I will be introducing action steps or exercises for those of you who requested balancing the ideas and quotes with a more practical approach to keep the spark or get the spark. I find that more women than men read the blogs and relationship articles, in general. I am trying to appeal to the men in my practice to read these and learn how to make their side of the relationship better.
Think for a moment what you believe you are doing right in attraction and romance and passion. Write it down. Many of the exercises are directly from the writings of Tantra: Ashby, Deida, Anand, Odier, me and the world of pick up artists (for example, Neil Strauss). My hope is that by following them you will become better at picking up your partner, courting her, if you follow these exercises and expand your comfort zone. I’ve included courting tips, sexual tips, ideas to consider, inspirational quotes and motivational quotes. Take what you need… Are you signaling that you have no value, no life, nothing to offer and are just glad to be along for the ride? Take stock of how you come off to other people. Do you have friends and family who want to be with you? Why do they like you and want to spend time with you? If you are unsure, please ask them. If people do not recognize your worth, it is possible that you are not properly communicating your worth/value to them. Rather than blame them and withdraw, which is what many of us do, consider looking at your worth to them and attempting to demonstrate it in a way that is clear and compels them to want to spend time with you. How would you do that? Can you imagine if people treated sexuality with more respect and honored their partner and the process more highly? EXERCISE: Contemplate these quotes. Read through them one by one and think about how this applies to you at this very point in your life. Once you understand the power of tantra, you realize you have to treat it with respect. It is sacred and powerful and can burn you if you are in it just for the sex. It is meant for personal development Art of Sexual Ecstasy Quotes (M. Anand): “High Sex is a simple, step-by-step process that is accessible to anyone who wants to find a gentle and conscious way of bring the spirit back into sex, of honoring sexual union as a bridge between body and soul.” Sex is sacred and beautiful and should be honored- imagine teaching our young people to honor it and respect its potential to transform them. “High sex takes the experience of orgasm to a new dimension- a dimension in which genital orgasm is only the beginning. It inspires you to explore the full capacity of orgasm, culminating in ecstatic body-to-body and soul-to-soul communion. It is an experience of the whole body, the whole being. The path helps your body to be free of tensions, your head to be trusting and open, and your mind to develop such psychic skills as visualization, imagination and meditation. When this integration has taken place, you are ready for a new, qualitatively higher sexual experience in which physical pleasure becomes a delight of the heart and an ecstasy of the spirit…Ecstasy is a state as natural as sleeping or breathing… a transformation of sex…a recovery of our ecstatic self in love. We need to bring the spirit-the inspiration to manifest our highest potential- back into sex…cultivating the art of sexual ecstasy to reach higher states of consciousness and in this way deepening our intimacy with our loved ones.” “One moment of ecstasy can transform your life.” Exercise- Play music you like when you are alone. Let your body find the rhythm of the music and move to it. Surrender to the music and be in your body, aware of the music as well as your body. Practice this so that you are in touch with your body and how it moves. Let yourself be led and be responsive to the changes, without tuning out or getting distracted. Pay special attention to your hips. (We will do special hip stretches and exercises as time goes on.) Not the bland, numb, charity sex or obligation sex… You know, more love making?
Where it’s not just settling for physical pleasure but enhancing it and taking up a notch? Want a deeper emotional connection and take it to the next level? How about feeling super connected then moving to spectacular physical pleasure? Add in secure feelings of being loved… Imagine what that would feel like physically and emotionally. No really, take a moment and put yourself in that scenario. Feel it in your body and let your emotions flow. Are you willing to do the personal work, being gut level honest with yourself and the world, in order to get what you really want? Some people want something for nothing and get a bit lazy rather than doing the work and self discipline that this requires. Are you willing to lean into the emotional pain in your life? That’s how you get to the emotional connection, the courage, the bravery to have difficult conversations and overcome self consciousness. EXERCISE: Are you bold enough to ask for what you want? How about doing the work to know what you want (self awareness) and having the audacity to request what you want? Do you have the courage to look at yourself honestly and your level of self love and self care? When you love yourself and take good care of yourself, you are more open to receiving love, to lowering your walls and defenses and connecting deeply. Or are you trying to manipulate someone to love you to make up for what you lack in self love? Are you manipulating their perception of you to trick them into approving of you? EXERCISE: Are you willing to spend time in solitude, with just you and the silence and really get to know yourself? The ugly parts, too? Own all of you and embrace it, accept it and then watch how it often changes by itself. We all have shadow sides that we don’t readily show or we deny they exist, except we can’t fool ourselves. Own the shadow and you’ll like what happens. EXERCISE: Can you sit with your own anxiety and not overreact? Feel the emotion. Name the fear or the thought that created your anxiety and sit with it. Don’t do anything except experience it. Practice doing that every single time you have anxiety and you have nothing to fear. Watch how that helps you in relationships and with sex. No over reactions, just raw experience and going with the flow. No stopping or avoiding or escaping, no controlling or manipulating, just experiencing… EXERCISE: Can you look at your shortcomings honestly and openly and make the necessary adjustments? Go ahead and problem solve. For example, I want 6-pack abs and am only willing to do 5 situps a day. Can you see what is wrong with this problem solving? Do what it takes to change what needs to be changed. That is taking responsibility and taking the initiative. Partners find that really attractive. The victim stuff or blame or not trying is not attractive. Can you accept who you are in the meantime? Will you accept the call to become who you really truly are and hold yourself accountable to get there? No more complaints or blaming, no more victim thinking or justifying less than your best effort. Be who you are and put yourself in the feeling state of flow, get it done and see it clearly and honestly- forgiveness and compassion for the highest good of all. We are all capable of so much more than we realize!! Push yourself out of your comfort zone when it comes to feelings and letting down your wall. Watch how much better your emotional connection becomes. You can learn what has been called “Sacred sexuality” or Tantra. Be ready to enjoy yourself and grow by leaps and bounds. It is worth the work that you put in. Try it for six months, doing the real work, the necessary work at the proper level of effort required and you will not settle for just having sex. Breathing exercise 1 Breathe in through your mouth, very slowly, for as long as you can. As you breathe, think about each of the colors of the rainbow in turn. When you have mastered this, breathe in this manner, thinking about the colors in turn and add your eyes looking up, one chakra at a time- all in one breath. First chakra is red (located between your genitals and buttocks), then eyes go to second chakra (put your hand on the pelvic bone) orange, then third (solar plexus) yellow and fourth (heart) green fifth is throat (blue) and sixth (between the eye brows) indigo and crown chakra (top of head) white. Get all the colors in the rainbow in one breath. Once you’ve mastered that, in that same breath, go back from crown chakra back to root chakra, being aware of the color of each chakra. Should be relaxing, so that is the goal is to relax when you are excited- in order to not tense muscles, but fully enjoy the experience. Relax into the pleasure, the excitement… |
Don Boice
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