Bashing as contempt
Saying the sentence "Male bashing is not acceptable" started a firestorm. As the conversation continued, it became clear that she defined "bashing " as someone acknowledging that men, in general, do such and such. My definition has a different perspective. I see bashing, shaming, blaming and contempt as corrosive to conversation.
When you say "Women are better than men," you reignite an age old fight. When you indicate that either gender, any race, creed, color is inferior, you run afoul of helpful communication. When you tell me, a man, that all men suck, it doesn't feel good. Superior, smug, better than- are synonyms of contempt. When you said, “I’m just being direct,” you misspoke. That is called “antagonistic,” not direct. Direct would have been you talking about the impact of specific behavior from the person who wronged you. That would have been direct communication.
Acknowledging that the stereotype is that more women than men do x behavior and you don't like that behavior is a different conversation entirely.
How do people show contempt? Criticism is demonstrated contempt. You thinking that you have the right to criticize means, on some level, that you think you are right/better than and that I am wrong. Criticizing someone and then "correcting " them is usually left to bosses, parents and teachers; the people in charge. When you criticize or correct a peer, you stepped over a boundary unless that person asked for it. Unsolicited feedback is never welcome! Your message is likely to be lost because your way of delivering it was not welcome.
Antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. Get in the space where you are looking for the positive and pointing out how you appreciate the person.
For more on this topic, check out John Gottman (in YouTube) Four Horsemen (Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce) Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a book that I appreciate and I have since found a few YouTube videos of his work. There are also a few presentations on SlideShare. Helps us communicate on higher levels and reminds us that we all need to keep practicing to reach higher levels...
Saying the sentence "Male bashing is not acceptable" started a firestorm. As the conversation continued, it became clear that she defined "bashing " as someone acknowledging that men, in general, do such and such. My definition has a different perspective. I see bashing, shaming, blaming and contempt as corrosive to conversation.
When you say "Women are better than men," you reignite an age old fight. When you indicate that either gender, any race, creed, color is inferior, you run afoul of helpful communication. When you tell me, a man, that all men suck, it doesn't feel good. Superior, smug, better than- are synonyms of contempt. When you said, “I’m just being direct,” you misspoke. That is called “antagonistic,” not direct. Direct would have been you talking about the impact of specific behavior from the person who wronged you. That would have been direct communication.
Acknowledging that the stereotype is that more women than men do x behavior and you don't like that behavior is a different conversation entirely.
How do people show contempt? Criticism is demonstrated contempt. You thinking that you have the right to criticize means, on some level, that you think you are right/better than and that I am wrong. Criticizing someone and then "correcting " them is usually left to bosses, parents and teachers; the people in charge. When you criticize or correct a peer, you stepped over a boundary unless that person asked for it. Unsolicited feedback is never welcome! Your message is likely to be lost because your way of delivering it was not welcome.
Antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. Get in the space where you are looking for the positive and pointing out how you appreciate the person.
For more on this topic, check out John Gottman (in YouTube) Four Horsemen (Four Negative Patterns That Predict Divorce) Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg is a book that I appreciate and I have since found a few YouTube videos of his work. There are also a few presentations on SlideShare. Helps us communicate on higher levels and reminds us that we all need to keep practicing to reach higher levels...
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