When someone says that they hurt, you can focus on how you feel or how they feel. That choice determines the trajectory of the conversation and possibly the entire relationship. Imagine this is the first argument you have in your relationship. You don't have a store of good will yet. You don't trust them yet because you don't have enough history to trust them, maybe.
Were you listening to understand them or to respond? Hey, we are all selfish at times. Just own it and accept responsibility and correct it. Sometimes the emotions take charge and you need a quick break.
Was your first instinct to reach out with empathy to someone in pain and do compassionate action? “I am sorry you are hurting.” In the next blog, we might consider an array of responses that would have conveyed this. You do not have to be perfect with your wording, but you also cannot be harmful with your wording and expect it to go well.
Was your instinct to talk them out of their feelings?
Personally, I do not like when someone is mad at me and my reflex is to talk them out of being mad at me. I know I do that and I want to stop and I have been in counseling to stop that and yet, I find myself still slipping back into that habit at times.
Was your first move to justify yourself, rationalize, excuse or defend yourself? Notice how easy it is to make it about you instead of the person talking.
Did you struggle with your own feelings when you realized they were in pain?
Did you mock, belittle, berate or call names? They were telling you that they are in pain, and your response was to hurt them. Maybe the intention was not there, but that is how it landed.
Think that through, all the way through. Please work on that pattern and change it. To be perfectly honest, this pattern is concerning and more common than you would imagine.
You are not a bad person because you do this, it does destroy/harm the relationship to the core, though.
Did you interrupt or tell them their motives or define their reality? Did you make it about you?
Whose needs did you put first in your relationship, when they said they were in pain? Notice how that lands for the person telling you something vulnerable and painful. When I tell you about me, can I rely on you to listen and allow it to be about me? Do I need to take care of your feelings when my feelings are already hurt?
Remember that the talker and listener take turns, in successful relationships.
If you both felt pain, you can default to the talker having the first turn.
Or you can ask to have the first turn. Denying a turn at all is not fair.
Take turns being talker and listener. If you talk and the person does not clarify or validate, then tells their perspective- that becomes Talker-Talker instead of talker-listener and that creates arguments.
Please consider how this choice impacts the relationship.
If you consistently find yourself going first or making it about you, next time, choose differently.
Were you listening to understand them or to respond? Hey, we are all selfish at times. Just own it and accept responsibility and correct it. Sometimes the emotions take charge and you need a quick break.
Was your first instinct to reach out with empathy to someone in pain and do compassionate action? “I am sorry you are hurting.” In the next blog, we might consider an array of responses that would have conveyed this. You do not have to be perfect with your wording, but you also cannot be harmful with your wording and expect it to go well.
Was your instinct to talk them out of their feelings?
Personally, I do not like when someone is mad at me and my reflex is to talk them out of being mad at me. I know I do that and I want to stop and I have been in counseling to stop that and yet, I find myself still slipping back into that habit at times.
Was your first move to justify yourself, rationalize, excuse or defend yourself? Notice how easy it is to make it about you instead of the person talking.
Did you struggle with your own feelings when you realized they were in pain?
Did you mock, belittle, berate or call names? They were telling you that they are in pain, and your response was to hurt them. Maybe the intention was not there, but that is how it landed.
Think that through, all the way through. Please work on that pattern and change it. To be perfectly honest, this pattern is concerning and more common than you would imagine.
You are not a bad person because you do this, it does destroy/harm the relationship to the core, though.
Did you interrupt or tell them their motives or define their reality? Did you make it about you?
Whose needs did you put first in your relationship, when they said they were in pain? Notice how that lands for the person telling you something vulnerable and painful. When I tell you about me, can I rely on you to listen and allow it to be about me? Do I need to take care of your feelings when my feelings are already hurt?
Remember that the talker and listener take turns, in successful relationships.
If you both felt pain, you can default to the talker having the first turn.
Or you can ask to have the first turn. Denying a turn at all is not fair.
Take turns being talker and listener. If you talk and the person does not clarify or validate, then tells their perspective- that becomes Talker-Talker instead of talker-listener and that creates arguments.
Please consider how this choice impacts the relationship.
If you consistently find yourself going first or making it about you, next time, choose differently.
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