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Be a Man!

4/28/2016

3 Comments

 
​Be a Man!

I just witnessed this and wanted to share. The people involved thought they were acting reasonably, by the way.

She told her husband that she wanted him to be a real man, to man up, to be a confident man, as she was actively tearing him down. Then she told him she was sick of being in charge, while she took charge yet again. I tried to get her to release the reins and she refused, refusing also to see her role in our particular dynamic. She portrayed herself as a victimized woman, never in power, as she powerfully defended her victim position. It would have been funny…

“I want you to be in charge, to take charge. Here’s exactly how I want you to do it,” she said.

Believe it or not, it was dealing with a romantic relationship and the guy was a little gun shy. Each time he went in for a kiss, he was rebuffed, then he was told he didn’t flirt enough, wasn’t physical in the right way and quite frankly was not manly. She took 0% of the responsibility for her role in this dance and it was my job to help her see that she had a part to play. While I normally love my job, this was not something I was looking forward to doing.

I gently pointed out the difference between her words and actions and she went ballistic and left the office.

We later talked about mixed signals. She clearly (I made sure I was not just guessing on this) had a pre determined way she wanted him to come in for the kiss. She wanted him to read her mind, she said, and just come in the way she wanted, when she wanted, for as long as she wanted and not have to talk about it at all. He had to figure it out if he was to win her back. (She was the one who had the affair, by the way.)

When he withdrew, seeing absolutely no hope for saving this, she was livid that he did not fight for the relationship. I saw that one coming from a mile away. She then went off on him.

After this session, I asked a number of people the following questions: “Whose job is it to initiate a kiss? How do you know when the partner wants to be kissed or is open to it?”

​Before I reveal what they said, what are your views on this?
3 Comments
Larua
4/30/2016 09:17:31 am

Random Thoughts

I'm somewhat struck by the idea of "whose JOB is it..." Part of me totally understands the terminology. It makes sense to me in a visceral way. And part of me says "if the initiation of a kiss is strategic, part of a job description, rather than heartfelt, I wonder if it would be effective." I imagine it could be both, and it would be important that it was at least both.

I know that in my relationship, my partner is more likely to initiate a kiss than I am, and that feels right to me (don't ask me to defend that!).

I also know that an attempt at a kiss is not the best way to try to reconnect with me (a female) after disconnection. If I'm not yet ready for a kiss, I also don't want to be rejecting - it doesnt' serve my long term interest of reconnection - ut's likely to cause more distance. I would prefer kind words, a shoulder rub, sitting next to me while engaged in parallel play, some protective act (like getting the car for me when it's raining, or brining the wet laundry upstairs for me - I thnk of the cartoon making hte rounds of FB with two older married folk sitting on opposite ends of the park bench, backs turned to each other, each sulking, and he is holding an umbrella over her to protect her from the rain.).

Reply
Larua
4/30/2016 09:17:50 am

Random Thoughts

I'm somewhat struck by the idea of "whose JOB is it..." Part of me totally understands the terminology. It makes sense to me in a visceral way. And part of me says "if the initiation of a kiss is strategic, part of a job description, rather than heartfelt, I wonder if it would be effective." I imagine it could be both, and it would be important that it was at least both.

I know that in my relationship, my partner is more likely to initiate a kiss than I am, and that feels right to me (don't ask me to defend that!).

I also know that an attempt at a kiss is not the best way to try to reconnect with me (a female) after disconnection. If I'm not yet ready for a kiss, I also don't want to be rejecting - it doesnt' serve my long term interest of reconnection - ut's likely to cause more distance. I would prefer kind words, a shoulder rub, sitting next to me while engaged in parallel play, some protective act (like getting the car for me when it's raining, or brining the wet laundry upstairs for me - I thnk of the cartoon making hte rounds of FB with two older married folk sitting on opposite ends of the park bench, backs turned to each other, each sulking, and he is holding an umbrella over her to protect her from the rain.).

Reply
Larua
4/30/2016 09:29:39 am

sorry for double posting - my computer told me there was a problem and to try again : /

As for the question - How do you know when it's time?" I'm not sure. Some people like the partner to be very aggressive and overpower their resistance. Others not so much. Not even asking is a safe answer - it seems to require an up or down response - and a down resposne could create more distance and rejection - (although with skill, it could be responded to with more nuance - but might invite a discussion of the process -something the asker is trying to avoid. I even imagine one partner might want a kiss before having to "talk" about "it" - some sense of safety in talking - while the other partner wants safety by talking first. <sigh>

Maybe the partner wishing disconnection could ask "How will I know when it's time to kiss you again?" Hmmmm.

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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