"Every time I treat her well, I get consequences," he said.

Walking through the story, perhaps with a fair dose of confirmation bias, he recounted that every time he was nice to her, said loving things, did a little extra, she backed up or said something that was perceived as mean. Coached to ask her to clarify, he did.

"Why bother being nice to people, if they treat you poorly when you do? I get treated well and I reciprocate and I get consequences or punishment, or so it feels. Karma aside, what is the point of being nice and decent to people?"

We talked at length about the motivation for behavior. Is he being nice to people to get something in return (a transaction)? Or is he being nice because that is who he is?

Part two of the conversation is to look critically at his assumptions and look for exceptions. Are there cases wherein he is nice and kind and people reciprocate? Does he himself feel better when so doing? Is it possible that he is feeling the sting of a couple poor interactions and generalizing them to all?

Is it possible that there is another dynamic at play and he is not seeing it clearly? What if he is being super sweet to her and she simply cannot accept or receive that kind of love? She has to bring him down a notch but does not have the verbal precision to articulate her point. What if she is communicating that it is too soon or that he stepped over a line of hers that he is unaware of? Is it possible that he put himself in the friend zone without realizing it?

What else could it be?

​What in me isn’t working to my best benefit?

I notice patterns in people. This one person heard that he was “too good for me” from 4 different women he dated.

Was this a nice blow off? Was this a decent break up or was there more to it? What was he doing to get that reaction? He is the common denominator

He can be a little bit judgy/critical. Maybe they were afraid that would happen to them. Maybe there was subtle criticism or implied judgment or potential future judgment and they wanted to hit the escape valve before it came to that. One person noted that he was “too sensitive” and got hurt too easily and they had to let him down easily.

Several suggested that he was too pure or clean or “good” for them. He could be a bit of a people pleaser, and that landed poorly for someone who was looking for an alpha male. Essentially, this person would be great for the right woman, but he was choosing the wrong people and not walking away when the situation became apparent. He knew it was not a great fit and could tell he was about to be rejected. When he asked about it, one person said asking about it was a sign of weakness and insecurity, rather than good communication, he was gaslit and then broken up with.

He was good at a bunch of different things, so he wondered if he was coming off as smug or a show off. His personality also lended itself to more self sacrifice, to the detriment of self. He tended to take good care of himself but great care of her and the disparity left her feeling guilty and not up to the task of taking such good care of him.

He could also be a wet blanket with some comments he would make about politics and human nature. This didn’t go with his positive persona and no one likes the wet blanket effect.

When we went more in-depth, those things were annoying but not what broke the deal.

By showing all his cards very quickly, not being a challenge, declaring his feelings too early, he came off as desperate at times.

The behaviors were good, but they did not match the timing.

So he lost some decent relationships because his timing was off and he was seen as trying too hard. They liked that he tried hard, but not that hard, that early. It felt forced and rushed and they felt pressured, even overwhelmed. The intensity would have been good a little bit later, but he was too earnest for that phase of the relationship. This phase was meant for fun and lightness, seeing if the fit was good to the women he was dating.

He went deep quickly (talked about lying as a pet peeve of his) and some women love that and others see it as a turn off or a behavior that puts one in the dreaded friend zone.

​“Was it a serious relationship?” was the question and the reply said it all. “Well, it was not fun!”

​“I intimidate people,” she said as she walked into my office.
Yep, I could see why immediately from her looks to her vocabulary to her absolute intensity and perfectionism. Anyone of that status would intimidate.
 
We tend to compare ourselves to our partners and no one wants to be on the side of “I’m more into them than they are into me.” No one.
 
We wonder if we measure up and fear that we do not. That’s a universal, until you have done the work.
 
Insightful, kind considerate, encouraging, very open, good parent, positive, likes touch and loves to be sexual… yep, those are desirable traits that most men are looking for. Unless, she is better than you…
 
She reassures, forgives, has good friends, loves animals and comes from a good family. She takes good risks and goes for her goals in life.
 
Why would a guy push her away? Anyone? Anyone?
 
How about this?
“She’s too good for me. I am going to get dumped when she sees the real me. Some other guy is going to hit on her and I won’t last. If she is going to leave me anyway, I might as well do it on my terms.”

​“Why would I consider going back to him?” she asked.
 
