Let’s talk conflict

Selfish behavior often creates conflict.

“Why are your needs consistently more important than mine?”
“Because they are my needs.”
I remember hearing Ally McBeal saying that on her show and it sunk in.
​ 
Remember when we were kids and we had to learn to share? Toys, space, food, and other resources. As adults, we realize some people did not fully integrate the lesson. They take what is not theirs. They hoard things such as housing or money. They feel entitled to things that are not theirs. They don’t see their responsibility. Or they learned that to get what they need in life, they must take it.
 
Same thing for countries and romantic relationships- Are we looking out for each other’s needs? Are your needs worth considering or is it all about me? My country first is an example of that- because what you don’t realize is that by putting your country before all others, you are creating discord. You are asking for a problem. Just like the self -absorbed person, no one really likes the self-absorbed country.
 
Challenge: What conditions lead to me being more self-absorbed? When am I less likely to be self-absorbed? What can I do to heal myself with this?
 
Challenge: Look at the field of mediation. What skills from that field could I use? Bayes Rule, Nash Equilibrium, negotiation techniques, empathy, compassion, managing emotions. Do the same with Gottman and the six skills of conflict. It is proprietary information, so I cannot share it with you but I can lead you to it. 

​Feel your feelings
 
Review: When you have conflict, express your feelings, not spew them. When you have a wound, feel the feelings until they dissipate. Don’t let your feelings derail your logic or influence you to act impulsively. When you can do this regularly, your conflict dramatically drops because your inner conflict is gone.
 
Inner conflict often produces outer conflict- get it at its source- internationally, personally, romantically etc.

​In Buddhism there are some concepts that might be helpful when it comes to conflict. “Right action, Right speech, Right livelihood” are a few.
 
Challenge: Look up these concepts and challenge yourself with them. Try them on and see if you can meet the challenge. Imagine what life would be like if we all challenged ourselves to be better

​Sometimes the reason for conflict is simple, someone wants something for nothing. “My account got hacked. Someone stole my car.”
 
How do you react?
“I feel violated (which is an accusation not a feeling) and I am going to____”
“Those jerks did such and such and I’ll get them.”
“I feel vulnerable when stuff like that happens. I am disillusioned.” Then make sure you do what you need to do, but it is coming from a good place rather than a place of vengeance.
 
In relationships, we tend to look out for ourselves more than for the other person. That is human nature. Again, look at the international situation right now. Are we looking out for our own country or are we looking at what is best for the world? Are the people in power making sure everyone’s needs are met or are they ensuring that they get money and power no matter what?
 
At schools, do the staff look out for themselves and make the situation better for themselves or for everyone? There is the ideal versus what often happens.
 
In a romantic relationship, am I balancing your needs with mine? If not, pay attention to the perceived level of trust.
 
Was it a mistake or intentional?
“I just made a mistake” is often not accurate or true and dismisses the pain caused. The person saying it doesn’t want to own that sometimes we do things that we should not. Take responsibility for your behavior and your contribution to the conflict.
 
Cheating, stealing, lying, or otherwise taking the effortless way out instead of acting from a place of integrity will cause a conflict. Address it rather than avoid it. Call it out and acknowledge it. When you do something like that, own it and take full responsibility. The behavior is not great, but pretending it is not that bad or didn’t happen (the cover up) is often more harmful than the original behavior.
 
Challenge: For people creating the conditions for peace, we are called to be better after a mistake or a non-mistake. It is an opportunity for growth and healing. Seize the opportunity.

​Tis the season.
I have already heard a few stories about Thanksgiving and the preparations for Christmas.
 
Please manage expectations and have a plan.
 
Let’s talk conflict
My inner conflict is that I “lost” a file or at least cannot find it. I back up my work and usually have it backed up to another drive. I may, therefore, have a couple repeat blogs.
 
Also, I created a youtube channel called Healthy Conflict. While it is geared towards young adults, many of the concepts are what I teach my married couples and people early in relationship. If you would like to subscribe, you can get more ideas from me about conflict and some good healing messages. I will continue adding ideas and videos from the blog, as well.
 
Today, the subject is Martyrdom.
Martyrdom is simply unattractive and often blames the other. It is a push away for many people. People rarely feel sympathetic to someone who is claiming to be the martyr and it is not often an accurate claim. Rarely, is it the case that one person is 100% wrong and the other is 100% innocent. It does happen, but it is rare.
 
It is a better strategy to see cause and effect and one’s contribution to the problem rather than say, “You wronged me and I did nothing wrong.” We can do better than that.
 
“I feel really hurt by _____(what you said or did)” is a better way to start that conversation. No blame or claim of innocence (often implying all the guilt is on the other person, who is clearly a perpetrator- not going to land well).
Challenge: Clean up your side of the equation. Am I perfect and the other person is awful? Am I blaming the other and not owning my contribution? Am I over reacting? Am I seeing this clearly? Could there be something I am missing?

