Boice Counseling
  • Home
  • Counseling
    • Books and Audio
    • New Counseling Client Paperwork
    • Insurance/Costs
  • Services
  • News/Blog
  • Contact Us

Crossed Signals

4/23/2020

0 Comments

 

​We Got Our Signals Crossed
Have you ever really wanted your partner to desire you? Like they can’t keep their hands off you- that level of desire? They say they are really into you and the actions (in your head) don’t match the words…

That doesn’t feel good. We all want to be wanted (when we want to be wanted).

John and Julie Gottman PhD talk about making sure you each know the other’s signals.

When she shaves her legs, for example, chances improve… or when her bra and panties match, that is often a really strong tell. Pay attention to patterns, realizing they are not set in stone. Anticipate when the odds are in the favor of being intimate. That is  part one.

Part two includes having the conversation(s) about preferences and the conversation about signals. Do you light the candle to let her know you are in the mood if she is? And then do you tell her that that is your signal?

 Do you have that favorite playlist going as she gets ready for bed? Do you mention that maybe tonight she might get lucky if she plays her cards right? Do you put your arms around her for a hug from behind? Do you offer a back rub? Do you get flowers and arrange a babysitter and go out to eat first?

What are your signals? Tell your partner what they are instead of making them guess.

My pet peeve is really indirect signals that you have not told your partner about. If you are sending a signal and it was not received and understood, your signal is not direct enough. Are you someone who was taught that it was impolite to talk about sex and preferences? Did your parents or friends or society tell you that sex was dirty and don’t think about it? Are you in touch with what you like and are you courageous enough to own your preferences?

Part three is about warm up- have the conversation about how much time each of you need for warm up. Some people have told me that they need their partner to be nice for at least a couple days (which seems like a super low threshold) and others say that when their partner shows an inability to listen to them, they feel devalued and nothing will get them in the mood if they don’t feel valued.

That warm up time includes clearing your mind from the thoughts of the day and changing gears mentally to being a couple instead of mommy/daddy or letting go of the events of the day.

​What do you need for yourself for this and what do you need from your partner for this? Include this in your ritual of connection for sex and making love. Imagine being this direct, “I would love to connect sexually with you tonight and I am also feeling tired. How would you feel if we just made love but limited it to 30 minutes or less and then cuddled to sleep?”
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

    _

    Archives

    January 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012

    Categories

    All
    Building Relationships Improving Communication
    Communication
    Counseling
    Counselor
    Couples
    Couples Counseling
    Dating
    Emotional Intelligence
    Gender
    Gender Communication
    Goleman
    Jealousy
    Love
    Marital Counseling
    Relationships
    Resolutions
    Romance
    Soft Skills
    Time Magazine
    Training
    Valentine's Day

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.