We’ve all been there. It is too good to leave, but we knew we had to leave, but we couldn’t. Then it worked and we could see how it could work, then it didn’t work again, but it had promise. We tried to talk ourselves out of it then into it and each way seemed hard. Which pain did we want to endure? If we stay, we will hurt. If we leave, it will also hurt and there is no option where pain was avoided.
 
She told me the story, how much fun it was, larger than life and just pure enjoyment. He kept pushing her away and did not commit and she kept trying to convince him that he should commit. He could not seem to do it and could not seem honest about it consistently. He was intermittently monogamous.
 
“Other than the cheating and lying, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect,” she continued
 
“Do not let me go back.”
 “Make me not go back. Talk me out of it if I am tempted.”
“This is not good for me. I must stay away. I would be insane to go back.”
“I’m going back. I cannot stay away. I know I could get hurt again and yet I must have unfinished business because the thought of staying away is excruciating.”
“I went back”
“It happened again. I knew it was going to happen. It really hurt. Why do I keep doing this? What am I supposed to learn from this?”
“I went back again.”
“This is so hard. I can’t stand it. I know this cannot be the person I need. I know it cannot work, but….” I can give a million reasons this will not work, but if it could…
“Okay, I am just going to stop resisting it. I will learn when I learn. I will have fun and shift my expectations and see if that helps. It is getting to be too much and I will back off.”
“I’m back again. It is so good when it is good. When it is bad, it is awful. I don’t want this long term, but this is so enjoyable short term. What would it take for me to give this up?”
 
The back and forth is so challenging and yet you can understand why someone would not want to give it up.
 
How do you make up your mind which way to go and then how to you stay firm in your decision? At what point do you choose either way and commit?
I know this is going to hurt in awful ways. I choose to stay with it as long as possible and go through it because living without this person is simply not an option. I feel like I am dying when we are apart. I love myself and have never felt this way before in my life. The thought of being without them is devastating.
 
I have to go. This is not healthy for me. I am a better person without them. I feel crazy when we go through this and it shows no sign of letting up.
 
What if-
What if the couple decided to slow it down. They are at a crossroads. There is no clearcut decision and clearly they love one another. There will be pain either way. There is not rush. Try to let it develop and not force it. Let is happen. Do the healing and manage the expectations and go from there. Slow it down even more and tune into what you truly need and want, your preferences. Realize that you will be okay whether or not you are together. It is not the end of the world. Let go of expectations for a little bit and let things settle down on their own.

​He was very well educated, functional in several languages, well-traveled, exposed to more languages, and valued the ability to communicate his thoughts precisely. Growing up, he was a high level athlete and still values keeping in decent shape. Martial arts helped him with his confidence that he can protect his people regardless of the situation. A voracious appetite for knowledge from quantum physics and energy healing, to tantra and masterful relationship, added to his ability to carry his side of any conversation. He is ambitious and goes for what he wants.
 
He could also use his hands for building things and for pleasure. Fairly insightful and self aware, he was aware that his approach was not working for him. He was doing something that was not working or not in his best interests. He could market himself well and attract people to him. He was authentic, earnest even and yet he kept attracting the wrong woman.
 
When he came to me, his first words were, “The last four women I have been with, have said that they feel overwhelmed by me.”
 
As he told me the story, it struck me as odd that people do this. He holds the car doors for them, cooks for them, brings little tokens on a date based on what she said the previous time about something they liked. He sends love notes, tells them how he feels, compliments them, does back rubs, inquires about their day, offers support and encouragement and resources. He’s between cute and average looking.
 
According to them there is good chemistry and they value his communication skills. He does conflict like a pro, neither avoiding it nor rubbing their noses in it. He is regularly positive and stays away from sarcastic comments. He asks about the pets and the kids. He asks if she is getting enough alone time and whether he is asking for too much of her time whether by text/phone or in person.
 
He spontaneously grabs them to dance in the living room or comes in for a hug from behind when the situation is right. There is precious little room to guess or make assumptions. They have talked about their vision of partnership and being collaborative.
 
They feel safe emotionally and physically and he respects them, so they know he is not going to cheat on them. Niether a big drinker nor a smoker, he has done his personal work to deal with the problems that life showers on us all. He doesn’t do porn and mostly eats clean unprocessed food. He takes good care of himself and does not impose those values on his partner.
 
