From the Untethered Soul by Singer

I love this book and hate this book. It really challenges me at my core. It is hard to do what it suggests and it is worthwhile at the same time. I see this next part as really liberating for those who accept the challenge:

The author writes that when we have parts of ourselves that we ourselves find unacceptable, we are not willing to see them. That is like living in Rochester and saying that it is not going to snow this year or that it is not snowing right now outside my window. Denying it does not make it go away, it simply puts us at a disadvantage when dealing with the reality of our situation. I cannot control whether or not it snows, I can adjust myself to the reality that it is snowing.

Accept that those parts of you that you do not like, they are still part of you. Feel the pain of being less than perfect, having flaws, making mistakes and then continue living life. Do not avoid things that remind you that you are not perfect. “If you continue to protect yourself you will never be free.”

Put your whole being into whatever is happening- not into your personal sensitivity. Have fun experiencing whatever happens next.

“Watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. Get rid of that part- if you don't want it, don't protect it anymore. The more you protect it the longer it stays!”

Allow yourself to feel disturbed. Allow every feeling to exist (as if you can control that anyway). Remind yourself that you are not your feelings, you are the observer of your feelings. You are the consciousness that observes.

I am always looking for trends and patterns and trying to wrap my head around them.

Here is the latest in differences in couples:
One person, usually the more masculine of the two, is quite happy with the time spent together and the other is not. There are a range of thresholds for this.

So what is the expectation of time together when you have a relationship. How much time is enough? How much time is too much? How much is not enough?

I have heard stories (not firsthand) of people who live near their spouse, but prefer not to live with them. That way, they get their down time, maybe their styles of keeping house are different and most importantly, they do not have to answer to one another for a million little things. From what I hear, the relationships are more intense, more enjoyable for the people. They get together with their partner when they choose.

I am intrigued by this and would love to hear your ideas of together time for couples, time for self and time as a whole family.

Let me know what you think.

When I stop listening and begin preparing my response, I stop listening well. I make it about me instead of making it about you. I want to make sure you understand me, more than I want to make sure I understand you.

That is not great listening.

When I am reactive to what I think I heard you say, that is not great listening. Common, but not great.

When I set aside my ego, my perspective and opinion and truly, sincerely listen to you, then I can begin to say I am a great listener. When I can listen, be engaged, keep you talking until I really get what it is you are saying, then I am on the right track. It is best if I also clarify what you said, just to be sure I got it.

When we fully listen, we eliminate many miscommunications. Let's face it, many of the problems within communication have to do with listening rather than talking.

Can I hear what is not being said and clarify that as well?

I do this presentation for Businesses because many of the rules of relationships are the same whether we have them with co-workers or family or friends and it all starts with words. Business is just a different set of relationships.

When I listen to a customer, I am giving of myself. I am showing them that I have their back, that I am trustworthy in that I can put my needs behind their needs.

Extreme listening is by definition an act of love.

I see myself as wise, or at least knowledgeable. I have read so much about relationships, taken classes, trainings, tried to integrate information and have learned from personal and professional experience.Okay, I see myself as really knowledgeable. My mission in life is to alleviate suffering and my career affords me the opportunity to do so.

Someone suggested I convert my knowledge to wisdom to help even more people. I was intrigued. "What is the difference?" I asked

The answer was simple and transformative. "You can tell by the level of compassion how wise someone is," they said. I don't necessarily have to keep improving my fund of knowledge, reading at a break neck pace and incorporating new concepts. I could practice instead on just being compassionate. Being compassionate is more healing that knowledge. Hmmm

Would you believe that same week a woman who I see as wise challenged me to try on the Hawaiian concept- "I apologize for seeing you as not whole." I am responsible for how I see the world, we all know that in terms of pessimism and optimism. It logically follows that if I see someone as less than whole, I am responsible for the way I see that. Now extend that to yourself. I apologize to myself for seeing myself as not whole. Are we having fun yet?

