Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin
Fear of dependency is not the same thing as independence and is definitely different than interdependence. It represents weakness.
Tatkin calls the “couple bubble,” a mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements.
I will respond to my partner in a way that my partner values, it works for her and feels good to both of us.
You can choose to remain single, or you can pair up.
Make sure that you have the ability to be strong, loving and secure. Value being with that person over all else. Be devoted. Put the relationship before anything and everything else.
Put their well being, self-esteem and distress relief first and your partner does the same for you.
You both agreed to do it for each other. We come first. This cements the relationship.
When you have ambivalence, and you’re already in the relationship, this takes a toll. If you’re not quite in the relationship, yet, this ambivalence makes sense. I am not suggesting that you try to create a couple bubble prematurely.
A couple bubble is a pact between partners, in which the quid pro quo is to burden one another with the tasks of devotion and caring for the other person’s safety, security, and well-being. This mutual burden determines the degree of shared gratitude and valuation you both can experience. When the going gets tough, the couple bubble is all you can really count on to hold your relationship together. It doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you can never make a decision that puts yourself before the relationship, nor that you absolutely never should. These things will happen. You will hold each other to your fundamental agreement that “we” come first.
Fear of dependency is not the same thing as independence and is definitely different than interdependence. It represents weakness.
Tatkin calls the “couple bubble,” a mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements.
I will respond to my partner in a way that my partner values, it works for her and feels good to both of us.
You can choose to remain single, or you can pair up.
Make sure that you have the ability to be strong, loving and secure. Value being with that person over all else. Be devoted. Put the relationship before anything and everything else.
Put their well being, self-esteem and distress relief first and your partner does the same for you.
You both agreed to do it for each other. We come first. This cements the relationship.
When you have ambivalence, and you’re already in the relationship, this takes a toll. If you’re not quite in the relationship, yet, this ambivalence makes sense. I am not suggesting that you try to create a couple bubble prematurely.
A couple bubble is a pact between partners, in which the quid pro quo is to burden one another with the tasks of devotion and caring for the other person’s safety, security, and well-being. This mutual burden determines the degree of shared gratitude and valuation you both can experience. When the going gets tough, the couple bubble is all you can really count on to hold your relationship together. It doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you can never make a decision that puts yourself before the relationship, nor that you absolutely never should. These things will happen. You will hold each other to your fundamental agreement that “we” come first.
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