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Depends on the Gender?

3/20/2012

1 Comment

 
I was compiling information to do a question and answer. I found myself answering differently depending on which gender was writing the question. Please read the following and guess if it is the original gender or if I changed the gender. Then, what would you advise this person?

Disclaimer. To avoid breaking confidentiality, I am compiling complaints and questions. Therefore, these did not happen exactly as I portray them. I combine several complaints/issues into one letter.


Dear Couples Counselor:

Am I being a jerk?

My wife is never on time. Rarely, that is, let me be accurate. Last week, she said, I’ll be home by 3pm. 3:45 pm she pulls in the driveway. The kids asked, “When is mommy coming home.” I told them, “She told me she’d be home by 3pm.”

Mind you, we have had this conversation a bunch of times in the past. If you are going to be home at 3:45, tell me 3:45. If you don’t know, tell me you don’t know, be vague and tentative. I even coached her with, “tell me you don’t know. Tell me sometime before 5 pm. It is always better to be early than late in my book. I take you literally. If you tell me 3 pm, I expect you to keep that promise. Part of me knows you are not lying when you are not home when you say you will be home. However, I have come to not rely on you. I cannot take you at your word. Your word does not mean anything to me. I do not trust what you are saying.”

It would have been different, if she kept her word on other things or followed through. Now, when she makes a promise, I have trained myself not to believe her, not to take her literally. I have given up some things in order to accommodate this style of communication.

Dear reader- what would you advise this person if they were male and would it change if they were female?
1 Comment
Lucy
6/8/2012 01:42:32 pm


I remember a Better Half (I think; maybe Family Circus) cartoon from many years (decades?) ago. The husband looks at the wife and says something like:

Has it ever occurred to you that it would be easier for you to change your expectations than for me to change my behavior.

I wonder if it applies here (I know in my life sometimes it applies, and sometimes it doesn't). Of course, there is probably lots of the story I/we don't know, so it's a little presumptuous to give advice. That's just hte first thing I think of, and wonder if even pondering this will help clarify where the issues are.

If he changes his expectations I wonder if it woudl work if he just plans his life so her not being on time/generally believable doesn't disrupt his plans and then see what happens.

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    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

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