Emotions Often Hijack Thinking
“I really wished it could have worked.” Imagine someone saying this and the level of emotion. Now, do the same for the next one.
“You promised you would love me. You made a vow!” The assumptions themselves contribute to the pain. There are some definitions that need to be teased out, expectations that could be clarified, but first, empathy needs to be administered like First Aid. If you do not attend to the feelings/emotions, you will likely not proceed smoothly. The person feels wronged and hurt. It might not feel fair to them and you are asking them to move into the part of their brain that does logic? Can’t imagine what might go wrong there! (The sarcasm in the previous statement might hijack your logic.)
“I feel wronged, cheated and don’t want it to end like this and you want me to share the furniture, the dishes and the debt or assets?”
Can you imagine the intensity of emotion? Can you imagine working through a challenging situation if this thought just went through your brain or you said it out loud? I think my heart rate would be high and that part of my brain that deals with feelings (the neocortex) might not be 100% functional. Maybe in an hour or so…
“I have to share my children and not see them every day because a decision you made!”
Talking about the children and fairness is a double whammy. Obviously, these thoughts you have will create strong feelings in you. The strong feelings will often push logic to the side and you can see why.
What is unresolved will come up during mediation. Guaranteed
Why Choose Mediation?
In mediation, we attempt to reduce and eliminate power plays, authority, win at all costs, greed, defeating your opponent that people see in litigated cases. Another benefit of mediation is the ability to see one’s impact on the other by doing the process together. The couple sees that they are not opponents or adversaries, just two people going through an incredibly difficult situation, trying to make the best of it (ideally).
Additionally, Mediators need to know how to “do feelings” without doing psychotherapy.
“I really wished it could have worked.” Imagine someone saying this and the level of emotion. Now, do the same for the next one.
“You promised you would love me. You made a vow!” The assumptions themselves contribute to the pain. There are some definitions that need to be teased out, expectations that could be clarified, but first, empathy needs to be administered like First Aid. If you do not attend to the feelings/emotions, you will likely not proceed smoothly. The person feels wronged and hurt. It might not feel fair to them and you are asking them to move into the part of their brain that does logic? Can’t imagine what might go wrong there! (The sarcasm in the previous statement might hijack your logic.)
“I feel wronged, cheated and don’t want it to end like this and you want me to share the furniture, the dishes and the debt or assets?”
Can you imagine the intensity of emotion? Can you imagine working through a challenging situation if this thought just went through your brain or you said it out loud? I think my heart rate would be high and that part of my brain that deals with feelings (the neocortex) might not be 100% functional. Maybe in an hour or so…
“I have to share my children and not see them every day because a decision you made!”
Talking about the children and fairness is a double whammy. Obviously, these thoughts you have will create strong feelings in you. The strong feelings will often push logic to the side and you can see why.
What is unresolved will come up during mediation. Guaranteed
Why Choose Mediation?
In mediation, we attempt to reduce and eliminate power plays, authority, win at all costs, greed, defeating your opponent that people see in litigated cases. Another benefit of mediation is the ability to see one’s impact on the other by doing the process together. The couple sees that they are not opponents or adversaries, just two people going through an incredibly difficult situation, trying to make the best of it (ideally).
Additionally, Mediators need to know how to “do feelings” without doing psychotherapy.
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