Listening keeps coming up in couples counseling and I find that we all have blindspots. Most people tell me that they are good listeners and then they make a common mistake in listening. They are good, perhaps undisciplined and not great, but they are good listeners.

Please take a look at your own listening rather than look at the mistakes others are making.

In this self-inventory, check how well you are able to let the topic just be. How often do you change the topic, perhaps because you have grown bored? Why else do you change the topic? Be really aware of changing the topic versus truly listening to what the person has to say.

Do you listen while you are checking Facebook, e-mail, voice mail or LinkedIn? If you are listening, unless you are listening on the phone, the phone should not be a distraction. Are you giving good eye contact and sending the message that what the talker is talking about it worth listening to? How do you let the talker know you are listening and you get what they are saying? Are you distractedly listening and then asking the person to repeat themselves? Are you agreeing to things and then not remembering your promises?

Are you signaling contempt for what the person is telling you?

Are you trying to fix the problem or solve it or are you listening just to be with the person?

Are you listening so that you have a better response or are you listening just to listen?

How often do you criticize or judge while you are listening? This is a conversation killer and in my experience, most likely the other person will not tell you why they stopped talking to you. It is not enjoyable to pour out your heart and soul and be judged. You have made it about you, the listener, instead of about the talker.

When you are listening and something the person said triggers an emotion, are you able to still listen or do you become the talker immediately? Are you able to wait your turn or do you interrupt the talker? Do you take turns? Do you control the flow, the content of the conversation or let it be? The message many talkers receive when this happens is, “Please talk, but I have no intention of listening to you.”

My clients say things like, “We cannot even have a conversation, how can we expect to have a relationship?”

We teach validation and clarification. When you are able to really hear someone, put yourself in their shoes and experience life from their perspective, that is deep listening. This is called empathy and you communicate empathy via validation. “I get your perspective.” Cannot repeat this often enough.

Almost everyone I have met is capable of doing it, if they discipline themselves. In counseling, we talk quite a bit about ability (skills) and willingness (“Do they even want to try?”). You communicate clearly whether or not you are willing by disciplining yourself regarding validation.

Once you have practiced validation, you make yourself a better conversation partner. Next step is “doing something about it.” People make multiple requests to get their needs met and validation is a great step in the process. Following through and doing what was agreed upon is where many, many marriages get hung up. The conversation went smoothly enough, they even came to an understanding and agreed on next steps and someone did not do what they promised. They have the conversation again and follow up. The person did understand and truly meant to follow through. Again they agree to it because it makes sense, is reasonable and realistic.

Marriages break down in large numbers if the person again breaks the promise.  At this point, communication is not the problem, the message is the problem. The message the person receives is that their needs do not matter and they will not get their needs met. This is the death knell for many marriages.

It sounds so easy to fix, to move beyond.

This is the essence of marital breakdown.

Someone asked me about supporting someone who is reserved or shy, then used the word, "introvert."

Introverts and extroverts have different needs. I see it as more of a continuum than an either/or.

You support an extrovert by talking and being with them. They tend to recharge their batteries by being around people.

You support an introvert by allowing him time to process to think things through and to be by themselves.

When their batteries are recharged you can supports through similar ways as with an extrovert. When their batteries are low introverts need time alone. 

That is considered supportive.

Things We Wished Men Knew About Women

Every now and then I get nuggets of wisdom from people. Let me share a few:

1.      When we say something, we really mean it.

2.      Read between the lines (when I asked for clarification, they said that they mean what they say and the stereotypical feminine way is less direct than the masculine way. For example, “Please sweep the floor” is more direct than “The floor needs sweeping” although they both mean the same thing.)

3.      Don’t solve, just listen

4.      Pay attention and focus when you are listening

Things We Wished We Knew about Men

The same group of women continued with the above title:

What are men really thinking when we are talking to them?

How do you let things go so easily?

How are you not affected by things that we are not even done processing?

How are things not important to you, when they are so important to us? Ie boundaries, clean house

I would love to read your responses!

Forgiveness and a Rush to Judgment

I find myself thinking about forgiveness these days, partly because my job and partly because what is happening in our world.

What makes it harder to forgive is that we make snap decisions based on little to no evidence. We rush to judge. There is even research that demonstrates how people dig in even more when you challenge them with the facts. Facts do not change their minds, our minds. Once we make up our minds, we reinforce them with evidence that supports us, ignoring evidence that contradicts our position.

Here is my challenge to all of us this week: When you find yourself having a struggle with forgiveness, ask yourself if you have enough information to make a sound decision. Have you looked at the situation from multiple perspectives? Do you have the right to judge another person?

When Pope Francis said, “Who am I to judge?” I was absolutely blown away.