It was a deep week.

Watch your level of compassion in different circumstances. Are you loving and kind? By the way, compassion is not some wimpy, doormat philosophy. If I have compassion for my children, at times I must challenge them, discipline them and teach lessons. More often, though, the person who is wise and compassionate is gentle with themselves and others, not prone to contempt and judging. That sounds good to me!

I challenge us all to be more compassionate to ourselves and watch the impact it has on the world around us.

All the best,
Don

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I want things the way I want them. I have strong preferences and I assume that my way is what is best for me. When I let go of the control, there is no telling how things will work out.

Being out of control can be scary to people, very scary. This often depends on what happened in their past when they were not in control.

Please look at your life and when it is easiest to let go of control and when it is hardest. Do you believe that life works out and things are going to be okay? If you do, you allow them to unfold, to happen organically. If you have had the experience that sometimes life really hurts you, you are more likely to push or pull or somehow manipulate to get your way.

Do a quick inventory of what is challenging in terms of letting go for you.


Of what do I need to let go?

Here are some of the ones I hear the most. I have put them in the masculine form, though I hear the same trends from women:

Closure-issues from my past, hers, ours

Am I still hung up on what’s her name, my first girlfriend?
Am I comparing my wife with ________?
Am I still thinking about you-know-who at inopportune times?
Does my wife know I still have contact with what’s her name?

Can I let go of the difficulty we had when we were first dating, or the miscarriage, the affair, that porn thing, the thing she said about me to her family/friends?

Do I need closure about that guy she was dating before we met, or the time I thought she was having an affair and she denied it, or that time she was traveling and when she got back, she talked in her sleep.

Everyone lets go or else sleep could not happen. We have plenty of practice at letting go. Exercise your letting go muscle and be mindful of what it feels like each time you let go. There can be a freeing quality to it or a sweet surrender.

Here is to a week of experimenting with letting go.

All the best,
Don

I ran across this article from a few years back that seems to have the same relevance today that it had back then.

"Neither do we know why the self-esteem of girls drops markedly at ages 12 or 13 or why girls are more cooperative and involved in relationships (Gilligan, Lyons & Hanmer, 1990). Actually, interesting recent research indicates that the drop in math and science grades only occurs in girls from traditional families in which gender roles are emphasized and the mothers are assigned the child-rearing role. Girls in egalitarian families also spent seven more hours per week with their fathers than girls in traditional families. These findings are reported in Psychology Today, August, 1996, and based on Kimberly A. Updegraff's research as a graduate student at Penn State. Good fathering is important.

Men and women operate in two very different social worlds. Men are in an ongoing contest, competing with everyone by displaying their competence and skill. Why don't men ask for directions when lost? Because it puts them in a you-know-more-than-I-do position. Women are cautious but persistently seek intimacy; they want emotional support, cooperation, and praise. Given these different orientations, it is no wonder the sexes have trouble communicating!

Many men relish getting into lively arguments about politics, sports, or a professional issue. Like boys at play, men are establishing their place in the pecking order."

While we point out the differences in gender, I would also like to say that I am finding more and more sameness between genders as I do this counseling work. There are more style differences than gender differences. The idea is not to highlight the differences, it is to point out potential hurdles so that we can adequately prepare.

While watching the video Celestine Prophecy, I was reminded about sending energy. Both men and women thrive on energy and attention and appreciation. Imagine a society in which everyone got their fill of energy. We can do this for our partners. I can send my wife energy and she instantly feels better. She does the same for me and then I have more to send her. We can expand this and expand this. The movie highlights this at the end and the ironic part is that my wife does energy healing in which she sends energy to people. It is a great complement to the counseling practice and we are working on ways to bring this gift to more people.

Imagine opening your heart on a regular basis to your partner and feeling full of energy. It is a wonderful place from which to operate. It has great implications for relationships as well.

School starts up soon, so I look forward to more regular blog posting.

