Blame

  "My wife makes me angry!"

Dear reader: I am risking you having a strong reaction to this, so please cut me some slack as I walk through the logic. Try to not take it too personally. If emotions come up, go ahead and deal with them, let them evaporate and come back to the words here.

Let’s look at what he is really saying. “She is responsible for my feelings. I have no control over how I feel. She did something and the only option I have is to feel angry,” therefore, “she made me angry.”

Obviously, this is a logic trap and yet so many of us fall into it.

I can only be happy if my wife ____ (fill in the blank).

I choose to be happy only if my wife ____

Unless my wife does ____ I refuse to be happy

It is impossible for me to be happy if my wife _______

Why would I consciously create such a dilemma in my brain? I choose to be happy only if she _____ (fill in the blank).

Also, isn’t that a bit controlling? If she doesn’t ____(fill in blank) then she is responsible for my feelings.

That feels more like a guilt trip. Also, look at what is in your blank.

On a deeper level, I am saying “Unless she does what I want her to do, I will punish her by being angry or at least withholding my happiness from her.”

We all do this, right?

Can we stop and take responsibility for our behavior with this?

I am responsible for how I feel.

The events that happen influence me, ultimately I am responsible for how I respond. That makes sense.

I am not some helpless victim. I do not have only one response to no matter what happens. I have choices, options.

Again, “I refuse to allow myself to be happy if my wife does not do what I would like her to do.” We can justify this all day and yet, it rings false.

We create our own misery, happiness and sadness. Do not limit what you allow to make you happy!

With Peace,

Don