Per Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
"Common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our feelings:
1 use of impersonal pronouns such as "it" and that "it really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures" Versus "I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in a public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image."
2 The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion), because ..." followed by a person or personal pronoun other than the word I: "I feel hurt because you said you don't love me."" I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise."
Better is "I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother."
3 Statements to mention only the actions of others: "When you don't call me on my birthday, I feel hurt."
"Mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."
Versus "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy."
In each of these instances, we deepen our awareness of our own responsibility when we use the phrase, " I feel..., because I... ."
Be careful not to motivate by guilt -we do this by attributing the responsibility of my own feelings to other people.
"It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades at school."
I'm implying the child's actions are the cause of my happiness or unhappiness. That's not me taking responsibility.
If the children who assumed this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they're not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
Why not say "my need for intimacy is not being met" versus "you have been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me?"
I am doing quite a bit of reading on Mediation (45 books, then stopped counting) to start a Divorce Mediation business this summer (2017). Just finished a 25 hour training, couple day conference and in June I am completing a 40 hour training. Helping people deal with conflict has been a mainstay since I started counseling 29 years ago (I am officially old), so it feels like a natural extension of who I am.
"Common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our feelings:
1 use of impersonal pronouns such as "it" and that "it really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures" Versus "I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in a public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image."
2 The use of the expression "I feel (an emotion), because ..." followed by a person or personal pronoun other than the word I: "I feel hurt because you said you don't love me."" I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise."
Better is "I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother."
3 Statements to mention only the actions of others: "When you don't call me on my birthday, I feel hurt."
"Mommy is disappointed when you don't finish your food."
Versus "Mommy feels disappointed when you don't finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy."
In each of these instances, we deepen our awareness of our own responsibility when we use the phrase, " I feel..., because I... ."
Be careful not to motivate by guilt -we do this by attributing the responsibility of my own feelings to other people.
"It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades at school."
I'm implying the child's actions are the cause of my happiness or unhappiness. That's not me taking responsibility.
If the children who assumed this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they're not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs.
Why not say "my need for intimacy is not being met" versus "you have been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me?"
I am doing quite a bit of reading on Mediation (45 books, then stopped counting) to start a Divorce Mediation business this summer (2017). Just finished a 25 hour training, couple day conference and in June I am completing a 40 hour training. Helping people deal with conflict has been a mainstay since I started counseling 29 years ago (I am officially old), so it feels like a natural extension of who I am.
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