Compatibility part 2
How much do you trust yourself and other people? Do you easily attach and reach out? Do you hide from people and why? Do you know your attachment style (read the book “Attached” and the quiz within) and the style of your partner and the implications of that interaction?
Do you feel physically and emotionally safe with your partner? Would they stand up for you if you were in trouble? Do they take advantage of people or tell stories of how they use and abuse people? They will do it with you eventually, if that is their style. Do they believe in transactions or relationships?
How well do they reassure themselves when needed?
How well do they reassure you? Do you ask them to reassure you about a certain thing- like where were they when… or am I imagining things or did I notice…
If they cannot reassure you at this point, you might be hesitant to continue. Go ahead and teach them and see if they can learn it.
Political differences right now, especially, say a lot about people. Our politics tells others what we hold dear and what we fight for and what we vote for, what kind of place we would like to leave to our children. Go for multiple issues, not just one to learn more about them
With conflict, are you loud and in one another’s face (both of you) and if so, are you comfortable with that style? OR are you avoidant and both comfortable with avoiding? Each has significant drawbacks, right? Ultimately, what is your comfort zone and are you constantly expanding your comfort zone? Do you both have the skills, ability and willingness to do healthy conflict when it is obviously necessary?
How much do you like to process things and ideas and feelings? Do you match on this and if not, can you not match and not judge one another?
Travel- define it first. How much? How much, time, money, effort, resources spent in preparation and actually doing it? National, local, international? What is the motivation? Self guided or tours? Learn about one another and really see if you synch up. Some people would travel all the time and others would never travel outside their town. Do you match or are you close enough to learn from one another?
Anxiety and depression and other mental illness- most people have stress or sadness and many also raise to the level of it being clinically significant. It interrupts a part of their life or makes their life a little harder because they deal with it. Be honest with yourself about needing help and outside assistance, maybe counseling and self help, maybe medication or non medication treatment. If you have anxiety, please know that it definitely affects your partner. IT is contagious, they can feel it and they will like it better if you get it treated. Same for the other mental health concerns.
Sleep schedule is important- when and how do you sleep. Do you snore? Do you address issues when you find that you have issues or do you ignore them? IF you snore, did you get a sleep study? Do you snore loudly enough that your partner will avoid you?
Weight- if you just gained 10-20 lbs with no sign of addressing it, that is considered not fair to many people. You are not taking care of your health and that is not okay in healthy relationships. Any aspect of your health affects this other person.
How you eat can affect others- not just slurping food, but being a vegetarian, a healthy eater, a vegan, keto diet etc affects others around you. I’m not saying you have to stop, but you might want to have some conversation about this before you go much further. Ask the motivation and how it might impact the two of you.
How active are you? Describe it rather than label it. Some people are very active in the summer and when the winter depression comes, they gain weight, eat unhealthy and never leave the couch. Some are never active and others are sports enthusiasts on several teams and in perfect shape. What impact does this have on your relationship? What might it have long term?
How open are you with secrets and your past? Yes, you can be too open and over share information, as well. If you do not share at all, that can be an issue for the other person. Talk about why you do what you do so the other person can understand you better.
What are you expectations for relationships? In general and this one… Be specific so that there are fewer surprises and no guesswork, if possible.
Are you able to be vulnerable with yourself and with others? What does that look like to you? What about your partner’s style?
Lastly, if you are trying to change your partner, get yourself into counseling now. Stop doing it. Changing someone is not your job and it makes for lasting resentment. Accept yourself for who you are and accept them for who they are. They will change and we cannot predict in which direction. If you do not like who they are now, it is time to leave the relationship not hope they can change enough to please you. That is not usually how that works.
How much do you trust yourself and other people? Do you easily attach and reach out? Do you hide from people and why? Do you know your attachment style (read the book “Attached” and the quiz within) and the style of your partner and the implications of that interaction?
Do you feel physically and emotionally safe with your partner? Would they stand up for you if you were in trouble? Do they take advantage of people or tell stories of how they use and abuse people? They will do it with you eventually, if that is their style. Do they believe in transactions or relationships?
How well do they reassure themselves when needed?
How well do they reassure you? Do you ask them to reassure you about a certain thing- like where were they when… or am I imagining things or did I notice…
If they cannot reassure you at this point, you might be hesitant to continue. Go ahead and teach them and see if they can learn it.
Political differences right now, especially, say a lot about people. Our politics tells others what we hold dear and what we fight for and what we vote for, what kind of place we would like to leave to our children. Go for multiple issues, not just one to learn more about them
With conflict, are you loud and in one another’s face (both of you) and if so, are you comfortable with that style? OR are you avoidant and both comfortable with avoiding? Each has significant drawbacks, right? Ultimately, what is your comfort zone and are you constantly expanding your comfort zone? Do you both have the skills, ability and willingness to do healthy conflict when it is obviously necessary?
How much do you like to process things and ideas and feelings? Do you match on this and if not, can you not match and not judge one another?
Travel- define it first. How much? How much, time, money, effort, resources spent in preparation and actually doing it? National, local, international? What is the motivation? Self guided or tours? Learn about one another and really see if you synch up. Some people would travel all the time and others would never travel outside their town. Do you match or are you close enough to learn from one another?
Anxiety and depression and other mental illness- most people have stress or sadness and many also raise to the level of it being clinically significant. It interrupts a part of their life or makes their life a little harder because they deal with it. Be honest with yourself about needing help and outside assistance, maybe counseling and self help, maybe medication or non medication treatment. If you have anxiety, please know that it definitely affects your partner. IT is contagious, they can feel it and they will like it better if you get it treated. Same for the other mental health concerns.
Sleep schedule is important- when and how do you sleep. Do you snore? Do you address issues when you find that you have issues or do you ignore them? IF you snore, did you get a sleep study? Do you snore loudly enough that your partner will avoid you?
Weight- if you just gained 10-20 lbs with no sign of addressing it, that is considered not fair to many people. You are not taking care of your health and that is not okay in healthy relationships. Any aspect of your health affects this other person.
How you eat can affect others- not just slurping food, but being a vegetarian, a healthy eater, a vegan, keto diet etc affects others around you. I’m not saying you have to stop, but you might want to have some conversation about this before you go much further. Ask the motivation and how it might impact the two of you.
How active are you? Describe it rather than label it. Some people are very active in the summer and when the winter depression comes, they gain weight, eat unhealthy and never leave the couch. Some are never active and others are sports enthusiasts on several teams and in perfect shape. What impact does this have on your relationship? What might it have long term?
How open are you with secrets and your past? Yes, you can be too open and over share information, as well. If you do not share at all, that can be an issue for the other person. Talk about why you do what you do so the other person can understand you better.
What are you expectations for relationships? In general and this one… Be specific so that there are fewer surprises and no guesswork, if possible.
Are you able to be vulnerable with yourself and with others? What does that look like to you? What about your partner’s style?
Lastly, if you are trying to change your partner, get yourself into counseling now. Stop doing it. Changing someone is not your job and it makes for lasting resentment. Accept yourself for who you are and accept them for who they are. They will change and we cannot predict in which direction. If you do not like who they are now, it is time to leave the relationship not hope they can change enough to please you. That is not usually how that works.
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