Amir Levine
Attached
Avoidance chapter
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you tend to be less happy and satisfied in your relationship.
You do not have to be a slave to evolutionary forces.
The style determines to a great extent what you expect in relationships,
how you interpret romantic situations,
and how you behave with your date or a partner.
You are always maneuvering to keep people at a distance.
You see others as needy and dependent, and view those things as negative.
You ignore your own needs and fears about relationship.
You seemingly despise others for being needy and are yourselves immune to those needs.
***Is that really the case though?
They seem to be free spirits, the studies show that they’re not as free as they would like to portray.*
The style does want to connect, but they always maintain some mental distance and perhaps an escape route.
Feeling close and complete with someone else is a condition that they find difficult to maintain.
They are using “deactivating strategies” -any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy.
Imagine how much energy it takes to do a deactivating strategy.
What are some common deactivating strategies?
Saying or thinking to oneself I am not ready to commit. But still staying together sometimes for years.
Focusing on small imperfections in your partner, for example the way they talk, Dress, eat and allowing it to get in the way
Flirting with other people, a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship
Not saying, “I love you,” but still implying those feelings
Pulling away when things are going well, not calling for several days after an intimate date.
Forming relationships with an impossible future, someone who’s married
Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you
Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain the feeling of independence.
Avoiding physical closeness, not wanting to have sex, walking ahead of your partner, not wanting to share the same bed.
Your mind is governed by overarching perceptions and beliefs about relationships that ensure a disconnect with your partner, and they get in the way of your happiness, -that’s what it means to have an avoidant attachment style.
You’re blithely unaware of this unconstructive thought pattern.
For example, “you can only count on yourself. “
“Relationships who needs them? Why would I waste my time being with someone when I can only count on myself?”
Attached
Avoidance chapter
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you tend to be less happy and satisfied in your relationship.
You do not have to be a slave to evolutionary forces.
The style determines to a great extent what you expect in relationships,
how you interpret romantic situations,
and how you behave with your date or a partner.
You are always maneuvering to keep people at a distance.
You see others as needy and dependent, and view those things as negative.
You ignore your own needs and fears about relationship.
You seemingly despise others for being needy and are yourselves immune to those needs.
***Is that really the case though?
They seem to be free spirits, the studies show that they’re not as free as they would like to portray.*
The style does want to connect, but they always maintain some mental distance and perhaps an escape route.
Feeling close and complete with someone else is a condition that they find difficult to maintain.
They are using “deactivating strategies” -any behavior or thought that is used to squelch intimacy.
Imagine how much energy it takes to do a deactivating strategy.
What are some common deactivating strategies?
Saying or thinking to oneself I am not ready to commit. But still staying together sometimes for years.
Focusing on small imperfections in your partner, for example the way they talk, Dress, eat and allowing it to get in the way
Flirting with other people, a hurtful way to introduce insecurity into the relationship
Not saying, “I love you,” but still implying those feelings
Pulling away when things are going well, not calling for several days after an intimate date.
Forming relationships with an impossible future, someone who’s married
Checking out mentally when your partner is talking to you
Keeping secrets and leaving things foggy to maintain the feeling of independence.
Avoiding physical closeness, not wanting to have sex, walking ahead of your partner, not wanting to share the same bed.
Your mind is governed by overarching perceptions and beliefs about relationships that ensure a disconnect with your partner, and they get in the way of your happiness, -that’s what it means to have an avoidant attachment style.
You’re blithely unaware of this unconstructive thought pattern.
For example, “you can only count on yourself. “
“Relationships who needs them? Why would I waste my time being with someone when I can only count on myself?”
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