tolerance.” Getting a hobby, distracting yourself from the emotional pain, staying busy with work are helpful in the short run. In the long run, you need to be facing the pain directly and directly changing what you are doing so that your life is balanced. Many, many people start dating almost immediately because they think that will reduce their pain. In reality, dating has changed since you were last dating and it is confusing and painful to many people.

Serenity Prayer- popular in 12 step groups- Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

​Finally, remember who you are, your purpose; your reason for being here. When things get really tough, come back to this and it will get you through.

Being with your children
Let your interests, your purpose, your vision of being co-parents for the benefit of your children guide you.
This helps you create a new solution or choose a good option. Think of what needs your children have in this whole process and how out of the loop they were.

The divorce decisions are often made without their input at all.

Their needs do supersede yours. That said, your needs matter, as do the needs of your ex.

In co-parenting decisions, we take into account the needs of the children, parent 1 and parent 2. Ideally, we look for a solution that is win-win-win. Make your decision with the highest good of all as your goal. This is the best possible win-win (google “Nash Equilibrium” for more info on this concept).

If someone “loses” it affects everyone in this long-term relationship. Invest the time in negotiating to get the best possible long term co-parenting relationship. Above all, avoid the win-lose mentality.
 
EMPATHY-Consider looking at a typical week right now:
Where are the children every day, every hour? What are their needs? Put yourself in their shoes, in their mindsets. What emotional/psychological needs might they have? Let your decision meet their needs first, without trampling on anyone else’s needs.
 
How will you look back at this agreement in 6 months or 5 years? What needs to change as time goes on for this?

Teen years, college, move out, joining scouts, theatre, sports etc. The goal is to negotiate this once and stay out of court , so you retain full control.
 
Drop off or exchange of the children can be split 50/50; one person does the driving, one person never goes to the other person’s house, kids walk, bus, meet at the local grocery store to swap.
 
Consider a transition time with the kids. They will usually resist going with the other parent. This does not mean they hate that parent or that anything bad is happening. Does not mean the parent is poisoning the children’s mind or turning them against you. Transition time in some families is going out to eat. “Every time I pick you up from mom’s place, we will have a sit down dinner together at a local diner. We will reacquaint ourselves and have no TV distractions. It is just time to catch back up. By the time we get back home, people are feeling okay.” “We never used to have transition time and when the kids got to my place, they were like animals. Their emotions were out of control, they were acting out and my patience ran thin within minutes. I knew they were testing their limits and my limits. I knew they were suffering and just needed reassurance and connection. Once I was able to listen for their needs, I was able to reduce the chaos immediately.”
 

Discipline is consistent between the two houses. We predict what ways they will break rules and why and work with them to meet their needs. Breaking rules just means they used a strategy that was unsuccessful in meeting their needs. We have similar expectations to limit their confusion. Kids benefit most from consistency of philosophy and carrying through. One parent is almost always harder and the other is almost always, by definition, softer. Kids will test boundaries more, making life a challenge, if you are not consistent. They thrive on consistency.

​At a time when you may be nursing your own wounds, it is paramount to look out for their needs!