“Men- higher value on autonomy, more motivated to establish independence, prove that I am an independent man and have mastery. Hard to say no to my partner because I am supposed to be a sex machine.
Women-higher value on intimacy, more motivated to seek interconnection, feel close
“Together- she asks for more kissing and touching- he hears criticism of his performance
“She asks him to talk about unmet sexual needs- he hears invasion of privacy. He withdraws emotionally to protect himself and she views this as proof that he does not love her.
“She wants to talk, well really communicate, but her only valid form of communication is talking. He – sex is the most intimate way for me to communicate. It shows caring. It shows my desire to please. It shows my love on the most profound level. Women need to appreciate the depth of passion that can be expressed through eye contact, touch and body language. Men need to be more verbally communicative.” Deida
I have suggested several exercises, to this point. They are intellectually interesting so reading about them is good, but like physical exercise, they do no lasting good if you do not do them. Here are more ideas to get your body involved in the relationship, to feel and be present to what is happening and to wake you up. Please talk through which exercises you have read and which ones you would like to go back and do to see how they might help your relationship.
Temperature- warmth and coolness or more extreme. Washcloth, heater in the room, clothes partially on, electric blanket, fan, air conditioner, ice cube, wax. The idea is to keep the body awake without shocking it.
Relaxed excitement lends itself to tantra. Yes, women are more likely to reach orgasm when wearing socks, if they normally have cold feet. Worth a conversation, don’t ya think? That is not the only goal in tantra, but if you can add some pleasure to your life with your partner that easily, might be worth it.
Texture- leather, lace, satin sheets or pajamas, silk tie, brush, feather, massage oil, light scratching, lips, sand paper etc- all these are wonderful sensory objects during the caressing. It turns the body on and awakens the senses.
Ask about being overstimulated versus understimulated, how fast, how many strokes, how hard, how long- gotta give feedback because the partner cannot read your mind. You are teaching your partner how to love you and bring you pleasure- train them to give you what you want. Gotta speak up. The goal is connection with self and partner, leading to the ultimate connection.
Are You Coming From a Place of Love? Be honest
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise that you to practice for your tantra to flow well: The Butterfly