There are some incredibly common questions from couples, because we all have so much in common. Let me lay them out for you and let me know what you think. Weigh in on your perspective or an answer that might help.
Thank you in advance for doing that.
I have people ask me questions all the time or give suggestions. Every now and then I notice themes and patterns and feel compelled to share those. I have asked people if it is okay for me to share and the overwhelming response is that relationships are so hard that if their struggle can help someone, by all means share, just do not give names or identifying info.
Perhaps the biggest theme is:
Am I being fair?
Most people want to be fair and just and do not want to be unfair or unjust. They do not want to be unreasonable and they then tell the story.
Their partner has asked a question, the equivalent of which is “Do I have to pull my own weight in a relationship?”
My response is usually to clarify. “Are you telling me that they are saying ‘Why can’t I get something for nothing?’”
I do the typical counselor thing of asking them what they think. The best response I heard was, “Are you telling me that you do not want to have an adult relationship with me?”
Let’s call things what they are. Let’s be honest with ourselves and with one another.
My challenge to you is to answer that question for yourself before you ask someone else. Do you think you are being fair? Would an outside observer of your behavior agree that you were being fair? Is your partner indicating that you are being unfair and providing evidence?