Talk with your partner about initiating sex. What do you prefer regarding initiation and what does your partner prefer?
Do the same for saying no.
Hey, I’m feeling kind of horny and want to fool around. Would you be up for that?
I’m feeling kiss Horni. I just want to make out not go any further. Maybe if that changes as well we’re doing it I’d be open to that but I’d really like to make out.
Hey I’m in desperate need of touch. I’d love a hug a long hug or cuddle or spooning or just being together. I don’t know what’s going on but I really need touch right now
Hey it’s been a while since we’ve been sexual, and I wonder are we OK? Is there something that we need to talk about? Did I do something to offend you?
Some couples are much more direct and some couples are much more indirect. I found that the more indirect people have significantly less sex. They don’t want to be rejected they don’t want to put themselves out there and have the potential to be rejected so they ask in ways that the partner doesn’t even know they’re asking for sex. When they talk about it later the one partner says it was obvious that I wanted sex the other partner says it wasn’t obvious to me and I wanted to have sex I wish we had done that differently.
I would love to have sex, maybe even just a quickie. I’m not really up for a marathon tonight but I want to be close to you. It feels like it’s been a while and I think that would help us feel better.
I’m really struggling with sleep, would you help me with that I know after sex I get very sleepy and I would like to get close to you and have sleep. But a part of me feels like I’m using you and I feel guilty even asking that.
I know that you would like sex, and I haven’t taken a shower yet and I don’t want to take a shower just yet. If you would like me to just pleasure you, I’d be OK with that. But I don’t want to have sex.
I’m not really in the mood for sex right now. I don’t know why. We’re OK I just feel like I’m in a funk. I don’t feel well. Maybe we can later on today or tomorrow.
For example if your partner asks you to be sexual and you say no there are nice ways to do it in harmful ways to say it.
“ Sex sounds wonderful. I really love you. I wonder what time this weekend would be good for us to do that. I’m really tired tonight but I would love to be sexual with you. Let’s figure it out this weekend.”
This person was crystal clear that they were saying no to the timing of sex. They weren’t saying no to their partner or to the idea of sex. The person asking for a sex might feel a tinge of disappointment, but was carefully done to not reject the person.
That’s a skillful language. You can go ahead and put that into your phone in the notes section so the next time that you want to say no you have an idea of how to do it in a way that’s not hurtful.