We fear being left alone, neglected and abandoned. Will you be there for me?
Susan Johnson, PhD calls it the Attachment Channel. She talks about the fact that so many couples do not believe that their partner is there for them. They want connection and attachment. They want to know that their partner has their back, that their pain matters to the partner. She talks about relentless empathy and tuning into the felt experience of the other person in the relationship. "When you hurt, it matters to me."
She goes on to tell the story of someone who so desperately wanted to know if the partner would be there for her, that she faked her own suicide. The partner heard the noises and came to the basement 6 minutes later. She got her answer.
Emotionally mature couples can tolerate the feelings, even when they are intense. They know their inner landscape and can navigate it well. They can put a coherent frame on the experience so that it benefits the situation. Sometimes it is easier to stay behind your wall than to engage your partner and feel the desperation of yet again being ignored. Not better, just easier It is easier to shut down than to feel, to numb out rather than engage, at least short term.
My challenge to you is to ask yourself what it is that you do that makes it easier for your partner to engage, to know that you are there for them.
Susan Johnson, PhD calls it the Attachment Channel. She talks about the fact that so many couples do not believe that their partner is there for them. They want connection and attachment. They want to know that their partner has their back, that their pain matters to the partner. She talks about relentless empathy and tuning into the felt experience of the other person in the relationship. "When you hurt, it matters to me."
She goes on to tell the story of someone who so desperately wanted to know if the partner would be there for her, that she faked her own suicide. The partner heard the noises and came to the basement 6 minutes later. She got her answer.
Emotionally mature couples can tolerate the feelings, even when they are intense. They know their inner landscape and can navigate it well. They can put a coherent frame on the experience so that it benefits the situation. Sometimes it is easier to stay behind your wall than to engage your partner and feel the desperation of yet again being ignored. Not better, just easier It is easier to shut down than to feel, to numb out rather than engage, at least short term.
My challenge to you is to ask yourself what it is that you do that makes it easier for your partner to engage, to know that you are there for them.
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