I’ve worked with couples on this for years.
If you’re someone who values emotional connection, and you ask your partner how their day was, which of the following would you prefer to hear?
How was your day? Fine
How was your day? The usual
How was your day? Well I had a really interesting day. It started off with some really interesting dreams and when I woke up I didn’t remember that they were dreams I actually thought it happened in real life. I had a lot of intense feelings about the dream and it kind of messed me up for the first part of the day.
When I got to work there are some things that happened that I didn’t expect and I found myself kind of frustrated and not being the Best version of myself. I was able to catch myself and change the image in my head, and talk to myself differently. It wasn’t really that big a deal but I was making it very big in my head. I realize that I can be in control of that and change it, so I did. I found that when I took control of that the rest of my day was easier for me to handle. I sometimes forget that life isn’t happening to me that there’s cause-and-effect and I believe that I can do something to cause an effect.
I’m really having a hard time. I’m not OK. I’m having some anxiety and depression and I know that I have to do something about it because it feels like it’s happening to me and I don’t want to be a victim. I’m feeling really overwhelmed and I’m not sure how to get out of my own way. And sometimes at work I don’t feel really understood or seen. I don’t like feeling invisible. I don’t like to think that I don’t matter. And yet sometimes that’s how I feel at work. I think it’s time for me to go back into counseling.
Today was a Great day, I really enjoyed it.
I felt like I was on fire in a good way. I feel like I was able to get everything done that I wanted to get done and I was really in the flow, really aligned. I really love days like that. The day just went so fast and as soon as I knew it the day was over.
Each of these answered the question how was your day? Each one gave a different depth. How deep would you like to go with your partner?
The idea here is to give them information so that they can know who you are.
Every day were changing and growing and developing. We’re still the same person but we’re growing and we’re having challenges. Are we partners in this challenge and this journey we call life? Are we just partners at the end of the day or do you want me to be with you through all the challenges in your day and understand things that are going on? If you have challenges at work and they affect you at home, I want to know about them. I actually feel entitled to them if I am your partner. If you are struggling with some thing and growing and we are partners in my definition of the word partner, you tell me what’s going on. You give me a context. You allow me to get to know you. And I allow you to get to know me. We want to know each other and by the way that’s the definition of intimacy is allowing you to know me.
Do you want to know your partner?
Words, words, words, is that all you have is words? Not everybody is very verbal and not everybody appreciates talking and processing feelings. That doesn’t mean that they’re shallow that means they do it differently. Some people do it with music, some people do it with nature or physicality, some people do it with art some people do it with words there’s really no end of ways that you can express yourself and connect. Please don’t let yourself to the use of words or by the use of words.
Having said that when someone asks you how your day was? Do you now know what they’re really asking. They’re telling you I want to get to know you and I want to know if there’s anything important about you and I want to update my information about you so that I know who you are. How was your day is really who are you today and an expression of support that I love you and want to be with you and be there for you. If you need me I’m here for you. We’re on the same team, we’re partners.