Pretty much every couple gets into a rut within a few years of the relationship. The limerance has worn off, some emotional baggage has weighed you down and the newness just isn’t there. Spark your creative mind, allow yourself to be human and a sexual being who has fantasies and preferences- own it. Not sure where to start?
Don’t forget 365 Naughty Nights, 101 Nights of Great Sex (book), it is about setting the stage, the environment, and then The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand (book) for exercises and Gottman cards (deck) for specifics- Might
I also suggest a foot rub and do an internet search for acupressure or back rub (swedish, thai, deep tissue, lymph drainage), head rub etc.
In our society we have been taught to not talk about sex, but then we are bombarded by TV shows and movies that make sexual innuendo throughout. Magazines, billboards, ads, commercials all sell sex. Songs talk about sex and a distorted version of the word “love” and then we expect people to revere sex, to honor it and treat it with the respect it deserves.
What messages did you get about sex and sexuality and seeing yourself as a sexual being?
What messages did you get about what your partner might like and want?
If you received unhealthy messages, perhaps you could start to undo the programming by putting in healthy messages about sex.
It is beautiful and amazing and transports you to other worlds. It is such a wonderful bond when done with respect and with a positive attitude. As a tool for personal development, it awakens the senses, the emotions and spirituality.
In a negative mindset, this same tool can be used for exploitation or instant gratification or using of others.
What do you want to model for others? How would you like your loved ones to learn about sex?
I would like to suggest that not only are there techniques for breathing, and rocking the pelvis and setting the mood, there are sexual techniques and attitudes that go along with that to challenge unhealthy messages you may have already heard.
One such challenge is the Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand. Don’t just give up one set of messages for hers, but hers might just challenge you enough to expand your belief system and look for more knowledge about sexuality. You are likely to run up against beliefs that are foreign and that generally challenges people. Some people run away and some people sit with the challenge, feel their own discomfort and self-consciousness, embarrassment.
Below is a sampling of the exercises in her book:
Conscious Breathing, awakening your inner lover, the heart salutation, creating your sacred space, the melting hug, moving beyond resistance, the sensory awakening ritual, the dancing gods, th inner smile, soul gazing, the ritual of purification, the basic stance, the ceremony of recognition of the body, The art of erotic touching: feathering, fingertip stroking, slipping and sliding, the square stretch, squatting together, the pelvic curl, the opening lotus, the pc pump, sexual breathing, pelvic rocking, dual pelvic rocking, the self-pleasuring ritual, the sexual dialogue, self pleasuring under the eyes of your beloved, pleasuring each other, role playing each other, the yin-yang game, shaking loose, the streaming process, the butter fly, healing the yoni and the Vajra, riding the tiger alone and together, shooting to the crown together, charging other areas of the body. The valley orgasm level 1 and 2; the basic postures of love; oral loving and the final is Riding the Wave of bliss with Pelvic rocking, cultivating arousal, opening the inner flute together, the playful wave, connecting breath to breath, opening to your inner light, the infinite cycle and the advanced infinite cycle-
Even if you do not do every single exercise, your sexual self awareness will have been broadened.
You are free to skip any that do not interest you.
There may be some that challenge you and I have heard a few people were “grossed out” by a couple of them. You do not have to do them all, but it is interesting to explore what bothers you and why. That exploration makes you more conscious and less reactive.
Goal: Express your sexual needs and wishes in more positive and specific terms…A greater sense of safety and intimacy develops between you, which greatly increases your change of experiencing the kind of sexual pleasure you long for.
EXERCISE: Go back and re read those. Think about your relationship and your responsibility and contribution to it. What might you need to rethink about your behavior and beliefs?