When someone is saying that they’re hurting, you have a few options.
You can make it about you by not listening. You can say, “I’m saying that they’re hurting.” That way your needs are primary and you feel heard, maybe.
Or you can allow it to be about them for their turn (implying that you hear them out, you clarify and validate) and then you can have a turn after their turn.
You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to see it the same way, but if you immediately talk, rather than listen or invalidate them and make it about you, that is a disruption or a rupture. It was an unnecessary complication because you chose to not listen to understand, you listened to reply/respond.
That is not always a bad thing, but the most successful couples rarely do it that way.
You can make it about you by not listening. You can say, “I’m saying that they’re hurting.” That way your needs are primary and you feel heard, maybe.
Or you can allow it to be about them for their turn (implying that you hear them out, you clarify and validate) and then you can have a turn after their turn.
You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to see it the same way, but if you immediately talk, rather than listen or invalidate them and make it about you, that is a disruption or a rupture. It was an unnecessary complication because you chose to not listen to understand, you listened to reply/respond.
That is not always a bad thing, but the most successful couples rarely do it that way.
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