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Couples Exercise- Modality

10/28/2021

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​Exercise: Get to know which of the five senses your partner favors. Usually there is one that is above the others. Imagine being able to figure this out and talk to them in a way that their unconscious mind can really get. It just makes listening so much easier, almost like speaking their language, right? Try it now

Please know your partner and how these relate to behavior.

Visual

You might hear them say the equivalent of , “I want to see all my options. Can’t you tell by the look on my face?”

Look at my clothes and the colors and you will see how I value the visual aspects

Tends to talk quickly
Bored easily with conversation and words and lectures
Pretty, colorful and bright
Might be an artist
They say (or respond well to) things like, “You see”
“Let me show you”
“Your future is bright”
“Beyond the shadow of a doubt”
 
Auditory
Might be heard saying things like, “That is what you told me”

“I hear you”

The sound and tone of your voice is very important to me in communication
“Sounds good to me”
Slow talker
Distracted by noise
Music enhances the mood
Sensitive to tone, pitch etc
Might be a musician

How to sell them on an idea, “If I could tell you about… would you want to hear about it? If that sounds good to you then…”

Take a second and think about how this information can be helpful, if you want to be tuned in to your partner. What do you notice so far in terms of visual and auditory? How could you take your knowledge and be closer to your partner?
 
Kinesthetic
I go with my Gut feelings in important decisions

I share my feelings
Slowest talker
Breathing is way down in belly, not diaphragm like auditory
Feelings and gut are important.
Selling them an idea, “If I could give you something that could take hold of… Walk you through… get you hands on it. Doesn’t it grab you?”
 
Auditory/digital (combo that goes with logic and can be a chameleon and adapt to the speaker)
I consider all my options and then decide the best course of action
Internal self talk is big
Reason/logic
They repeat back what you said to them so it takes longer to respond.
Thinking, processing, understanding

They often match the system of the person who is talking to them- build rapport quickly
“If I could give you a process that you could follow it makes sense that you would consider it?”
 
Have them describe the picture in their head of a time they felt super confident. Pay attention to which of the five senses they preference by using a lot. If you think about it, it makes sense that they want you to speak their language. This might take some practice.

Within NLP, there are specific eye movements for future/constructing and past/recall images. If you are interested in NLP, it is used quite a bit and can be helpful in building rapport.
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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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