All the best,
Don

What is the meaning of marriage? How did we arrive at such an institution? Does it deserve to continue in its current form? Do we just go along or do we reflect on its meaning?

I have heroes, models for different parts of my life. One of my heroes is Gandhi. Our society has very few of these heroes when it comes to marriage. Do you have a marriage that you look up to? Could you share it here on this blog?

Gandhi challenged us to lead an extraordinary life, then gave an example of what it would look like, proving that it was possible. Difficult, but entirely possible.

Here are some questions he asked. I have tailored them to be about marriage, but he was asking them about society.

Look deeply at your relationship, do you think that this is how marriage ought to be organized? If you do not, please realize you and your partner can organize your relationship as you both see fit. You have the power to do that. Do not follow a model that works for others if it does not work for you ( "unreflecting submission to mass values," Gandhi called it) or you "become alienated from your deepest values."

Once you have accomplished that task, consider the following question- Do we think it is morally appropriate to set relationships up like that? In other words, just because you can set it up any way the two of you like, does not mean you should or that it would be good for you, morally.

Gandhi talked about the ego, often without labeling it as such. He notes that we are individuals and part of a greater whole. If we focus on one or the other without acknowledging the context, we lose our way. Within the relationship, we often look at our individual needs out of context of what the marital system needs to function. We may get what we need (often this is a want defined as a need) but at whose expense? Or we look at what we believe is good for the marriage, subjugating our own needs. There is likewise a cost for doing this.

Many couples say they have not thought through the philosophy of their marriage and when they do so, they find it quite a bit easier to make it work. Others say that they do not want to think about it, they just want it to flow. I describe flow in this way: The Summer Olympics 2012 are currently on. After years and years of dedicated practice, these elite athletes perform in a way that looks effortless. That is flow. You cannot ignore your marriage or the skills necessary to be successful in marriage and then expect to make the marriage look effortless, when it is in trouble. It is work, hard work and it is worth the effort.

So what is the meaning?
You give your life meaning by creating meaning, not by finding it.

Gandhi was a fierce critic of modernity. It is said he believed it robbed us of deeper meanings and of connection with ourselves. We abdicate our responsibility when we think this is the only way we can live, and do not question if there are other, perhaps better ways. He would advocate bringing society into harmony with our deepest values, not bringing our values into harmony with current society's values. The same can be said for relationships.

So each marriage has its own meaning, depending on the meaning you create it. The reason so many marriages are meaningless right now, is that the couple has not taken the time to create the meaning.

All the best,
Don


Lucy, I apologize that I cannot get my reply to your comment to work. I am less computer savvy than I thought. Keep the comments coming. They make me think.

Honey,

Thank you for another friendly year. You are a good person and I respect you as the mother of my children.

As far as our marriage goes, this was a year I prefer to forget. You see, I want an active spouse, not just someone to mother my children. I would like an active relationship with some romance, someone who is invested in us. While I am grateful that you have invested so much in the children, I often feel like an outsider.

There are days at a time that when I try to emotionally connect with you, you dismiss me. You don't make time for us even when I do all the things you ask me to do.

It feels like you just don’t want to connect. I am thinking that with enough repetitions of this, I won’t want to be close to you either. You see, it hurts to be rejected repeatedly, even if I am a guy and we are supposed to be used to it.

This marriage is probably not going to work unless you engage in it and yet I am afraid to say it again because whenever I mention something I would like or prefer you get so doggone defensive. Walking on eggshells is not good for a marriage.

Again, I have been shot down 90% of the times that I try to get close to you emotionally (I won’t even begin to talk about the physical aspect of our relationship) so I am not sure it is going to work.

I am at the point of asking “Why do people get married?”

