This is not a common occurrence in my office.
It has started happening a little bit more frequently in the past year or so. It happened all the time in my counseling office, when I lived in Jacksonville, Florida 11 ish years ago. Ask me about the 51% rule from the Bible that says when husband and wife are in an argument, the man wins 51% o the time. (I cannot find it in the Bible and I can't find a guy who was willing to win only 51% of the arguments.)
The husband and wife get into an argument and they come to me with ideas of how I could help them negotiate better. We talk about negotiating in good faith. They attempt to solve what we call a perpetual problem. This is a problem that cannot be resolved by compromise, only by one person over accommodating (Win-lose) or the couple agreeing to disagree. So resolution is not truly the goal since it is a perpetual problem. The goal becomes how to talk about it in a manner that is civil and respectful, not trying to change the other person's perspective. Listening so that you understand one another, not so you have ammunition to use against them. People have a right to see the world through their own eyes. It is similar to religion. You have the freedom to practice your religion, as do I mine. When you attempt to convert me or I attempt to tell you that your religion is wrong, that is a clear breach. From a practical standpoint, you are unlikely to be successful with this.
So we get to a certain point in the discussion where they clearly disagree- get new cats, have another baby and they can't fully compromise and there is no nash equilibrium (highest and best good of all involved) available. You can't agree to have half a baby, for example.
The man says, "It's not going to happen." He has unilaterally decided for the couple how it is going to be and declares himself the head of the household, forgetting that while that title comes with some rights, there are some responsibilities he is forgetting. One of which is to negotiate in good faith.
Saying, essentially, "because I said so" is not a good strategy and the mindset behind it can kill a relationship. If it were a one-time thing, then perhaps they could repair it with a good apology and a sign of good faith- sacrificing for the other. In the few situations I am referencing above, the husbands, when they don't see resolution, declare themselves the winner of the argument and impose their will. They have won that battle and the strategy will ensure they lose the war.
As a male counselor, I have yet to see a woman say this and remain unyielding. Fascinating to watch and more than a bit horrifying.
We can do better than this.
It has started happening a little bit more frequently in the past year or so. It happened all the time in my counseling office, when I lived in Jacksonville, Florida 11 ish years ago. Ask me about the 51% rule from the Bible that says when husband and wife are in an argument, the man wins 51% o the time. (I cannot find it in the Bible and I can't find a guy who was willing to win only 51% of the arguments.)
The husband and wife get into an argument and they come to me with ideas of how I could help them negotiate better. We talk about negotiating in good faith. They attempt to solve what we call a perpetual problem. This is a problem that cannot be resolved by compromise, only by one person over accommodating (Win-lose) or the couple agreeing to disagree. So resolution is not truly the goal since it is a perpetual problem. The goal becomes how to talk about it in a manner that is civil and respectful, not trying to change the other person's perspective. Listening so that you understand one another, not so you have ammunition to use against them. People have a right to see the world through their own eyes. It is similar to religion. You have the freedom to practice your religion, as do I mine. When you attempt to convert me or I attempt to tell you that your religion is wrong, that is a clear breach. From a practical standpoint, you are unlikely to be successful with this.
So we get to a certain point in the discussion where they clearly disagree- get new cats, have another baby and they can't fully compromise and there is no nash equilibrium (highest and best good of all involved) available. You can't agree to have half a baby, for example.
The man says, "It's not going to happen." He has unilaterally decided for the couple how it is going to be and declares himself the head of the household, forgetting that while that title comes with some rights, there are some responsibilities he is forgetting. One of which is to negotiate in good faith.
Saying, essentially, "because I said so" is not a good strategy and the mindset behind it can kill a relationship. If it were a one-time thing, then perhaps they could repair it with a good apology and a sign of good faith- sacrificing for the other. In the few situations I am referencing above, the husbands, when they don't see resolution, declare themselves the winner of the argument and impose their will. They have won that battle and the strategy will ensure they lose the war.
As a male counselor, I have yet to see a woman say this and remain unyielding. Fascinating to watch and more than a bit horrifying.
We can do better than this.
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