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Broken Promises

6/6/2012

1 Comment

 
Dear Couples Counselor:
(reminder- this is a composite- not an actual case but several stories rolled into one- to protect confidentiality)

My wife basically promised me sex for a set amount of days as a gift. I did not take her literally. I understood that she wanted to be more sexual because I like it a lot. It is frustrating, though, to have her promise sex and an hour later be asleep on the couch, snoring.

I am not a heel, I do a ton of work around the house, am very involved with the kids, rub her back and feet and treat her well. Oh, yeah, I work outside the home and make a good living, too. I am attentive to  her and still she is not interested. She’s not even interested in talking about it to make it work better.

We have talked about not promising because I take her at her word. Instead, if she could say, “Hey honey, I’m feeling amorous. Maybe tonight if we both have energy…” it would go over really well. She says that is too tentative and her intent is to be amorous. But then she does not follow through, repeatedly.

I don’t trust her and I end up dismissing her words, as a result. It would be much better if she would stop promising.

While my problem is not that I take it personally, it is really frustrating. When someone says something to me, I take them at their word. I do not then expect her to fill her promise, that would be ugly, I simply don’t want her to promise something she is unable to deliver. Am I being unreasonable?

I know you have told me to stop wishing for the world to be different than it is, that that wish is causing me suffering. Well what about her behavior? Why does she have the right to keep doing this and I just have to take it?

Counselor note: This is fairly common. I am compiling answers to this and previous scenarios. Would love to hear from you, the reader.

Further note: Thanks for reading this. I have gotten quite a bit of feedback that people read this, like it and feel a little funny about commenting on the actual blog. Your comments help me to not have an extended monologue in cyberspace, though.

Thank you,
Don
1 Comment
Lucy
6/8/2012 09:19:43 am

POST: I know you have told me to stop wishing for the world to be different than it is, that that wish is causing me suffering.


RESP I have a hard time with this. Not because it isn't true (I haven't decided that's it ALWAYS true, but concede it is many times true), but because knowing it's true oftentimes doesn't help at all. What if someone you loved betrayed you. What if you were fired for being lesbian and now can't feed your family, or have to move and leave behind family and support systems, or what if you were convicted of a crime you didn't commit, and then get raped in prison.

I'm not (yet) arguing it isn't true - but some of our feelings seem more biologically based (desire to be part of a herd; desire to care for our loved ones) than the result of jealousy or narcisism or other things we wouldn't be proud of. Which still doesn't make the sentence untrue (I'm still debating the issue), but seems/feels a little callous so I struggle with how to approach it, even if I choose to act as if it's true..

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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