Happy Anniversary

By the way, if this sounds like your relationship, give me a call. There are definitely ways we can improve

Dear Couples Counselor,

So I realize I am getting out of work early. My wife and I have not connected in awhile. We kinda did yesterday for a bit, so we are on the right track, mostly. I would like to connect with her tonight as it is our normal night for one another. It is our unwritten rule that we hang together and if we get intimate, this is one of our best opportunities and here I am early out of work.

I am looking forward to seeing her, so I let her know that I am on my way. She replies favorably and I get my hopes up. Is this a mistake or is this just trying to let the past be in the past? Is this me being naïve or in denial or is it me cutting slack?

So she knows I am coming home but she is in the middle of a project (late night project) and says she will finish soon, but I can talk with her while she is working on her project. I try talking with her and find that she is just too preoccupied with that and answering texts. I go and do the dishes she made, to lighten the load, do my part etc. Rather than say, “thanks,” she becomes defensive and says, “you don’t have to do that, you know.”

I realize that while she invited me to talk to her and connect while she is doing the project, that is simply not realistic right now. No matter, I go and busy myself. She gets done with her project and gets on the computer to do some work (paid) stuff.

Now, 90 minutes after I came home, she is ready to be done with her stuff. Mind you, it is late night. I am in the shower, still hoping to get lucky, but a bit sweaty. I am trying to make the situation as good as possible.

She falls asleep while I am rubbing her back.

So, I feel like she is selfish, putting her needs and her interests in front of the relationship. Then she falls asleep after postponing physical intimacy yet again. But wait, she wakes up and wants to be intimate. I attempt not feeling insulted and ignored. I pleasure her and she tells me she might not be able to reciprocate in the same way. After what appears to be a good bit of pleasure just on her part, she says she is spent for the night and cannot pleasure me at all.

I try to release expectations. I try to not be resentful.

Perhaps we will connect in the morning.

The next morning she extends her walk by 30 minutes, then comes home and waters the plants. This is often time that we connect. Then she says she is going to jump in the shower. She is making sure she gets everything done while I am there so she can spend as much time with the kids as possible.

I look at things differently. I am doing my best to get those things done so she and I can spend time together.

So she is a wonderful person, no doubt. I think she is awfully insensitive as a wife. I have repeatedly brought these issues to her, she works on them with her counselor. She likes how I bring them up to her, respectfully. I am just about done with trying.

Is this a relationship worth saving?

Dear reader- please let me know your thoughts. I am sometimes overly optimistic about saving a relationship and what is worth saving. What do you think about this? Can you see yourself in this?

  "My wife makes me angry!"

Dear reader: I am risking you having a strong reaction to this, so please cut me some slack as I walk through the logic. Try to not take it too personally. If emotions come up, go ahead and deal with them, let them evaporate and come back to the words here.

Let’s look at what he is really saying. “She is responsible for my feelings. I have no control over how I feel. She did something and the only option I have is to feel angry,” therefore, “she made me angry.”

Obviously, this is a logic trap and yet so many of us fall into it.

I can only be happy if my wife ____ (fill in the blank).

I choose to be happy only if my wife ____

Unless my wife does ____ I refuse to be happy

It is impossible for me to be happy if my wife _______

Why would I consciously create such a dilemma in my brain? I choose to be happy only if she _____ (fill in the blank).

Also, isn’t that a bit controlling? If she doesn’t ____(fill in blank) then she is responsible for my feelings.

That feels more like a guilt trip. Also, look at what is in your blank.

On a deeper level, I am saying “Unless she does what I want her to do, I will punish her by being angry or at least withholding my happiness from her.”

We all do this, right?

Can we stop and take responsibility for our behavior with this?

I am responsible for how I feel.

The events that happen influence me, ultimately I am responsible for how I respond. That makes sense.

I am not some helpless victim. I do not have only one response to no matter what happens. I have choices, options.

Again, “I refuse to allow myself to be happy if my wife does not do what I would like her to do.” We can justify this all day and yet, it rings false.

We create our own misery, happiness and sadness. Do not limit what you allow to make you happy!

With Peace,

Don