Dear Couples Counselor:
(reminder- this is a composite- not an actual case but several stories rolled into one- to protect confidentiality)
My wife basically promised me sex for a set amount of days as a gift. I did not take her literally. I understood that she wanted to be more sexual because I like it a lot. It is frustrating, though, to have her promise sex and an hour later be asleep on the couch, snoring.
I am not a heel, I do a ton of work around the house, am very involved with the kids, rub her back and feet and treat her well. Oh, yeah, I work outside the home and make a good living, too. I am attentive to her and still she is not interested. She’s not even interested in talking about it to make it work better.
We have talked about not promising because I take her at her word. Instead, if she could say, “Hey honey, I’m feeling amorous. Maybe tonight if we both have energy…” it would go over really well. She says that is too tentative and her intent is to be amorous. But then she does not follow through, repeatedly.
I don’t trust her and I end up dismissing her words, as a result. It would be much better if she would stop promising.
While my problem is not that I take it personally, it is really frustrating. When someone says something to me, I take them at their word. I do not then expect her to fill her promise, that would be ugly, I simply don’t want her to promise something she is unable to deliver. Am I being unreasonable?
I know you have told me to stop wishing for the world to be different than it is, that that wish is causing me suffering. Well what about her behavior? Why does she have the right to keep doing this and I just have to take it?
Counselor note: This is fairly common. I am compiling answers to this and previous scenarios. Would love to hear from you, the reader.
Further note: Thanks for reading this. I have gotten quite a bit of feedback that people read this, like it and feel a little funny about commenting on the actual blog. Your comments help me to not have an extended monologue in cyberspace, though.
Thank you,
Don
(reminder- this is a composite- not an actual case but several stories rolled into one- to protect confidentiality)
My wife basically promised me sex for a set amount of days as a gift. I did not take her literally. I understood that she wanted to be more sexual because I like it a lot. It is frustrating, though, to have her promise sex and an hour later be asleep on the couch, snoring.
I am not a heel, I do a ton of work around the house, am very involved with the kids, rub her back and feet and treat her well. Oh, yeah, I work outside the home and make a good living, too. I am attentive to her and still she is not interested. She’s not even interested in talking about it to make it work better.
We have talked about not promising because I take her at her word. Instead, if she could say, “Hey honey, I’m feeling amorous. Maybe tonight if we both have energy…” it would go over really well. She says that is too tentative and her intent is to be amorous. But then she does not follow through, repeatedly.
I don’t trust her and I end up dismissing her words, as a result. It would be much better if she would stop promising.
While my problem is not that I take it personally, it is really frustrating. When someone says something to me, I take them at their word. I do not then expect her to fill her promise, that would be ugly, I simply don’t want her to promise something she is unable to deliver. Am I being unreasonable?
I know you have told me to stop wishing for the world to be different than it is, that that wish is causing me suffering. Well what about her behavior? Why does she have the right to keep doing this and I just have to take it?
Counselor note: This is fairly common. I am compiling answers to this and previous scenarios. Would love to hear from you, the reader.
Further note: Thanks for reading this. I have gotten quite a bit of feedback that people read this, like it and feel a little funny about commenting on the actual blog. Your comments help me to not have an extended monologue in cyberspace, though.
Thank you,
Don
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