Yes, this will help you in business.

Turn your attention toward a certain part of your body. Do it repeatedly and the insula, right behind the frontal lobes, becomes more sensitive to that area. You “tune in” by tuning in. Makes sense…

As someone who teaches relationship building and improving communication to managers, this information is vital. Consider the manager who is not quite self-aware at this stage of the game. He can learn to pay more attention to his own emotions, his inner workings and not only help himself, but help everyone with whom he interacts. The more he tunes in to his body, ie his heart rate, his gut, his feelings, the more sensitized he becomes. It becomes a great source of information for him. The more sensitive the insula is to your own inner workings, the easier it is to understand the inner workings of others- a key managerial skill or deficit.

Dan Goleman calls it the “inner voice” in his book The Triple Focus. (What is the triple focus?- Understanding self, other, and the larger systems within which we operate)  

I have worked with people for years to “trust their gut.” There is something beyond logic and rationale that often tips the scales in favor of a certain decision. We may have no idea why we should follow it, but when we do, we get it right. When we go against our gut, the results are often poor. Thank your insula for that.

Practice: How are you feeling right now? How do you imagine the other person is feeling right now?

If you practice, get feedback on and communicate about this process, you get better at reading not only yourself but others. Read others better and your chances of being better in the world of business improve.

Business is a series of relationships, if you want to be better at business, get better at relationships. Try on what the other person might be feeling and build your ventromedial prefrontal area. According to Damasio, it is what guides our most complex decision making.

As with any habit, the more you repeat it (correctly), the stronger and better it gets.

Someone recently challenged me. They said I was living too safely, not taking enough risks, no sense of urgency, as if I thought I was going to live forever. If you live forever, there is no time crunch to get done what you are here to do. How would you live differently if you knew you were going to die within the year?

As I confronted myself, I looked at what I was avoiding, what scared me and how I might be making myself small. I don’t like doing that because on a deeper level, I believe we do no one any good by being small. Be myself and feel into what I may be capable of (not just work related).

I started putting myself out there just a little bit more, flying above the radar. While it is scary, it is also exhilarating. Those of you who know me personally, know I can work a bit too much and be overly serious. You also know my playful, silly, obnoxious, dry humor side.

So here is my answer to the question: I would play more and let joy be my guide. I would look at my world differently, paying more attention to what is natural and delight in the ordinary. I would pull weeds less often and do less laundry and fewer dishes. I would enjoy life more fully, drinking it in.

What would you do differently?

From the Untethered Soul by Singer

I love this book and hate this book. It really challenges me at my core. It is hard to do what it suggests and it is worthwhile at the same time. I see this next part as really liberating for those who accept the challenge:

The author writes that when we have parts of ourselves that we ourselves find unacceptable, we are not willing to see them. That is like living in Rochester and saying that it is not going to snow this year or that it is not snowing right now outside my window. Denying it does not make it go away, it simply puts us at a disadvantage when dealing with the reality of our situation. I cannot control whether or not it snows, I can adjust myself to the reality that it is snowing.

Accept that those parts of you that you do not like, they are still part of you. Feel the pain of being less than perfect, having flaws, making mistakes and then continue living life. Do not avoid things that remind you that you are not perfect. “If you continue to protect yourself you will never be free.”

Put your whole being into whatever is happening- not into your personal sensitivity. Have fun experiencing whatever happens next.

“Watch the part of your being that is constantly trying to protect itself. Get rid of that part- if you don't want it, don't protect it anymore. The more you protect it the longer it stays!”

Allow yourself to feel disturbed. Allow every feeling to exist (as if you can control that anyway). Remind yourself that you are not your feelings, you are the observer of your feelings. You are the consciousness that observes.

How do I need to listen differently to make a sale?

How do I handle a complaint?

How do I read between the lines?

How can I tell if someone is literal versus figurative?

What different behavior might I choose when talking with someone who is indirect versus direct?

How am I inadvertently shutting down the conversation?



It is not what you say, it is how you listen, that matters most. And yet, most of us work very hard crafting our message and spend precious little time working on the skill of listening.




In counseling sessions, as well as when I am mentoring/coaching someone, we practice listening. Deep listening, listening to what is not said, listening to things that others miss... We practice clarifying and validating and then I ask people to try it in the "real world."




When they really have it, the feedback they get is amazing and the loyalty from family/customers makes them continue doing it.




May you be an awesome listener!




Oh, and if you would like me to come to your organization and train your management staff how to better listen, I would welcome the challenge. I do a ton of training and this one pays wonderful dividends every single time. 585.802.1273

Daniel Goleman writes about Emotional Intelligence at Work

Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions and relationships wisely. It applies to work as well as to romantic relationships. In the future, I will be adding more of these that neatly address both areas of our lives.

You have met the person who is brilliant and cannot handle life. They might have been a great CEO, if only.

Goleman reminds us that we do need intelligence and that while it is necessary, it is not sufficient for success. We need more.

He talks about threshold abilities- what you need to get and keep the job. How you do relationships and your feelings matters more to identifying a star at work.

To paraphrase: The 5 components of EQ, are: 1) self-awareness 2) controlled anxiety 3) persistence (discipline and drive) & optimism 4) empathy and 5) smooth interactions with others (communication, collaboration and teamwork).

Lucky for us, these abilities can be learned and polished.

Here, in this blog, we will have a conversation about these skills and abilities and how to build them so that your relationships are more rewarding. As a counselor, who builds relationships and improves communication, I love teaching people how to do this even better at work.

Let me know what you think,

Don