 
“Do something” is often said in response to a great hurt. This thinking is often just plain wrong. It is saying that something is better than nothing, which is clearly false.

I might not be able to make this better - but acting without considering the consequences can make it worse.
 
When you are in a situation with conflict and high emotion, slowing things down can be helpful.

Take turns listening. Don’t do the talker/talker normal conversation. Slow down and ensure you understand the other person before you take a turn. Clarify and see if you are accurate.
 
Often the first response brings out the worst in us and we justify our actions. Think back to the toddler or baby whose toy was taken and they lash out. Given time, we can think it through instead of just react. Everyone benefits.
 
It is hard to tolerate doing nothing.

It feels vulnerable.

Some people feel weak and impotent, not realizing what taking bad action will do to the situation long-term. Slow down, think it through, think through what your options are and which options might actually serve you.

Hear out the person who is hurting. Let them talk it out and try to understand them fully.

 Let them experience the feelings and process the feelings before they act.

​We talk about tolerance a lot in the world of conflict and mediation. People can be super intolerant at times.

There is a concept called, “The paradox of tolerance” which confuses some people quite a bit.

Here is the idea. You will sometimes work on conflict that feels different. Think about a group that hates other people or has views that, if embraced, could hurt people badly or worse.

If you tolerate that mindset, you are communicating that their views are acceptable. I do not hang out with people who espouse that mindset. When I hear someone using the "n" word or the "r" word, I immediately jump in and say something. If they persist, I can attempt to make them stop or I can ask them to leave or I can leave, if the behavior continues.

For now, let’s say that level of conflict is beyond what we will teach. You will not reach them or help them with the tools we have here.

You may do harm by legitimizing their belief systems. "Hear him out," is one way of trying to say that perhaps their hatred or vitriol has merit. Nope, not going to subject myself to that or risk them thinking that all opinions have merit.

It is not my job to rehabilitate every group and some groups are not negotiating in good faith.

It might be dangerous in some situations- think about gangs. I won’t hurt them and I won’t put myself in a situation that could cause me harm.

Not all beliefs are equal. Some can do harm.

If I tolerate their intolerance, I do more harm than any possible good. 

​Did you practice confronting? Practice it over and over and watch your confidence grow.

What did you notice?

Are you getting better at confronting in a way that does not lead to hostility and aggression (from you)? You cannot control the other person.

Are you feeling more confident in your skills, or do you need more practice? Do you need to role play or practice with someone or mentally rehearse more?

Review the skills and mindset you have done so far.

What do you need to focus on to improve more?

We are almost ready for heavy lifting and it is better when someone has done their work. What that means is that you looked at your triggers and wounds and felt your feelings. Not perfect or fully healed but you know what you are doing and can manage the emotions so they do not bump you off your game.

Take inventory and look at what is left in your inner conflict.

As you heal, your ability to help others in situations with conflict improves.

Let’s talk conflict.

You must practice healthy confrontation when you are improving your ability to do good conflict. Confrontation can be simply pointing out a discrepancy, asking for something or expressing discontent. Practice this skill and do it before you are super mad, if possible, so it is easier not to spew emotions on the person. Expressing emotions is great, spewing is like sneezing on someone. It is just gross.

“You said you were angry at me and yet you were smiling. That doesn’t match and so I am confused which message to pay attention to.”

“The story I am telling myself is that you were flirting with my partner. If the story in my head is true, I am not sure how I feel. Betrayed, violated and I don’t trust you…”

“You said you would do the dishes and then didn’t. How would you like me to interpret that?”

“I am feeling sad about our relationship lately. I have missed you and would like to have some connection.”

“I feel distant from you. Are we okay?”

“I am hurt, disappointed, discouraged. I am not sure we can make it through this. This might be the one that breaks us.”

​Challenge practice confronting- mentally rehearse the above and make some of your own. You know which ones fit you and which ones are not relevant. Imagine the picture of you doing it and try to generate the feelings you might have. I sometimes still tremble when I must confront someone. That means I need to practice it in my head to be more comfortable. What might be harder to confront? Think about your wounds that are yet unhealed. How can you heal them a little more or completely so that this work is easier for you?

How well do I sacrifice my needs and put others first?

Let’s talk conflict

Not throwing myself under the bus, though. Some people struggle to let others be first from time to time or at all.

Think about the level of conflict with that person. There are some opportunities for growth for that person and also for the person in relationship with them. Confronting people is difficult. The mindset is important when confronting.

When you are relating, let them know how their behavior affects you. You are relating to their words and actions.

“When you make it about you, I think you do not care about me. I then question the long-term viability of the relationship.”

“I sometimes think my feelings and preferences don’t matter to you. The story I tell myself is that you see the value of what you want and not what I want. I pull back a bit when I think about that. Do my feelings matter to you?”

​“I would trust you more if you could put me first sometimes. I put you first a lot and I don’t really feel like you reciprocate. Can I rely on you to sacrifice for me when it is important?”