Imagine getting out into the online dating world and finding someone who matches you really well, but they are busy. Shoot, everyone is busy. We all have our own lives and schedules and trips and hobbies and families and jobs that interfere with a romantic relationship. You just met someone and next week you can see them again? That is often how it works!
How do you communicate when things don't go as you would prefer?
"I feel sad when you reach out and I reach back to you and all of a sudden, you stop. Do you want me to reach out a second time or leave you alone?"
"When we’ve been texting and you abruptly stop, I feel put off, ignored etc. are you sending me a message to give you space? How do you want me to interpret your behavior?"
"When we’ve gone out once or twice and I turn into your pen pal, I feel a little hurt. Are we just friends or withdrawal waltzing? Why won’t you come out to play? What message are you sending, because I’m hearing, "back off."
I’m not going to keep asking, if I don’t get a “yes” from time to time. Do you want to spend time or not? Do you not have the time to date? (Don't say this out loud- Are you interested in the "one hour a week" model of dating?)"
"I think about relationships and possibilities and enjoy being in person, not phone or texting. There are too many incorrect assumptions that people make over the phone and by text, that are not made in person due to body language cues. But if we settle for texting and all day goes by… that’s not an equal energetic exchange. I will take 50% responsibility and let you own your side."
"If you want some space, ask for it directly and specifically. If you hint, I’ll misread it. If it is unclear, please don’t expect me to guess correctly. My preference would be to have more verbal precision and less guesswork. Especially if we’re not communicating in person."
"I like to get excited about the possibility and the what if etc. I let myself go there and endure the discomfort as well as the enjoyment. But dating has quite a bit of pain for me. It feels like an awful lot of not matching and neglect. People are rushing into weird stuff, assuming familiarity and skipping the work necessary to build a foundation, such as getting to know the person. That takes time and effort and negotiation skills."
Let them know what you prefer and what makes you tick. Ask for what you want in a respectful way, minimizing the sarcasm and snarkiness, when possible. Cut them slack because you never know what they are going through.
How do you communicate when things don't go as you would prefer?
"I feel sad when you reach out and I reach back to you and all of a sudden, you stop. Do you want me to reach out a second time or leave you alone?"
"When we’ve been texting and you abruptly stop, I feel put off, ignored etc. are you sending me a message to give you space? How do you want me to interpret your behavior?"
"When we’ve gone out once or twice and I turn into your pen pal, I feel a little hurt. Are we just friends or withdrawal waltzing? Why won’t you come out to play? What message are you sending, because I’m hearing, "back off."
I’m not going to keep asking, if I don’t get a “yes” from time to time. Do you want to spend time or not? Do you not have the time to date? (Don't say this out loud- Are you interested in the "one hour a week" model of dating?)"
"I think about relationships and possibilities and enjoy being in person, not phone or texting. There are too many incorrect assumptions that people make over the phone and by text, that are not made in person due to body language cues. But if we settle for texting and all day goes by… that’s not an equal energetic exchange. I will take 50% responsibility and let you own your side."
"If you want some space, ask for it directly and specifically. If you hint, I’ll misread it. If it is unclear, please don’t expect me to guess correctly. My preference would be to have more verbal precision and less guesswork. Especially if we’re not communicating in person."
"I like to get excited about the possibility and the what if etc. I let myself go there and endure the discomfort as well as the enjoyment. But dating has quite a bit of pain for me. It feels like an awful lot of not matching and neglect. People are rushing into weird stuff, assuming familiarity and skipping the work necessary to build a foundation, such as getting to know the person. That takes time and effort and negotiation skills."
Let them know what you prefer and what makes you tick. Ask for what you want in a respectful way, minimizing the sarcasm and snarkiness, when possible. Cut them slack because you never know what they are going through.
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