Gottman writes quite a bit about bids and how we can better connect with people.
When I try to get her attention, does she turn towards me and accept my attempt to connect? Am I bidding well and are we successfully connecting?
Does she ignore me and walk away, possibly tossing in an eye roll for good measure? Remember that we also bid with our children, not just our partner.
Does she yell at me, invalidate, make me wrong, argue, play devil's advocate, try to fix me or solve my problem than I did not ask to be solved? She might see some of those as turning toward instead of turning away/against. I may experience those as turning against.
"Do you have to fight everything I say?"
"Not everything" Is a turning against, albeit clever.
"I was not ready for the cold today. It was so nice last week. I am not ready for the cold and dark and wetness."
She replied, "We live in Rochester." There was a smile on her face and she said it gently- neither of which made it go down better. I am aware that I live in Rochester and that it gets cold and dark here. I am aware that I could move away from my family, friends, job, home and past if I so choose. I am not sure what it kicked up in her to respond in that manner, but it did nothing to help the connection or friendship.
When someone is reaching out to connect with you, how often do you turn toward them? Why?
When you are bidding, how often do people not recognize it as a bid? What happens next?
When I try to get her attention, does she turn towards me and accept my attempt to connect? Am I bidding well and are we successfully connecting?
Does she ignore me and walk away, possibly tossing in an eye roll for good measure? Remember that we also bid with our children, not just our partner.
Does she yell at me, invalidate, make me wrong, argue, play devil's advocate, try to fix me or solve my problem than I did not ask to be solved? She might see some of those as turning toward instead of turning away/against. I may experience those as turning against.
"Do you have to fight everything I say?"
"Not everything" Is a turning against, albeit clever.
"I was not ready for the cold today. It was so nice last week. I am not ready for the cold and dark and wetness."
She replied, "We live in Rochester." There was a smile on her face and she said it gently- neither of which made it go down better. I am aware that I live in Rochester and that it gets cold and dark here. I am aware that I could move away from my family, friends, job, home and past if I so choose. I am not sure what it kicked up in her to respond in that manner, but it did nothing to help the connection or friendship.
When someone is reaching out to connect with you, how often do you turn toward them? Why?
When you are bidding, how often do people not recognize it as a bid? What happens next?
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