Come as you Are by Nagoski (workbook)
She writes about arousal and desire and asks us to be verbally precise:
Sex related stimuli are sensations and perceptions that your brain learned to associate with sexual arousal.
“It is not just that this turns me on, or that turns me off.”
Consider tickling.
Not everyone loves to be tickled. Tickling could be pleasurable and lead to further play. If you’re angry, though, how does the tickling feel? The context makes a difference.
If you were in a not so great, stressful context, it does not matter how sexy the partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is, almost nothing will activate the curious, exploring desire.
Regarding desire, consider a context that has high trust, high affection, low stress, and is explicitly erotic.
Imagine feeling confident and healthy, emotionally and physically- without undue stress or pain.
Imagine having an attractive partner who respects you and accepts you as you are.
Imagine feeling trusting and affectionate in your relationship and feeling desired by your partner.
Imagine being in a setting that lets the brakes turn off -and the accelerator turn on.
The door is locked.
Maybe maybe you’re on vacation and you are approached in a way that makes you feel special.
Life stressors, family work money, state of the world.
How would your desire for your partner be affected by that setting or that context?
She writes about arousal and desire and asks us to be verbally precise:
Sex related stimuli are sensations and perceptions that your brain learned to associate with sexual arousal.
“It is not just that this turns me on, or that turns me off.”
Consider tickling.
Not everyone loves to be tickled. Tickling could be pleasurable and lead to further play. If you’re angry, though, how does the tickling feel? The context makes a difference.
If you were in a not so great, stressful context, it does not matter how sexy the partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is, almost nothing will activate the curious, exploring desire.
Regarding desire, consider a context that has high trust, high affection, low stress, and is explicitly erotic.
Imagine feeling confident and healthy, emotionally and physically- without undue stress or pain.
Imagine having an attractive partner who respects you and accepts you as you are.
Imagine feeling trusting and affectionate in your relationship and feeling desired by your partner.
Imagine being in a setting that lets the brakes turn off -and the accelerator turn on.
The door is locked.
Maybe maybe you’re on vacation and you are approached in a way that makes you feel special.
Life stressors, family work money, state of the world.
How would your desire for your partner be affected by that setting or that context?
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