2-4 weeks into each of the past 4 relationships, she has told him that she feels overwhelmed and cannot live up to his standards. That he has given her so much goodness, so much incredible pleasure, so many good times that she has to break up.
She could never reciprocate to the level he should have because it is so wonderful. She cannot compare to him nor compete with him in the relationship. She feels inadequate just being with him.
 
Two guesses from me and let me know what you think, too. Please.
 
I think he is coming on way too strong as divorced men often do. He is skipping some steps in the building a relationship phase. He is still courting her, but moves into the deep topics too quickly, thus the “too much.” One woman told him that he is trying too hard and cannot possibly keep it up. I know he can because his previous relationships he is and that she was likely projecting her own issues there. He is trying too hard for that exact phase. He is not seeing if it fits, he is getting ready for the relationship before she is saying she wants a relationship. This feels like pressure to her and rather than tell him that, which she might not even be able to articulate, she makes it seem like it is her issue. She feels overwhelmed that she cannot handle it rather than asking him to “go slower.” By the way, “Go slower” is not really a clear statement. Try this instead, “Hey, I like you and in this stage of relationships where we are both seeing if we fit, my preference is to spend time together, time apart and be with my friends. Yes, I miss you, but we are not really in a serious relationship, we are just dating. What you are doing feels like a different level. I would like to go on dates, spend some time, laugh, cuddle and get to know each other better. Maybe not spend so much time together just yet and not talk about the future, just be in the moment.”
 
My other guess is that she feels not good enough and whenever a man expressed interest in her, doted on her – she would struggle to receive the love. It is hard to be loved, to receive. It is easier to give than to receive many times. Until she works on her own issue of receiving, she will blame the other person and truly believe that he is making her feel a certain way. She will need to deal with self love and her own sense of worthiness at some point.

​“You are too much!” he told her, in a loud voice.

What he meant might have been poorly communicated. He felt inadequate compared to her. He didn’t feel like he was enough. She was better than him. He was more into her than she was into him. He didn’t like admitting this, so he went out of his way to not like her so much. To focus on her humanity rather than her divinity. He pushed her away in unique ways, sometimes ways so subtle than he didn’t even know he was doing it.
 
He loved her, no doubt, but he could not show this, as he viewed it as weakness. If she knew how much he loved her, he would give away too much power and she might hurt him. And god knows, he has been hurt badly enough.
 
So he made it about her rather than owning his own inadequacy, his own insecurities.

She was left wondering what was “too much” about her. She knew she was intense and brought a lot to the table. But wasn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it good to have all those traits? Isn’t it good to be vulnerable with the man she loved, to tell him how she felt so that he would not have to assume or be reassured? What was wrong with how she dated?
 
Why did men tell her she was “too much” and then break up with her or cheat on her? Didn’t that just prove their point about their inability to measure up? They cannot even be faithful and she is loyal to a fault. That is not about her, folks. This seems like his issue.
 
What part of this is her issue?
Why does she continue to pick men who are not her equal?
Why does she continue to date them when they have shown their true colors?
What does she need to do about attracting people that will hurt her in the same way? What lesson is embedded in those relationships?

​Not everyone is a good fit emotionally, socially, mentally, physically, spiritually and sexually. She keeps attracting them, but does not weed them out when she sees that she is their “better”. That probably sounds judgmental, but she is out of their league. Either they can rise up to the challenge or they can bring her down to their level in order to match.
 
What would it take for them to equalize and match/fit?
Growth on their part.
 
For her, she has to come to terms with why she is attracted to “that type” of guy, time after time. They are not in short supply. She has her choice of men. She could choose differently, but my guess is that she needs to learn a lesson that only this group can teach. My guess is that it has to do with her intuition and trusting herself. Maybe even on some level proving to herself that she is good enough, no matter what any man/person says to her.
 
There is also a part of herself that she is denying or pretending does not exist. She does not accept all of who she, therefore she will not find a guy who accepts all of who she is.
 
Let me know what you think about this situation
 
This pattern has come up a lot lately, so I will share with you several other situations. Please know that I use the concept of “composite.” That is to say that I am blending the stories of several different people into one person and not doing the name, to protect confidentiality. These are nearly universal experiences, so it is likely you will identify yourself in these stories. Perhaps that will help with your growth process.